A/N.: Thanks to my Beta ParisAmy and of course foe all the nice reviews!
6. Pride – where there's no dignity, pride isn't to be mentioned
K.
"No." I say and try to sound determined. I see the hurt in his face and I wish for nothing else than being able to take him into my arms. I can't. I can't take him into my arms, because it took me too long to actually find him, but I can't let him go, because it took me too long to see him again. I regret for having let it slide. It should've been my first and only concern to talk to him and sort out what has happened. I should have gone searching for him in an instant. It feels like a lie being here now. I'm lying to him and to myself. I thought I could just ask and he'd follow me. He won't do so. Why would he? I've hurt him – we have.
R.
"Kirsten, I appreciate you being here and showing your concern, but we should be honest to ourselves: this won't work and I'm no fan of being a charity project." I let her know. I don't want her to waste any more energy in this. I won't come with her – not as long as I'm lucid enough to make my decisions. This would lead to wrong signs. Signs standing for something I'm not willing to give now: forgiveness.
K.
"Ryan, you're no charity project. I only think, you might need some help and…I want to be the one who helps you in this. After…all what you've done for us…I have to do this." I try to express my gratefulness, hoping he might fall for this. I'm despaired. Ryan had shut down from the very second I entered this apartment, and as much I can understand him, I'm still hurt by his behaviour. If I had only expressed only earlier what he means to me, things would be so much easier between us.
R.
"You've done enough for me. You gave me a lot in this one year…so I think we're even." I don't want to be the instrument for relieving the bad conscience. I'm just fed up with being an instrument. I don't want to be an instrument anymore. I won't let her manipulate me for any of this.
K.
"Is it because of what happened between you and Sandy?" I ask him directly. Maybe he'll tell me what has happened between the two of them. Okay, I'm talking to Ryan. He'd never talk bad about Sandy. He's too loyal. That's why he ran instead of waiting and ratting on him.
R.
"There's nothing between Sandy and me. It was a rough time for all of us and we have all been on the edge with our nerves." I try to make her leaving this topic. This is the last thing I want to get reminded of. I tried to make a clear cut and now? She's back and ripping open all those scars. Great.
K.
I give up on this topic. It's useless digging any deeper. He won't tell me what has happened and I doubt that I can get him home without that knowledge.
"Isn't there anything that can persuade you from coming with me?" I ask him. I'm not ready for giving up on him now. I must find a solution. I have one, but I'm not sure whether this solution could persuade him. It would rather thread him to some kind of action, but it would for sure be effective.
R.
"I left, because I had to. If I'd gotten the feeling to come back, I would have come back." I answer her. I feel bad talking like that to her. I never thought I'd do so one day, but I have no other choice. I want to get rid of her, before I do something I'll regret later. Also I can't understand why she isn't leaving. I asked her to, making clear that I won't agree to any of her suggestions.
K.
His voice his cold and steely and doesn't match to the boy my husband had brought home one day. He reminds me of myself: the ice queen. I never thought it was possible witnessing him being that cold. He won't dazzle me with his ice cold façade. He's still the same. He took his brother with him to keep him away from more trouble. I don't see hatred, but disappointment. I feel as if I betrayed him for so long. I promised him a peaceful life, but I hadn't been able to keep this promise.
"Okay, I'll leave you alone, but I haven't given up on you yet, and I'm used to get what I want." I tell him. I won't make it easy for him. I'll get him home and I'll sort everything out and I'll find out what had happened.
R.
"We're not in Newport." I answer. I don't fall for her declaration of war. If she used to get what she wants, she'll learn how it feels is she won't get it. I'm not one of her toys.
K.
"But I'm also not the weak alcoholic anymore." I counter. He won't get me down. I can't allow him to win this battle, because he doesn't know what we're fighting about. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's hurt and that's obvious, but this is making him blind: unable to see what this is about, unable to see that he's in the need of this help, unable to see that he already gave up the fight against the disease.
R.
