Of all the sights he had prepared himself for when he returned home, Tony Stark hadn't expected the God of Mischief and Darcy Lewis to be eating breakfast at his dining room table. Death and dismemberment were possibilities. Nudity was also a possibility. Tears were almost a guarantee. But French toast? Well, that had never really occurred to him.

They both stopped talking and looked up when Tony walked in. Darcy just nodded with a smile and took another enormous bite. Tony hoped that was a sign that she was feeling better. He had always prided himself on having a strong stomach, but if she did her Exorcist impression again – sympathy vomiting was a real possibility.

Loki addressed him, "Tony, how pleasant to see you again. I should thank you for caring for Darcy in my stead. But I most likely will not. However, there is plenty of food so you are welcome to join us. It is quite delicious. Darcy has a true gift for the preparation of morning meals."

Tony just kept staring at him. Shouldn't they be…doing something? Arguing, maybe? She was pregnant, he had been tortured on another planet, and they just got back together last night. But the house looked perfectly fine (which he was infinitely grateful for), and they were just sitting there calmly like this was normal. Well, maybe it was normal. For them. Tony used to wonder how they interacted with each other back when he had been clinging to the desperate hope that they were just the most unlikely friends since…well, ever. Something as ordinary as this had never occurred to him.

Tony realized that he should go. Even though it was his damn house, he was probably intruding on…something. But tact had never been one of his strong points. Insatiable curiosity on the other hand…

Grabbing an empty seat, Tony answered, "Sounds good. So I take it you're back?"

Loki gave him a small smile, "No, I am still on Asgard."

Tony blinked. Then he thought about it. He was probably joking, but…with Loki, you never knew. Feeling stupid, he asked, "Really?"

Loki didn't respond, but Darcy snorted. Great. He thought he was actually in the loop when it came to these two – but apparently there were loops within loops and he was only allowed into the first level. It was too early for this. Damn, he needed coffee.

Tony stared longingly at the carafe on the table. "I'm assuming that's decaf?" Darcy had been good about following doctor's orders about staying away from caffeine and only drinking the organic crap. But Tony wasn't pregnant. Ah well. It was better than nothing. He shouldn't have asked if it was decaf though - confirmation would ruin the placebo effect.

A wave of Loki's hand and a French press appeared in front of Tony's face. Floating. He could smell the thick aroma as he stared at it in surprise. Loki had done a lot of weird shit in his presence before, but this was actually nice of him. Maybe Darcy wielded some kind of power over the God of Mischief that made him less of a dick? Now that was a superpower a lowly mortal could get behind.

Grabbing the pot out of the air, he turned to Loki, "Thanks. You know, now that the whole world domination thing has fallen through, you could make a killing at kids' birthday parties. Loki the Illusionist has a nice ring. And you've got that certain style. The other guys pull rabbits out of hats, but you pull hats out of rabbits."

Loki just tilted his head and smiled in a vaguely unsettling way.

There was a moment of silence. Then Loki slowly turned to look at Darcy. Her eyes widened and she stared at Tony while she burst out laughing.

Panicked, Tony demanded, "What?"

Loki just kept smiling creepily and Darcy just kept cackling crazily. This wasn't good. Tony reached up and felt his face. Nothing out of the ordinary. Really nervous now, he again demanded, "What?"

Loki's voice was amused, "Nothing. Just giving Darcy a pleasant visual. All illusionists need scantily clad assistants who are good at distracting the eye. I am sure you would excel at such."

Tony tried not to think too hard about anything that had just come out of Loki's mouth. "I don't want to know."

"Suit yourself."

Shrugging off the unsettling nature of this entire conversation, Tony grabbed some delicious-smelling French toast and started eating. Loki had been right - it was revelatory. Why hadn't Darcy ever cooked for him?

The girl in question suddenly addressed him, "So where were you last night? Loki said you weren't here."

Tony swallowed the cinnamon-laced morsel, "Oh. I figured you'd want some privacy. Tried to talk Pepper into a little getaway, but she passed. Her loss."

Darcy gave him an odd look. "Privacy? How did you know Loki was coming back last night?"

Fuck. Tony figured he'd better tread lightly.

