CHAPTER FOUR

As always the author reminds all and sundry that he neither holds, nor claims, any rights of any kind to Firefly, and writes completely for his own enjoyment, and hopefully that of others, instead of filthy lucre.

FF

"There you are, River," Simon called. River looked up from where she was sitting on the broad porch in front of the clinic. The Firefly she had watched land several days earlier was preparing to set out again. She had been watching the crew for a good part of the day.

"Hello, Simon," she smiled lazily, waving. "Want to sit down?"

"Love to," he smiled in return. "I actually have a few minutes to spare, for once."

"The clinic keeps you very busy," River nodded.

"That's true," Simon sighed, settling in beside his sister. "There are a great many injuries on a moon like this one. And not a little sickness, either," he added.

"At least your income is steady," River smiled. "Good thing, too, since you'll be a daddy soon," she smirked.

"That's true," Simon agreed. "Between the clinic, and Kaylee's shop, we're actually doing very well."

"I'm happy for you, Simon," River said seriously. "And proud of you."

"Thank you, River."

"I know those people over there, don't I?" River changed gears smoothly, pointing to where Companion was prepping for lift.

"Yes, you do," he replied honestly. "Why?"

"Do I know them well?" she pressed.

"Some better than others," Simon shrugged casually, trying to be as calm as possible.

"I look at them. . .I watch them, and it. . .it seems like I should be part of that," she told him. "I know, logically, that I have been a part of something like it before, since we lived on a ship just like it. But this is more than mere muscle memory. I really do feel like I should be over there. Helping."

"Well, you were always helping on Serenity," Simon hedged slightly. Could she be remembering? "You even piloted her, at times," he added, throwing out a beacon for her.

"I did?" River asked, looking at him. "Really?"

"Yes," Simon nodded. "And you were good at it," he assured her. "Just like you're good at everything you try."

"I'm glad," she smiled. "That man," she pointed at Jayne. "I know him, right? I mean, I know him as more than just the man who came with you to visit me in the hospital, yes?"

"Yes," Simon kept his answer simple.

"Did we work together?" she asked.

"Yes."

"What did we do?"

"Well," Simon leaned back, sighing. "The two of you provided security for the ship, the crew, and any passengers we had on board. You worked together pretty well, actually," he admitted.

"So he knows about my. . .I mean, he's aware of. . . ."

"He knows everything, River," Simon replied truthfully. He was walking in a minefield, and he knew it, but he refused to lie.

"I thought so," River said wistfully. "I can't remember how I would know that, but. . .there's just something about him. Something that I trust, for some reason. Our having worked together would explain that."

"You were. . .well, I should say are, very close," Simon struggled to maintain his calm. "The two of you are alike in many ways."

"He's handsome," River said suddenly, and Simon jerked. He couldn't help it.

"Relax, Simon," River giggled. "I've got too many other problems to be thinking in those terms, wouldn't you agree?"

"You do have troubles, River," Simon nodded. "But you can't let that stop you from living your life. You owe it to yourself." She seemed to consider that for a time, then nodded.

"You're right. I should sleep with him."

"What?!" Simon sputtered, only to hear a peel of laughter from his sister.

"Oh that was priceless!" she wailed. Simon shook his head in chagrin. Even with the weight of her damaged memory, he was thrilled to hear her laugh, and see her enjoying herself, even at his expense.

FF

Jayne's head snapped up at the sound of laughter. Not just any laughter, either, but. . .her laughter. He scanned the area, and found her sitting with Simon in front of the clinic.

"You okay, Shade?" Blade asked, concern in her voice.

"I've told you not to call me that," Jayne replied, his voice cold. He never looked away from where Simon and River were still talking. Blade paled slightly, but nodded.

"I'm sorry. It's a force o' habit. I'll fix it, Jayne."

He suddenly looked at her, and realized he might have been a bit emotional.

"Don't worry over it," he said kindly. "And ignore my. . .well, you know."

"Yeah, I know," she nodded, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Anyway, we're set to head out, soon as the load is secured. We'll need fuel this trip, so better plan on a layover."

"Was gonna anyway," Jayne nodded. "I'm gonna take the kids out to eat. You two wanna join us, you can."

"We might do that," Blade smiled. "What about Holly?"

"Holly disappears ever time we hit Astra," Jayne grinned. "He's got him a girl there."

"Invite them both," Blade shrugged.

"Nah," Jayne smiled. "I have before, but he always begs off. He doesn't want to share his time with her with the rest of us." He looked back toward where River was sitting. "And I don't blame'im none."

