Duke got the soup on the fire and sat down with Mara, handing her a drink in a blue carton. She looked at it and glanced up at Duke, surprised.
"Maple water? Where did you get this?"
"You like that? You can get it at the store now."
She looked interested despite herself. "Really? I have maple trees and taps, but I can only tap in the spring, so- well, it would be nice to have that kind of thing year-round." She shrugged, trying to look disinterested. It made Duke smile.
"I brought two cases, so drink up. You need to be hydrated to get well."
Her head lolled back, and her arm shook a little as she raised the drink to her mouth. She scowled as a little dribbled down her front, but kept going.
She truly was incapable of asking for help.
"Mara, do you want a straw or something?"
"I was just thinking I wish I had a couch. Something soft that I could lean back in. I'm so tired of chairs." She blinked, a thoughtful look on her face. She was thinking of comfort, and she'd seen something in a picture once that had looked just lovely. Something that sounded so comfortable suddenly that she was intent on having one.
"What's up? You're thinking about something, I can tell."
She pursed her lips, trying to focus through the pain and the fever. This was simple. Cotton, even bamboo fiber could make strong, soft cloth. A large oval pouch, eight feet wide. Strong, tightly woven cloth that would still be soft. A warm brown color to match the wood and the bearskin rug.
Filling. Denim was made of cotton, and finely shredded it was soft and durable. Duke stared, amazed as a beanbag-type couch filled out, growing into being in front of them. Mara stared intently as the shape altered, arms and back taking shape, getting taller. When it looked stable, she went limp again, staring at it thoughtfully. She glanced at the carton in her hands and took a breath, pushing herself to her feet. She took a shaky step and paused, sighing.
"Duke, would you mind moving that a little? Just so it's on the other side of the bear skin, facing the fireplace, please."
He stood, trying to keep the smile off his face as he adjusted it to where she wanted it. "That about right?"
Mara nodded, still standing in the same spot. She finally sighed, stretching her neck. "Would you mind giving me a hand?"
He closed the distance, scooping her up and setting her on the new couch, pulling a stepstool from a corner and laying a pillow on it, lifting her foot and gently placing it on top. She sank back with a relieved groan, eyes slipping closed. "Thank you."
He sat next to her, not quite touching. "You're welcome. You know, I don't mind helping when you need it. I wish you'd ask more often."
Leaning back, she was able to take a long drink of the maple water. She stared at the flames as she spoke. "I have trouble asking for things. I had to be self-sufficient. Asking for help like a spoiled little girl, it's a sign of weakness. When people know your weakness, they exploit it."
Duke nodded, staring at the fire as well. "I won't pretend I don't understand, but it's just us right now. I ask you things all the time. I trust that you don't judge me about that. You haven't ever held it against me, even when you're mad. It's why I didn't realize the dreams were real for so long."
She snuggled deeper, wishing she had a blanket. Or that Duke was closer. "That's different. I've volunteered to take that role, repeatedly."
"Well, now I'm volunteering. I'm not a kid, I'm capable of helping you now."
She turned slowly to look at him, expression guarded. "What do you mean?'
"I remember things from the Lucy times. You helped me."
Mara tried to keep her tone conversational. "What do you remember?"
"My dad tried to hit me, Lucy tried to protect me. When I got Garland there, it was you. I didn't remember until yesterday."
Mara's jaw tightened but she didn't look at Duke. "You remember a lot more than most people."
"Mara, it's been driving me crazy since I remembered. What happened? When did you wake up?"
"I'd been awake a long time. I got control when I realized we couldn't get loose, that we lost that fight. I was awake most of the Lucy time, and in control more than half the time."
"How? Why?"
"Garland sought me out, he and Dave did the research to find my information. Garland wanted help for Nathan, he wasn't recovering well even with Max gone. So he asked me to take the memories away. I'm why Nathan doesn't remember Max or the abuse. Most of the time I spent with James was as myself, and most of the time with you."
"Mara... what did Simon do to you?"
"Duke, I think you know, and it won't help you to hear me say it."
He looked so sad, and he whispered, "It's my fault. You were trying to protect me, and if I had run, if you hadn't froze when you saw me watching-"
"No, no stop." Her hand reached out to wrap over his and her voice was serious and intense. "You didn't make him do anything. Chances are I wasn't getting out of that fight no matter what. You brought help, Duke. And even knowing, I'd do it again. It was worth it, knowing he never hurt you again."
Duke put the time frame together, finally looking up at her. "He died less than three weeks later."
"Yeah, he did. It was the only way to know you were safe. I knew I couldn't let you down. Your heart was so good, I couldn't let Simon go on, he would have kept hurting you, trying to make you like him." She was tired, hurting, and she was so cold. "I understand if you're angry."
"I'm not angry, Mara. I'm grateful. I'm really sorry you got hurt, that he touched you, but you saved me. You made me feel so hopeful, like I was worthwhile. Thank you."
Her eyes slipped closed, and her voice was rough. "Would you mind grabbing a blanket? I'm cold."
