A/N.: Thanks to my wonderful Beta ParisAmy and for all those nice reviews. I apologise for updating unfrequently. I am really sorry !

15 Familiarity – is your anchor in times of a storm

K.

I'm sitting in one of the chairs in our bedroom and skim through a box of old photos. I'm not in a melancholic mood, but something caught my attention. I just don't know what it was. I spot an old photo from Sandy. He's still a little boy. He has had the same curly hair as Seth has now. I don't know where he left it. And his eyes. Huge and blue. They've changed their colour by the time. I haven't realised before. I sigh. There are so many things I haven't realised before. I've never realised how much Sandy and Ryan have actually in common. Both overly ambitious, both know how to talk – although Ryan doesn't talk a lot, what he says owns a lot of force, both always try to make the right things, both opt others over them, both would do and give everything for this family. The picture from our first Chrismukkah falls into my hands. Both of them have the same smile plastered on their faces. Ryan has the same dimples when he's smiling like Sandy and Seth. Probably everybody has those.

"A little bit melancholic this morning?" My husband asks me when he comes back from his surfing trip and finds me with our photo box on my knees.

"No, just…I dunno. How was surfing?" I ask him and give him a kiss. His lips taste salty from the sea and the air, and his hair is all wet.

"Was good." He answers

"Do you have any news about the whereabouts of Ryan's father?"

"Not yet. Though the PI has tracked down Dawn. I'll talk to her when she's decent and maybe I can get something out of her." He answers while he's disappearing in the bathroom.

"What do you mean with 'when she's decent'?" I ask him confused. I mean 'decent' really is not the right word to describe Dawn in any life situation.

"Well, she has had some problems: bad boy friend, drugs and alcohol. She's in rehab now and I hope I can visit her next week and talk to her about Ryan." He answers me. I hear the shower float.

"When do you think it's a good time for me to visit Ryan?" He asks. He asks me nearly every day since I told him that Ryan is back.

"Let me see how he is today. Maybe I can bring up the topic today. He has settled down a bit. Has his routine with his college life and…"

"College life?" He cuts me off and his head peeks from behind a half opened door. His face shows concern and astonishment at once.

"He can't stand to be sick at home. He wants to live as normal as possible as long as possible and we try to give him that. I know from my Mom that she had suffered under the situation of not being able to do anything and this state will come soon enough for Ryan." I tell him. This thought pierces my heart. The thought of Ryan…maybe not …I can't even think about that.

"And where does he go? I didn't know that you can start in the middle of the semester." He replies, while he starts his shaving ritual.

"Dad pulled some strings for him at Berkeley. It's good for him. He's made some friends, and he and Seth can spend some more time together. I think it does him good. It'll help him to cope and gives him something to fight for." I let him know.

"Your father? I thought he hated the boy."

"After what happened between the both of them…he has a high opinion of him. He changed his mind." I don't want to tell him that Ryan went to my father to make him help me. The idea that my father might not have come from his own efforts to this conclusion could destroy the whole good mood which prevails between my husband and my Dad.

"At least he doesn't give up." My husband says and then steps out of the bathroom to get dressed.

"I won't allow him to. Don't worry. I'll talk to him. And maybe…Seth can persuade him. They are very close to each other." I try to sooth his impatience.

S.

"So how was your day?" I ask Ryan. Honestly? The way he looks like, it's a miracle how my Mom allows him to leave the house. But I've witnessed his outburst, have seen his face – well that's usually blank – but I've seen his eyes and it had been clear that he was more than depressed about the fact that he couldn't go on with his studies. I've never met someone before who was so enthusiastic about them.

"Rough." He answers and takes a sip from his tea. He hates to be on a coffee withdrawal and he doesn't stop complaining about it, but I have to make sure that he isn't inflicting any damage to himself. I know that he's prone for that.

"You…look a little tired, I have to admit." I answer him. I think the situation is way too serious as if I could lie about anything. I only can hope that they can help him, because that Ryan isn't healthy is obvious – with each day more.

"Honestly? I am." He doesn't even try to hide, which is even more evidence for my concerns being right.

"Ryan, I don't want to go all parent on you, but please do me the favour and don't overdo it. This is not worth it risking…you know what." I can't say it out loud. It would make it too damn real.

