Chapter 18

"I need to talk to you."

Three sets of surprised eyes stare at me as I slam open the door and bark out my order without any further explanation.

"Rachel." I hold the door open and nod my head towards it, but she stays put, fear in her eyes.

"What's the matter?" Quinn asks, but I really don't want to deal with her.

"I just need to talk to Rachel."

As Rachel takes a step forward, Quinn reaches out and pushes her back. "You're angry and I want to know why," she says.

"None of your business."

Rachel takes another step forward and again Quinn pushes her back.

"Oh, it is my business," she growls. "You told me that yourself. If you need to say something, say it. I'm not leaving you two alone with that foul mood you're in."

I'm about to counter that when Brittany says: "We're in this together. We should trust each other, Santana. I don't think you need to keep secrets about what you've got to say."

She looks at me, but this time I refuse to look back.

"Secrets?" I yell. "Secrets? I'll tell you who's got a secret!"

"Would you please calm down?" Brittany says, her eyes pleading. "You're scaring me." And as much as I want to listen, I can't. I'm sick of being lied to. I'm sick of being betrayed.

"I just ran into you at school," I snap at Rachel, who's still trapped behind Quinn's arm.

"Oh," she says in a tiny voice.

"Oh? That's all you've got to say to me?" I can't believe her.

She's staring at her feet when she says: "I meant to tell you, but I didn't know how."

"What the fuck, Rachel? I let you live with me!"

"I know," she interrupts me. "And I'm so grateful for that."

Quinn takes Rachel's hand and squeezes it tight and I start to wonder why she's not even curious what I'm talking about. "Tell her," she says and my jaw drops.

"You knew?"

But Quinn just looks at Rachel and Rachel starts: "It's true. I lied to you. And I'm sorry I did that. I just… My dads aren't dead and I guess I'm not either, but at the same time I kind of am." She gulps. The next couple of words seem to lie heavy on her tongue and she pauses a few seconds before she continues: "I cut my wrists. I passed out. I woke up in my own home, no stitches, no scars, no one else there. The phone rang and I picked it up. It was a doctor informing me that "my sister" Rachel had survived her suicide attempt and was going to be released from the hospital soon. I panicked and I ran. I slept under a bridge until those guys you saved me from picked me up. I wasn't shot. They were, but at that point I was already dead."

Gantz made a mistake.

"So you weren't called right after your death, because technically you didn't die. But when the Jackets were summoned, you were back on the radar and got transported to the apartment with the others." I'm just thinking out loud, but Rachel mistakes it for a response.

"Yes," she says.

"We suspect that this other Rachel you met is in fact the real Rachel," Quinn explains. "She must've been dead long enough for Gantz to copy her conscience into the database, but not long enough to finish the transmission. So when the other Rachel's heart started beating again, Gantz aborted the process and she didn't disappear like everyone else. Instead we now have two Rachels." She shrugs and adds: "Well, at least that's our best guess right now."

Rachel gulps and her voice is shaking a little when she says: "I meant to tell you, but…"

"But what?" I snap.

"But you don't make it easy to tell you things," Quinn interrupts. "We've been fighting together for months and even though I know that you consider me a friend, you've never once told me anything about you. And you've never asked me anything about myself. Everything you know about me I've offered myself. You didn't even know that I created that website. I did that for us, Santana. For us! Not just for me. So we could leave together. But you're so far up your own ass that you don't even notice when other people care about you."

That's not true. I was just respecting her boundaries. I was just protecting both of us from getting hurt! I clench my jaw and my fists.

"You have these weird ideas about privacy and respect. Not showing any interest in other people is not respect. And not letting anyone know anything about you has nothing to do with protecting your friends."

That's enough. I care about them and this is what I get? I'm being lied to? I'm being told that I'm not a good friend?

"Fine." There are tears pressuring against my eyes and I swallow hard. Brittany makes a step towards me, but I shake my head. "I've been more than generous. I let you live here. I've shared my stuff. And now I'm the asshole?"

"No one said that!" But it's really hard to hear Rachel through the mess in my head. Right now everything sounds like an accusation.

"Did you know, too?" I'm looking at Brittany, because right now she's my last hope. She'd never let me down, right?

She slowly nods and says: "I asked Rachel about what happened to her the first day I got here. I assumed you knew."

I feel my head spin and actually have to hold on to the desk for a second. I should have known better. I should have listened to Nishi's lesson. I never should have revived Quinn. I never should have let Rachel in.

"Out."

I'm not sure whom I'm talking to. I'm not even sure whether I've said it out loud until Quinn speaks up: "You can't be serious."

They all look at me with shocked wide eyes and suddenly my suit feels way too tight and the air's so hot it's hard to breathe. The room seems to shrink and I feel trapped.

