A/N Thank you for all of your reviews, follows, faves and PMs. I'm truly appreciative. In this chapter Daryl reveals a bit of himself to Beth.
Many of you have contacted me and shared your stories of dealing with PTSD, and that means so much to me. Thank you. Please keep in mind, this is a fictional piece. Big Hugs to you all.
Beth hung out with Glenn and Maggie for a while after they'd had their pancakes, just having a lazy Saturday.
On her way home she decided to stop at the library and do a little research on PTSD. She'd been diagnosed herself, she'd done countless hours of "talk therapy," but she hadn't had all the same symptoms Daryl seemed to suffer.
She also had to admit to herself that like a lot of people, she hadn't really given what was happening in the Middle East her full attention. It just seemed so far removed from her everyday life. She felt a little ashamed of that now, and she wanted to check a few news magazines and do some online research.
She had internet at home, and a laptop she loved, but there was something so peaceful and comforting about being in a library.
By the time she got back to her place it was 2:00. She noticed a sedan parked out front and as she got out of her car she could hear the voices and the laughter of children. Very unusual sounds for Daryl's house.
She had planned to do some writing in her journal, she'd fallen behind with that and it really helped her stay in focus. She grabbed the spiral notebook and went out to her back porch. That's when she saw them in the backyard, Daryl, a woman, and two young children, a boy about five and a girl about eight or nine.
The children were obviously in control of Daryl, they had him running around playing what looked like a game of tag and he was losing miserably. She even noticed that he smiled at the little people and spoke to them without seeming nervous and guarded, "James, don't be takin' advantage of me now, you know l ain't as fast as you, you gotta give me a break sometimes boy."
And then the little girl yelling, "Quit lettin' him win, you never let me win!"
"That ain't true Sophia, you get me every time and you know it!"
She wondered if maybe he'd been married before, one of those teenage things, and these were his ex-wife and children. It was weird because she was kind of jealous, but at the same time she felt so happy to see him having a little fun, she wished he had more moments like this.
She turned her attention to her journal and she wrote about Daryl, her feelings for him, her sadness about his sadness, all the questions she had about him that she wished she had answers to, before she knew it she'd filled four pages of that spiral notebook with nothing but Daryl. Hmmmm
A woman's voice inquired, "Beth?"
She looked up and saw the woman from his yard standing at the low wall, Beth got up from her chair, smiled warmly and walked toward her, "Yes, hello, I'm Beth."
"Hi Beth, I'm Carol Dixon, Merle's wife," she felt instant relief, it wasn't a teenage thing. She glanced over and she could see Daryl watching them from the corner of his eye, but still paying plenty of attention to the children. "I hope you don't mind having the kids being here making all this noise. Merle's painting the kitchen and the kids kept running in and out, I knew that was just making his job tougher so I wanted to get them out of his way, and they were dying to have some fun with Uncle Daryl. They usually don't get to torture him until Sundays."
"Oh they're not bothering me in the least Carol, it's nice to hear all the happy noise, I'd say they all seem to be having a good time including Uncle Daryl," she smiled at the older woman.
Carol lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "Daryl has nice things to say about you, he says you're a great singer and songwriter and that you've been very nice to him. I want you to know Merle and I appreciate your kindness to him."
Beth was thrilled to know Daryl had spoken about her to his family, spoken highly of her in fact, but she didn't know what to say, or if she was expected to say something in particular, so she just said, "I'm nice to Daryl because we're friends, he's nice to me too."
"Well thank you again Beth, maybe you could join us all for Sunday dinner, not tomorrow of course, I won't be able to cook in that kitchen yet, but how about the following Sunday, would that work with your schedule?" The woman had such a sweet and sincere smile.
"It's so thoughtful of you to invite me Carol, and I'm sure I'd enjoy it, but I know Daryl is, well sensitive, I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable, or feel like I was intruding. Why don't you let him know I'm welcome if he'd like to invite me and if he does that will be great, and if not well I get that some things are difficult for him." She smiled at Carol.
She wasn't going to jeopardize the little bit of progress they were making. She knew if anything was ever really going to move forward with her and Daryl some of it was going to have to be his decision, his doing.
Carol had a small smile on her lips, and she finally spoke, "You're as sweet and nice as he said you are. That's very thoughtful of you Beth and just in case, it's always very, very casual at our house."
It was then she caught his eye and she waved, "Hey Daryl."
He nodded toward her, "Hey Beth."
He wasn't sure why, but he'd caught himself thinking about her all day and earlier, when he saw her come out on her porch, he couldn't help but smile. He wondered what it was she was writing about, maybe it was more songs. He hoped so, he could listen to her sing forever.
xxxx
She'd thought it best she should just come in the house, she almost felt as if she was encroaching on his family time. She picked up her guitar and was picking at the strings, trying to remember the chords of that old song when she heard the sedan drive off. With Carol and the children gone she felt okay about moving onto the front porch.