"Lucky guess?"

Loki just gave him a benign smile and said, "He informed Thor of your pregnancy. And, as I told you, my brother came to fetch me from Asgard."

Darcy gave Tony a long look and he tried not to flinch – he was pretty sure pregnant women could smell fear. Or was that dogs? It didn't matter.

"I see." Her voice was a bit chillier than usual, but she wasn't yelling. Why wasn't she yelling? There was something seriously wrong with the whole subdued atmosphere. Tony had never met two people quite as…animated…as these two. And now this? What was going on here?

Loki turned back to his girl, "You were telling me about what I have missed in my absence?"

Darcy perked up and smiled, "Oh yeah! So Cuddy left. And then he went to jail for a couple months. Well, it was only one episode, but they implied it was a few months. It was so cracky. I think you would have liked it."

Unless Tony was mistaken, they were talking about House. Loki watched House? The guy comes back after he knocked her up and abandoned her, and she makes him breakfast and fills him in on the shows he missed? There was some serious Twilight Zone shit going on here.

Tony kept watching as they had a completely normal conversation. Which was so far outside the realm of what should be normal for these two. Finally, Tony couldn't take it anymore. He'd always known curiosity would be his eventual downfall.

"Ok, what the hell is going on here?"

The conversation ceased and two sets of eyes turned to stare at him. He continued, "You guys are just…ok now? That's it? Forgive and forget? Because I'm pretty sure I remember you screaming that you were going to kill him. More than once. With very emphatic hand gestures."

Darcy answered him evenly, "Well, I did hit him in the head with a baseball bat. But then we had sex. I can't stay mad at him when we have sex. He's a god. As in, everything he does is god-like. Everything. I'm only human – the will was weak and the body was willing. Plus, he apologized."

Tony realized he was gaping, but he couldn't help it. "You hit him with a baseball bat?"

Darcy shrugged, "Yeah. An aluminum one, anyway. But it didn't really hurt him. Dude's got the structural integrity of a Volvo. Seriously. I mean, I was gonna taze him in the balls - but he would've expected that. Gotta keep him on his toes."

Tony shot his gaze to the man in question, expecting him to look somewhere between annoyed and homicidal. Instead, he found Loki staring at Darcy like he wanted to rip all of her clothes off. Quickly. With his teeth.

Turning his head to look at Darcy, he found her staring back at Loki like she wanted him to rip all of her clothes off. Quickly. With his teeth.

Tony took a moment to process the situation.

He found his voice, "You know what? You guys are perfect for each other. This is just...weird. Really fucking weird."

They both ignored him, apparently being too busy mentally undressing each other. Seriously, who got turned on by being threatened with a taser to the balls? They were freaks – that was the only answer.

Loki's voice was pitched low, "You are unbelievably sexy right now."

As a man of experience, Tony knew when sex was about to happen on a kitchen table. Especially when it was his kitchen table. He debated staying to watch – knowing these two, they probably wouldn't mind. And if anyone could actually teach him a thing or two about sex, it would probably be Loki. The man certainly seemed like a kinky motherfucker. Still…

Tony quietly got up from the table and started walking quickly from the room. Neither person sitting at the table even noticed.

As soon as he crossed the threshold, he heard the sound of dishes breaking and Darcy letting out a high-pitched shriek.

How depressing was this? The two crazies in the kitchen were having what sounded like highly acrobatic pregnancy sex, but he couldn't even get to first base with Pepper.

He made his way to his workshop to reboot JARVIS – Loki must have turned him off somehow. To be honest, it was probably a good idea. He had a feeling that if anyone could traumatize an AI unit, it would be those two.

The only silver lining was that Tony supposed he could kick Darcy out now that Loki was back. He liked her – hell, he loved her like the little sister he never had and never really wanted. But – unless they really needed his help - they had to go.

Tony Stark was the only one allowed to christen his own kitchen.

It had taken Darcy over an hour and a pretty bad case of rug burn on her knees to convince Loki to let her break the news to Jane as gently as possible. They had decided to invite Thor and Jane over to Tony's where they could all sit down and calmly discuss the situation. Pepper and Steve would also be there. Pepper, because she went where Tony went, and Steve because…well, he deserved a heads up.

