IT'S BEEN FOREVER SINCE I'VE PUBLISHED ANYTHING! I feel apologizing isn't enough… But hey, it's summer now! I'm living with my aunt in Utah, learning to be a 'Farmgirl' and luckily, I get the computer ALL the time! So, I should be able to publish even more now. This story will never be abandoned, that I promise, my lovely readers. And to prove it, I will get typing away and publishing!
"I am so confused." I groaned into my pillow. "What in Eru's name is going on?" I rolled over onto my back, staring at the ceiling. It was passed midnight but I could not sleep! I sat up, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, resting my chin on them. So much has happened in so little time. All because of a cursed camping trip. Even though it had only been a few weeks, it had felt like months for me! Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and slid off, walking over to the door and leaving the room. Sneaking past the Guards, I allowed my feet to take me wherever. Maybe, if I returned to Valinor, Elrond would be able to explain a few things.
I knew that he wouldn't be able to. He was probably as confused as I. I sighed and shook my head, clutching the necklace I wore. I raised it out of my shirt, where I had hidden it, and gazed at the Blessed Water Elrond had given me. Why had he given it to me? Had he seen something and knew I would need it sometime soon? I did not know. Nor was I sure that I would want to know. I looked up to find myself in the Healing Rooms of the Citadel. I blinked in surprise, slowly approaching one of the shut doors and entering. I hesitated for a moment, feeling the sorrow and grief in the atmosphere of the room before walking over to the bed that held Elrudyn's body. I reached out and grasped one of his hands.
"Elrudyn…" I murmured, guilt, sorrow, and anger filling my entire being. Guilt for being the one to lead them into Mordor, sorrow for having lost a dear friend, and anger for my stupidity of ignoring his subtle warnings. Realization dawned over me and my eyes swiveled down to his closed ones. "You knew…" The words held a lot of weight from the meaning behind them. "You knew what would happen…You knew and yet you did not tell me…Why?" Of course, I did not receive any answers. "You did not want to upset me…" I closed my eyes, rolling my head upwards. "Elrudyn…If you had said something, anything, I would have listened…You could have forced me. Because of everything, we lost you. Ada almost died, I nearly died, the family is suffering, and your Father is fading. Do you have any idea what you mean to us? How dear you are to all of us?" I was silent for a moment, tears threatening to fall. Would I have listened? Would I have believed him? I clutched my necklace even tighter, ripping it from around my neck. "Why? Valar, why did this have to happen?" I asked no one in particular. Out of frustration and anger, I threw the necklace down. Hearing the glass chip, my eyes widened and I snatched it up, only to have it slip and fall onto Elrudyn. "Idiot!" I murmured to myself, not noticing some of the liquid trickling from the glass.
Quickly, I wrapped something around it to keep it from leaking and replaced the necklace around my neck. Sighing, I bowed my head when the sound of rustling fabric reached my sensitive ears. Perking up, I scanned the room.
There was no one.
The sound repeated itself and I was drawn to the bed Elrudyn was on. If I was shocked before, I was even more so now. By the Valar, I could swear that Elrudyn was moving. But that was impossible! The dead stay dead…no matter what. I slowly backed away, wondering whether was I was seeing was real. Elrudyn shifted even more until his eyes fluttered open to reveal two familiar, grey, orbs. I watched, beyond shocked, as he raised an arm and brushed some hair from his face, brow furrowing in confusion as he stared up into the ceiling.
"The Citadel?" He mumbled, incoherently.
"This is definitely not happening." I murmured to myself, rubbing my eyes then opening them only to find Elrudyn sitting up and gazing at me. For a moment, our eyes remained locked until his smooth voice broke the tense silence hanging over us.
"Ryn?" He tilted his head. I reared back, smashing my head against the cupboards but ignored the pain as I pointed to Elrudyn.
"No…No, you…you died! We all saw…we all know…You were gone!" I clutched my head, shaking it in disbelief as his expression became even more lost. "This is a dream! I am asleep and dreaming of all my regrets! This is the Valar's way of punishing me for disobeying Ada…I know!" I cried. "I know what I did was wrong! I know it is my fault! I have yet to accept that he has died because of me but must you truly do this to me?" I gave a watery laugh. "This is a cruel trick to play!"
"Ryn? Is everything well?" Elrudyn inquired, concerned as he tried to move.
"No!" I exclaimed and he stilled and I could practically sense the conflicting emotions he felt. "You. Were. Dead." I punctuated every word, my hands adding to the effect. "I need to wake up." I cradled my head and shook it.
"You are not asleep." Elrudyn confusedly informed me. "If you were asleep, why are you here?"