Blade bit down a sigh, seeing the sadness in Jayne's face, hearing it in his voice. She wished, desperately, there was something she could do.

"You better get back to the bridge," Jayne told her. "They're about done. I want us in the black soon's we're done here."

"Aye, aye, Captain," she sketched a salute, and headed for the cockpit.

Zoe walked into the clinic almost cautiously. She never had liked such places, and the fact that Simon ran this one didn't really make it any better. She spotted him right away, doing paperwork in the receptionist area.

"Hello, Simon."

"Zoe!" Simon smiled, seeing her. "How are you?"

"Fine, Simon," she nodded. "Just wanted to see how you were getting along."

"Well, I'm staying busy," he sighed, finally handing over the file to the clerk. "It's planting season, so I'm seeing a lot of injuries. And I'm doing surgery work at the hospital on occasion as well," he added.

"Puttin' ears back on?" she grinned.

"Or whatever," he agreed with a matching smile.

"How's River?" Zoe asked, softer.

"Not too bad, really," he replied. "She's regained almost all of her mobility. I think her feet still bother her, but she's healing nicely. Physically, anyway."

"I see," Zoe sighed.

"Her subconscious is working overtime, I think," Simon confided. "She's starting to ask a lot of questions. She looks at the ships, and says she knows she should be there, but not why."

"Is that. . .I mean, that's a start, right?" Zoe asked hesitantly.

"And a good one," Simon assured her. "Right now, I'm content to let her work it out on her own, with help from us when she wants it or asks for it. If she can regain her memory on her own, I think it would be better than any of the other options."

"I hope so," he shrugged helplessly. "I hope so."

FF

River stood at the ramp of Serenity, looking up into the cargo hold with a strange sense of longing that she couldn't explain, but knew was all right. She wasn't sure just how she knew it, but was certain she did.

Vague murmuring in her mind, whispers just out of her reach, made their way through her. Memories of things past, she was also certain. Discussions, adventures, travels that she had been a part of. It was there, lurking just below the surface. She just had to dig it out.

"Hey, little bit," a voice that was both familiar and not broke into her train of thought, and she jumped slightly.

"Easy there," a tall, blond haired man soothed. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"I know you, don't I?" she asked. He nodded.

"Yep, ya do," he smiled easily. "Name's Goldie."

"Not your real name," River mused, her head cocked to one side.

"Nah, just a nickname," he smiled. "Might as well be my real one, though. Most everyone calls me that. You gonna stand out there all day, or come aboard?"

"I'm not sure I should," River admitted. "I. . .I know I used to live on this ship, but have no true memory of it. I don't want to wander somewhere I might cause a problem."

"Well, we're on the ground, right now, so I don't see that as a problem," he grinned. "Heck, feel free to roam around. Might help you remember. You need anything, I'll be around, okay?"

"Th. . .thank you, Goldilocks," she replied automatically. She saw him hesitate for a moment.

"Did I . . . was that wrong?" she asked, hesitantly. She wasn't accustomed to being hesitant, and didn't like it.

"Not at all, sweetie," he assured her. "Just. . .only someone who really knows me would know that. I think that's a good sign."

"Really?" she looked hopeful. "Then we'll assume it is one."

"Works for me," his grin was infectious. River walked up the ramp into the cargo hold, looking around as she did so, taking in everything. It was familiar, and not. At the same time. That both confused her, and made her happy. Her memory was doing it's best to return.

"Hard to believe that I could have spent so long on this ship, and have no memory of it," she said softly. Without thinking, she placed her hand on the hull, and instantly drew it back.

"You okay?" Goldie asked.

"I. . .I'm not sure," River admitted. For just a second, it was almost as if the ship had spoken to her. Called to her.

"Reckon I need to get Simon?" he asked, concerned with her answer.

"Oh, no. Nothing like that. It was just. . .there was a familiar jolt, for a moment. That's all."

"Oh, well, I'll think on that as a good thing, then," he relaxed. She could feel him relax. She could also feel his apprehension.

"It's important to you that I remember, isn't it?" she asked.

"It's important to all of us," he replied honestly. "You're our friend. Part of our family. And," he held his hands open, "we all love you. Worry about you."

"Simon and I must have been very fortunate, indeed, to have found this place."

"I'd say it was more fate, what I hear," Goldie smiled again.

"Hear?"