"Santana, are you ok?"

But I'm not ok. Not at all.

Without another word I storm out. I just need to breathe. I just need fresh air. I just need to calm the fuck down.

"Santana!"

But I don't want to hear it.

The moment the door closes behind me I start to run. I don't know where I'm going, but right now it doesn't matter. I run and my suit activates itself and I accelerate. I run through streets and jump over walls and through bushes. I run and the wind bites at my face, making me tear up. Cool water cleans my eyes and runs down my cheeks as I keep running. I run and leave all my thoughts behind, shaking them off one step at a time.

When I finally stop the sun's already setting. I must have been running around in circles, because the street I'm on is actually not very far from school. I'm out of breath, but at least my mind's quieted down.

I replay in my head what the others told me and the knot in my stomach just won't disappear. I'm not mad at Rachel. I knew she lied and I still let her in. I'm not mad at Quinn and Brittany for not telling me about her lie. But I am mad. I'm really fucking mad.

You're so far up your own ass.

It's not true!

Not showing any interest in other people is not respect.

How was I supposed to know you wanted me to ask about you?

I see the fear in Rachel's eyes, the anger in Quinn's face and the guilt in Brittany's and it's just too much.

Once upon time I had no one I cared about. Things were simple. I knew who I was and I knew what I wanted. I could define myself through the points I earned and I always knew exactly what I was worth. I never had to worry about anyone or anything. I was happy.

Except even that's a lie.

I don't even want to erase everything that's happened. I don't want to go back to the time before I met Rachel. I don't want to have to miss Quinn and I don't want to live without Brittany. But I also can't just go back home now and apologize. I'm still mad. I'm so fucking mad. I can't just go back. Can I?

A coughing noise from the bushes interrupts my thoughts. Oh shit. I hope whoever's hiding there didn't see me run here.

I hear a second cough and Finn fucking Hudson comes tumbling out of the bushes.

Great. Just who I needed to see.

He wipes his nose on his sleeve and sits down on the sidewalk. It's not hard to tell that all he's been doing since he left Gantz' apartment is lurk around in the bushes and hide from people. I roll my eyes, because even though I knew he was stupid, I didn't think he was stupid enough to stay in Lima.

"God, can you please be more pathetic?"

His head jerks up and when he sees me his face darkens. "What do you want?"

Good question.

"Maybe I'm just bathing in the sweet irony of the situation." I respond with a smirk. "Here sits Finn Hudson. He used to be someone. He used to push others around. And now no one even seems to remember he existed. Tell me Finn, what's it like not to have a name anymore?"

What is a name, really? What if no one cares about who you used to be? Does it still matter that you've lived?

As I take a few steps in his direction I can't help but feel a little satisfaction at how miserable he appears. Isn't this the same guy who commanded his minions to throw Brittany into a dumpster? It doesn't seem like there's a lot of that person left now.

"Yea, make fun of me all you want. You don't know what it's like. And who said I ever had a name in the first place?"

What's that supposed to mean?

He continues:

"You know, everyone expects me to be someone all the time. I go to school and I'm supposed to be the quarterback, the golden-boy, the leader. I'm the one everyone relies on. I'm the one who's always supposed to have an answer for everything. And then there are tests and when I come home there's homework to do and grass to cut and my mom needs me, too. You don't know what it's like to grow up without a father."

Please. What do you know about me?

"You don't know what it's like when you always have to be someone important, someone other people can look up to. You don't know what it's like when you have to be awesome all the time, even though you feel like you're nothing inside. Where can I go and be safe? Who could I turn to? Where can I go and not have anybody on my back? My life was never mine. I never really had a choice."

"So you opted out."

He nods and clenches his jaw and swallows hard.

"I know I was mean to Brittany, but I just did what was expected of me. You know what school's like. You know what the other kids are like. I would've lost face. So it seemed like I'd found the answer when I discovered Gantz. I thought that… that… I would have a purpose. And I thought that if it didn't work out then I wouldn't really have lost anything. But now I'm alone, because the others didn't come. I'm alone."

And then he actually cries. He cries and doesn't stop. Finn and I, we're not so different after all. Finn and Quinn are not so different. Finn is one of us.

But even so, he's not my friend. Death hasn't taught him anything and I know that if he got the chance to go back, he'd continue his old ways. He's just told me exactly that by making up excuses for his behavior. And what he said about Brittany was not an apology.

Far from it.

"Go home," I finally say.

"I can't," he replies.

"Just go home," I repeat. "You have to make a choice."

Something seems to click inside of him and he swallows his tears and nods tersely. "Thanks," he says and I'm not sure if I know what he's thanking me for. I'm not even sure what I just told him to do.

I watch him leave and for a split second I wonder if I'll see him again.