I can't reply to that. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She wants to take the straying puppy to the vet to relieve her conscience by doing a good deed, but I won't be that puppy. Not this time. She has enough reason for having a bad conscience, because Seth will never forget what she has done to him, and he won't forget how his own father hid instead of facing the battle.
K.
"Okay, I'll leave you then. Maybe you'll think about what I've said. You'd do a big favour to Seth if you did." I tell him and then I leave. I hope that 'Seth' had helped to move something. On the other hand I'm not sure whether there is anything that can cause any kind of movement in the inner part of this ice block. This time the question is: how cruel can I be to get what I want? I don't know and I'm afraid of myself, while I'm thinking about measures that could persuade Ryan. I shouldn't be too surprised by that. I'm my father's daughter. Of course I have a lot of cruel ideas. The only question is whether I'm also able to implement them.
R.
I'm waiting in front of the counter for my coffee. Actually I'm not allowed to drink too much coffee, but Kirsten's visit had shaken me somehow. I couldn't fall asleep, therefore my first lecture this morning was hell and I decided that I needed a coffee otherwise I won't make it through the other lectures of the day. I take the cup the waitress hands me and then step out into the coldness of Boston. I can't imagine that Seth would like it here. It's way too cold. I head to the lecture theatre.
"Ryan Atwood." A deep male voice behind me calls. I had thought I would never hear this voice again. I turn back to face the devil of Newport. This man hasn't changed at all.
C.
When he turns towards me I'm faced with ice cold eyes. I've never seen this expression in his eyes before, not even towards me. Indeed he has changed, that's obvious. That he's sick is obvious too. After my daughter reported from her meeting with him, I didn't want to believe that she was talking about him. The described behaviour hadn't matched the boy who came to my office one day and gave up everything to safe my daughter. Of course there's still one mystery to be solved: what happened between this boy and Sanford that he didn't even try to keep him from what he did?
R.
"Mr. Nichol what do you want?" I ask this man. If I've learned one thing in Newport then it was that it was never good when this man appeared on your threshold.
C.
"I'd like to talk." I answer him. He's suspicious about my visit and I can't take him amiss. We have a rocky road lying behind us. Indeed I never really thought that I would one day stay in front of him, asking him whether he'd liked to talk to me.
R.
"Yeah, but sorry, my lecture starts in about ten minutes." I answer and then turn around again. I'm not in the mood for a verbal fight with this man. I have more important things to concentrate on.
C.
"And afterwards?" I ask him. I can't give up now. It had taken too long for my daughter to ask me for help. I have to show her that she can rely on me.
R.
"Listen Mr. Nichol, I have no idea what you want and I don't want to know it. We're even. You got what you wanted, so please do me the favour and stop bothering me." I answer and then walk off. I don't have the nerves to talk to this guy.
C.
I'm flustered. I didn't expect the boy changing like that. He is ice cold, no question whether something was wrong with his…still-foster-family, or whether someone needed his help. He didn't show the slightest concern for anyone. He got rid of me as if I was nobody. Well, why should I be someone for him? I never gave him the chance that what he did had changed my opinion about him. I didn't think I needed to let him know, as I was sure I'd never see him again. I have to come up with a plan: a plan my daughter wouldn't kill me for. Money? This boy can't be bribed. I should try to play on a field I've never played on before. I have to play on a field the boy is powerless against. On each other field he'll win over me.
R.
Statistics. I'm tired and I'm definitely in the need for another coffee. Not good, but otherwise I won't survive this day. I really need to come up with a new plan. I doubt I can make it through this semester like that. Well I'm certain I can make it through this semester, but I'll definitely need a plan for the next one. Maybe I should think about part time studies…
"I don't think that coffee is good for you." Why is this man still here? Doesn't he have to be somewhere? I just pretend as if he wasn't there: ignoring him as he ignored me for so long.
"Ryan, wait." He tries to make me stop and grabs my arm, at least carefully enough that I don't have to worry about a bruise. This fact makes me wonder what this man knows about me and what Kirsten might have told him.