She wasn't trying to write anything, or be particularly creative, she was just enjoying the afternoon, relaxing and trying to get that song picked out, when suddenly there he was. She hadn't even heard him come out on his porch.
"Sounds real nice Beth," He at least looked at her, even if it was just for a second.
"Thanks Daryl, I'm just playing around with an old tune. Did you have a nice visit with your family?" She asked casually, trying to keep conversation flowing.
"Uh, oh yeah, those kids have a lotta energy they damn near wear me out." He almost had a smile on his face, and she'd seen the way he was with them, she knew he loved those kids.
"Whatcha playin' there? Sounds kinda familiar but I can't place it." He was back to looking down, but at least he was talking to her.
"It's Tom Waits, Hold On, it's such a haunting melody and for some reason it just popped in my head. I'm trying to see if I can pick it out." She smiled and he just happened to see it.
He looked at her like he was thinking about something serious, and then he said, "I'm hungry and I can't go out and get anythin', I can't be drivin' cuz I had a few beers n all, but I's gonna call and get pizza delivered, wanna share? I think it's my turn to cook." And he added that signature shrug.
All she could think was, oh my God he'd invited her to dinner at his place. HIS place! Sure it was just pizza, but this was huge. She was trying hard to keep her smile under control.
"Sure, I could make us a salad," she smiled at him.
"Salad? Uh, well yeah I guess, if you want one." She almost laughed when he said it, what had she been thinking? He certainly didn't seem like a salad lover type of guy. And she was thinking, he's just so darn cute and he doesn't even know it.
"I got some wine and some beers over here too," He had that small half smile and he shrugged that one shoulder.
"That sounds perfect Daryl, I'll be over in a few minutes."
Instead of the salad, she opted to take the leftover pie from the night before.
They were enjoying that pizza, and although meat lovers would not be her first choice, it wasn't bad at all. He asked her what she'd done today, and she was happy he wanted to know, he didn't ask a lot of questions, "I had a late breakfast with my sister and Glenn, we visited and stuff, and then I stopped at the library for a while."
He looked thoughtful, "I like the library, it's quiet in there and no one bothers you. I hadn't thought about that in a long time, I should go. Maybe next time yer goin' let me know, I'll go with you, I mean if that's okay and all?"
"Sure Daryl, sounds great," she smiled, and she could see he'd flushed a little red, so she changed the subject, "Those kids sure seemed to keep you hopping today, they're adorable by the way."
"Those kids, they're a bundle a energy, they're real good people, nice children. I hope the world don't ruin 'em." And there it was, the sad Daryl.
She didn't want him getting down, they'd been having a nice time, she wanted desperately to change his train of thought when her eyes fell to the crossbow in the corner. "Do you use that crossbow for hunting or competitions or something?"
He didn't even glance over at it, "I used to spend all my free time out in the woods, huntin' and campin'. I used it mostly for huntin', but I also just liked shootin' it, you know, just for fun, target practice I guess." He shrugged.
"It's very impressive looking, I'd love to try shooting one sometime. I doubt I could hit anything, but it seems like it would be fun to try." She smiled at him, and he was looking at her like he was deciding something.
"I ain't handled any kinda weapon since I got back home, not sure I can, but if you wanna try shootin' it, we can go out in the woods and I can tell ya what to do." He was chewing the side of his thumb.
She wasn't going to ask him why he didn't want to handle a weapon, she had an idea why and she wasn't going to push him for answers about things she knew were difficult for him. "Oh I'd love that Daryl. I haven't done anything outdoorsy since I lost my family. That would be so nice to be out there again."
And now he gave her a serious look, "Okay, I ain't goin' to my brother's place tomorrow, we could take off in the mornin'. Can you be ready at 7?"
"Yes, sure! I can't wait, I'm so excited to try the crossbow." She beamed him that smile and suddenly he felt happy, maybe it would be a good thing to get out there in the woods, might be a good thing for both of them.
"Oh, but I ain't got a car, just the bike, you okay ridin' on that?" She swore his neck flushed again, like he was embarrassed.
"Yes! I've never been on a motorcycle. Tomorrow is sounding like more and more fun, I can't wait."
He couldn't believe he'd asked her over for pizza, but then he really surprised himself when he asked her to go with him to the woods, offered to teach her how to shoot his bow. The only thing that surprised him more was that she'd said yes, that she was so happy about it, and that had made him look forward to it himself, feel excited, and he couldn't remember the last time he was actually excited to go anywhere. This girl, she seemed to be able to make him step out of himself, and he was thinking that was a real good thing.
xxxx
She was out front and ready to go at 6:45, and so was he.
He seemed nervous, he gave her a nod, "You ready girl?"
"You bet I am."
"What's in that little backpack?"
"Since we ate all the pizza, I thought I'd better make us some sandwiches for lunch." She smiled, and oh my, he smiled back. It made her heart skip a beat.