"What's killing me is not me, but those fucking cells and the treatment."

"That bad?"

"I feel worse than I felt without it." I don't get it how something which is supposed to make him better, is actually making him worse. I don't understand the reasoning behind it.

"But…I…you're not giving up or something, are you?" I ask him. I'm afraid he might do so. I've never met him that unguarded as he is now. He's never been that honest towards me about how he really feels, physical and emotional. Our relationship has grown. We're mature and our relationship is too.

"Not yet." He sighs. I know that sometimes this seems for him to be the easiest solution and it's hard to convince him that it's not the better one though. It's like we're fighting his fight too.

"Do you have any more lectures or do you go home?"

"I'm finished for today."

"Great, that means: you and me and the Play Station. I'm sure you're out of shape." It's going to be like in old days. Well, old days haven't been good: like in pre-old days.

R.

"Yeah, would be cool but there's only one problem: I don't have a Play Station, not to mention any games." And I only feel like sleeping, but I can't tell him that. He would fly into worry. I follow him to his car. He had volunteered to be my driver, since Kirsten only 'allowed' the whole College-thing when I assure her that I'm not overstraining myself. Why do I permit her to behave like that? She's not my mother and…she still cares and I can't hold the grudge. She had made a mistake, but she also has gotten help and admitted the mistake. That's more my own Mom had ever done for me.

When I left Newport I had nowhere to go, thus I decided to go back to Chino – back to my mother. She had moved into another area, but she still lived in Chino. I reached the house. It was as shabby and rotten as the previous one, but it was better than sleeping on the streets and it was comfortable though it lacked of nearly everything. I knocked on the door. She opened. She looked like a mess. She has had dark rings under her eyes and she had lost weight. Her hair stood into all directions and her make-up was smeared all over her face. She only wore a long t-shirt and the marks in the pit of her arm told me she was hooked up on drugs again.

"Ryan? What do you want?" She sounded confused and pissed and everything else than happy to see me.

"I'm back Mom." I told her.

"Why? What happened to those rich people?" She smirked.

"It…things didn't work out and I…"

"Your face, what happened with it?" She asked. I still remember the feeling when my heart sunk into the bottom of my pants.

"Did he do this to you? Your lawyer?" She asked and I was afraid to say or do anything, thus I just stood still.

"Did they realise what you are? That you're nothing more than a burden and a mistake? And now you crawl back to your mommy? You can't always choose a new family when the old one doesn't suit you anymore." She hissed. I didn't know why she'd been so angry and what I had done to her to make her treat me like that. She'd never treated me different, but in that moment it hurt awfully. I couldn't remember that it had ever hurt so badly before. But I was in a shitty situation. I was alone and I was in the desperate need for someone – just someone. I wasn't seeking support or anything. I just wanted to be around someone. It's a strange feeling, but when you're living in a home full of people and yet feel lonely, you'll reach a spot where you just need someone.

"But you dumped me there, like a pet you don't wanna take care of anymore." I snapped back at her. If I had had a choice then, I'd never chosen to stay with the Cohen's. This is the truth and not only some kind of feeling which developed when things got worse. Hell, I didn't know them. They were complete strangers. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was sure they would dump me in the next foster home or something. I couldn't trust them and that for months, because I didn't know them and I didn't know how to trust. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and that is tiring on the long run. That's why I gave up and started trusting them. It had been a huge mistake, I know it now.

"Yeah, now it's all my fault. I don't wanna see you anymore. Not here, not now, never. I'm done with you." She said and then closed the door. I stood there, facing the cold door and processed in my head what just had happened. That moment I realised that there was nobody who wanted me around and that I was entirely alone. This is the worse feeling I know and it wasn't the first time I felt like that. I was thinking about of how often I could bear this feeling – better how long, because I didn't count on any rescue then.

I walked around Chino, to find a place where I could stay overnight. There are no hotels or motels in Chino. You can hope for an empty and ruined building or a deserted street. That's all you can get.

"Ry?" Someone called behind me. I knew the voice too well to be scared. I turned around and I felt relief to see a familiar face that I could be sure didn't want to kick my ass.

