Chapter 19
It's just a door handle. It's my door handle to my own fucking apartment.
Except right now it seems like so much more. I'm afraid to touch it, because of all the possible consequences. I feel like if I reached out to press it down it would burn my hand and the flames would grow and swallow me entirely.
My feet are as heavy as stone and I can feel my heart beating up into my throat.
It's just a fucking door. It's my fucking door.
Just open it.
But each time I try to lift my hand, Quinn's words repeat themselves in my head:
You're so far up your own ass.
And it makes me so angry that I'm unable to move. She's the first person I've ever really cared about since dad died. She was my first friend. Or so I thought.
Because apparently everything I thought made us friends was a lie and the whole time she wanted me to be someone else entirely.
Does Rachel think the same about me?
What about Brittany?
That last thought makes my stomach churn. How can I trust anyone again when I can't even trust my own instincts? I've always relied on my ability to read people, and now it turns out that I don't know anything about anyone; not about Quinn; not about Rachel; not about Brittany; not about Gantz; not even about myself.
I'm right back where I started two years ago.
I'm just that pathetic little fuck again, with a messed up head and no one to turn to. I don't know anything about anything and I'm stuck. I can't go back and I can't move on and although a part of me knows that it's just the familiarity of the situation that makes me think all that, I'm unable to stop. I should know better than falling back into this dark place full of anger and pain, but the feeling is just too strong.
Not showing any interest in other people is not respect..
It's overwhelming. It hurts too much to just let go.
It makes me rage.
And it scares the shit out of me.
It makes my head swim.
It makes my ears ring and the sound is so loud that I almost don't notice that I'm being transported.
When I arrive in Gantz' apartment the others are already there. This has to be the worst possible moment for a mission ever.
With us are an Asian couple and a white boy with extremely thick eyebrows. They all seem to be about my age and they all seem to be scared as hell.
Finn isn't here and for some reason I'm not surprised.
"Where have you been all day?" Quinn asks. "We've been worried."
Oh yea?
Rachel approaches me. "I'm so sorry," she starts, but I really don't want to hear it, so I wave her off.
"Now's not the time. We need to focus." I know she's sorry. And I don't even understand why I can't tell her that.
She looks up to me with sad and worried eyes, but instead of saying anything she just nods and steps back. She respects me. She respects me enough to overcome her urge to talk to me. Quinn respects me enough to never ask anything about me, even though she wants to.
Brittany respects me enough to keep her distance, even though she's made it terribly clear that she wants to be close to me.
And suddenly it hits me that this kind of respect is not what I want from my friends. It's supposed to make me feel important, but instead it doesn't make me feel anything but regret.
Feeling superior has always helped me survive. But right now it just makes me lonely.
They've all gone out of their way just to please me. All three of them managed to overcome themselves for me.
Maybe it's time I return the favor.
So I step forward and address the group:
"Welcome to Gantz."
A look around confirms that I have everybody's attention, so I continue:
"I'm Santana. Cause of death: I hung myself two years ago."
Quinn's lips form a small smile, but it quickly vanishes before she speaks up:
"Quinn. Cause of death: Suicide. I OD'd."
"Rachel. Cause of death: I slit my wrists."
"Brittany. Cause of death: Car crash."
It feels like a fresh start.
"We'll soon be sent into battle," I explain. "Don't ask why. I don't know. Just put on the suits you'll find in that orb when it opens and grab a weapon. I can't promise that everyone will survive, but we've got a chance. We can fight together and we can try to come back as…"
I swallow heavily. The next couple of words won't come easy. I nod at Brittany.
"As a team."
I look at Rachel.
"As friends."
And Quinn.
"As a family."
Quinn wipes at her eyes and nods back at me. She got the message.
"We can't defeat Gantz, but we can try to escape together. We can beat this game and get out. We can survive. But in order to do that, I need you to listen to me. Out there, fighting, we can't afford to play the lone wolf. We need to stick together. We need to have each other's backs. So… who are you?"
The Asian guy hesitantly speaks up first:
"My name's Mike. This is my girlfriend, Tina." Tina adds: "We died in a plane crash."
Eyebrows concludes the introductions: "I'm Blaine. I was beaten to death."
All eyes turn to Gantz as the familiar song starts:
A new morning has come. A morning full of hope.
"Please…kill this guy?" Blaine reads out loud. "That looks like a regular harpy-eagle. Are we supposed to kill a bird? Is that why we're here?"
"Afraid so," Brittany says. "Sorry. This is all information we're going to get for this mission. It may just look like a regular eagle, but you can't underestimate the fiend."
The ball snaps open and everyone does as I instructed them earlier. When Tina has a little trouble with her suit Brittany helps her. "It's pretty tight," she says gently. "But it'll protect you."
