Piper woke up the next morning, and Alex was still sound asleep. She shifted as quietly as she could to stare at the woman next to her. There was more color in her cheeks that morning, but they were still hollow. The blonde wondered how deep her ex-girlfriend had sunk into the drug world and how committed she'd be to getting out of it. Rather than worry about the details of the last seven months in that moment, she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer, thanking God that Alex was alive. Piper chanced a kiss on the inside of Alex's wrist before slowly getting out of bed.
She shuffled into the kitchen and noticed an odd-looking coffeemaker, so she searched for grounds in the cupboards and milk or cream in the refrigerator.
"No!" She heard from the bedroom. "No, stop! Piper!"
The blonde rushed into the other room, kneeling next to the bed and reaching for Alex. "Shh, it's ok. You're having a bad dream."
Alex's eyes shot open and she grabbed Piper's wrists as if she was an intruder. It seemed to take the brunette a few seconds to realize where she was and who she was holding. Alex sat up, throwing her arms around Piper's shoulders and breathing heavily. "You're here."
"I'm here," she assured her.
Piper felt her nod against her neck. "You want to try to go back to sleep?"
"No." She pulled back to look at the blonde. "I'm awake."
Piper thought some levity might serve both of them well. "Good. Maybe you can show me how your foreign coffeemaker works."
Alex gave her what she assumed was the best smile she could muster.
They made coffee together, and Piper found some frozen berries in the freezer. She didn't ask Alex if she wanted a smoothie for fear that she would decline the offer, so she pulled out the blender she'd discovered the night before, poured some orange juice in it with the frozen fruit, two tablespoons of peanut butter, and a half-rotten banana. "Drink this."
The brunette held the glass to the light. "What the fuck is it?"
"Fruit smoothie—it's good for you." She rinsed out the blender, and then sat on the sofa with her cup of coffee. "It's cold in here."
Alex took a sip of the concoction, and then grabbed a blanket from the closet before joining her on the couch.
"When was the last time you ate something good for you?" The blonde pulled the shared blanket higher and buried her toes under Alex's thigh.
"I honestly have no idea." Alex ran a hand through her messy hair. "Maybe a few nights ago in Barcelona?"
She took a sip of coffee. "What were you doing in Spain?"
Alex swallowed the smoothie. "You sure you're up for this?"
Piper nodded. "I want to know everything, even if you think I'm not going to like it."
"You're not going to like any of it," she replied in a definitive voice with raised brows. She took a deep breath, seemingly steeling herself for a mighty confession. "Two days after I got back from our parents' wedding, Elite fired me. They handed me my final paycheck and showed me the door. That meant that my two miniscule contracts were null & void, and I had no job prospects."
"Why didn't you just come back home?" Piper asked with sincerity.
"With my tail between my legs?" she laughed haughtily. "I wasn't about to go back as a failure. I'd lost you, plus I didn't go to college and was a shitty high school student. The one break I finally got was supposed to be my big ticket—to prove to my mom, and to you, that I made something out of my life."
Piper put a hand on her blanketed knee. "You don't have to prove anything to either of us."
"Then to myself." She shrugged. "I refused to crawl back home without a job or a story."
The blonde set her coffee mug down as she listened.
"One of the photographers I worked with was heavy into the drug scene. We smoked out occasionally, and he hooked me up with his dealer. I sold dime bags for a couple of months, but I made more money at Salvatore's, parking cars." She adjusted on the sofa, putting some distance between her and Piper. "Somehow, I got introduced to the people in charge of this one cartel, and they started giving me little assignments here and there and paid me a shitload of money for stuff I could've done in my sleep."
Her brows lifted impossibly high. "You worked for a drug cartel?"
Alex scratched her head. "Yeah, until I partied too hard and cost them almost as much as they paid me." When Piper didn't say anything, Alex continued. "For the past six months, I've been using pretty heavily. I think I've tried everything except meth."
"Alex," she breathed. No wonder she looked so dreadful.
"It got to a point where I didn't know what day it was. Fuck, I didn't even know what month it was. Daytime or nighttime didn't matter—all I cared about was my next high so the pain would go away."
"What pain?"
Alex picked at a piece of lint on the blanket, and Piper could almost see the wheels turning in her head. "The pain of losing you," she said reticently.