She was telling herself to slow down, it wasn't even a real date, just two friends spending the day together, but dang, it was a start and she was going to enjoy every minute of it.
She didn't think anything could beat the thrill of the bike ride with him, until he stood behind her, she had the crossbow in hand, and he was explaining to her what to do next, guiding her arms, her hands, her line of sight. She could feel his warm breath on her ear, and his closeness was making concentration difficult.
He told her to pull, and she did. She missed the target, but she was close. Without thinking, he took the bow from her, "You did really good Beth, I think you have a lotta natural talent, but let me show you a couple a things."
He explained some finer points to her, and she watched him effortlessly load the bolt, he showed her the stance and the aim, he pulled the trigger and landed that bolt right in the center of that target.
"Oh my God Daryl, that was awesome! I can't believe how easy you made that look. I'm so impressed."
He was looking down, he shrugged, and then looked in her eyes, "Sharpshooter. You asked, you know, what I did in the Army. Sharpshooter."
And somehow she knew this was a very big deal to him, to have told her that, to reveal even this small part of his experience to her. "Thank you Daryl." That was all she could think to say.
They continued with their practice and she actually started to get pretty good. He was proud of her, she was so willing to try, to laugh at herself when she screwed up, and then to try again. He liked the determination. He was starting to think there wasn't anything about her he didn't like.
He thought he was kidding when he said, "You know Beth we could come out here again and you could try and shoot a rabbit, if you get one we could eat it for dinner."
She smiled at him, "Okay, I'll try to get the dinner, and if you're willing to clean the dinner, I'll even be willing to cook the dinner."
"You got yourself a deal Beth Greene." She was special for sure.
xxxx
It had been a long active day, she had so much fun, much more than she'd expected to have, she was exhausted and yet she felt kind of energized, happy. He'd been so great, so patient with her and she felt like she'd gotten a glimpse of the man Daryl was, that he could be again if he could just beat this Deep Blue Funk. He'd been confident, capable, and he'd even smiled and joked. And he told her something, something she knew he didn't offer up lightly. Whether or not it was the smart thing, and whether or not it would ever work, all she could think was how much she wanted to have a closeness with Daryl Dixon.
The whole day had been a surprise to him. She'd been so willing to give it all a try, and she really was a natural. He didn't see her becoming some kind of avid hunter but she seemed to love just getting out there, hanging in the woods, and that made him happy. He hadn't been out there in forever himself, he'd forgotten how much it meant to him to spend a day in the woods. And damn he'd liked being out there with Beth, and she'd brought him out of the blues, even if just for a little while, hell he was actually having fun, he'd felt happy, he'd shot his bow, and he'd shared with her. She was making his life better, and even though he had no idea where they were headed, he knew he wanted her in his life. He made up his mind he was going to work a lot harder at that therapy he went to three times a week right after work. He admitted to himself he'd been phoning it in, and he wanted to get better, for himself, for his family, and for Beth.
xxxx
She'd been sleeping so soundly when the noise woke her up and her heart started to race, no, no, no they'd had such a great day and now it was being spoiled by one of those terrible nightmares. She didn't want him to go through it alone, and she wasn't going to fight her feelings, she went right over to him.
She stood by his bed, "Please Daryl wake up, please. Wake up Daryl, please wake up, it's just a dream."
When he woke and saw her there he didn't say anything, he just got to a seated position at the edge of the bed, and then simply sighed, "Beth."
"I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it."
"I ain't mad, I know yer bein' concerned n all, that's real nice. I just hate that I wake you, ruin your sleep, and it's embarrassin' for me that you see me this way, so damn outta control."
She knelt in front of him and put her hands to his knees, "Don't be embarrassed Daryl, it's a nightmare, just a bad dream."
He was chewing at his bottom lip, he looked at her hard for a minute, took a deep breath, nodded his head slightly, and said, "Nah Beth, that's just it, it ain't a nightmare, nightmares ain't real, this is real. I just keep livin' that day over n over again in my sleep. The worst fuckin' day a my life and I got to keep livin' it three or four times every week, just like I'm there all over again."
He'd shared something so monumental with her she was overwhelmed, "Thank you for trusting me Daryl, sharing with me, it means everything."
He looked in her eyes for just a moment, then nodded and said, "We better get some sleep, I got work in the mornin' n you got the shelter. C'mon." And she couldn't have been any more surprised when he moved to the far side of the bed and looked to her. She got in next to him and he turned his back to her, and just like the other night she slid an arm around his waist and laid her head on his back, but this time he reached for that hand on his stomach, and he held it, "You wanna go with me next Sunday n have dinner at my brother's house?"
"Yes I'd like that a lot." And she had a smile on her face, and Daryl had one too.
A/N I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd appreciate hearing from you, so please review. Thank you! xo
I am not an expert in PTSD. I do know there are many different symptoms, and no two people are the same. It's my intent to respect those who suffer, but please keep in mind, this is a work of fiction.