Piper's grades picked back up at the beginning of her final year at Smith, and the summer internship she'd had at Time developed into a full-time offer upon graduation. Her father was immensely proud of her, and that meant the world to Piper. She'd e-mailed Alex the news, but as she presumed, there was no reply. She knew that getting on with her life was a priority, but that didn't mean she didn't love Alex. Piper didn't consider herself the desperate type, but she also didn't like being alone.
Polly had been dating Pete from U Mass, Amherst for the past year and a half, and he'd been trying to set Piper up with an exchange student from Italy since the semester started. The blonde didn't know if she was gay or bisexual, and she owed it to herself to figure it out. She agreed to meet Piero on an evening hike that October, and Pete was eager to make introductions.
Polly gave her friend all of the support and encouragement she needed to make the date an adventure if nothing else. Of course, the blonde thought about Alex and felt like she was cheating on her, but her former lover had made it crystal clear that they were no longer a couple; Piper was the one who hadn't yet accepted that. The blonde promised Polly as well as herself that she'd go into the date with an open mind.
"Piper, this is my buddy, Piero," Pete said with a pat on the other man's back.
The Italian man was incredibly attractive with his sandy blonde hair that would probably curl if it wasn't cut so short. He was tall and muscular, and Piper recalled that he and Pete met playing intramural soccer.
"Nice to meet you." She shook his hand. "Pete told me you're on exchange from Italy."
"Yes," he replied. "And you're from Connecticut?"
She nodded. "I know someone who lives in Milan. What city are you from?"
"Milan is a beautiful place." He threw a backpack over his shoulders. "I'm from Bologna."
"I've been there." She smiled. "I visited my gir…" she paused and cleared her throat. "I visited my friend not that long ago."
The word friend stuck in her throat like a bone, and Piper hated referring to Alex that way. They were never friends in the purest sense of the word—they were lovers who had a few things in common, but make no mistake about it, friendship wasn't their priority when they were together.
Piper and Piero continued talking about Italian food and culture as the other couple led the hike. The blonde genuinely enjoyed conversing with the exchange student and didn't mind that the hike was a bit more strenuous than she thought it would be. Alex would never have considered going on a hike with her—that was far too outdoorsy for her. If by some chance, they did go on a hike due to Alex losing a bet, Piper figured they wouldn't make it 500 feet before Alex would have pulled her into the bramble to fuck. She blushed at the thought.
When they reached a lookout point, the gang stopped and set up a picnic of sandwiches, potato chips and beer. Polly had made Jungle Juice, which was what the blonde went for instead of the Budweiser that the guys popped open. They gazed at the stars, and Piero identified constellations in Italian as he moved closer to Piper.
They drank under the stars with blankets covering their bodies in the chilly October air, and Piper closed her eyes as the alcohol took effect. She concentrated on taking deep, slow breaths and allowed her mind to wander. Not surprisingly, the blonde's first thoughts were of Alex, but unlike in the past, she let the idea of the other woman drift away. Perhaps it was the Jungle Juice in her system that allowed her to release the image of Alex, but it was refreshing that it didn't stick around like an unwanted house guest.
"Italy has some of the best mountain ranges," Piero announced after a sip of his third beer. "I've climbed Mount Viso twice."
"Was it difficult?"
"Not so much." Piero reached over and grabbed the blonde's hand, and Piper looked at him with mild trepidation, but then allowed him to entwine their fingers under the blanket.
They laid there in silence as her heart beat faster at the thought of being with a man. She hadn't been with one since Larry, so the prospect of kissing Piero was intriguing. Perhaps that was exactly what she needed to help her let go of Alex.
Two hours after they'd arrived, Polly and Pete started gathering their supplies and cleaning up the mess they'd made. Pete put out the campfire and announced that they should get back to Amherst for the Sig Ep Fall Blast. Piero suggested that the next time they decided to go for an evening hike, they pack gear to spend the night. Piper found herself nodding in agreement.