"Arturo? What are you doing here?" I asked him. When I left he was still living with his family, what is at the other end of Chino.

"I should ask the same." He said and then pulled me into a hug.

"I didn't count on seeing you here any time soon." He said and then looked at me. "What happened to your face?" I turned away. The second time this question was asked, the second time that my heart felt like it was splintered into thousand of small sharp shards which stroked into my chest, making it painful to take a breath and keeping the tears uncried.

"Don't tell me…shit man. They're not better than anyone else, what? Need a place to crash?" He asked me.

"Yeah." I said.

"Okay, I know where your brother lives. I'm sure as hell that he'll be glad to see you." He said, put and arm around my shoulder and then we walked together along the street, talking about the old days. The good thing is: in Chino nobody forces you to talk, if you don't want to. If you don't want to talk then you have nothing to say, easy and simple.

We reached an apartment house. We had to climb up the stairs to the upper floor. Arturo knocked at a door. Nothing happened. Now Arturo slammed at the door.

"Trey you fucking bitch, I know you're there so open the god damn fucking door!" He yelled. I heard a shuffled noise and then the door opened.

"Shit man, I'm…Ryan?" I couldn't say anything. I just stood there and did nothing.

"He needs a place to crash." Arturo said and entered the flat, squeezing passed Trey. I remained outside. I felt insecure. I hadn't heard from him since…ages as it felt.

"Come on in Ry, I'm glad to see you." He said and then made space for me to enter the flat. It was small, chaotic and…well it was Trey's. I've never been there, but still it had something familiar and that had been what I needed. The Cohen's household seemed to be a stranger's home to me the last few months. I just needed something familiar. We sat together for quite a while and just talked about the time we spend together. Well, Arturo and Trey were talking and I just listened.

"You don't want me to ask what happened to your face, do you?" He asked me when Arturo was gone and he tried to prepare a place to crash for me. I could have taken the floor, but Trey didn't want to hear any of that.

"They're not better than we are, Ryan. They only have some more money. I'm sure you can make it on your own. I think it'll be better for you. I can't offer you a lot, but I can offer you my support." He said. That's how I ended up with Trey again. He still was indulged in crimes, but I didn't care. We lived together to save the rent. I went to school, I had a job and I worked my hands to the bones and got a scholarship. When I decided to take it, I knew that I would take Trey with me. He had messed up quite badly around Chino and it wasn't a safe place for him to stay. So we both went off.

"Earth to Ryan, are you still with me?" Seth voice drags me out of my memories.

"Yeah…sorry, I just spaced out." I apologize.

"Well, here we have the full range of entertainment." Seth presents me the contents of his car's trunk: PlayStation together with a whole lot of games.

"That's great." I say. This time I lie. I had been looking forward to a hot shower and my bed. I couldn't tell Seth that.

S.

"Hey Ryan, you're late…Seth? What are you doing here?" Mom asks me when we enter the house.

"Well, Ryan and I decided to spend some time together, like we used to…before the whole trouble started."

"Okay, but first you'll eat."

"I'm not hungry." Ryan says.

"Doesn't count." My Mom says and then forces us to the table where we sit down and eat. Fact: there had been times in which Ryan ate two or even three servings and now he even fought with a half one.

"How was your day?" Mom asks us, while we're eating.

"Interesting, but lots of work though." I answer and then look to Ryan.

"Same here." He answers.

"Ryan, how many lectures do you have tomorrow?" Mom asks.

"Uh…one in the morning."

"That's good, because you have treatment."

"Yes, I know…shit."

"What?" I ask him.

"I have a presentation the day after and I don't know…"

"We'll see then." Mom cuts him off.

"Okay man, let's go and start our fight." I say and we both get up. I had to change the atmosphere.

"Seth, can I talk to you for a second?" Mom asks me. "You can go Ryan; it's just something I have to tell Seth." She says. Ryan shrugs his shoulders and then disappears. I feel like being caught eavesdropping.

"Don't wear him out. He's already awfully tired." Mom says.

"How do you know?" I ask her astonished. I've been together with him the whole afternoon already and he didn't seem too tired to me. Well, I can see that he is, but not that bad or?

"I can see it."