A/N: I'm sure you realize I'm not the owner of these characters… I do enjoy playing with them a little, however. Hope you enjoy as well. Please review!
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Chap 19
The ride back to my house was peaceful. Edward and I chatted about nothing in particular, although I could tell he was thinking about something in particular.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, you obviously have something on your mind. Are you going to tell me what it is?"
He sighed.
"That's all I get? A heavy sigh? Now you're making me worry."
"It's just… never mind. It's nothing. Really," he sighed again.
"You know, I'm supposed to be the one who sighs and says it's nothing. That's the girl's job. You're supposed to have to guess what I'm thinking about, not the other way around."
"Emmett always tells me I'm too in touch with my feminine side," he kidded, but now he looked apprehensive.
I had apparently touched on a sensitive subject without even realizing it, and of course that meant I had to dig until he told me the whole story. It didn't take much, as he was ready to spill after I simply raised an eyebrow at him.
"OK, OK…" he surrendered quickly. "It's just… we're engaged now and you haven't even mentioned telling your parents yet. You don't seem very excited. If you want to take it back, you can. I know marriage isn't really your… cup of tea. I was just hoping you would want to share the news with everyone. I know I do."
Now it was my turn to sigh. "Edward, it's not like that. You have to admit, I've been a little… you know… distracted lately. Victoria, graduation, murderous newborn army, Jacob, the Volturi threatening to kill me, and now dealing with Fred…," I ticked off on my fingers. "It's not like I've just been twiddling my thumbs over here. Plus, I'd like to give Charlie a little more time to start liking you again before I drop the M-bomb on him."
"That implies that Charlie liked me at one time, which I can assure you isn't the case. He was tolerant of me at best. He's always preferred the dog, so if you're waiting for him to form an Edward Cullen Son-in-Law fan club, it may be a very long wait."
"I thought you wanted to wait…" I reminded him.
"Waiting has always been about changing you, not about marrying you. If it was up to me, we'd already be married."
"If it was up to me, I'd already be changed," I retorted, perhaps a little stronger than intended.
"Bella, if you remember correctly, my love, you're the one who wanted certain… experiences while you were still human. I'm the one who insisted we need to be married before having those certain experiences."
"You can say the word 'sex,' Edward. It's not going to bite you," I teased.
"I know that!"
"Then say it," I challenged.
"Bella! I was raised to not speak of such things, and especially not to a young lady. It goes against my upbringing."
"Well, I was raised not to get married at 18. It goes against MY upbringing."
"Fine. Sex sex sex sex sex. There! Are you happy now?" I'm sure if he could blush, he would be red from head to toe.
"Yes, I'm happy, and a little turned on…"
"See? This is why it's inappropriate for me to speak of such things. No good can come of it."
"Oh, I think a lot of good could come from it," I giggled at my own double entendre, especially knowing Edward would likely not understand what I meant. He didn't disappoint by the look on his face, although I did see that I was beginning to exasperate him.
"Bella, if you don't want to marry me, I wish you would just say so."
"Edward," I reached over to take his hand. "It isn't that I don't want to marry you. I love you so much, and I want nothing more than to be with you forever. It's just that… well, you know the whole idea of the 'M' word terrifies me. Considering I didn't know if I would ever get married, getting married at 18 seems like a pretty extreme thing to do. My parents are going to think I've gone off the deep end. Actually, what they'll really think is that I'm pregnant," I shuddered. "But I don't want get too much older than you, either, so we can't wait too long."
"Bella, do you see how you're giving me mixed signals here? If you wanted to get married tomorrow, we'd make it happen. If you wanted to wait 50 years, we'd make that happen. I just need to know what you want."
"What if I wanted to wait 51 years?" I asked with a sly smile, trying to keep the conversation as light as possible.
"I suppose I could wait 51 years, but 52 is out of the question," he quipped in return.
"I knew it! I knew you had limits. Ha! It was just a matter of time until the truth came out," I laughed.
As we pulled into the driveway and parked behind the police cruiser, he became serious again. "All joking aside, I would wait for you until the end of time. If you're not ready, I understand. I don't want to push you…" he said before pausing. "OK, truth? I do want to push you because I can hardly wait for us to say 'I do' before God and the whole world, but I'm going to try very hard not to push, OK?"
"No. Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try," I attempted my own impersonation of Yoda, albeit poorly. We smiled at each other, but then I decided it was time for me to be serious, too. "I'm not ready for tomorrow. And I'm absolutely not waiting anywhere near 50 years. I just need to know if I decide to postpone, even if it's at the last minute, that you understand it would never be because I don't love you… only because I'm just not ready."
"Are we talking about marriage or changing you?"
"Both, I guess. To me, they go hand-in-hand. The truth is, I do want to marry you, Edward, which in itself scares me to death, and I want to be changed shortly thereafter, which should scare me more, but it doesn't. I'm sorry about the mixed signals, but how can I explain what I'm feeling when even I'm not sure?"