Loki was to wait until Darcy had a chance to explain before showing up and causing trouble. She knew he would just linger in the corner, invisible, waiting for the right moment – but it was the best she could do.

When the guests arrived, Thor had given Darcy a gentle hug and smiled at her so widely that Darcy had wanted to laugh in sheer relief – at least one member of Loki's fucked up family would approve of her. Jane kept staring back and forth between Darcy and Steve with a weird little smile on her face. Pepper kept a beady-eyed glare at the oblivious Captain and Tony just kept bouncing on his toes like a giddy kid at Christmas. This was going to be interesting.

Darcy ushered everyone into the living room where they all sat around while Pepper passed out glasses of wine.

"None for you, Darcy?" Jane's voice sounded curious, but it had a strange edge.

"No, none for me. Actually, that's a perfect segue. There's something I need to tell you guys. It's kind of a big deal. But it's not bad news, I promise."

Silence descended. And lingered.

Steve broke it. "Uh…are you going to tell us?"

Pepper just glared at him until he finally noticed and jumped a bit in his seat. Poor Steve.

Darcy took a deep breath. It was just like pulling off a band-aid - the quicker she did it, the less painful it would be.

"I'm pregnant."

Jane's eyes grew so wide, Darcy was genuinely afraid that they would pop out of her head. Thor just smiled dopily.

Tony's voice rang out. "Why, Steve Rogers! You stud!"

Steve's mouth dropped open. "But…but…it isn't mine!"

Tony answered with a sly grin, "Well, whose else could it be? We all know you two were hot and heavy for a while. For shame."

Darcy turned to Tony with a glare, but jerked her head back around when she heard a loud smack.

Pepper was pulling her hand back to her chest with a grimace, and Steve was holding his face looking bewildered.

Shaking his head frantically, Steve yelled out, "It isn't mine! I swear. I have no idea how her bra even got in my room!"

Darcy wanted to help the guy out, but she was distracted by the warm fuzzies Pepper had just induced. The woman had slapped a man for her! That was so sweet!

Tony's loud guffaws shook Darcy out of her trance.

Chagrined, Darcy blurted, "No! It's not Steve's!"

Pepper turned to stare at her, "What?"

"The baby isn't Steve's. It's actually…" she paused but couldn't say Loki's name, and instead found herself finishing lamely, "not Steve's."

So close. But it might be better to get everyone to calm down a bit before dropping the baby-daddy drama into their laps. Especially since Jane was just staring at her mutely.

Pepper sounded confused, "Oh. But Tony said…"

The man himself just kept laughing. Pepper brought her hand up to her mouth and turned wide, apologetic eyes to Steve.

"I'm so sorry! I thought you…well, you know. I can't believe I hit you!"

Steve tried to give her a smile, "Eh, it's ok. You were just defending a lady's honor. No harm, no foul." Damn, he really was a boy scout. Darcy wanted to laugh. Hell, if you apologized for shooting him, he'd probably forgive you because you were just asserting your Second Amendment rights.

Jane's quiet voice startled Darcy out of her musing, "Are you alright?"

Darcy turned to her, "Yeah. Well, now. The morning sickness phase was a real bitch and there were some temperature control issues. But that's all over, so I'm just fine."

Jane stood up, but didn't make a move to get closer to her, "No. I meant…are you okay? You could have told me."

Darcy sighed, "No, I really couldn't. It's a bit more complicated than you're thinking. And you might want to sit back down."

Jane looked startled, but allowed Thor to tug her back down beside him. He put his arm around her and gave Darcy a nod.

Darcy took a deep breath, "I want to preface this by saying that I love him. A lot. Like, a whole lot. And he's been really great about everything. Well, he only found out yesterday, but he's been super helpful and oddly supportive about the whole thing."

Darcy paused to take another deep breath. This was hard. She heard Pepper whisper to Tony, "Who is it?"

Tony whispered back, "Wait for it…."

Darcy continued, "The father is-."

"Me."

Darcy felt a familiar body press up against her back and an arm wrapped slowly around her waist. Impatient bastard.

There was a tense silence. Darcy willed Jane to be okay with this. She really, really wanted Jane to be okay with this. She needed it.