"It was your decision to breakup with me, Alex. I didn't want that." Piper angled her body towards her companion. "You didn't give me a choice."
She lowered her head. "I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong."
"You pushed me away, making me believe you didn't care," Piper explained with a furrowed brow.
"I always cared, Piper."
"You sure as hell didn't show it!" She raised her voice. "I texted, called, e-mailed, wrote letters—you didn't reply to anything over the past six months. How in the hell was I supposed to know that?"
Again, Alex bowed her head and took a deep breath. "I never deserved to be with you."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"You're larger than life!" Alex answered in a brash voice. "Everything you touch turns to gold. How was I supposed to keep you interested in me—a fucking washed up kid with nothing more than a high school diploma and two years' worth of third-rate modeling?"
"What you did for a living had nothing to do with how I felt about you!" She shook her head. "I loved you, Alex!"
"Past tense," she noted. "As it should be."
Piper lowered her head and huffed as if this was an argument she knew she couldn't win.
The brunette set her empty glass on the coffee table. "Why are you here?"
She looked directly into Alex's eyes. "I didn't want you to be rotting in a fucking gutter where no one would ever find you because of your foolish pride."
Alex lifted and lowered her eyebrows quickly before looking away. Piper could tell her words stung.
She switched back to the broader topic. "What happened with the cartel? Are you still dealing?"
"They fired me, too," she said with self-deprecation.
It was difficult for Piper to see her former lover in this state. Alex had been the epitome of confidence once upon a time, so to see her this helpless was disheartening.
"Good," the blonde responded.
Alex shot her a look.
"You're coming back to Connecticut with me," Piper stated firmly. "If I have to sedate you, I will, but you're not staying here."
"I have rent due and bills to pay, Piper," she said with a chuckle as if there was no way the blonde could comprehend her level of responsibility. "I can't just pick up and leave."
"You can." She punctuated her statement with her eyebrows. "I'll take care of the financial stuff. I'm not leaving without you."
"So what? Am I supposed to thank my lucky stars that Ms. Moneybags saved me? Fuck that." Alex stood. "I can make it on my own."
"I know you can," she replied with conviction. "But for the hundredth fucking time, you're coming home with me. That's non-negotiable."
Alex pursed her lips, seemingly trying to hide a grin. "I forgot how hot you are when you get all bossy and possessive."
Piper's hard exterior dropped for a matter of seconds, but she quickly recovered. "There's a lot I need to tell you, too, Alex. One thing in particular that you aren't going to like."
"It can't be any worse that what I've told you," she said, filling a mug with coffee.
"We'll talk about me later. I want to focus on you for now."
They spent the next two hours talking about what Alex's life had been like for the past seven months, and Piper had a hard time stomaching the choices her former lover made. Here was this gorgeous, smart, savvy woman who had the opportunity of a lifetime, and she'd squandered it. Alex had known that she wouldn't be a model for long—that kind of career had a finite lifespan, yet she let it expire without a plan. That, the blonde thought, was Alex's Achilles Heel: she enjoyed free falling through life. Piper couldn't comprehend such an attitude and hoped that the brunette's recent mistakes would serve as a major life lesson.
The only thing Piper held onto as Alex talked about her wretched life was that everything the brunette said came with regret. She owned up to the poor choices she'd made and felt embarrassed by them.
Good, Piper thought. You should be.
Alex hadn't intended to talk for as long as she did about her life in Europe, nor had she anticipated telling Piper every last detail. The blonde had a way of extracting information from her like no other. After two hours, Alex felt like her soul had been somewhat cleansed, and for the first time in ages, she felt relieved.
"Was that your stomach growling?" she asked.
"Yeah." Piper put her hand on her belly. "Guess I'm hungry."
"Let's get you fed." Alex stood and held out her hand. "I need a break from all of this honesty bullshit anyway."
The blonde offered a warm smile.
They got dressed in silence, Piper taking her clothes into the bathroom to change and Alex closing her bedroom door so that she could slip into jeans and a sweater. Sex was the furthest thing from the brunette's mind—she felt raw and exposed, hardly an attractive combination.
At breakfast, she asked Piper a few questions about her internship at Time, and the blonde informed her that she was offered a full-time job at the publishing company upon graduation. (She vaguely remembered reading a letter from Piper about this, but she was probably drunk or high at the time.) Alex smiled as best she could at the news and was genuinely happy for her ex-girlfriend.