The two held hands on the walk back, and they all piled into Pete's Jeep to head back to U Mass.
"Will you go to the party with me?" Piero asked, arm around Piper in the backseat.
"Sure." She leaned into him and took a deep breath of his cologne. Piero smelled like a man, and one part of the blonde enjoyed the strong, musky scent. The other part of her missed the sweet, tropical smell of her ex-girlfriend.
"How much longer are you on exchange?" She asked when they pulled up to the Sigma Phi Epsilon house.
"My last day is December 8 when class gets out," he offered. "I don't have any finals."
She walked beside him into the house. "Where will you go from here?"
"Sapienza," he replied, taking her hand again. "I'll graduate in June."
"Is that the University of Rome?"
He nodded.
"I think it has the biggest enrollment of any European university," Piper said, pulling her jacket tighter with one hand.
Piero grinned. "How do you know these things?"
She returned the smile. "I read a lot."
Piper excused herself for a moment to find Polly so that she could tell her that Piero was a nice match. The brunette was thrilled to hear that they hit it off and gave Piper a full cup of some sort of orange alcoholic concoction. The blonde sipped the cocktail as one of her classmates from their Sociology class bumped into her. They made small talk long enough for Piper to have finished the drink and go back for a refill. Piper had been tipsy when they arrived at the party, but by the time she was halfway done with her second Sig Ep cocktail, she was well beyond that.
She found Piero talking to two guys in a room off the main entryway, and just taking the 10 or so steps over towards him was difficult. She stumbled and realized that the orange drink was stronger than the Jungle Juice that Polly had made.
"Whoa, you ok?" Piero asked, throwing an arm around her waist.
She smiled up at him. "What's in this drink?" Piper took another couple of sips of the orange liquid.
"My guess is Everclear," he chuckled. "A far cry from Campari."
"That's the red Italian liquor, right?" She hiccupped. Upon his nod, Piper continued. "My dad drinks that stuff—it's bitter."
Piero grinned. "It's perfect with a touch of soda."
The two of them sat on a bench and laughed at the round of flip cup in front of them. Piero put his hand on her leg, and the blonde enjoyed the touch. Piper asked him to refill her red Solo cup with the alcoholic concoction. At first he protested with "Are you sure you want to drink more of that stuff?" She blinked heavily and nodded. He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek before following orders. Piper looked up at him and saw double. She somehow managed to find his lips with her own.
Piper was just sober enough to distinguish the stubble against her lips when they landed on Piero's face, and she couldn't say that she enjoyed the roughness. His mouth was much wider than her ex-girlfriend's, and his tongue felt denser than Alex's. She also didn't care for the man's breath, but she liked the way he held her as they kissed on the bench.
"I'm very tired. My apartment is two doors down." He rubbed her back. "What do you say we get some sleep?"
Sleep sounded good to the blonde, so she nodded and followed him outside.
"I might be drunk," she hiccupped and covered her mouth.
He laughed and took her hand. "I will help you walk."
She stumbled and had to lean against a tree for a moment. Piper shut her eyes and remembered the last time she was that intoxicated—it was years ago when she'd told Alex that she wanted to kiss a girl. Her eyes opened wide at the memory.
"Are you ok?" Piero asked, brushing hair out of her face.
The blonde rubbed her eyes and pushed herself off the tree. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Good. How about a piggy back ride?"
She giggled. "I love your accent."
Piero bent down so that she could get on his back. "I get that a lot."
Piper had a difficult time getting on his back as she laughed at the situation and continued to hiccup. She finally made it, and Piero walked at a fast clip down the sidewalk until they were in front of a small apartment building. He inserted his key and carried her up one flight of stairs.
He dropped her and she almost fell on her ass. "We're here."
"I can stand," she said with resolve in her tone. "I can do it." Piper attempted to stand straight but it was a feeble attempt. The blonde didn't take the time to look around the sparsely furnished apartment. She held Piero's hand as he drug her to his bedroom and undressed down to his boxer shorts.