"Are you telling me you're more afraid of marriage than three days of hellish pain a thousand times worse than you can imagine, where you'll die and rise to become an immortal blood-thirsty, potentially soulless killing machine?"
"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds a little silly, but if you asked my mom, she would say you just defined marriage, except the three days would be much longer and you only become a soulless blood-thirsty killing machine while going through the divorce."
"But she only knows her own experience. You're not her, Bella."
"I know, but I've seen so many divorces and even more unhappy people who stay in unhappy marriages. You don't think those people started off that way, to you? Nobody goes into a marriage thinking they're going to end up miserable and alone."
"Is that what this is about? You ending up alone?"
Was that was this was about? The sting of tears springing unbidden to my eyes answered the question for me. "Forever is a long time…" was all I could whisper.
That all-too-familiar look of guilt and self-loathing crossed Edward's face before he turned toward the side window. I hadn't wanted to ever see that look again, and especially not to be the cause of it, but until this wound was healed, we were bound to bump into it from time to time.
I reached over to touch his shoulder. "Edward?" I asked gently.
He flinched at the contact, not in surprise, but seemingly more in defeat. He continued to stare out the window. "Bella… the last thing I want is for you to be afraid. I don't know how to apologize better. I don't know how to convince you that leaving was the biggest mistake I've ever made and I will never do something so stupid and arrogant and utterly wrong ever again."
"I want to believe you, Edward. And most of the time, I do, but then there's this nagging part of me that says not to get too close again because I know I won't survive the next time."
"There won't be a next time, but I understand what you're saying," he admitted. "If I could go back and undo this, make it so I never broke your trust, never gave you reason to lose faith, I would do just about anything."
"I know that's not possible, but I often find myself wishing the same thing…"
"You know what I'm really ashamed of?" He shook his head in disgust before finally turning to look at me with wide, innocent, tortured eyes. "I'm ashamed of how grossly I underestimated your love for me. I think of all the things I'm sorry for, I'm most sorry for that. How could I be so… patronizing to the woman I love? I just made a unilateral decision like you were a child and I knew what was best for you. It sickens me to think about it."
I tried to say something, but nothing came out. Edward smiled slightly and placed a finger over my lips, silently telling me I didn't need to confirm or deny his words, as I could do neither without causing him and myself more pain.
"You're my mate, Bella. For life. I could never leave you again, and even if you decided you didn't want me anymore, I would never be able to stop loving you. I hate that I'm going to have to leave you for a few hours tonight before Charlie goes to bed! How could I ever, ever walk away? I've learned my lesson, Bella. I can't be without you."
My tears were now flowing freely and again, I wanted to say something, but words escaped me. I simply wrapped my arms around his neck and held on with every bit of strength I could muster.
As soon as I began to kiss him, he pulled away. "What's the matter?" I asked nervously.
"It's your father. He's watching us from the window."
I untangled myself from Edward and whipped my head toward the house in time to see the living room curtains move slightly.
"Can we pick up where we left off later?" I asked hopefully.
"Of course, sweetheart. I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Edward hopped out of the car and jogged around to my side, opening my door. Just then, his phone rang.
"Yes, Alice, how may I help you?" he asked with a fair amount of snark in his voice.
"Oh, I see. Yeah, we can't exactly let that happen," he answered more seriously.
"OK, I will, and I'll tell her. I'm sure she'll be SO happy!" he replied sarcastically.
"Yes, yes… thanks for calling." He snapped the phone shut.
"What am I going to be so happy about?" I asked.
"Alice is taking you shopping to get another shirt," he answered while opening my overnight bag and removing my turquoise blue hoodie. He dropped it onto the floorboard of the back seat before zipping up the bag.
"What's wrong with that shirt?"
"Nothing, until I rip it to shreds later," he said matter-of-factly.
"And what, exactly, did it do to offend you?"
"A lot, actually. Alice said your dad is suspicious about the Riley Park incident. They were watching the news down at the station and someone mentioned the hair color of the guy who got dragged… yours truly," he grimaced. "Your dad looked at it more carefully with that in mind and saw the two girls walking over… a short one with black hair and a taller one wearing that hoodie. If he found it in your bag, it would confirm it in his mind."
"He's going to go through my bag?" I asked.
"Bella, don't you think that's the least of our worries right now? A lot depends on nobody being able to identify us in that video."
"OK, you're right. It just creeps me out to think of my dad going through my clothes."
"Well, it's going to creep you out even more to know he's spent the past hour going through your room with a fine-tooth comb looking for that shirt."
"OK, eww," I muttered under my breath. "So, what do I say if he asks about it?"
"I don't know…" Edward contemplated. "Maybe say you lost it? Could you have left it somewhere, like at someone's house?"
I thought about it for a moment, then grinned at him. "You're not going to shred my shirt."