"I do not know!" I flung my hands up into the air, lost. "If this is not a dream, please explain to me how you are alive when you were dead?" Understanding flashed across his visage
"I was not dead." A tense moment passed as the words sunk in and I stared at him, accursedly.
"You were not dead? What manner of sorcery are you playing at here?" I growled, eyes narrowing dangerously. He raised his hands in defense, flinching from my anger, weakly slumping back against the pillows.
"I was 'dead' in a manner of speaking." He began slowly, eyeing me to ensure I was listening. "When the Orcs and Uruks captured me, they…" He trailed off, wincing from the pain he was recalling. "You have to understand, they did things to me I dare not repeat. It…It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced." I could tell he was struggling to tell me of this but I said nothing, not daring to believe a word this dream was telling me. "They tortured me, forced me to watch as they tormented other prisoners they had. They…They slaughtered innocents without a second thought. I could not take it. Not anymore." He paused, collecting himself for a moment. "I overheard the Uruks talking one night…About a poison that they had. It made whoever drank it appear dead in every way. In fact, it did 'kill' them. The poison made the heart stop beating, a person stop breathing…"
"You took it." I stated more than questioned and he nodded.
"I found it one day as they were leading me to the…Chamber. Willing to risk anything, I drank it. It was painful…I could feel everything shutting down." I found myself listening intently to what he was telling me. I could tell he was still struggling. "It…It was frightening. I stopped breathing and was knocked unconscious. I did not know when I would wake again…If I ever woke again." He turned his head to look at me, eyes filled with pain and suffering. I wanted to comfort him, but I could not accept the fact that this was real. It was only a dream.
A cruel dream.
"Ryn," His voice held a tone of urgency that made me snap my head up to look at him. "What day is it? How am I here? Who found me?" Without thinking, I answered.
"It is March the fifth. I do not know who found you or how you came to be here, seeing as I only arrived a mere three days ago myself. Though…Your Father…"
"How is he?" Worry laced his tone. I bit my lip, wondering why I was replying to the question. "Ryn…please, tell me."
"He is not well, Elrudyn." I stood and went to the window.
"Ryn." He pressed and I sighed.
"He is grieving, Elrudyn. He has not left his room, eaten, or slept in days. No one can do anything. He does not respond. He is…dead, in a way. It is slowly killing him." Elrudyn was on his feet at once.
"I have to see-"
"You," I started, giving him a harsh look. "Are going nowhere."
"Ryn?" he tilted his head, even more confused and hurt than before. "What do you mean? My Father is dying! I can sense it!"
"Stop this, please." I lowered myself to the ground, burying my face in my hands and shaking my hands. "I have been through a lot. I cannot stand this! Seeing you in this dream."
"Aranyth Ellessar!" My eyes widened before I shot a furious glare at the Elf. "You. Are. Not. Dreaming." he stressed. "What will convince you otherwise?"
"I do not know, Elrudyn. Why do you not tell me?" I demanded, standing and stalking over to him, poking his chest as I continued. "Do you understand what everyone is going through? I regret everything! I failed everyone. I failed you. You tried to warn me, I know, and I did not listen. Now, here I am. Paying for my stupidity. If I go through with this dream, I will wake up convincing myself that I will find you alive and well only to discover today is the day we ride to Rivendell to bury your body." Elrudyn looked shocked at the news I had just given him when he grasped my hands.
"Aranyth, you have to believe me! I am not dead! I am alive!"
"No, no you are not. Please, stop convincing me otherwise." I tried to pull away but he refused to let go.
"Aranyth," His tone held no room for arguing. "You are not dreaming. You know I am telling the truth, you only refuse to believe it."
I froze.
Raising my eyes to meet his, any counter that I had ready died on my lips when I realized the truth behind his declaration. Tugging my hands from his hold, I went over to the medical cabinet, flinging it open and searching.
"What are you doing?" He questioned, not moving from his spot. I scowled.
"Going to prove you wrong." I answered, finding the object I was searching for and placing it in my right hand. His eyes widened when he found out what I was going to do.
"Ryn, do not-"
Too late.
"Ryn, have you lost your mind?!" He exclaimed in horror, flying across the room and clutching my arm, ripping away the sharp metal and scrambling to find some fabric to use. "What were you thinking? Why, Ryn? I have never known you to be so rash!"
His voice was drowned out by my terror as I stared down at the blood dripping to the floor. And the pain…My breathing quickened as I shot Elrudyn a fearful look.
