A/N.: Thanks to my Beta 6footer and thanks for reading =)

25. Strength – is some kind of energy, but not of mere physical nature

K.

The flight back to Newport was uneventful. Nevertheless it's obvious that it cost Ryan a lot of his strength. For two days he'd only left the bed for a visit to the bathroom. He didn't read or play video games with Seth. Her simply slept and I started to worry that he finally had lost all his strength. The more relief do I experience when I catch him in the kitchen, joining my son having breakfast.

"Hey, so good to see you on your feet. How are you feeling?" I ask him when he enters the kitchen. It feels so familiar with him and Seth sitting there at the kitchen counter.

"Uh…tired, but this is no news, right?" He answers.

"Don't worry; the PlayStation and I will keep you on your toes." My son says with a grin and I doubt no word of this sentence.

"Are you hungry? Shall I make you something for breakfast?" I ask him hopes up high that the glimpse of energy was not just the result of my vivid imagination.

"Uh…plain toast…can't keep anymore down." I blank out the last part of his answer and only concentrate on the fact that he voluntarily decided to eat something. He must feel better. He barely ate the last two days and now he starts with breakfast. I have to brace myself from jumping in the air. It's too soon. This might only be a last wave of strength which rushes through him this morning. I ignore the nagging question: how long if anything? And place a plate with two slices of toast on the counter next to where Seth is sitting. It nearly feels like in those old days in which our family had been sound. It's only an illusion. It'll never be that way again. I doubt that our family can be sound again with or without Ryan. He doesn't seem to be able to forgive this time and as unfair I think this is, after all the times he forgave his mother, I can't take it amiss.

"Dude, hurry up with your breakfast. I don't know how you're feeling about it, but I have a strange twitching in my thumb. I tell you: it's withdrawal. I don't have enough time for the real important things in life, since Uni started. But I have a day off. Enough time for PlayStation non-stop." Seth says. He hadn't changed a bit about his PlayStation. He's still as thrilled as he had been when it first emerged in our household.

"Don't you have a girl to take care of?" Ryan asks him curiously.

"Yes, she's the other reason why I don't have enough time for the real things in life, but fortunately she's having a Spa-weekend with her friend, leaving me free in my choices of how to spend the weekend." He answers. It's no secret that Summer has sided with her friend Marissa after Ryan had left. I'm not judging her, because she's my son's girlfriend and I can't wish for anyone better for him. On the other hand I have to think about Ryan's well-being as well and thus I'm not sad about her not sticking around too often anymore since Ryan came back to Newport.

"You know I'm out of training." Ryan replies and takes a sip from the orange juice I'd placed in front of him a few seconds ago.

"Well, after this marathon you won't be anymore." Seth answers with a grin. I admire him for his capability of acting as if everything was absolutely normal, although obviously it wasn't. I envy him for it. He always had been so innocent and never let negative things influence his feelings he carried about others.

"Ryan, don't forget about your treatment over this." I hate to be the bad cop, having to destroy the good mood, which is a way too rare companion for Ryan lately. I can't act any different. I'm not going to be a mother for him, but I also can't switch off the need to protect him. I have to find a balance between accepting the space he needs and satisfying my maternal feelings. It's horrible and every time when I feel the urge to take him into my arms to tell him that everything is going to be okay, I have to stop knowing he won't want me doing that. I have to wait for him to open up to me. He has to give me the 'go' before I can act like that.

"Right, then let me consider the whole breakfast as a waste of resources." Ryan states sarcastically. He tries not to let it get to him, but it's inevitable that it does. He's in a serious condition everybody would be frightened of. The more I know about him and his past, its effect on him and his behaviour, the less I understand his inability to let himself fall into the embrace of the family.

"Ryan, don't talk like that. You know how important it is for you to eat at least something." I let him know.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He says, gets up from the stool and disappears back to the room he's currently staying in.

"What was that?" My son asks me. I shrug my shoulders. I cannot read Ryan. His behaviour doesn't make any sense to me. At times he seems to be at ease and okay with us, and one second later he behaves like we were his biggest enemy.

"I go and ask him." My son says and disappears as well. I'm glad having him as mediator between us and Ryan. At least the relationship between the two of them seems to be okay.

S.

I go after Ryan. I don't even get what had been that annoying about what my Mom said to him.

"Hey Ryan, what was that?" I ask him when I enter the room he sleeps in now. It's strange. Nobody can consider it as Ryan's room. It's just the room he's staying in. It was a miracle if this would make him feel at home and as part of our family. Well, he had made clear that this family ship has sailed, but he could at least give it a try.

"Nothing. I'm just in no mood for any more 'you have to keep hoping and thinking positive lectures'. Face it Seth: there's nothing positive about this. Despite the fact that I'm puking my guts out every second day, everybody is acting that stiffly around me that I'm worried your folks might suffer from cramps. It's…just not as easy…it's pretty much the opposite…it's complicated." He lets me know. This is the Ryan I have to get used to. How long have I been begging him for talking such openly to me? The desire of knowing what's up his mind had been so burdensome, because I never knew how to behave in front of him. Now he lets me in on every single thought and even reveals some emotions, and even that doesn't help me to figure out how to behave appropriatly.

"And instead of putting all cards on the table you behave like an annoyed little kid and run away. Don't you think my Mom could understand you?" I ask him and sit down next to him on the bed.

"It's not as easy Seth. Your…Mom she's really trying and I can't keep telling her that she's failing, though."

"It's never going to be the same and we all understood that, but you have to help us understand the situation and handle it in a way that's comfortable for you."

"This is not only about me Seth."

"Right now it is. Look: we all admitted that we've failed you and we all try to make up for it, but instead we seem to make everything worse. You have to tell us how we can make you feel better about all this."

"There's nothing you, or your Mom or Dad could do. No matter what they do, it'll still be me the one who's sick and has to get these treatments, and it'll still be me the one waiting for a suitable match, and it'll still be me the one who has to put up with the consequences if they don't find someone."

S.

I decided to try a second attempt at my Dad's. My feelings are still not sorted out, but I have to put myself aside right now. This is about Ryan's life. I can't risk it, because of some sentimentality. I knock on the door. My father opens it again.

"You again?" He doesn't sound too happy about seeing me here.

"What do I have to do, to make you agree to the paternity test?" I ask him. I have no time to play mind games. Ryan has no time for that.

"I thought I was clear about my attitude towards this topic."

"There must be something you want. Everybody can be bribed. It's only a matter of price." I let him know. If spending so much time with Caleb had always seemed to be a time of agony, it has had its good moments. Caleb was a good teacher in bribing and blackmailing.

"You really think like that of me?" My father snorts. "I've always been a man with principles."

"I hope these principles will let you sleep peacefully when you find out that your stubbornness is responsible for the death of a young man." I say and turn around. The remains of a lost battle crush down on me like a landslide. Lost. There's nothing more I can do, despite waiting and hoping. I failed Ryan a second time and worse of all: this time it could cost his life.

"I won't take your money, and we'll make it here." I hear a voice. I don't process its message. I go on. I feel like the last soldier surviving an attack.

"Are you deaf? I said I'll do it!" My father screams. I can literately hear the click in my head. I turn around. No matter how lacking of empathy this guy is, it's still not enough for him to take the blame for someone's death. I turn around and look at him.

"I'll do it, but under my conditions."

"This is manageable."

"You know what this could mean, do you?" He asks me and I know what he's talking about.

"I know, but I can live with it. How about you?"

"I don't care."