Mike and Blaine stare at the arsenal with wide eyes. "What are these?" Blaine asks and Quinn answers: "Pick a weapon and Santana and I will teach you how to use it. You're beginners so you should probably choose something light. Here." She hands Blaine an X-gun, explains what the triggers do and tells him about the 5-second delay.
When Mike reaches for the katana I hold him back. "Nope. Besides the fact that it's pretty stereotypical of you to choose the katana out of all weapons it's also not a very smart choice. You're new. You should pick something you can use from a distance… like the sniper rifle."
He nods and obliges. It's a kind of trust I haven't experienced before. These people are listening to me and it's not because they're afraid of me.
"Thanks," Mike says when I show him how to use his gun.
Brittany takes the katana and a couple of grenades in a small bag. "It's better if we have a variety of weapons with us. We never know what our fiend will be capable of and what other threats we'll have to face. And by the way,"
She flips a switch on the hilt of her weapon and the blade extends itself until it stretches across the entire room.
"This one here helped me to gather a hundred points once. I'm sure it can do that again."
"My hands are tingling," Tina says and the transports begin.
I materialize on the roof of a high-rise. Tina, Mike, Quinn and Blaine are already there; Brittany and Rachel follow right after. Except for a single door leading inside the building, there's only asphalt covered rooftop here. The building we're standing on is one in a large group so I figure we're in some big city. Unfortunately I don't recognize the skyline from where I'm standing. We could be anywhere.
As I take in our surroundings I'm more than a little worried. There are no obstacles to block our fiend's view and nothing to take shelter behind. And seeing as our enemy has wings and it's a cloudy day, this arena is the worst-case scenario. I try to come up with a strategy, but all I can do for now is shout:
"Watch the sky! And no heroic moves! We gotta stay together."
Mike's actually already in position: He's crouching against the roof's exit, effectively protecting his back and he's got his eyes aimed heavenwards.
A little squeak makes me turn my head.
It's a dark blue little fledgling that has just landed not far from us. I lift my finger to my mouth as a sign for everyone to keep quiet and take a step back. The bird hopping across the roof is definitely not the enemy we're supposed to kill. It's way too small, way too harmless.
Quinn and Rachel switch to invisibility and I motion towards the others to do the same, pointing at the device on my neck. The fledgling squeaks again and shakes its body, fluffing up its feathers. It looks just like a regular bird.
Blaine apparently agrees: "It's just a bird. What's everyone waiting for?" And he attempts to approach the fledgling, but I grab his arm just in time. "Stay back," I hiss through clenched teeth. He looks at me and furrows his eyebrows. "I got this," he says and I can't believe how stupid he is.
Just as he tries to escape my grip a second fledgling lands on the roof.
And a third.
And a fourth.
I take another few steps back until I'm standing right beside Mike, pressed against the wall. He stares at me and there's fear in his eyes. I nod at him reassuringly and click the device on his neck for him before my own.
There're now about a dozen birds on the roof, all squeaking and aimlessly hopping around and their number continues growing. Even Blaine seems slightly unnerved and walks backwards away from the flock, but for some reason refuses to switch to camouflage. This kid is going to get all of us killed if he keeps this up. And I can't even do anything about it, because every noise might draw attention to us and harpies have extraordinary hearing. So I hold still and hope Eyebrows comes to his senses before it's too late.
I let my gaze wander across the sky and search for any hint of our fiend, but thick clouds are blocking my view and I can't make out anything suspicious.
"Oh, screw this."
Before I can react Blaine has fired his gun at one of the fledglings and I barely manage to keep from yelling at him. Thankfully, no one else makes a sound, either.
Five seconds later Blaine is covered in blood and feathers are flying into all directions. The whole flock of birds starts to scream in confusion and suddenly Mr. Hero is swarmed by feathery chaos. All I'm able to see of him now is a pair of flailing arms and I have no clue how to help him.
If I attack, I risk exposing myself and the rest of the group, and we still haven't even seen the true enemy. And I can't possibly communicate a strategy with the others as long as everyone's invisible.
And why the hell doesn't Blaine switch to camouflage already?
Suddenly there's an earth shattering scream that echoes from between the buildings around us. It's a scream that makes my blood freeze, a scream that makes the ground shake and the hairs on my neck stand on end. It's the scream of an angry mother.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a giant arises from behind the edge of our roof top. In the blink of an eye it dives down, wings cutting through the air and creating a gust that makes me stumble backwards and fall. Its massive talons reach out and grab Blaine. He screams and loses his grip on his weapon as the creature carries him off.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Rachel becoming visible again. She stands there for a few seconds, hands clenched in fists, eyes closed and whispering something to herself that I'm unable to hear. I suddenly realize what she's about to do.