Duke stood, putting another log on the fire and stirring the soup, grabbing the comforter from her sleeping mat and then stretching out against her, putting the blanket over them and wrapping his arms around her. It surprised Mara so much she had to blink against tears, her throat tight.
"Thank you. Please don't think I'm trying to guilt you into anything. I- Garland told me to try to be myself and trust you. So I'm trying."
"Thank him for me."
She blushed, but leaned her head against Duke.
"Hey, Mara?"
"Hmm?"
"This couch is really comfortable, and I was wondering- I've never seen you do anything like this. I mean, I know you were melting things on the boat, but if it isn't rude, can I ask how?"
"Part of the original gift. Aether is my primary tool, but I can manipulate any naturally occurring element. Metals, glass- all that is is heated sand-, plants and weather. So I melted the chains and I melted a bottle to make the sculpture, and I used mostly cotton and bamboo fibers to make the couch. I saw one of these frameless couches in a picture awhile back, and it sounded so comfortable, and I was so tired of sitting in hard chairs."
"I think it's amazing."
"Thank you. Can I ask one more favor?"
"Sure, anything."
"Could you hand me the bottle of medicine I made and some of the pain meds you mentioned? My metabolism burns through medication quickly, I need much higher doses more frequently than regular people."
He was on his feet immediately, handing her the corked bottle while he went to get the bag of medical equipment he'd brought. She didn't measure, just took a drink directly from the bottle and recapped it before handing it back.
"You want oral or injectable? I have both."
"Injectable works faster, if you don't mind." She rolled up her sleeve.
"How much higher should the dose be?"
"About twice as much as you'd give Dwight if he got shot."
Duke paled. "Mara, that would knock out an elephant!"
She shrugged. "I can either remind you that I have a high metabolism or I can accuse you of saying I'm fat. You pick."
He held up his hands in surrender. "No, it's fine. Twice what I'd give Sasquatch. But wait, what am I medicating him for; getting shot in the shoulder or the gut? There's a significant difference." Mara considered. He did have a point.
"For sake of comparison, groin." His face turned quickly from pale to green.
Men were so funny.
Duke drew up a syringe, wiping alcohol across her arm before giving the shot. By the time he had put everything away and rejoined her on the couch, she was positively cuddly, and when he opened his arms to put them around her she leaned in, laying against him across his lap. He just held her, surprised but gratified. He pressed his cheek against her forehead to check her temperature, worried that she was still so warm.
She nuzzled his face, pressing a tiny, hesitant kiss to his jaw. He just held her tighter.
The combination of fever and narcotics made her feel relaxed and loose-limbed. It took away a bit of the iron control she kept over herself and what she let people see. She was talking before she even realized it.
"I've always loved hidden things. Hidden rooms and compartments. This house is full of them."
"Really? Can I see?"
She smiled, her suspicious, scornful mask forgotten. It felt so much like old times to her- here in this safe house, where she'd lived the only truly happy days in her life- and she didn't keep secrets from Duke, she'd never kept secrets from Duke.
"Sure! Come on."
She held onto his hand as she pushed up, the pain in her foot still present but overshadowed by the euphoria of narcotics and home. She led him to her hope chest, skipping her fingers over the stones that opened the drawer. "This is where I usually keep my weapons and tools. This dagger, the sash and the pouch of orbs. William made me the dagger as a gift."
Duke was examining the drawer, trying to figure out how it worked. "This is so cool, you can't even tell it's there when you close it, like the gate out front."
She giggled- giggled- and closed the drawer. "Smartest man I ever knew told me the safest place to hide things was in plain sight, but with ways only you know how to open."
Duke grinned. "That's what I always say."
She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "I know, silly. Like- look, come to the front door."
She let the way outside, holding steady on Duke's arm, closing the door behind her. "These disks and stones? They're the lock. It's a puzzle. Go ahead."
Duke stared for a moment, trying to understand why the lock looked familiar. When he reached out to touch the stones, his fingers moved quickly, and the door was open in a matter of seconds. Mara clapped, laughing, and Duke's confusion grew, a foreign feeling starting at the base of his spine and traveling upwards until his whole body tingled.
What was going on?
She took him to spot after spot, drawers and cupboards, some empty, others holding gold coins, stones and other treasures she didn't give him time to look at. One above the mattress held a single book, handmade paper bound in heavy brown leather, the letter 'C' embossed on the front. He reached for it before Mara could snatch it away, curious. Her eyes went wide and she shook her head, looking panicked, but no words came from her mouth.
Oh gods, what had she been thinking? She couldn't concentrate, she kept slipping- forgetting what year it was, forgetting who she was now, who Duke was, how drastically different her life had become. Her tongue felt thick and her mouth was dry, it was like she couldn't talk or move as Duke flipped the ancient book open.
He was greeted with a beautiful, lovingly hand-drawn picture of himself.
Oh no. Dear gods, what had she done?
Duke looked stunned and Mara was still frozen, rooted to the spot as he randomly opened to another page- this of him holding an infant, laughing at something the swaddled baby had done.