Piper's face lit up when she talked about her academic life that semester, and Alex basked in the blonde's positive energy. She recalled in an instant why she fell in love with Piper and knew that it wouldn't take much to rekindle those feelings. Trouble was, she didn't think she was worthy of Piper's love.
As they continued talking about college, Alex made a mental note that Piper skipped over the first semester of senior year and didn't want to talk at all about her social life. In fact, the blonde's eyes clouded over when Alex asked if she'd made any new friends at Smith.
"You must have more friends than just Polly." Alex drained her glass of orange juice.
Piper left two $20 bills on the table, not caring that she was overpaying for the meal since she didn't have any Euros. "I have a number of friends at school."
Alex put her napkin on the table. "Do you want to tell me about them?"
"Not really." She looked down and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah." The brunette pushed her chair in, and they walked outside. She didn't want to force the issue, but she'd press a little harder when she felt more up to it. They walked passed a storefront with a miniature North Pole village in the display window complete with a sleigh, reindeer and Santa Claus. "I forgot that it's almost Christmas."
Piper glanced up at her. "I want to be home before Christmas day."
She shoved her hands in her coat pockets. "You should be."
"You seem to be forgetting that you're coming with me."
"I never agreed to that," Alex whispered.
"Like I said, you don't have a choice," Piper responded with a solemn expression.
The brunette decided not to argue. She was convinced that if Piper put her mind to something, there was nothing anyone could do to stop her. Alex was scared of going back to Connecticut; she felt like a loser and didn't want to face the pitied looks that her family would surely give her. Nicky, on the other hand, would be grateful that she was home. As far as Alex knew, she hadn't done shit with her life, so in a sense, it would be like old times.
They arrived back at Alex's apartment, and Piper told her that she should reach out to Janae. The blonde gave her a moment to make the call while she talked to Diane on the phone. Alex had told her she wasn't ready to talk to her mom—she didn't want to answer a string of questions on the heels of having bared her soul to Piper. The blonde agreed to that, but told Alex that she'd have to answer some hard questions from the people who loved her at some point in the near future.
After both women made their calls, Alex sat on the sofa next to Piper. "I'm sure you're not done interrogating me."
The blonde dove right in. "Why didn't you respond to my calls or texts?"
"I wanted you to get over me." She shrugged. "I also didn't want you to see me like this."
"Alex, we were in love," Piper stated with hurt in her voice.
She nudged her glasses higher on her nose. "You didn't want to come clean with your dad, and that fucking stung."
"Why was that so important?"
"It proved the point that I've been trying to make all along—I'm not on your level, Piper; I'm not good enough for you," she admitted with a slightly raised voice.
"My decision not to tell my father about us had nothing to do with you," she explained. "It was about finishing college on his dime. I knew how he felt—how he feels—about homosexuality, and if I would've come out to him back then, I'm telling you, Alex, he would've cut me off."
"And I struggle with that," she said a bit louder. "You chose to give up the woman you loved so that you could keep daddy happy."
Piper stood and held out her hands. "I'm not like you—I can't fathom going through life without a plan."
"What message do you think that sent me?" She lifted her eyebrows. "That my way of living is inferior to yours."
"That's not what I was insinuating." The blonde clenched her jaw. "I'm saying that in order for me to have the kind of life that I want, I needed to play by the rules a little longer. It had nothing to do with the way you chose to live your life."
"Everything you're saying is past tense." Alex folded her arms. "Hypothetically, if we got back together now, would you tell your dad?"
Piper appeared deep in thought, and Alex wondered if she was thinking about something more profound than her simple question.
"Yes," she whispered after a minute of silence.
A tiny smile registered on Alex's face and her heart fluttered, but she dared not give it away. "Good to know."
"When we broke up, you said it didn't mean that you didn't love me," Piper said barely above a whisper. "Did you ever stop?"
Alex needed to be as honest with herself as she was with Piper. "No."
Piper blushed as a shy smile surfaced, and the brunette thought it was the most beautiful sight she'd seen all year.
"Did you stop loving me?" Alex felt incredibly vulnerable for having to ask that question, but she'd already shined a microscope on her life, why not put her heart under it, too?