"I'm not?"
"No, but you are going to make it short-sleeved," I pointed to where he would rip the sleeves. "You're going to break into the school and plant it in the lost and found. If Charlie asks me where it is, and I can almost guarantee he'll figure out a way to work it into conversation, I can say I left it in my locker. If he's really suspicious, he'll get Principal Greene to open the school for him. If he finds my short-sleeved hoodie in there, it'll throw him off the scent, at least. I don't have anything else that color…"
Edward's phone rang again. "Yes, Alice?"
"OK, I'll tell her," he said with a chuckle.
I looked at him expectantly and he didn't wait for me to ask. "She said your plan is solid and it's really pathetic that you have so few items of clothing that even your fashion-oblivious father knows what you have and don't have."
I stuck my tongue out at her, wondering if she would see it.
The phone rang. Edward answered and hung up without a word. "Yes, she saw it," he dead-panned.
"Bah-dum-bum CHING" I pretended to play a drum set.
Edward laughed as he handed me the leftover pizza Esme had carefully wrapped in foil, and carried my bag to the house. Charlie opened the front door before we even made it up the steps.
"Hey, kids. Did you have a nice trip?" he greeted us warmly. We smiled and nodded, but neither of us said anything. It felt odd to know Charlie had a secret agenda.
Charlie took the pizza out of my hands and went into the kitchen. "I thought this was going to be warm," he grumbled.
"It's from last night, dad," I yelled from the living room where Edward and I had settled. "Just turn on the oven and lay it out on a baking sheet."
"I know how to warm up pizza, Bella. I may not be great in the kitchen, but I'm not completely inept," he groused.
"No, not completely," I teased. I was trying to keep the mood light, belying my feelings of betrayal that my father was essentially investigating me. I knew I was being ridiculous, of course. Charlie was a cop, first and foremost, and a good one at that, but the bigger truth was that he was right – we were the people in the video. I couldn't exactly argue my innocence. I just didn't like the idea that he was questioning it.
"So, Bells, I thought you would come home with some new clothes," he said as he came in and settled into his chair. "That Alice seems to be the dictionary definition of 'shop till you drop.'"
"I got a couple of things. Edward, would you get my bag?" He squeezed my hand a little, getting up to retrieve the duffle. I figured I might as well make this easy for Charlie and just show him the contents of the bag so he didn't feel the need to rifle through it later. Fortunately, Alice had actually purchased a few things for me after some of my clothes were stolen by Riley, so I did have a couple of new items for display.
I unzipped the bag and tried to hide my reaction to the first thing I saw. "Tags," I whispered to Edward as quietly as possible. Faster than the eye could see, he ripped off the tags that clearly said 'Alley Cat Boutique - Port Angeles.' Alice liked to shop there because they had cute stuff and Jasper sometimes called her 'Ally Cat,' which I thought was a silly reason to be a customer someplace until I realized Edward took me to dinner at 'Bella Italia' for the same silly reason.
The point was, the tags didn't say 'Bellingham' and that would have been bad.
I showed Charlie the red shirt that was purchased to replace the one destroyed by the newborn army. I cringed a little at the thought of all those crazed vampires sniffing my clothes. Even if they hadn't ruined the shirt, I wouldn't have wanted it back.
I had some skinny jeans that Charlie thought looked too small. I pursed my lips and gave him a significant eye roll. He seemed to recognize the error of his ways, albeit a little late.
There was a skirt that I knew I would never wear, and a lightweight tan sweater that I really liked a lot. I dumped out the rest of the contents of the bag, noticing Charlie's interest piquing as his eyes searched the small pile of clothes. No turquoise to be seen.
"Umm… dad, I don't think you want to see the other things we got."
"Why not?" he said rather sternly, like he had just caught me in a lie and was ready to prosecute.
"Well, unless you're really interested in seeing my underwear…" I winced visibly.
"Oh… OH! No, I don't want to see it, and I most definitely don't want Edward to see it!" he exclaimed before he even realized what he was saying.
I blushed heavily. "Charlie! Oh my God, do you think you could embarrass me more, please?"
"Um, that's OK. I don't want to see it either," Edward murmured. If he could blush he would have, too.
"Oh, really? You don't? Well, that's nice to know…" I glared at him.
"Well, of course I want to see it, but…" Edward stuttered.
"Oh, you do, do you?" Charlie shouted. "I think you'd better stay away from my daughter's underwear if you know what's good for you. Remember I have a gun."
"Charlie! I can't believe you said that!" I was sure my face was 47 shades of red.
"Well, at least not until we get married!" Edward exclaimed.
Suddenly the room was deathly still. My mouth was hanging open, unspoken words lingering on my tongue as I tried to catch my breath.
"What did you say?" Charlie asked in a quiet, threatening tone.
Edward looked at me fearfully, worried that I would be angry with him. I'm sorry, he mouthed but it was too late. The damage was done.