Her hands came up, arms wrapping around herself as he turned page after page; a picture of he and Mara sitting in front of the tree outside, the cottage clearly visible as a baby played in wildflowers, another of the baby playing with Duke's face, a ring clearly visible on Duke's left hand. One of Duke and Mara together under an arbor of flowers with a ribbon around their hands, William standing with them and grinning.
"No." Mara finally whispered. "No, I messed up, that's not- that's not your problem, that's not supposed to-" she choked on a sob, fleeing out the door, sitting on the porch swing where great, gut wrenching cries shook her whole body. The scabbed wounds that she kept hidden were torn wide, making the tears fall like rain as wind whipped around her, thunderclouds rolling in.
Duke slowly came to sit next to her, silent for a long, tense moment as she cried, the essence of heartbreak personified.
"Mara, what is this?"
She keened, gripping herself harder. After a moment, Garland appeared, kneeling before her.
"Tell him the truth, darlin'. You told me yourself, you keep things locked up too long, they start to poison you."
"Everything is different. Nobody will believe, I'm not what I was then."
"Sweetheart, you're exactly what you were, you're just hidin' under all that armor." He looked at Duke, staring at him hard. "Son, I trust this girl with my life. I trust her with my son's life. She's scared and hurting, but I trust you, too. You're the best in Haven, Duke." He looked back at Mara, one hand touching her hair. "It's your place to tell 'im, but if it comes down to your health and safety... if you don't tell, I will."
"No, no Garland. Please. I'll do it. If he doesn't believe, I'm afraid it will kill me. Maybe we'll be neighbors."
Duke cut in. "Guys, I'm right here. I can see you're obviously talking about something the Chief already knows. I'll believe you, Mara."
"I don't know where to start." The storm was rolling back in, thunder was growing louder and drops of rain were starting to spatter them. Garland stood up.
"Start at the beginning. But do it inside. You don't need to get any sicker than y'already are."
He gave Duke a serious look before nodding toward the house and disappearing. Duke put his hand on Mara's back, gently pulling her up and leading her inside to the couch, taking the pot of soup off the fire to cool on the hearth.
"Mara, do you need some medicine to relax you, or for the pain?"
"I think the drugs are responsible for this massive fuck-up to begin with. Yeah, I think maybe I do need some."
Duke chuckled quietly, bringing her a couple of tranquilizers, her antibiotic and her maple water, sitting next to her and picking the book back up. "I'll listen, Mara. I swear."
She nodded, staring at the fire.
"A few years after I first came to Haven, when I was starting to get a little more well-known for healing people, a man showed up in town. Appeared literally out of nowhere, dropped into the water like twenty feet off the end of the pier that we'd just put in. They called me in because they thought he was crazy, said he was speaking gibberish.
"So I got there and this man, he was taller than everyone but the Hendrickson's, and they were only barely the same height. But he was beautiful. I sat and talked to him, and I understood him better than the others because I understood linguistic shifts. He told me that because of a Trouble, he'd somehow been transported from the year 2011 to my time- 1505. He begged me to help him get back, said he missed home and that his friends needed him. I brought him home, here, to stay with me. I was still working on finishing the inside of the house then."
She took a sip of her drink, putting her foot back up on the stool. The bandage was a little bloody again and she wondered if she'd have to sew it closed as well as the cauterization she'd already done.
"I managed to send a message in an orb to his friends in 2011, and they were researching, trying to find a way to help from their end, but they weren't having much luck. I used the Aether on a volunteer- I only ever used volunteers, it was meant to help people- to create a time travel gift, but he was having so much trouble mastering it we were afraid to try it. So while we worked, the man was stuck here.
"It was you, Duke, but from a slightly different timeline. You looked and acted just like you do now, you're the same person. Things just happened a little differently. While we researched and I tried to train the man I'd gifted, you helped me finish this place. Taught me about hiding places, helped build- or let me help you build, I guess- most of the secret panels in here. You offered to sleep on the floor, but I was so screwed up back then, it wasn't like anyone could touch me anyway, so we just shared the same bed. You and William helped the men with the fishing and planting, and people liked you. We started building a town, and I got so used to you calling it 'Haven' that I did it too, and it stuck."
Mara wiped at her eyes, frustrated, wondering how this night had gotten so out of control.
"I kept helping you send orbs to your friends. I remember how confused I was the first time the woman was able to send one back. As far as I knew, I was the only Aether-user besides William on this world. And she looked so much like me. Taller, with shorter, blonde hair and blue eyes, but our faces were the same. Back then, I was shorter, my hair was down to my ass, and my eyes were-" she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, saying the word like it caused her physical pain- "violet. My mother altered my appearance about 100 years into the Barn cycles, when people were getting taller. The changes were just cosmetic though, she couldn't alter my actual genes.