Pepper exclaimed "Loki!"

Suddenly, Steve was on his feet and crossing over to them. Darcy felt Loki's hand tighten on her stomach. Steve just stopped in front of them with a big smile that only seemed a little forced.

"Congratulations!" He stuck his hand out, waiting.

Darcy and Loki just stared at it. Then Darcy turned to whisper in Loki's ear, "He wants you to shake it."

Loki raised a startled eyebrow, but reached forward and gripped the Captain's hand nonetheless.

Loki's voice was confused, "Am I supposed to say thank you?"

Steve smiled more genuinely and pumped his hand up and down a few times before letting go. Then he grabbed Darcy's hand and placed an old-fashioned kiss on her knuckles.

Darcy's voice was just as confused as Loki's, "Uhh Steve…you're ok with this?"

"Sure!"

Darcy and Loki shared another look. Darcy turned back to face Steve. "Really? Why?"

He smiled guilelessly, "I like babies. I used to watch my neighbor's kids, if you two ever need someone for your little guy. Or girl. Do you know yet?"

Somehow the fact that Captain America was a former babysitter surprised no one.

Darcy had to ask, "You know this is Loki, right?"

"Yeah…"

Darcy nodded. "Just checking."

Loki wouldn't let it go, "Did you happen to forget that time I almost killed you? Or that other time I almost killed you?"

Steve shrugged with a smile. "Yeah. But I also remember one of those alien things having a sword at my throat and thinking – oh man, I'm gonna die. And then whoosh, you're there and I'm not dead. I never really thanked you for that. So thank you. And I figure a few failed attempts to kill me doesn't compare to the one successful time actually saving me. So I'm willing to let bygones be bygones… if you are?"

This was the first Darcy had heard about Loki saving Steve. It must have been when Thor got hurt. She wasn't as surprised as she probably should be. Loki did what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted. And it was highly unlikely there had been any selfless motivations behind the rescue. Still, both Loki and Darcy knew better than to look a gift horse like this in the mouth. Allies were a necessity at this point.

Loki's voice was careful, "That sounds quite admirable. And you are…welcome."

Steve just smiled and went to sit back down. Pepper was whispering furiously to Tony, but she only seemed upset with him. It suddenly occurred to Darcy that Jane still hadn't said anything.

Darcy turned to look at her friend. Jane was even paler than usual and her hands were clenched in tight fists.

Darcy's voice was hesitant, "Jane?"

Jane still didn't say anything. She was staring at Darcy's stomach with an intensity that was borderline scary.

Darcy tried to sound calm, but her voice cracked as she asked, "Jane, are you mad at me?"

Suddenly, Jane was up on her feet and crushing Darcy in a hug. After a moment of shock, Darcy wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders and let out a deep breath.

Jane pulled back, "No, of course I'm not mad. At least not at you." She turned to glare at Loki, but her gaze softened as she looked back at Darcy. "But you should have told me. I can't even imagine what you've been going through. I would've helped you any way that I could. You know that."

Darcy tried not to cry. She had been so scared about how Jane would take this – especially considering how much she disliked Loki. While Jane didn't seem happy, she also didn't seem too mad. It looked like the worst-case scenario wouldn't actually come to pass. That was certainly a first for both Loki and Darcy.

Jane's voice was hard as she turned to face the God of Mischief. "But you. I'm pretty sure this is all a fever dream, but just in case it's real – how could you? You magicked her or seduced her or something! And you got her pregnant! You damn well better step up and take responsibility. And if you even think about hurting her…god or not, I will end you. Painfully."

Loki gave Jane the most genuine smile he'd ever given her. "You know, Miss Foster, I do believe I could actually come to like you. Well, probably not. But there is an actual possibility now. And you need not worry about Darcy. I will destroy any that mean to harm the mother of my child – myself included."

Jane gave him a begrudging look of approval, "Well, alright. But, how did this happen? Not the logistics, because I really don't want to know about that. But – was this some sort of byproduct of a night of bad-judgment?"

Darcy felt mildly insulted, "Hey now! That's not fair. It was more like slightly-flawed-judgment. And also more like a few months."