"I flew 3,000 miles to see you with less than 48 hours' notice." The blonde walked back to the sofa and stood between Alex's legs, looking down at her. "I'd made my decision to come here the second Janae called, and there was no way anyone could've stopped me."
Alex swallowed hard and looked up.
"I made a life-changing mistake while you were gone, Alex, but I never stopped loving you." Piper grabbed her hands and threaded their fingers together. "Not for a second."
The brunette tugged her hands until Piper bent at the waist. The blonde let go and braced herself on the cushions on either side of Alex's face. Piper closed the gap between them, gently kissing her ex-lover on the mouth. There was no urgency in the kiss—it was like a long, warm summer day, and Alex closed her eyes, memorizing the way it felt.
The blonde pulled back, resting her forehead against Alex's.
"Tell me about this 'life-changing' mistake," the brunette whispered.
Piper straightened and sighed loudly as she looked away. She blinked rapidly, trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes, and Alex knew it was something bad.
"I don't know how to tell you," her mood shifted and her voice trembled.
Alex tried to lighten the severity of the blonde's pending confession. "Do you think it was easy for me to tell you every fucking detail of my remarkably poor decisions?"
Piper didn't smile; she faced the window and put her hands on her hips. Alex could see her chest moving in and out as she presumably tried to control her breathing.
"Whatever it is, Piper, you can tell me."
The blonde continued staring out of the window. "After we broke up, I was a train wreck—I didn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I hardly went to class for a month. My grades suffered, and I ended my second semester junior year with a B and two Cs. I know for most people, that's not a big deal, but it was for me." Piper glanced at her hands, which were twisting in front of her. "If I would've applied for the internship at Time after my grades were in, I wouldn't have gotten it."
Alex felt horrible that she had a direct effect on Piper's academic success. "Sorry to hear that."
Ignoring her apology, the blonde continued. "Even after the semester ended, and I went home for summer, I stayed in bed for like a week. When my internship started, my dad had to physically get me out of bed the first few days. He asked what was wrong, but I never told him the truth." Piper folded her arms around her upper body almost as if giving herself a hug. "Your mom was worried about me, too, and we had a talk. To this day, I think she knew we were more than friends."
Her brows shot up. "My mom?"
The blonde twisted her head and glanced at Alex. "Yeah."
"I never told her anything about us, but it wouldn't surprise me if she knew," the brunette admitted. "She's always been freakishly perceptive."
"If it wasn't for my internship, I don't know how I would've survived that summer," Piper confessed. "Polly was the only friend I talked to about us, and she was tired of hearing me whine about our breakup." She stared at the snow flurries outside. "By the middle of July, I threw myself into the internship and sometimes worked 40 hours a week when I was only supposed to work 20."
"Sounds like it paid off though," the brunette commented.
She didn't turn around. "It did." Piper moved closer to the window, putting her hand flat against the glass. "I went back to Smith in August with a relatively new lease on life. You hadn't returned any of my e-mails or texts, so I figured you'd moved on and expected me to do the same."
Alex closed her eyes, remembering the painful time in both of their lives. Hell, it was still fresh like an open wound. One day of talking about it wasn't going to change anything or even make things that much better—both women were a long way from healed.
"Pete had been trying to set me up with a guy he played soccer with—an exchange student from Bologna—and I'd resisted at first because I was still so hung up on you, but since he was from Italy, I figured I could at least talk to him about where you lived—maybe that would make me feel closer to you." She backed away from the window and began pacing in the small living room. "We hung out with Pete and Polly, and we all got pretty drunk. One thing led to another."
"You slept with him?" It ripped Alex's heart apart even though she knew it shouldn't have mattered. She was the one who'd broken up with Piper and had given her every indication to move on with her life.
"Yes." Piper's chin quivered, and she steadied herself against a kitchen stool as if without that support, she would have dissolved to the ground. "I was so drunk, and all I could think about was you." Tears rushed down her cheeks as she continued. "I remember touching his nipples and thinking of yours. When he…he penetrated me, I wondered what it would be like to use a sex toy with you." She sniffed.
Alex tightened her jaw and balled her hands into fists, trying to remain silent and calm but inwardly shrieking at someone else touching Piper.
"He asked if I was ok, and I couldn't even respond—all I could see was your face." A sob escaped, and Alex jumped up to comfort her.