"I had nightmares a lot. Things from before I came here, things that my mother did or had done to me. Almost every night, until you started staying here. Then it was less often, maybe twice a week. One night, about... I guess about six months after you got here, I had a really bad one, more of a night terror, and you held me to keep me from accidentally hurting myself and you begged me to talk to you, said you couldn't help me if I didn't tell you what was wrong. So for the first time ever, I told. I told a human what I was and what had happened to me, how disgusting I was."
She looked down at her hands, then reached out to take the book from Duke, opening to an early page, him holding her in front of the fire while she cried.
"You said I wasn't disgusting. You said I was beautiful and sweet and that the way I helped people was 'inspirational'. You sat there and held me and let me cry all over you. Didn't look disturbed or afraid that I wasn't human. And you kissed me on my lips. You took me back to bed and let me sleep in your arms."
She turned a page and there was a picture of him kissing her, her arms under his, clutching his back. Her face was tilted up, his down. "I drew the pictures from the memories I project from the Aether, that's why they look like this. They're not how I saw them, just how they looked to the Aether around me."
She gave the book back. "We kept on like that for several weeks, sending regular orbs. I never asked why your friend Audrey looked like me and you never told me. I didn't want to know. There was a meteor shower- the Hunter, ironically. We took a picnic and a blanket to the knoll, the place where the doorway that brought us back from the Barn is. When it continued to pass safely- you had been so sure it would hit our town- you turned and kissed me, but this time we didn't stop. We..." Mara frowned at the fire. "I don't usually use this term, it usually irritates me, but we made love. I'd been used so often and so brutally, but you were so gentle and attentive. I'd never been touched like that."
Her breath stuttered and caught, trying to hide a sob as she wiped at her eyes.
"We went back holding hands, and we- you know, every night after that, sleeping together was more than just sleeping side by side."
Duke was silent, stunned and fascinated. He believed her completely, and not just because Garland had told him to. The truth was etched into every line of her face, every tear that dropped from her eyes. How could he have left her, though? What had he been thinking? Had he been that set on getting back to Nathan and Audrey, being the Trouble-killing lapdog? He turned the pages when she motioned, the beauty of them kissing with the Hunter passing overhead, the picture of their faces pressed tightly cheek to cheek while they made love.
Mara's voice was rough and cracked a little. "About four weeks later, I realized what the Aether was trying to tell me. I was pregnant. I considered not telling you, I knew how badly you wanted to get home and I didn't want you to feel guilty. But I never lied to you, I never had. So I told you." She smiled softly, staring at the flames, her eyes centuries away. "You looked... Gods, you were so happy."
She nodded at the book and he turned the page, the picture him on his knees with his ear pressed to her abdomen, her fingers in his hair as she smiled down at him.
"You told me you didn't want to go back home anymore. You were still keeping in touch through the orbs and they could ask for help when they needed to, but their Haven was doing okay and they wanted you to be happy. You told me you wanted to stay and marry me, to raise our family together. William officiated our handfasting." She nodded at the book again, the picture of them under the arbor with the ribbon around their hands, William grinning brightly behind them.
"Our pregnancies are usually about 20-26 weeks, but I went 30 weeks. I delivered here at home, that was normal then. I was the town midwife anyway. You caught the baby yourself. I delivered in the bathtub. We named him Gabriel Nathan Crocker." She gestured to the book again. There were a couple of pictures of her pregnant; one hanging laundry on a line, one just leaning against Duke, his arm around her as they stared up at the stars.
Duke stopped at the pictures of Gabriel. He was beautiful. Curly black hair, violet eyes, cheeks that begged for kisses. There was a picture of him sleeping in Duke's arms, another of Mara nursing him, an angelic smile on her face. One of them lying together, Gabriel laid skin to skin on Duke's chest as Mara cuddled into his side. Duke was struck by how utterly blissful they looked. Peaceful and happy and perfect.
"Mara, I understand that the me was- from a different timeline, but it's still me, right?"
"Yes, Duke. The timelines were almost identical, you were exactly the way you are, why?"
"I want to know if I can have the memories. If I was myself, can I do that? Get the memories back?"
She closed her eyes, nodding. "Yes, but you should know everything first, before you decide that. I killed that bear there when Gabe was six months old. I had him and I was out in the woods. I told Garland, she'd lost a cub and she was miserable, she only attacked me to make it end. I killed her with my dagger and you helped me butcher her and tan the hide, we distributed the meat and made beads and tools from her bones. I have some of your things- you used to wear one of her claws on a leather cord around your neck, several of our friends- the original Guard- did. None of her went to waste.
"Anyway, we were happy. Time passed and our town grew and our son grew. Smartest boy in the world. I schooled him and taught him to use his gifts, you taught him all about languages and- everything, really. You joked a lot about how your lack of ability to settle for one career helped you be a better teacher for him. He was fluent in Russian and Mandarin from you, Latin, Spanish and Sign Language from me. By the time he was four he could speak five languages fluently. He understood taxonomy, herbalism, entomology, etymology... absolutely brilliant, and like you, he sucked up information like a sponge. He thought you hung the moon, you were his hero."