Jane looked taken aback, "Months? How did you…but you barely spoke to each other!"

Loki smirked. "Speaking was not a necessity. Libidinous screaming on the other hand…"

Darcy smacked his chest, but he just gave her a wink. Darcy felt her stern face slipping – she couldn't help it if she loved his pervy side.

Jane sounded faint. "This is just disturbing. Are you flirting? It's almost like you guys are…I mean, are you two…dating?"

Before she could get an answer to her question, Jane was hoisted up from behind and spun around into the stupidly big arms of the God of Thunder. Said god laughed loudly at her squeal of surprise, "Jane! This is a happy day! I am to be an uncle!"

As everyone laughed at Thor's ridiculous display, Darcy shot Loki a relieved smile. That went infinitely better than they had even hoped. Now if only telling S.H.I.E.L.D. would go this smoothly.

Darcy valiantly tried not to freak out as she stood in front of every member of the Avengers and almost all of the top S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives. Tony had done the favor of calling a meeting, saying it was a national emergency. And when Tony Stark says there's an emergency, people come running.

She cleared her throat, "Mr. Stark may have misled you all a little bit. Actually, there's something I need to tell everyone. And I will start by saying that treaties and truces are more than just pieces of paper. We need to honor them. So, if someone signed one and then did something potentially…well, troublesome – we should still honor the intent."

There, that was a nice opening. She wanted to remind them that Loki promised – in writing – that he wouldn't try to take over the world again. While he wasn't exactly saving kittens from trees or helping old ladies cross the street, he also wasn't actively causing destruction and chaos. Well, large-scale destruction and chaos. He was the God of Mischief after all.

Coulson addressed her with confusion. "You called us here?" The look on his face made it very clear that Darcy didn't rank high enough to have such a big fuss just for her. Part of her wanted to stick her tongue out at him and yell 'There's a demigod inside me, bitch!', but the rest of her was too busy trying not to panic. This kind of stress couldn't be good for the baby.

Swallowing, she answered, "Yes. There's something you need to know. And I only wanted to do this once, so I needed you all to be here. I'll tell you what I'm going to tell you, and then you can ask a few questions. But then we're gonna move on and put it all behind us. No little rooms without any windows or scary interrogation tactics. Ok?"

Fury's voice was deep and menacing. "What did you do?"

Darcy opened her mouth to speak but her throat was suddenly dry and she couldn't form the words. She reached down to the table in front of her and grabbed her mug of rooibos tea - which apparently wasn't a tea at all and so it had no caffeine right from the start but it still tasted good and…she needed to focus. The spoon was still in the mug and she held it back with her forefinger as she brought it up to her mouth for a sip. Distracted and nervous, her shaking hand jerked at the last second and the spoon slipped from her finger's grasp, sliding around the rim of the cup just at the perfect moment to poke her in the eye. Shocked and in pain, Darcy jumped, spilling the entire contents of the mug down her shirt. There was a moment of stillness before the burn set in. She heard someone talking to her, but all Darcy could focus on were the dual sensations of pain.

Ow Ow Ow Hot Fuck Ow Blind Ow Ow Hot Fuck Ow Eye Ow.

Darcy was relatively certain that she was now blind in one eye and suffering from second-degree burns on her girls. The first time she wears her contacts in over a week and she freaking gouges herself. Why did shit like this keep happening to her? No, seriously – why?

Dammit, she couldn't go blind in one eye because then she'd have to wear an eyepatch. And Loki had really bad luck with people in eyepatches – she would be jinxing everything! And her boobs were freaking scalded! Did they even make burn cream you can put on your nipples? Oh no! What if she'd damaged them somehow and now she wouldn't be able to breastfeed? They said that was much healthier for the baby. Crapballs, in one moment she'd ruined both her relationship with Loki and the health of her unborn baby! Stupid fucking spoon!

Someone was asking her if she was alright, but Darcy couldn't care less about whoever this idiot was. She was not alright, dumbass.

Without thought, she screamed, "Loki!"

Through her good eye, she saw a blur of green and white appear in front of her. She absently noted that the formerly lively room had become eerily silent. She ignored it and told the indistinct, Loki-smelling mass in front of her, "Tea. Boobs. Spoon. Eye. Hurts. Help!"