"Would you like to borrow something to sleep in?" He handed her a yellow shirt.
She nodded, absentmindedly taking off her clothes, including her bra, and slipping into the t-shirt.
Piper crawled into bed, noticing that his sheets smelled just as manly as he did—she didn't care for the scent. Piero joined her under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. They began to kiss, and once again, Piper couldn't help but notice the annoying stubble around his mouth. She tried to concentrate on his hands as they roamed up her body. The touch was exhilarating, except for the calluses on his hands.
"I've never had sex with a man," she blurted out.
Piero smiled. "Do you want to have sex with me?"
She didn't respond verbally, because she didn't know if that was what she really wanted, especially in her condition. Instead, she kissed him and focused on the physical pleasure that coursed through her veins. Before Piper knew it, Piero was ripping open a purple Trojan package with his teeth. He rolled on top of her and she could feel his erection on her thigh.
"Is this ok?" He asked.
Again, it was as if someone had ripped her vocal chords out of her neck, and she didn't respond. She ran her fingertips over his muscular stomach and onto his chest. Piper closed her eyes and played with his nipples as she thought about Alex's breasts and how much she enjoyed touching and sucking them. She reached up and bathed one nipple with her tongue not liking the feel of his chest hair that matted against him as she licked the nub. Piper felt his penis slip inside of her, and it felt good.
She let him thrust into her and enjoyed the feeling of being filled as he sucked at her neck. She thought about Alex and possibly using a dildo if they ever got back together.
Alex.
Alex.
Alex.
"No, get off me!" She pushed his chest, but Piero had just finished cumming. "I don't want to do this."
He panted as he rolled onto his back. "I asked if you were ok."
Piper reached for her clothing and quickly ran into the bathroom, feeling cum drip down her leg. She rushed to the toilet and puked her guts out. Piero didn't hold her hair back or offer to get a wet towel like Alex had done many years ago. She turned on his shower and stepped under the steaming hot spray, scrubbing her skin and crying—both acts were viciously raw.
Several times in the shower, Piper had to steady herself against the wall—she was still intoxicated and now due to the tears in her eyes, she couldn't see straight. She ran a bar of Ivory soap between her folds over and over again, washing out any trace of the man she'd just fucked.
His body was so very different from the one she'd grown accustomed to, and Piper wanted nothing to do with it. Although it had felt good to be touched by another person, it wasn't the person she wanted, and that made Piper sick to her stomach again. She hurled in Piero's shower until there was nothing left in her stomach, and crumbled to the ground in a fit of sobs.
Piper finally pulled herself together at 2 a.m. while Piero was sleeping soundly in his bed.
She caught the 24-hour shuttle back to Smith, looking every bit as horrible as she felt. When the blonde reached her dorm room, she was thankful to see Polly there alone.
"Pol?" She felt a tear ripple down her cheek. "Polly?" She shook her friend. "I need to talk to you."
Polly rolled over and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"
She sat on the other girl's mattress and told her about sex with Piero. Polly was shocked that her friend had gone that far and didn't think Piper was that intoxicated.
Polly held her friend's shoulders. "At any point, did you say, 'no'?"
"It was like I was paralyzed." She continued crying. "I didn't say anything. I just kept comparing the way he felt to the way Alex feels," she sobbed. "I don't want anyone but her, Polly! I made a huge mistake."
Polly looked her in the eye. "Tell me he used protection."
"Yeah," she sniffed. "I mean, I saw him rip the condom package open." Piper pulled back as if in deep contemplation. "I'm pretty sure he put it on."
"Piper!"
"Please, don't yell at me, Polly." Her tears multiplied. "I was so drunk…"
The brunette threw her arms around her friend. "Everything will be fine."
The blonde was so emotionally wrought that it frightened her roommate. Polly just held her friend until they fell asleep in her twin bed, pillowcase stained with Piper's tears.