She nodded to the book again and Duke looked at the pictures. The small boy following Duke like a duckling as he worked on boats and everything else he could get his hands on. In half the pictures Gabriel was on his hip or shoulders, in some Mara stood with them, holding the boy to her, even nursing in a few, and one in particular made Duke smile- he and Gabriel standing side by side on the pier, stances identical with their hands on their hips, both staring out at the boats on the water. The picture was drawn from behind them, so there was just a tall man with long black hair tied in a leather strap and a small boy with wild black hair, Duke and Mini Duke overlooking their ocean.
"People loved us. We founded this town. We gave them home and purpose, we helped and healed and made their lives better. You taught them better forms of agriculture and helped make roads. We had horses. There was a paddock about an eighth of a mile to the south where we had the stable and kept the horses. I had a lovely chestnut mare that you chose because she reminded you of my hair and you had this massive black stallion. People would barter with us just for a chance to get the chance to breed their mares to him. You called him Rover, short for Land Rover because you thought it was funny. You named mine Rouge. The next two pictures are us with them."
He turned the pages quickly, smiling. Mara looked beautiful on a horse, and side by side, the two of them- two Crockers, he realized, looked like they could take on the world. Mara had Gabriel strapped to her torso in some kind of sling as she rode. Suddenly he wanted a horse.
"Things were so perfect. Just before his fifth birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. I was going to tell you when you came home for supper. William was out with the fishermen, trying to help increase their catches so they didn't have to work so hard.
"You'd taken Gabriel to barter for some grocery items we needed. Around noon a young boy got here, all red and sweaty from running. They'd just told him to fetch me. I had my dagger and orbs on my sash just like always. When I got there, you were on the ground, white as paper, just holding Gabriel. Whoever she had with her, they'd planned it well. He ran you through with a sword, and when you were down, he slaughtered Gabriel. You were holding him so tight, but you were still alive when I got there. But it had taken too long, and I was trying so hard, but the damage was too severe even for the Aether."
The tears rolled from her eyes and her breath hitched as she fought to continue. "You held my hand and said it had been worth it, that every moment with us, with me, had been worth a lifetime. That you never regretted staying. You told me that you loved me and that making me a Crocker was the best thing you had ever done. I begged you to hold on, I even told you about the baby, hoping it would make you stay. You just smiled and said you knew she'd be perfect. I kissed you, I was crying and begging but you said to be strong, that Gabriel needed you. You died in my arms, and you never let go of Gabriel."
Mara's tears were relentless and she couldn't breathe through her nose, grieving like it had happened yesterday and not centuries before. Duke was frozen, lost for words.
"William got back right after. He loved you like a brother by then. At first he was jealous, but he knew how happy I was and he adored you. Used to make you tell him stories about the future. He helped me take a boat out and we buried you at sea, we wrapped the shroud around you and Gabriel both, he never, ever left your embrace.
"I lost the baby three weeks later. I hadn't been eating, and though miscarriage is very, very rare in my species, the strain was just too much. When my mother came and told me that I needed to go into the Barn, I resisted at first. But like this poor bear, I just wanted it to stop. And she hated me, she hurt me, but she said at least she could make it stop by making me someone else. She didn't tell me the Barn times would be so much longer than the lifetimes. But she said it would save Haven, that if the Hunter came and I refused to go into the Barn Haven would be destroyed, all our work- all your work- would be gone and it would be worse than just not having your name written down, that it would be like you'd never touched the world at all.
"I hid everything. My weapons, the books and journals, our keepsakes. Everything still here in the cottage. And I chose to go to the Barn. I didn't know what would happen to me there, Duke, but to save our town, I probably still would have gone. After you died the nightmares returned with a vengeance, every single night. This house had already been warded and protected, even dust could barely get in. I gave William the horses, told him to do whatever he wanted, just make sure that wherever they went, they would be loved."
She wiped her eyes with her sleeves, taking a drink of her maple water.
"William begged me not to go. He was afraid of what would happen to me. He was right to be. She hurt me a thousand times worse in the Barn than she ever had before I ran away. But when he asked me at that last moment, before I turned and stepped in, why I was doing it, all I could say was, 'Because I love him'."
Mara closed her eyes, face pale and splotchy, eyes red. "I hear that's when they started Founder's Day, but William, in order to preserve the sanctity of the timeline, since you'd always worried about that, had them alter the names."
She took a long, shaky breath.
"Eventually, during the Sarah time, I saw you again, but I had hardly any time with you and Nathan was trying so hard to get to Audrey, I ended up being a casualty. I broke through Lucy because of Garland, spent more than half of that time free- which is part of the reason I tried to run, but Vince made sure I got shoved back in. And I couldn't stay away, so I started going to your dreams, just wanting to see if you were the same man, and you were.