She felt her hand being pulled away from her face and then a familiar touch across her brow. There was warmth and a slight tingle – and then the pain in her eye was gone. Darcy blinked and focused on the face in front of her. Loki looked like he was trying hard not to laugh.

Boobs still hurting, she just whispered to him, "Don't. Say. A. Word."

A chuckle broke though, but he reined in his amusement. Then his eyes skimmed her chest and his expression sobered a bit. He reached his hand up underneath her shirt, sliding across her skin, until his hand rested directly between her singed breasticles. Sweet, blessed coolness danced along her skin, effectively easing her severely offended nerve endings.

Her voice conveyed her gratitude, "Thanks, babe."

Loki didn't retract his hand from her chest. His smile was a bit too patronizing. "You are welcome, my love. But I simply cannot understand how you end up in such predicaments. I turned my eyes from you for less than one minute and you maim yourself. Twice. You truly have a gift. How did you accomplish such a feat?"

There was no way Darcy was going to tell him that she nearly hospitalized herself with a teaspoon, but Tony answered for her. "Don't worry. I've got it all on video."

Darcy spun her head around to look at him and he pointed to his raised phone with a nod and a satisfied grin.

Darcy turned back to Loki, "Remember when I said that I didn't want you to kill people anymore?"

Loki nodded with an amused smile.

She added, "I changed my mind. He can go."

Loki didn't respond, but the hand that was still on her chest slid a few inches to the left. His thumb started doing highly inappropriate things to a very sensitive place. Her body tensed, but she refused to let on about how much this affected her. He couldn't just think it was appropriate to grope her in public. They were in a room full of people, for fuck's sake! Speaking of…

Darcy turned to look back out at their little audience. Each facial expression varied from confused to pissed. Fury's face was definitely the latter. Not good. And Natasha had a gun pointed at Loki's head. That seemed a bit drastic. Everyone was staring at Loki – well, everyone except Clint. No, Clint was staring at her. But not at her face. What was he…?

Oh.

Darcy hadn't realized that her shirt had gotten caught on Loki's wrist and been pulled up when he heal-groped her. And since he was still groping her - the perve - her only-noticeable-if-you're-looking-for-it baby bump was on display. Wow, that man really earned the name Hawkeye.

Dammit, this was not how this little meeting was supposed to go. Being blinded, scalded and felt up kinda made you lose the upper hand. She had wanted to ease them into it. If she was honest with herself, this way was more her style – startling and absurd.

She pasted on an uneasy smile and unsuccessfully tried to push Loki's hand off her boob, "So, like I was saying. I have some news. It's a two-parter. Part one: Loki's back."

Tony snorted in amusement.

Fury answered, sounding less-than-amused. "No shit. Should I guess part two, or is the hand up your shirt a pretty clear giveaway?"

Darcy didn't want to handle this. She turned to Loki and gave him her best sad-puppy face. He just sighed.

Lowering his hand from her boob to her stomach, Loki gave everyone a pleased grin. "As you can see, I have returned from Asgard. The reason for my premature return is…"

He seemed to pause for dramatic effect. Darcy watched as Fury rapidly pulled a flask from somewhere in his coat, poured something into his coffee and took a large swig – obviously bracing himself.

"Darcy is carrying my child. Congratulate us."

Darcy had never seen an actual spit-take before, but it was pretty hilarious. Fury would be pissed, but she hoped Tony got that on his camera phone. She felt a little less embarrassed about the tea incident now – drinking hot beverages was apparently more hazardous than you'd think.

Coulson asked, "Pregnant?" He sounded like someone had just told him the moon really was made out of cheese. Mmm…and now Darcy was hungry again.

Loki just kept smiling, "The proper response is 'congratulations' or some variation of such."

Natasha's voice sounded vaguely disgusted. "You slept with him?"

Confused, because obviously this wasn't some sort of immaculate conception, Darcy asked, "You mean did I sleep with him today? Or ever? Well, it doesn't really matter. The answer is yes. Clearly."

Tony sounded genuinely impressed. "You've had sex already today? It's only 8:15 in the morning!"