Alex woke up shivering in a luxurious hotel room with at least three other adults strewn about the room. From her horizontal vantage point on the sofa, she could see a couple asleep on the floor and an older man snoring in an armchair with an bottle of tequila tucked next to his leg. The balcony doors were flung open and a frigid breeze wafted in. Alex figured it must've been that way all night.
Or day.
Or whatever the fuck time it was.
On the coffee table to her left lay an empty bottle of Cava and a razor next to a small bag of cocaine. She rubbed her nose, wondering if she'd partaken in that particular bag or if there was another area set up with "the finer stuff."
She'd been on a two-week bender, partying with members of the cartel and their clients in Madrid and then Barcelona. Alex didn't know what city she was in much less the day of the week. She stumbled out of the hotel, noticing a Christmas tree in the lobby and twinkle lights around a fountain in the courtyard.
She wiped her eyes as she walked down the narrow street, and when she looked at her fingers, they were covered with mascara. Alex figured she looked like a scary, drugged out clown walking the streets of what she soon realized was Barcelona. She pulled out her cell phone, searching for the e-mail with confirmation of the hotel where she was staying—she knew it wasn't at the place she'd just left, because her luggage was nowhere to be found.
The brunette checked the clock on her phone and noticed it was just past 4 p.m. Days and nights blended together, and she didn't care what time it was—ever. When she'd first started working for the cartel, Fahri and the other leaders liked partying with Alex—she was daring and fun. However, as the months progressed, Fahri warned her twice about her own excessive drug use. If he had to tell her a third time, he'd have to fire her.
She reached the Reina Victoria, the hotel name that she'd finally found buried in her e-mail. While she waited for an extra room key to be made (she'd misplaced the first one), Alex noticed that she had 38 new e-mails dating back two days. After a quick scroll, she gathered that most were from Fahri.
"Fuck," she mumbled.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" The hotel clerk asked with a thick, Spanish accent as she stared at the brunette with apparent repulsion.
"Oh, nothing." Alex caught her reflection in the mirror and almost didn't recognize herself.
"We would be happy to launder your clothing, Ms. Vause," the clerk offered. "Just put anything you'd like cleaned in this bag outside of your door, and it will be delivered 24-hours later."
The brunette accepted the cloth bag and met the woman's eyes for the first time—she was tall, thin and blonde. If Alex had still been high, she might've compared the woman to Piper, but she wouldn't allow herself to go there. Instead, she thanked the clerk, turned on her heel and proceeded to the elevator with her head bowed.
As she stepped into her hotel room, Alex choked on a sob when she got a better look at herself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror. She was completely disheveled, her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were sunken in. She couldn't recall the last time she'd showered and figured it must've been two days ago, since that was the last time she'd been coherent enough to check and respond to e-mails.
She balled her hands into fists and was ready to slam one against the mirror, but something stopped her. Instead, she grabbed a towel from the bathroom and covered the glass as best as she could so that she wouldn't have to see her reflection. She did the same with the mirror above the sink.
Alex turned on the shower as she stripped out of her clothing. She stepped under the warm spray and tears trickled down her face. She hadn't allowed herself to cry in months, so she let it out like a sick infant. Spit flew from her mouth and snot ran down her lips as she bawled under the hot water. She dissolved onto the tile floor, letting the droplets cover her like a salve. Alex stayed like that—knees pulled to her chest in a fetal position—until the water turned ice cold. She finally stood, wiped her cheeks, and turned off the water.
The brunette wrapped herself in a thick towel and climbed into bed, shutting out everything around her. What if Piper saw me like this? Was the last thought she had before dozing off.
Piper didn't talk to Piero again, and the Italian and Pete had a bit of a falling out. She'd learned that Piero did indeed leave the country on December 8, and it was no loss to her. The guy was cute and charming, but he didn't hold a candle to Alex Vause.