"Oh, hell no!" I grab her arm just as she's about to sprint and click my own device as well. "That didn't work last time and it won't work now. You're not risking your life for someone who was just asking for trouble."
She looks at me, more surprised than anything else. "B…but..." she stutters. "We can't just let him die. We need to do something!"
Oh, fuck strategy.
I draw my weapon and try to take aim, but the harpy-eagle is too fast and my display is too small and the sound of dozens of screaming fledglings is distracting me.
I fire once.
And miss.
Twice.
I miss again.
I get down on one knee, take a deep breath to calm down and get a better aim when I hear a shot being fired right next to me.
It's Mike.
For a moment the fiend seems to tumble, but it just performs a loop and keeps drawing large circles above our heads with a screaming Blaine trapped in its claws.
Again I try to take aim and again I fail. Mike shoots again as well, but the beast is too damn fast and Mike's not exactly an experienced gunner.
Something falls onto to the roof next to us and I turn just in time to see the flock of fledglings swarm over it. It's only when I see one of them hop aside with a finger in its beak that I realize that 'something' was Blaine's arm.
I can still hear him screaming. He's alive, but we're running out of time. My chest tightens a little as I realize my only option is to save him myself. So I sprint to the edge of the roof and I take off. It's my only chance to reach Blaine in time.
And I jump higher than I've ever jumped before; higher than I thought I could. As I fly closer to the fiend, I reach out my hand to grab hold.
But it's not enough, and my eyes grow wide as I reach the peak of my jump, and my fingers only grasp emptiness. Blaine's bleeding heavily. "Help me!" he screams as I start to fall back.
Out of pure reflex I draw my gun, take aim and shoot. Five seconds pass and when I land on the building adjacent to the one we'd been transported to, rolling over my shoulder to absorb the impact, it's the harpy that screams instead of Blaine.
I cover my ears with my hands, because it's such a high pitched noise that I'm afraid my eardrums might burst. When I look up our enemy's really tumbling this time and there's a wound gaping on her shoulder. When I start to run to jump once more the beast screams again, performs another loop and rips Blaine in half.
A lifeless torso and legs are tossed to the rooftop and again the flock of fledglings rushes to its meal.
It's gross and sad, but in the end Blaine had it coming. I warned everyone explicitly not to pull any heroic moves and he just refused to listen. In fact, he made me go solo, too.
I jump back to the roof to rejoin the group. Tina is staring wide-eyed at what's left of Blaine, and Mike pulls her into him as Brittany lays a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. Quinn catches my eye and shakes her head slightly while Rachel just stares at the ground.
We all know what Mike and Tina are going through, but we also know we don't have time for it. Now we know our fiend. It's time to attack as a group.
"We've got to lure it down," I say. Mike and Tina nod hesitantly. "So let's get us some attention." I fire a single shot at one of the fledglings. One by one everyone becomes visible again and they follow my lead.
Only a moment later the harpy shoots down and I see Brittany barely dodge the attack. She ducks and turns, extending her blade to its full size as she pivots, swinging it through the air. She misses by less than an inch.
Mike attempts a head shot, which only gets him unwanted attention. Our fiend leaps towards him, its beak wide open and only Quinn briefly distracting the harpy by shooting another birdie saves Mike's life.
It's a mess; it's pure chaos. We have nowhere to hide and at least two of us probably won't be able to land a single hit.
"We have to weaken it somehow," Brittany yells as she blocks another hit with her katana.
"The wings!" I yell back. "If it can't fly we might have a chance."
Tina is the first to shoot. Her aim is better than I expected, but the harpy keeps jumping around, taking off into the sky just to shoot back down at us. Even I find it extremely hard to catch it on my display at all and every time I do it's gone too quickly for me to lock it. I growl in frustration. If only there was a way to...
"Quinn!" Suddenly an idea pops up in my head and it might not be the smartest of moves, but right now it seems the only chance we've got. "I'm going to lead it that way!" I shout over to her while pointing at a row of adjacent buildings. She catches on quickly. It's one of her abilities I appreciate the most.
I lift three fingers in the air and count down. I can only hope this works out the way I planned it. Nodding at Quinn and Brittany I sprint forward, grab one of the fledglings and leap over to the next building. The bird in my arms is screaming and fighting and it's actually a lot stronger than I thought. I need both my arms to keep it still. The screaming, though, is exactly what I was hoping for.
Just as I land, I hear our enemy shriek again and I know my plan's working. I can't afford to wait for the attack so I run across the rooftop and when I jump again I hear stones burst right behind me and several shots being fired. But I don't dare to look back.