She put her hands on Piper's shoulders and was ready to turn her around so that she could hug her, but the blonde shrugged her hands away.
"Let me finish," Piper demanded, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "When I realized that he was cumming, I pushed him off of me. I ran into the bathroom and vomited my guts out." Another stream of tears rolled down her face. "I couldn't believe how stupid I was. I took a shower and scrubbed his scent off of my body until I scratched myself and my arms bled."
"Piper," she whispered. It killed Alex to not be able to hold her when she was in this much agony. "At any point, did you tell him to stop?"
She swatted at another tear on her cheek. "He didn't rape me if that's what you're getting at." Piper faced the brunette, finally looking into her eyes. "That's not even the worst of it."
Again, she balled her fingers into fists, ready to punch the wall. "I'm barely keeping it together here, Piper, so please tell me what in the hell happened to you."
"Alex…" Tears flowed from Piper's eyes like a faucet, and it was hard for the brunette to even see the blue pigment. "I…I'm pregnant."
Her mouth hung open as she blinked slowly at the realization. Of all the things Alex expected to hear, that was not one of them. Piper had always done the right thing and held herself to a moral standard that most young adults would've scoffed at. She was saintly compared to Alex, and now she was pregnant?
She must've heard wrong. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I'm pregnant." Piper bent over, like her body couldn't carry the weight of the confession. She was bawling like a child who'd fallen off the jungle gym and had broken a limb.
"Oh, babe." Alex couldn't stand it any longer. She grabbed the woman in front of her and embraced her. "I'm so, so sorry."
The blonde cried against Alex's shoulder and might've even bitten it at one point as her mouth was open, releasing raw, animalistic sounds.
"Shh, it'll be ok." Alex tried soothing her by rubbing her back and gently swaying.
After a few minutes, Piper finally spoke. "Are you mad at me?"
The brunette put her hands on Piper's tear-stained, reddened cheeks. "Why would I be mad at you? I'm the one who pushed you away. This is all my fault."
"It's not your fault, Alex." She sniffed. "You're not the one who's having a baby."
"Still." She shrugged. "If I wouldn't have broken up with you, we wouldn't be in this position."
Piper suddenly became very still as she stared into the brunette's eyes. "We?"
Alex raised her brows, feeling the sting of tears prickling her own eyes. She ran a hand down the back of Piper's head. "Do you really think I'm going to let you go through this alone?"
Another round of tears sprung from Piper's eyes as she pulled the brunette towards her. Alex could feel the fistful of sweatshirt that the blonde had grasped, and it was clear that Piper was afraid of letting go. Somehow, Alex managed to walk them towards the sofa, and Piper collapsed onto the other woman in a heap of weak limbs.
Alex kissed her forehead. "Who knows about your pregnancy?"
"Polly and now probably Pete," she replied, sniffling a nose full of mucus.
Alex reached for a Kleenex. "What about the guy?"
"No." She felt Piper shake her head against her chest. "I wouldn't even know how to contact him. I don't want to ever see him again."
"Ok." She rubbed the blonde's back, and they sat there for possibly another 30 minutes, mostly in silence.
Piper finally pushed herself off of Alex's chest, strands of hair glued to her face by tears. "I don't know how I'm going to tell my father."
The clarity of what Alex wanted in that moment was the most staggering feeling she'd had in possibly a year. "Let me help."
"How?" She'd stopped crying and wiped her tender cheeks with another tissue.
Alex rubbed Piper's thigh. "We can talk about it on the plane tomorrow."
The hope in Piper's eyes was like a child running to see what Santa had left under the tree on Christmas morning. "You'll come home with me?"
The brunette grinned. "I thought I didn't have a choice?"
"You don't." Piper leaned forward, hugging Alex again. She pulled back and smiled as best as she could. "But I was certain I would've had to kidnap you."
Alex let out a soft chuckle, but then quickly sobered. She splayed her hands across Piper's jawline. "Wherever you are is where I want to be."
Piper's chin quivered as if another set of tears was about to rumble down her face, but Alex kissed her on the lips in hopes of preventing the sob from surfacing. The blonde was the one who deepened the kiss, running her tongue inside the other woman's mouth.
It felt like coming home.
This was one of my favorite chapters to write. I hope it met your expectations!