When Bobby saw the dim light shining in his study, he sighed, knowing what, or rather, who, he'd find inside.
Sure enough, Kate sat in a chair, knees against her chest, feet tucked underneath. A bottle of Scotch lounged nearby, a glass half full of the amber liquid cradled in her hands.
Christ - half full? And wait...the bottle was mostly empty, too.
Balls.
He watched her bring the glass to her lips, taking a healthy swallow. Bobby didn't miss the way her hands shook.
Clearing his throat, Bobby carefully walked toward her. "Hey, Missy…"
She didn't give much of a sign that she heard him. Instead, she downed the rest of her glass, barely glancing over her shoulder as he approached.
"Mind if I join you?" It was after two in the morning, and while Bobby knew she barely slept anymore, he was a bit surprised to find her pouring booze down her throat.
She gestured grandly. "Help yourself."
Like a good Winchester, she didn't even sound like she had a shit ton of whiskey in her.
After pouring himself a glass, Bobby settled behind his desk, watching her over the rim as he sipped. She looked terrible - still underweight, haggard, haunted, sick. He mulled over what to say when she surprised him with an opening.
"She's dead, now."
Unexpected, but still an opening. He set down his glass and leaned back. "Who's dead?"
Kate's eyes stayed on her glass, avoiding Bobby. "Me. My other me. One of my me's."
Good thing that got cleared up.
"In one of your...jumps?"
She nodded, finally raising her eyes to his. They filled with tears, and the look of devastation on her face made him want to cry. "It's been over a year. She has to be dead. She just...has to and I don't think I could've stopped it, because when I got there she was already kissing him, but maybe...maybe if I realized sooner what was going on, I coulda stopped the deal."
Frowning, Bobby tried to piece this together. Getting information out of Kate these days was hard enough. Getting it out of a drunk, distraught Kate was a real challenge.
"So...one of your...you's...made a deal with a Crossroads Demon? And you landed there right at the finish line?"
She nodded again, saluting him with her glass. "You're so smart, Bobby. That's one of the things I missed about you. You always know, you always...fucking know…" She moved to take a sip, her head retreating, forehead furrowing, when she realized her glass was empty. Bobby poured her another, which she dove into immediately.
Jesus, he should've cut her off.
Bobby knew better than to defend Kate to Kate. Right now, that wasn't gonna work or matter. So he chose to dig for details instead. "What was the deal?"
She drained the glass, licking her lips. "Traded my soul for Mary."
What the…
"You...she...what?"
"Yup." She put her glass on his desk and ran a trembling hand across her mouth. "Was twelve...figured...figured Mary could fix things, you know? 'Cuz I...couldn't."
She tucked her hands into her sleeves, staring off in space, while Bobby mulled this over. He remembered when she was twelve. Her family was a fucking train wreck. John drank all the time, and when he wasn't drinking, he hunted non-stop, dragging the kids all over the country.
Bobby shook himself. The only thing he could think of, was, "It wasn't you, though, Kate. It may have been a Kate Winchester, but it wasn't you."
He felt pretty good about that simple truth, so he took a large sip from his glass.
"I know, Bobby. I got turned down, here."
He spit out his drink. "What?!"
She laughed, bitter mixed with a little bit of hysteria. "I know. Couldn't...couldn't even make a deal. She made one without a problem. I got the reject button." She reached for the bottle, but Bobby swiped it, putting it behind him on a shelf.
"What the fuck are you talkin' about?" He must have misheard her, or misunderstood. She couldn't have tried to make a deal. There was no way…
She shot him this look, and he knew.
She did.
"You tried to make a deal with a demon...for real?" Bobby tried to wrap his brain around this bombshell, but it was really fucking hard.
The first tears fell, wetting her cheeks. She wiped them away, but more followed, making the whole wiping process ineffectual. In a battered whisper, she said, "I never told you. I never told you, and I'm so sorry, because I should've...I should've thought of you. And I didn't. I didn't. I was so focused on them, and not you, and it should've been about you, too, and I'm so sorry, Bobby, I'm sorry, please, please don't be mad…" She lost it then, sobbing uncontrollably, wringing her hands and repeating her apology over and over again.
It took Bobby a few seconds to catch up. His kid was sobbing her eyes out and all he could think, was What the Goddamn Fuck Did She Do?
He gave her a minute to calm down.
He gave himself a minute to calm down.
He was gonna need more than a minute.
When the crying slowed, and she seemed capable of talking, Bobby decided to get some answers. "You need to explain what the hell you're talking about, and make sure you don't leave anything out." He thought he sounded tough, but his hands shook as he wiped the spit whiskey off a book on Celtic lore.
Kate wiped her face and rested her head on her knees. Bobby was ready to demand more answers when she sighed, stood, and went to the window. This time, he followed her, crossing his arms and standing next to her.
"Both realities were pretty identical, at least from what I saw. I landed there right as the demon kissed her...me...to lock in the deal." She spoke softly, coherently, wistfully. Again, no sign of the alcohol she'd consumed. That would be a problem at some point. "Over here, I got turned down. Demon said it wasn't my time to make a deal like that, even though he wanted to. Badly. The idea of taking a Winchester was apparently really appealing."
Bobby pressed his lips together.
"Anyway, I just cried my way back to the shithole apartment, feeling like a big failure, and went back to our crappy life. Over there...I had one year to live, and Mary was showing up on our doorstep at any moment. I knew...I knew what they were doing at home, because it was so similar, and that I had to be the one to break the news to Dad." She huffed. "It was gonna be really hard to explain how his dead wife was suddenly back."
Bobby ran a hand over his face, pulling at his chin, wanting to leave, but needing to hear this out. "Missy...I just…"
She turned to him, anguish and regret on her face. "I know. Looking back, I'm like...holy shit - what the fuck was I thinking? But that's...that's after ten years of living. Back then? I know exactly what I was thinking. I was twelve. I was watching my family disintegrate. I needed it fixed, and that was the only way I could think of to fix it. I...took you for granted, and didn't even stop, and…" She sighed. "You didn't need fixing, Bobby, so you weren't on my radar." He raised an eyebrow. "At least, you didn't project it, okay? I know it's not fair, but...that's what it was."
He sighed, fiddling with his cap, trying to be more understanding than pissed to high hell, because he was understanding. But he was also pissed.
Her shoulders slumped, and she wearily rubbed her eyes. "I need another drink," she mumbled.
Bobby let out a snort. "I think you've had enough."
She snorted right back. "Dean Winchester's coping mechanism is good enough for him, and it's good enough for me."
It took him a second, but Bobby figured she wasn't talking about his Dean.
She sighed. "Look - I should've told you sooner, but there was no deal, so I wasn't in a hurry to get in trouble for trying."
Bobby sighed back at her. "That's not the point, Kate. I just...I don't really know what to say to this. You growing up thinkin' that you needed to be replaced is so…"
Kate shoved her hands in her hair. "Doesn't matter. Funny part, is that now...I'm glad the deal wasn't made. I'm glad I'm still here." Bobby put a hand on her shoulder. "But I also know...I wasn't supposed to be here at all; that just existing screwed with prophecies."
Bobby froze as she faced him, a tortured look on her face. "Sometimes, Bobby," she whispered, "Sometimes I wish I stayed dead. That maybe that would've put things back on track." She shrugged. "I know it wouldn't, but those Trials really fucked with my head. Some nights, I just think...Mary'd be a better option than dealing with my shit. Even for you."
She smiled this rueful little smile that shattered his heart, before abruptly turning and walking upstairs.