With the bird in my arms shrieking and flailing wildly I'm a lot slower than usual. I hit the ground and when my feet slide across the loose gravel, for a moment I think I'm losing my balance. That moment is enough for the little beast to fight one leg loose and scratch my arm. I stumble and fall, but don't let go.
The wound stings, but it's not too bad so as quickly as I can I get back on my feet and start to run just as I hear flapping right behind me. The wind it creates catches me off-guard, though, and forces me to my knees again.
Fuck.
Just as I think I'm done for I hear the monster scream again and blood splatters the ground next to me. It buys me enough time to scramble to my feet and jump back to the group. As I hit the rooftop with a dull thud, the wound on my arm starts to itch and bleed, which is weird.
"You're hurt!" Brittany shouts, but I wave her off. "It's nothing." I break the fledgling's neck and kick it off the roof. When I realize I'm not being followed I turn around to see the harpy tumble across the building I just left. There's a gaping hole in one of its wings and it's obviously hesitant to follow me.
"Good job, guys," I start. "If we all jump over we could…could…" Suddenly it's hard to focus. Also my tongue feels really heavy. "Santana?" I hear Rachel call. My vision turns blurry and suddenly I'm staring at the sky. I think I'm lying on the ground.
"Oh, shit, no!"
I hear the harpy's scream way too close and feel myself being dragged away from the noise. "Poison! It's poison! It's infected." I feel a slap on my face and when I open my eyes, Brittany's looking down at me.
"Hey, Britt," I slur. It's kinda hard to control my voice and to be honest, that damn wound hurts like fuck now.
"You're bleeding, but you're gonna be ok," she says and her voice sounds so soothing that it feels like she's singing me to sleep.
Another slap hits my face and I open my eyes again. Why's she hitting me?
"You can't fall asleep!"
But my eyes are so heavy and my arm hurts. "It's ok. I'm just going to rest my eyes." Just for a bit.
The yelling in the background is getting louder. Everything's too loud and why the fuck is my arm hurting so bad? "It hurts," I hear myself whimper. It's getting worse every second and the pain has spread to my shoulder and neck. It's getting harder to breathe. "I just want to rest a bit."
I'm being violently shaken awake and again it's Brittany looking directly at me. Her eyes are so beautiful I almost forget to breathe.
"She stopped breathing! No no no no no no!"
But I'm ok. I just need a little rest.
I open my eyes one more time. Brittany's smiling at me now. She places her hand on my cheek and her eyes seem glassy. But maybe that's just because everything's a little blurry right now. It's hard to focus with the pain creeping from my arm through my whole body. It's overwhelming. It's so overwhelming that I can't even talk anymore; I can't move; I can't even cry; I can't do anything but lie there and hope I'll wake up soon. This is the weirdest nightmare ever.
"Look," Brittany wipes at her face. "I need to go help the others now. You're going to be ok, understand?" Of course I'll be ok. What's she talking about? "I'll be back. Just promise me you won't fall asleep… Santana?"
I'm right here.
"Promise me that you won't fall asleep."
But I'm unable to move so I just look at her and hope she gets the answer she's been searching for.
"I'll be back."
Before she gets up she cups my cheek and I don't understand what's happening until her lips are pressed against mine.
Or maybe that's just part of the dream, too. But in that case it's definitely not a nightmare.
I want to close my eyes, but I think I promised that I wouldn't do that. So I lie there and I watch the sky. The clouds are dark grey now.
Maybe it's going to rain soon.
That would be nice.
I wish I could cough.
The yelling subsides and then everything's black.
The first thing I see when I open my eyes is that damn black orb in front of me and I realize:
I'm alive.
And then I remember that I almost died.
The next thing I know I'm being squeezed between three bodies in a group hug. Quinn kisses my hair, Brittany kisses my check and Rachel basically tries not to be suffocated as she's trapped between me and Quinn.
"Don't do that again," Quinn sobs.
"Payback," I respond with a grin and she punches my shoulder. "Not funny," she whines, but I can see she's smiling.
In the background I see Mike and Tina hugging each other. They made it.
Tina looks over to me and mouths, "Thank you." The world they'll have to face from now on is cruel, but at least they've got each other. And when you've got a team you can trust, anything is possible.
Quinn turns to Rachel and pulls her into a kiss. "You were amazing," she says and Rachel beams and blushes.
There're tears pressuring against my eyes and before I know it my cheeks are wet. Brittany hugs me again. "You scared me." But before I can say I'm sorry she adds: "But you were also pretty badass."
I chuckle and I lift my hands to wipe at my eyes, and when my vision clears it's like I'm seeing for the first time ever.