"We've been through this- I followed you, I begged you not to marry Evi- I wanted to be the only Mrs. Crocker. And I still let you touch me every time you would. When you had sex with me, even on the Rouge, I could pretend you still loved me. But nobody wanted to hear my story. Nobody would have believed. So I've been locked up, a prisoner in the only place in the universe I wanted to be, but I wasn't even a ghost, nobody remembered me. Not even dreams crossed timelines, which is unusual. I was nothing but a monster in those stories. William tried to pull me up, tried to make you remember at the same time, but he just scared you all. I hadn't counted on how very much you'd all love Audrey. I don't blame you. She's like I was but not tainted. Not a failure. Audrey always saves the day."
She took her foot off the stool, rubbing her hands on the skirt of her dress. "So, do you want to see the rest of your things?"
Holding the sketchbook to him, Duke nodded, helping her to her feet. She didn't flinch back from his touch, but he felt her tense before she was under control. She led him back to the bed, opening one drawer at a time. The first held a rattle and Gabriel's first booties, a lock of his hair on a velvet pillow and a piece of thick paper with prints of his hands and feet. Mara's elegant script spread beneath them, 'Gabriel Nathan Crocker'.
The next drawer held a bear claw on a leather cord, which she took out reverently, passing it to Duke. "I have the rest of her claws and teeth, in case we needed to make more necklaces. They're in this drawer."
The next drawer held a red silk ribbon with two rings on it- their wedding bands. She'd been especially careful to keep them together and hidden. A childish, superstitious part of her had believed that if she kept the items that tied them together where they'd never be pulled apart, that their souls would always love each other. It was just superstition, though. She still loved him every bit as much as she ever had, but Audrey had his heart now.
Audrey had everyone's hearts. They'd ripped her out of Mara so they could love her without having to deal with all the broken pieces of Mara that had been a devoted wife and mother. They wanted to love her purely, without restriction, and now that she was free of Mara, they could. Maybe once Mara fixed Audrey, Duke and Nathan would find some kind of three-way relationship with her. Mara would remain alone- she couldn't let William take Duke's place, she wasn't that cruel and he deserved to be loved completely- but she would get Delilah somehow and she'd be able to love their daughter.
Moving on to the cedar closet, she opened it and reached into a compartment to show him some of his clothes, things she had made herself. There were more sketch books, stacks of them. She pulled one out to show Duke- she had painstakingly written out sheet music for 'Hallelujah' when he taught it to her, and it had been her favorite song since that time.
"You taught me that song. You sang it to me the night of the meteor shower after we- well, you know. I wrote it down in case I ever forgot it. I wrote a lot of things down, or drew pictures, obviously."
Duke's voice was low and husky. "What's in the hope chest?"
"Our wedding clothes, Gabriel's first layette and blankets. Letters we got thanking us for help. Notes we wrote each other and everything else I could hold on to. The plans and schematics for things you built, Gabe's drawings. His placenta print and our wedding quilt."
Rain fell outside, the sky mourning with her.
"Nothing was the same when I found you again. I thought for awhile right after Lucy that it could be, when you were having the dreams and we were spending so much time together. But you've never felt the same for me again. Only Audrey. I don't know if it's just because of Audrey or because I got all used up in the Barn, that it made me more disgusting than I was. It doesn't really matter why. Just the end result. And here we are."
She was exhausted, too tired to think about it anymore. Her body ached and she was very aware of her temperature rising. Mara turned to go back to the couch but Duke stopped her, his hand on her arm.
"I want the memory back, Mara. You said we could once I knew. Now I know. Give it back to me, Mara."
"I don't want to unduly influence any decisions you make, Duke. I don't know how fair it is to put that on you." She wanted to touch his face, had to repeatedly remind herself that she couldn't touch with impunity. Being here in their old house with him made it easy to fall into old habits.
Duke had no such reservations. He moved forward until he was close, barely pressing his body against hers and wrapped his hand against the side of her face, speaking in earnest.
"It was my life. I deserve to remember it. It's my choice. Fuck, you're telling me I have the opportunity to remember a life, a real life that was happy? Mara, until very recenly, I wasn't even sure what happiness actually was. It's my choice, you said so."
Her gaze was dark and brooding. "It's your choice. But the memories, they hurt. At least for me. You're the same man, so I'd bet they'll hurt you, too. You should be prepared." She wiped her hands on her skirts, and very quietly, she said, "That Duke, he loved me. Please just remember who you are. That you don't feel that way. Don't get confused."
"Mara, please. This is my life. It's not like just showing me is going to force me to change how I live. It's not brainwashing. Let me see what a happy life is like, please."
She had never been in such a position. The only man besides William who had ever loved her in her long, long life, the man she had pined for and dreamed of and wanted more than anything- he wanted the memories of his life with her back. What should be a simple, straightforward request was fraught with meaning and tension for her.
If this man was truly as much like her own beloved Duke, the memories would hurt him, they would burn like acid, but he might love her again- he'd sworn to love her forever. Was that fair, to take this Duke and make him love her when he hadn't loved her on his own? Was that manipulating him?
Yet at the same time, was he choosing to love her by wanting the memories? She had warned him, explained what her Duke had felt, yet he seemed positively enamored with the idea.