That raw, physical encounter taught Piper a lesson she didn't think she ever needed to learn—she didn't want anyone else. Alex might not have had a clear career path, but she made Piper extraordinarily happy. They'd had intense debates about solar versus turbine power; Elvis versus Michael Jackson; Manhattan versus London; Edgar Allan Poe versus Stephen King. Everything they discussed made Piper's eyes light up, because her ex-girlfriend made her think deeply. Alex wasn't unlike her Smith professors who challenged Piper to think outside of the box, so in some ways, she was a mentor—not a label she would've ever assigned to the cigarette smoking brunette years ago.
In the middle of exam week, Piper became increasingly concerned about her menstrual cycle. She hadn't been regular her entire life, so being two weeks late was not unusual. Still, she decided to see a doctor to be sure. Polly went with her for moral support and had convinced her roommate that she would've experienced pains or morning sickness if she was indeed pregnant.
Piper wasn't very worried about it either, considering Piero had pulled out just after ejaculation, plus she was fairly confident he had on a condom. Besides, she'd read that it was difficult to conceive immediately after a woman's last period, and the blonde remembered finishing hers two days before she'd met the Italian.
"Would you like your friend in the room when I give you the results?" The doctor asked.
She looked at Polly and didn't hesitate. "Yes."
"Ok, I'll be back soon."
"About six months ago, I had a scare, too," Polly admitted as soon as the doctor closed the door. "I took a home pregnancy test, and it was positive."
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Why are you just telling me this now?"
Polly shrugged. "I didn't want to scare you. Anyway, I went to the clinic and they found out it was a false positive."
"That's a relief," Piper breathed.
They made small talk about going back to Greenwich for the holidays, but Polly's father was whisking her and his new girlfriend away to Grand Cayman.( Her parents had divorced the previous year, but Polly knew it was coming.) She was able to bring Pete on the island vacation, so she didn't care who was footing the bill as long as it wasn't her.
Piper tried to concentrate on their conversation, but with every minute that passed, she became increasingly nervous. Her hands started sweating and she could feel her pulse quicken. The blonde took a few breaths to try to calm down, but it didn't help.
"Hello, again, Ms. Chapman." The doctor walked in and sat on the swiveling stool. "I'm not sure if this is the news you were hoping for, but you are with child."
Piper could feel the blood rush out of her face. She became lightheaded and crashed down onto the medical table. She felt Polly poking at her, but she couldn't move; couldn't breathe. How was this possible? She had never had sex with a man until this one time.
The doctor waved a potent smelling oil under her nose, and she gasped for breath.
"It's ok; you're fine," the doctor said. She offered other words of assurance, but Piper only heard the phrase, you're with child, and it was on replay in her mind.
She had no idea how long she laid on the bed, but when she was finally able to sit up, a nurse was next to her taking her vitals. The doctor joined them shortly after and talked to Piper about her options. She wanted the blonde to return in two days for some tests, but Piper was hoping that Polly was able to process everything and remind her about their discussion later. For her part, she couldn't concentrate on anything other than the question, What will Alex think of me now?
If Piper could've captured all of the tears she'd cried over the next week, she might've solved the world's water crisis. She was thankful to Polly for constantly supporting her and trying to cheer her up, but nothing would eradicate her from the funk she was in.
She'd done a ton of research online and had a long conversation with a school nurse about abortion, and Piper decided firmly against it. Polly begged her to reconsider, stating that having a child would likely ruin her life, at least for the immediate future, but the blonde stood her ground. She had no idea how she'd tell her father about her pregnancy, but she wouldn't have to worry about that until she began showing in a few months.
And then there was Alex. She considered writing to her ex-lover, begging her to call so that she could tell her voice-to-voice rather than in an impersonal e-mail. As Piper played out the different scenarios in her mind, she pictured two vastly different reactions from her former lover:
1. She'd be even more done with Piper than she currently was, which meant zero contact for the foreseeable future.
2. She'd support Piper wholeheartedly and tell her that they could raise the child together.
Piper was no fool—she knew the second scenario was damn near impossible, so either she'd experience the first, or she simply wouldn't hear from Alex despite multiple attempts at trying to reach her. Even after all that time and with Alex successfully isolating herself from Piper, the blonde couldn't help but hope that the love of her life would return to the US and they could start fresh.