"Well, I wasn't part of this outfit when you and Simon joined up," he admitted. "See, you and me only met when I hired on with Mal, and that was after you bunch had already been here a few months."

"Ran into the k. . .ran into you and Zoe and Jayne on Astra, and took on then."

"I see," River nodded.

"Well, like I said, feel free to look around," Goldie waved his arm broadly. "I'll be around if you need me. Just sing out, I'll hear ya."

"Thank you," River smiled. He departed to finish his work, leaving her to look around in silence.

At first she was content to simply stand there, soaking in the feeling that being here gave her. She didn't understand it, the familiarity, but she liked it. It was soothing.

Without even realizing it, she started toward the infirmary. Her feet moved as if they knew what they were doing, and she let them.

I don't like needles, Simon.

She stopped, hearing her own voice in her head. No, she didn't like needles. Not since. . . .She stopped herself.

That way is unproductive. The girl will not go there.

The girl? Since when did. . . .Oh. She remembered that. Why, if she had to loose her memory, couldn't it be those memories. Why must it be the good ones?

How do I know they were good?

That was a good question. She couldn't answer it, but she was no less certain that they were good memories. Not all of them, perhaps. There was rain in every life. But many, most, of the times on this ship had been good. She was sure of it.

There was also confusion. Befuddlement. Frustration. And cold. So very cold. Her arms wrapped themselves around her of their own volition, hugging her tightly.

She moved on, taking the stairs from the lounge to the galley. A familiar setting. She was certain she'd been in this room. Many, many times, in fact. She could feel it. Almost touch it, the memory so vivid, yet just out of reach.

There had been a man with wild hair. She smiled at that, for some reason. The hair had frightened her. Yes, the hair. The shepherd's wild, crazy hair.

Chaotic.

The word came to her unbidden, and she was sure it was accurate. It just sounded like something she would say. Wait. Shepherd? Did she know a shepherd? Not from her family, she was sure. Her parents wouldn't have entertained such a notion. That meant he had to have been someone she met here. On the ship.

She sat down at the table, suddenly very tired. She was frustrated, and not a little fearful. She had hidden it from Simon very well, so far, but she admitted to herself that she was afraid.

Afraid she wouldn't get her memory back. And afraid that not doing so would cost her something very special. Not knowing what that might be made the feelings worse. What kind of life had she had? What had she done, who had she known that would bring her such feelings of regret, and loss, when she didn't even remember what it was she was missing?

Overcome by that constant worry, she stood suddenly, and made her way down the stairs back to the cargo bay.

Don't look like she's all there. Course, not all of her has to be.

I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

No readin' me, little witch.

River, why don't Simon want me?

River, your hair is very pretty. Brushing it helps keep it healthy.

Big damn heroes, sir.

Gorram moonbrain.

It's somewhat less specific on kneecaps.

We're making a better world.

Or, we could just talk some more.

It's a symbol of faith, child.

I never thought of myself as a lion.

You won't find us in there. History's written by the winner.

Bullet in the brainpan.

From every direction she could hear them. Voices from the past. She couldn't put names or faces to them, and some of them, she knew instinctively, were unfriendly. Suddenly she was surrounded by them. It was confusing. Overwhelming.

Too much, too much, too much, please God make me a stone!

She bolted. When she reached the ramp, she never slowed, but kept going as fast as she could, eager to be rid of these encroaching memories that she couldn't catalog, couldn't place, but that haunted her anyway.

She didn't stop running until she was in the safety of her room. She ran to her bed, pulled the covers tight over her, and lay there shivering for a very long time.

Kaylee would eventually find her there, and smooth the covers, kissing her forehead as she murmured good night.

FF

"Where is it that we're going again?" Annassa Flint asked her father, as the ship broke atmosphere, heading into the dark of space.

"Astra," he replied patiently. "The man we need is on a moon of that planet."

"What is he doing?" she wanted to know.

"We don't know," he admitted. "But the ship is there, and he is assumed to still be there, as well."

"I see."

"Do I sense reluctance?" her father asked, eyebrows raised.

"Not in the least," she replied cooly. "I simply seek information."

"We have discussed this many times, daughter," he said, a bit firmer than before. "You will play your part."

"Indeed."

"It will not be so bad," he comforted her suddenly. "And you need only produce a suitable heir, or two. After that, is some misfortune were to befall him, well. . . ."

"I'm sure that it will, once he is of no more use," his daughter told him coldly.

And might well befall you too, Father. I will not remain subservient to you forever.

"We should be there within two weeks."

FF