The morals of the situation itself made her terribly unsure. The new Mara wasn't used to being distressed over morality. She did what was necessary, when it was necessary.
The situation really came down to one question: When she was with Duke, either here in their own home or anywhere else, which Mara was she? Was she the loving wife, the healer and builder, the woman who people trusted to save their families when they were sick or injured? Or was she angry, spiteful, vindictive Mara who just wanted everyone to hurt as much as she herself did?
"Duke... I'll do whatever you choose, but I want you to understand something. That other Duke, he loved me truly and completely. Getting his memories back may affect the way you yourself feel about me. I'm not saying the feelings are fake, just the opposite. But you've never much liked me, and that love might override that. It will change the way you look at me. I want you to understand that before you make that decision."
He stared down at her, brow furrowed as it only did when he was utterly serious about something.
"Mara, I'm absolutely certain. I understand what I'm asking."
She looked terribly young and sad for a moment. "No you don't. Not yet. But when you do, at least you won't be alone."
She turned back to the hidden drawers, opening the one with their wedding bands and the ribbon that had bound them in matrimony. She pulled it out reverently, closing her eyes and kissing the pair of rings lovingly, finally pulling Duke's off the ribbon and laying her ring and the ribbon tenderly back down in the drawer.
She took a deep breath as she turned back to Duke, reaching for Duke's hand. "I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but the memories are tied into the rings. It doesn't mean you're my husband again. I'm just giving your memories back to you."
"Mara, please. I'm begging over here. Just do it, please."
She gazed at his hand and held her breath as she slid the ring into place on his finger, unable to stop herself from closing her eyes and kissing the ring once it was in place. Of course it fit perfectly.
Thunder cracked directly overhead, but the lightning that blinded her came from inside the building. Duke's eyes shone a brilliant silver as the Aether woke in him, returning every moment of that other life to his memory, each experience that he'd loved or flailed or struggled through inundating him.
With a gasp and a cry, Duke fell to his knees, his arms wrapping around Mara's hips, his face pressed against her stomach. His shoulders shook as he cried and Mara was a creature of habit, her arm wrapping around him, one hand in his hair. She took the leather cord with the bear claw on it, sliding it over Duke's head to rest just above his whistle. Tears trailed down her own cheeks, and she wanted to join him there on the floor, wanted to wrap herself around him.
But she didn't know what he was thinking. He was just holding her, crying.
"Duke, please talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking." Yes, she was begging, but she was out of her element, terrified and unsure.
He gasped for air, tightening his grip on her waist. "I remember. Oh Mara, I'm so sorry. I left you, Violet. I'm so sorry. I promised I'd never leave you. 500 years in the Barn because of me. How can you forgive me?"
She could only whisper. "No, Duke. It wasn't your fault, none of it. You should never have been in danger to begin with. They hurt you because of me, Duke. You stayed here because of me. How can you possibly not blame me for what happened?"
Duke stood in a smooth motion, sweeping Mara off her feet and carrying her to the fireplace where he laid on the bearskin rug with her, pulling her tight into his arms. "There is so, so fucking much I would do differently, but right now, you're here with me, and I can't think beyond that. We're home."
His lips landed on hers, gentle but insistent, and she kissed him back. "Duke, Duke I'm the same person I was when I woke up yesterday. I'm no better. I frighten you all, everyone's been trying to get rid of me. I'm no different."
His breath was ragged against her face as he stared at her. "No, you're no different, and I'm grateful. But I finally understand, I know you, I know why you act certain ways. I'm so sorry, so sorry I forgot. How could I forget? The only time I've ever fit in, where I want to be. It was never you who needed to change, Mara. Fuck, we never even asked you anything! Why didn't we just ask?"
His lips were on hers again, strong and loving and he tasted the same, vanilla beans and bourbon. He'd tasted the same the first time he'd ever kissed her and he tasted the same yesterday. This was her Duke, the same man, the only difference was that he hadn't been sent back. Circumstances had put them together in a different way, but looking in his eyes she wondered- if it had happened again, would this Duke make the same decisions her Duke had?
He would. She knew he would. It's who he was. He'd chosen to give her a chance, to love her back then. He was giving her the same chance now in the only way he possibly could, by taking back the memories of their life together.
She let the tears flow, wrapping her arms around his neck as she kissed him like she was starving and he was sustenance, like he was oxygen. Trying to make up for every missed kiss.
Her hands had a mind of their own and she was pulling off his shirt, her fingers running over his skin and into his hair. Even as she was undressing him though, Mara spoke quietly against his lips.
"Duke, please don't do this unless you're absolutely sure, unless you know who and what I am and you're touching me for the right reasons. I can't handle the hurt if you look disgusted again." She hated letting that fear out, hanging between them. She hated letting him know how to hurt her, letting that soft spot be out and open, such a perfect target for anyone who wanted to strike.
He stared down into her eyes, purposefully bringing his lips to hers, untying the bodice of her dress. "Mara, I'm sorry I hurt you, but I know who you are, I want you, even with my memories gone I felt the need to be close to you, but right now I want you, I need you. Not the games, Mara. Just you, just my Violet. Please, baby."