Piper had one more anthropology exam to take, and she didn't even know if she could do that—she was having immense trouble focusing on the material even while she was alone in the dorm room.
Her cell phone chirped, and she was sure it would be her father, asking if she was still planning to drive home the next day. "Hi, dad."
"Hello?" came a woman's voice. "Is this Piper?"
"Sorry, yes." She straightened her back. "Who's this?"
There was a long pause. "It's Janae Watson, Alex's roommate."
"Janae? Hi. Is everything ok?" She ran a hand through her hair.
"I don't know…I'm sorry for calling you, but I didn't know what else to do," she began. "I'll call Alex's mom if you think I should, but somebody's got to know about her."
Oh, God. Piper stood, hand on her chest. "Where is she?"
"I haven't seen her in a month. Usually, she comes back home, like, every couple of weeks, but this time she's been gone too long," she sighed. "I'm worried."
"You did the right thing by calling me." Piper paced in the small room. "When did you last hear from her?"
"She mailed half of the rent check a couple days ago, and there was a note inside that apologized for being gone so long, but it was kind of cryptic." Janae paused, like she'd already said too much. "I'm pretty sure she got involved with a drug cartel; that shit messes a person up."
"A drug cartel? Alex?"
"She was using pretty hard last time she was here—mostly coke."
"What about the modeling contracts?" Piper shook her head as her pulse heightened. "I thought she still had a job with the Italian hand glove company?"
"Nah, that ended a year ago," Janae reported. "I figured she'd been lying to people back home. I should've called sooner."
Piper raised the screen on her laptop. "Is there any way you can make contact with her? Make up some kind of benign emergency just to know she's alive?" Saying those words made the blonde weak in the knees and she had to sit down.
"Yeah, I guess I could come up with something."
Hands shaking, she opened an airline site in a web browser. "If you can find out her location or when she plans to return to Milan, that would be super helpful." Piper tapped her fingers nervously against the keyboard. "If I have to come to Europe, I will."
"I never thought it would come to that, but I don't think it's a bad idea," she replied.
"As soon as you hear from her, Janae, call me."
"Alright. Bye."
Piper put her hands on the edge of her desk and hung her head as she breathed deeply. This was the last thing she needed to worry about, but if Alex was in trouble, there was no way in hell she'd let her rot on the streets of Europe.
By mid-December, Fahri had "released her from her duties," and Alex was officially an unemployed user. She had $400 to her name and had to try to get clean somehow. If she could make it a week without booze or drugs, she'd consider it a success.
Alex received an obscure message from Janae about a possible gas leak in their apartment complex, and there was a chance that they'd have to permanently vacate the premise within the week. Janae had asked her what she wanted her to do with her belongings, forcing Alex to make a choice—tell her roommate she didn't give a damn or make her way back to Milan to take responsibility.
A day later almost as if on autopilot, the brunette found herself on a train back to Milan, thankful for the cheap Eurail student pass. It was going to take her a couple of days to get home, but for the first time in a very long time, Alex felt good about her decision. She'd been sober for two days, and with every passing hour, Alex felt a little more in control of her life.
She hadn't been proud of the choices she'd made over the past year. Breaking up with Piper was right for one reason but wrong for so fucking many more. She didn't regret forcing the blonde to take a stand about their relationship, but there were other ways she could have gone about it. They were in love, for God's sake, and Alex threw it all away because of Piper's fear of coming out. Would it have been that hard to wait another year to confess their love to Bill Chapman? Piper had promised that she'd tell her father about their relationship at the right time, and she'd given no indication to Alex that she'd default on that promise.
Alex closed her eyes as the train muscled through Grenoble, this time making a promise to herself—if she could stay clean through the Christmas holiday, she would reach out to her former lover. The least she could do was tell Piper she still cared.