"It's more milk than anything else." I answer the man. I don't know why I'm telling him anyways, added to that I can't be like this man: insulting and hurtful no matter the costs. He doesn't do me any harm, besides insulting me, but this probably is the problem with so called workaholics, they don't notice what's happening in the world around them.
C.
"Okay Ryan, you know I'm not a man of sentimental talk, but fact is you mean a lot to my daughter and my grandson. You've saved her and the whole family, while Sanford… somehow had no clue. You stand to your word…after all what you've done for this family, so see it as our turn to help you." Maybe he falls for this. I'm sure my daughter used to persuade him like that. She used to be very careful with him. I'll shoot me if he doesn't. I don't like to perform a soul striptease in front of this still teen.
"First of all: I didn't expect a reward. Second of all: they gave me one and a half year, so see it as my reward to you." He answers plainly and passes me. It is evident that he doesn't want to conduct this conversation.
"Alright, what do you want?" I ask him. I wasn't prepared for meeting a wall of thick ice.
"Just to be left alone. I told Kirsten that I had my reasons for leaving." He states coldly and leaves the coffee shop. I feel like a total idiot. I didn't honestly think he'd fall for what I said, did I? A boy like he is needs to be treated with rougher measures. I once again got blinded by some kind of impression someone tried to persuade me of. I still won't give up. I have one ace upon my sleeve.
R.
I enter the empty apartment. I decided to leave after statistics. I'm just too tired for more lectures, and anyway, I should stay home. I'd be better, if I did. It's just so fucking boring and not being able to do anything useful is the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I haven't seen my brother since last night. I switch on the lights and see a familiar form sitting on the couch. In an instant anger starts boiling in the pit of my stomach.
"You committed trespass, do you know that?" This man starts to be annoying – not that he has ever been different. And anyway: what's all this about? I can't seem to get it. First they pretend to love you, then they insult you, afterwards they ignore you and now they want you back. I really don't get the point of the hassle.
C.
"Well, might be, but I don't think that this will be of importance after I talked to you." I'm fed up with being the nice old man. It's obvious that this doesn't work with the boy. He needs a rougher hand that guides him back onto the right track.
R.
I look at the older man in front of me. I don't like this cruel expression in his face. It tells me that he's capable of doing everything. As I lived with the Cohen's he nearly did everything to get rid of me. I grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and take a long sip. I'm content that after this man came up with what he has on his mind, I'll be glad when I'm still standing.
"Okay, my daughter wants to talk to you, apologize for what has happened and stuff and she wants to help you: the reason is obvious. Now she tried to convince you to come back and listen to her, and she failed. I tried it twice this time, and I think you know that I don't like to not get what I want on my first demand. I have to admit, you're a tough nut to crack, but I'm over the edge with my patience. So, I'll give you two options: either you come with us voluntarily and as a free man; or I'll have to call my lawyers and let the court declare you as temporally incapacitated, because right now you're a danger for yourself, and my daughter and her husband never gave up their guardianship for you." My jaw drops and I have to sit down. He hadn't said he'd let the court incapacitate me, right? This… It strikes me like lightning that suddenly I probably have no other options left if I want to remain being a human being in full capacity of his will.
C.
"You know, with this in your record you can forget your career." I'm aware of me being evil and if my daughter was in the same room with us, she would have sheltered the boy under her protecting hand, but I think this is the only language he understands right now.
R.
"Still the cruel businessman." I state as if he didn't shock me. Nevertheless he doesn't leave me a lot of space for thinking.
"At least you can remember me. So, as this is clear by now, I want you to have packed your bags and be waiting for us at seven tomorrow morning and…" Stop! I haven't said anything. I just can't leave like that. I have too many things that need to be done, too many duties I can't leave alone, too much to take care of. He can't just decide to take me back, as if I was a five years old kid.
"I can't. My studies won't finish themselves and I'm not going…"
C.
"To risk the scholarship, I know. But don't worry. I've already taken care of that. As I've said: tomorrow morning seven o'clock and be a little nicer towards my daughter. She can't bear you being like that." I answer him and then leave him alone. I think this time I've made my point clear and I doubt he'll risk being incapacitated. His pride won't allow him that.