It had been so long since anyone had called her that, so long since her eyes had been their real color, the red of the Aether in her system that tinted the blue of her eyes, and she let the Aether flow, the deep violet of her true eyes shining with tears. "It was never about the games, Duke. I was just angry and depressed. Everyone hated me and it was eating at me. William, the only person who could speak for me, I couldn't help him and he couldn't fix the Harker Trouble without me, and that got screwed up and you had to kill Ben and everyone thought I was evil.
"Here I was, with you, but you loved the girl I'd always feared from the old orbs and you- you hated me. You said my name like Momma did. Like I was poison. I wasn't trying to keep Audrey hostage, I just wanted my body and I didn't know how to give her her own, not alone. Nobody would listen."
Duke shook her just a little, trying to get her to focus. "But I'm listening, Mara. I'm here and I remember and you look as lonely as I feel. Please, if you're going to bring me back, bring me home."
Mara groaned and then her mouth was on his, as needy and demanding as he was, fingers twisting up into his hair and pulling him closer, kissing desperately.
It was like the time on the Rouge never happened, like she hadn't been touched in decades, in centuries. Every contact seemed new and exotic, the feel against her body as the soft cotton loosened around her as the bodice fell open, leaving her bare. The chill of the air against her skin. She sat up to let her dress fall from her shoulders, wiggling out of it when it puddled at her hips and Duke stared, transfixed where he kicked off his jeans.
She was watching for any sense of hesitation or obligation, any sign that this was not what he honestly wanted, but the Aether danced happily around them, a barely audible song echoing through the room.
It was the Music of the Void, just on a smaller scale, with only a few dozen orbs singing instead of a Void filled with the tiny essences. It was joyful, celebrating, and Aether would never take joy in what would hurt her. Her shoulders finally relaxed and she wrapped her arms and legs around Duke, holding him against her. His skin was so much colder than hers because of the fever, she got goosebumps everywhere. But his strong arms were wrapped around her, one spread across her back, the other splayed over her ass, and he was kissing Mara like she was a gift, like he treasured her.
His hands moved over her slowly, and she was reminded of their long distant past, the slow dance of his fingers on her flesh. She'd been subject to all manner of abuse, but Duke had been the first to touch her with her permission, and he treated that seriously, like an honor or a privilege. He never looked at her like she was damaged, not even now, having seen and heard so much of her history.
Mara had a sudden, dreadful fear that she was having a fever-dream, her mind mixing up the warm dreams of what she wanted and the cold reality of what had happened. She wasn't even completely sure where they were, if she had actually made it to the cottage or not. She was lying on the rug in front of the fire, and she reached down to pinch herself hard on the hip.
Duke moved immediately, pulling her hands away from her body, holding them gently next to her head. "Violet, no. Why are you trying to hurt yourself?"
She was panting, and even now, restrained, she reached to kiss his neck. "Afraid I'm dreaming. I was warned. Warned if I hallucinated it would be you and we'd be naked."
He chuckled quietly, finally nipping her throat with his teeth. Mara gasped, jerking,
"You believe me now?"
Instead of speaking, she kissed him, bringing one leg up around his hip and he pressed his lips to her throat, groaning. Their bodies shifted and now there were no hands restraining her. He was braced on his elbows, one hand in her hair and the other stroking down her arm. Her other leg came up around him and his lips and tongue were against hers when he pushed into her. She wrapped her arms around him, winding the fingers of one hand in his hair.
His hips rocked against her, pushing deep before he pulled back, slow and gentle. Duke was drawing this out, remembering what she felt like beneath him and she held him harder, her nails digging into his back and his ass as she panted against his neck between kisses.
His body remembered hers, and he moved to angle his thrust, making her cry out. In the flickering light of the fire, she clutched at him, her hushed moans turning louder and he responded, pushing deeper, his deep voice mingling with hers.
Duke was with her.
This was no competition for dominance, this was a meeting of equals, and though he might have looked a little smug when her body went rigid and she shouted his name, it wan't from spite. He just loved watching her come undone.
It felt like hours had passed when Mara decided she needed him to come, she needed to see him out of control, too. Clenching hard around him, she pushed her hips up to meet him, biting his shoulder. His blood on her lips, she pulled his face to hers. Her violet eyes swirled with his own silver and she said, simply, "Please, Duke. I love you."
His breath caught and his muscles strained, the growling in his chest turning to a roar as his body jerked against hers, moving instinctually. Braced on is elbow, he touched her face and kissed her as he came, and he didn't pull away when she hugged him close, pressing kisses to his face. He slid from her body when he started to soften, and he gathered her against him, looking more at peace than she had ever seen him, even in the before-time, when there had been no Barn, just a man who got caught out of time and found a life that suited him better than the one he'd had before.
Duke's ring gleamed in the firelight, and the ghost of the chains that Mara had melted finally fell from her body, the great weight that had been dragging her down disappearing.
Because he loved her.