"You…You were not lying…You were not lying. Oh Valar…Valar, what have I done?" I sank to the ground, not hearing a word Elrudyn was saying. Elrudyn fell to his knees beside me, shaking me by the arms. I could see his lips moving but heard nothing, his eyes wide with worry. He could tell everything had sunk in.
"Ryn! Stay awake, do not fall asleep!" He ordered but I shook my head, wanting with my entire heart to believe this but my mind refused to do so. "I should not have said anything…" Elrudyn murmured, ripping a part of his tunic off and using it to stop the bleeding. It continued to bleed through. "Of all the things you could have done, you chose to do this?!" His worry made his tone sound sharper than intended but said nothing of it. He searched the room, cursing when he did not find whatever it was he was searching for. A familiar presence touched ours and Elrudyn acted at once. "Lord Glorfindel! Help!" he called and the door was thrown open by the Golden Elf, who took one look at Elrudyn and stumbled in surprise.
"Elrudyn?"
"You can see him too?" I timidly asked, tiredly facing the Elf.
"Now is not the time! Lord Glorfindel, please, help…" Elrudyn shifted and Glorfindel's eyes were drawn to the blood red fabric on my wrist. He was instantly kneeling before us.
"What happened?" He demanded to know, looking to Elrudyn, not yet over his own surprise at finding him alive and well. He even appeared healthy when just a few days ago he appeared…dead.
"Ryn would not believe me…She did this to prove me wrong. To prove she was dreaming." The Golden Elf sharply looked to me and I could sense the silent rebuke he was giving. I said nothing in defense, knowing what I had done was rash and not wise. Of all the places I could have cut instead, I chose my wrist. It stung, but I wasn't focused on the pain.
"We will have to dress this and hope it is not serious." Glorfindel said, lifting me up and setting me on the bed, finding some bandages and using it to wrap my wrist. "Now, will someone explain to me what is going on?"
After a while of explaining, we were finally finished. Glorfindel had a thoughtful expression gracing his features as he took all this information in before clasping Elrudyn on the shoulder.
"I am very pleased to know you are well." At Elrudyn's surprised look, he said, "I understand why you took such drastic measures and it may have been because of making such a decision, you saved your own life." Elrudyn gave the Elf a thankful smile.
"Elrudyn," I softly called, earning both their attention. "I am so sorry for not listening." He shook his head.
"I know why you reacted the way you did. I did not mean to throw it at you."
"No. But…One problem."
"What would that be?" Glorfindel asked.
"How are we to explain this to the others? Especially Uncle Elladan?"
"That…will be difficult." Glorfindel nodded, knowing what I was thinking. Elrudyn pondered for a moment before speaking up.
"I will see my Father tonight."
"Are you sure?" I asked him and he nodded.
"He needs to know."
Walking down the hallway, Glorfindel and I strode in silence. I hoped Elladan would take the news well. Better than I had.
"Ryn."
"Yes…" I trailed off, not knowing what to call him.
"Do not berate yourself for what had happened. Though, I am surprised you took such drastic measures to prove your imagination wrong, I know you were in denial. Keeping such deep regrets and guilt to yourself is a way of destroying yourself in the inside. This," He gestured to my wrist. "is one example of what it can do to you." I looked away, embarrassed and guilty. He tipped my chin with his finger, a kind look in his eyes. "I do not say this to lecture you, but because I care for you and your family. You are all dear to me and I have experienced the same thing everyone of you have. I understand."
"Lord Glorfindel,"
"Only Glorfindel, child." He laid a hand on my shoulder, gently guiding me forward. I nodded before continuing.
"I…When I went to the Healing Rooms, I realized something I should have realized long ago. I was thinking back on the camping trip…To when we had come close to Mordor. Elrudyn…He tried to warn me. To tell me we should not go but I did not listen."
"You did not understand what he meant at first." Glorfindel told me. "Elves can be elusive at times, and most of the time, it has…consequences we tend not to see until it is too late. We are not like humans." He smirked at the thought. "They tend to be blunt, but not as brutally honest as Dwarves."
"But it is how we learn and grow." I thought aloud and at his inquisitive glance, explained, "These mistakes, past regrets, all these incidents that we have; that everyone has, is a way for everyone to learn lessons they cannot or are not taught earlier on. It helps to strengthen us. Or we can choose to let it weigh us down and never move on. We each have our personal experiences where we have to make decisions ourselves with no one else to help or guide us."
Glorfindel nodded.
"That was very wise of you to say. You do indeed take after your Father." He said. "But remember, you do not always have to touch the fire to know that it burns. I can watch you touch the fire and discover for myself that that is a mistake I should not make."
"True…" I murmured.
"You can learn from others, but you learn best from yourself."