Darcy answered "Well, there was a bit of a time crunch. But I was really stressed out. And showers are good for multi-tasking."

"Stop talking!" Everyone turned to stare at Fury. He didn't sound too happy. "You're pregnant. With his child." Fury pointed to the god who still had a hand on her tummy.

Fury hadn't really asked a question, but Darcy nodded.

"Well, I think we need to have a little chat. But first, you're heading down to the infirmary. Now. I need to know what the hell it is we're dealing with."

Loki had been unusually quiet throughout this exchange, but she figured that was about to change. She was right.

His voice was too calm. "Nicholas, there is something else you should be aware of."

Suddenly Loki was directly in front of Fury and he was giving off a strange pulsing aura. It was freaky but kinda awesome.

He continued in a voice that sent chills up Darcy's spine. "If you even so much as think about touching either my lover or my child, I will make you beg for death. But I will not grant your pleas. You will be amazed at just how much pain the human body can endure before completely giving out. And this goes for your men as well. If any of them upset my family, I will be holding you personally responsible. I am seeing to Darcy's welfare myself – both she and my child are in good health. Let us keep you that way as well. What do you say?"

Fury put on a brave face, but Darcy could tell that Loki had scared him shitless. Fury had learned the hard way that the God of Mischief didn't make idle threats.

Steve had been quiet throughout this whole exchange – although, thinking back, it might have been him who had asked if she was alright before. He spoke up, surprising everyone. "It's a baby, not a matter of national security. Let's just do what Darcy said – ask a few questions and then move on."

Darcy mentally added Steve Rogers to the list of people she would ask Loki not to enslave if he went evil again.

Coulson asked, "Is it a baby? I mean, is it humanoid? It's not a wolf or a snake or something?"

Darcy added Coulson to the definitively-being-enslaved-by-Loki list. He'd look pretty in Leia's gold bikini.

Loki's voice was practically a hiss (not a good sign – the quieter Loki got, the more menacing he became), "This is not an animal. Or a monster. This is my child. If I find you forgetting that again, I will remove your ability to ever father a child of your own. And I will do so slowly and with a dull blade."

Every man in the room crossed his legs. Darcy grabbed the hand that was once again resting on her stomach and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

She needed to calm everyone down before Loki ending up doing something that would make things even harder for them. "Look people, I'm pregnant. It's Loki's. And yes, it's a baby – although there's a bit of a question mark when it comes to pigmentation. But no one here should care about that." She nodded her head to the sometimes-green Bruce Banner, who was the only one completely unruffled by the whole encounter – turning into a rage demon must give you a pretty unique perspective on what qualifies as wiggy. "And I'm all fine now. The baby is fine. And really, this is just a courtesy on our part – a gesture of good faith. It's none of your business. I just didn't want to have to hide it anymore. I'm not ashamed. I love Loki, and yeah – okay, this wasn't planned. But just deal with it. Now does anyone have any questions that aren't going to insult either of us?"

Silence. Well, this was awkward. And kinda rude.

"How far along are you?" Bruce Banner's voice was quiet, but it carried.

Darcy answered, "About three months or so, as far as we can tell. And it should be a normal amount of time until I pop like that dude in Alien. Did you know elephants can carry their children for up to two years? I love Loki, but that's horrifying. You have no idea how glad I am that I'm not an elephant. Or a whale."

Tony added glibly, "See how I didn't make a fat joke? I think I'm growing as a person."

Darcy turned to Loki, "Seriously, babe. Accidents happen. No one will even miss him."

Loki gave her a smile, but she could tell he was nearing the end of his patience. Her promise of sexual favors aside, she knew he had only done the big reveal to make her happy – he couldn't care less who was left in the dark.

Loki's tolerance in mind, Darcy figured they'd said enough – everyone knew she was pregnant and was sufficiently freaked out by it – their work here was done.

She turned back to Fury. "I think we're good here. My phone is on if you need me."

Before any of the others could process what she meant, Darcy and Loki disappeared.

Tony's voice broke the silence left in their wake, "Does anyone know the maximum time limit when you're uploading something on youtube? I might have to edit out the boring parts, but most of this was gold."