CHAPTER FIVE
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Bad's Playhouse on the Net. As always, we remind you that this work of fanfiction is written solely for entertainment purposes, and in no way seeks to infringe on any copyright of any kind. No money is received for this labor of love. Enjoy.
FF
"We're down." Blade's voice cut through the ship's address system, and the crew went to work. Ramp down, Jayne and Liam supervised the unloading while Wart watched from up top. Things were quiet, these days, but the group was no less cautious of alert. It paid to be careful, after all.
"We got freight to pick up this time, too," Jayne announced. "Once we're done here, we need to lift over to Warehouse Row." Warehouse Row was a huge storage yard of buildings and sheds used to store merchandise and equipment meant for out bound shipping.
"What are we gettin'?" Liam asked.
"Crate o' parts and supplies for Kaylee, and a shipment of parts and tools for the parts house in town," Jayne read off the list. "There's also a crate of some kinda fancy whatsits for Inara's school. Books and such, I think."
"Anything else?" Chelsa asked.
"Ain't that enough?" Jayne replied. "Keep us busy rest of the afternoon."
"That mean we ain't goin' out tonight?" Chelsa asked, almost pouting.
"Mean's we got to hurry, if we want to, that's all," Liam answered. Jayne nodded.
"So let's get to it."
FF
"I'm glad you guys came along," Chelsa told Blade, as the group walked toward their restaurant.
"Me too, sweetie," Blade smiled at her. She and Chelsa had become close since the former merc couple had joined the crew. Blade tried very hard to be there when Chelsa needed a woman's hand in her life. It was about the only thing she could do to try and help out.
Everyone chatted things up as they walked along, Wart and Liam talking about guns, and other 'man' things. Wart really liked the boy. Considering that they had met with Liam pointing a gun at Wart's head, that said something special about Liam.
For his part, Liam like Wart well enough, but Wart wasn't Jayne. And Jayne was Liam's hero. He would never say so, of course, since that wasn't manly. But it was true, none the less.
Jayne, though, wasn't the same nowadays. He was quieter, and moodier, sometimes going through the whole day not saying more than a dozen words that weren't work related. Liam hated to see the big man torn so much, and hurting so badly, especially when there was nothing he could do about it.
But that was the way things were, for right now.
FF
"River, what's wrong?" Simon asked. He had found his sister sitting in the window, eating ice cream. It was a real treat for someone who had lived on a ship, but she had no memory of that. Ice cream had been her comfort food when she was a girl. He mind recalled that well enough.
"Nothing," the girl replied, taking another bite.
"River, you can't hide from me," Simon told her, sitting next to her. "I know you, remember? Today you were fine. Tonight, you aren't. Kaylee told me she found you already in bed when she got home. Something obviously happened, so what was it?"
She kept staring out the window, taking yet another bite of the ice cream.
"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, River," Simon told her.
"Can you help me?" she asked suddenly. She didn't look at him. "Can you help me, Simon? I'm broken worse than I was before, now," her voice trembled at the admission. "My mind is my own, now, and I'm grateful for that. But. . .my life is what's missing now. I know, know Simon, that I belong somewhere besides here. There's somewhere I should be, right now. Someone I should be with. And I can't even remember." Finally she looked at him
"So can you really help me, big brother?"
Simon considered his reply for a moment.
"I don't know if I can help you completely," he admitted. "But I wasn't talking about helping you with your memory, at least not tonight. I meant help you deal with whatever is bothering you, right this minute."
"I went aboard Serenity this afternoon," she said suddenly. "I. . .the ship tried to talk to me, Simon. I don't know how, but it did. Almost as if it were a living, breathing thing."
"And there were voices," she continued. "Not like before, when I was broken, but like flashes of memories trying to come back. Did we know a shepherd?" she asked suddenly.
"Wh. . .what?" Simon started.
"A shepherd, Simon. Did we know a shepherd? On Serenity perhaps?"
"Yes, we did," Simon nodded. "A man named Derrial Book. A truly fine man."
"With a shady past," River murmured suddenly. "He wasn't always a shepherd, was he?"
"No, he wasn't," Simon nodded. "I never knew what he did before becoming a Shepherd. Must have been something for the Alliance, though."
"The ident card," River nodded, and Simon started.
"River, how do. . .did you remember that?"
"Yes," she smiled tightly. "And his chaotic hair." Simon laughed in spite of himself.
"I remember that. He tried to get you to touch it, but that just made things worse."
"Scary hair is. . . scary," River defended herself.
"Yes, yes it is," Simon leaned over and kissed her forehead. "River, this is wonderful. The fact that you recall these things. . .well, it means your memories aren't gone. They're just suppressed."
"And that means you can get them back."
"Good," River nodded, turning once more to look out the window into the night. "I'd like that very much, I think. I want to see what I'm missing."
FF
Mal leaned back from the cortex screen he'd been looking at, stretching his back. He'd been looking at ships all afternoon. He needed just a certain kind of ship, though, for what he had in mind.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
Mal jumped slightly at Zoe's voice.
"Gorramit, Zoe, don't be sneakin' up on me like that," he growled. "Scared me outta two weeks worth o' physical therapy right then."
"Should be more aware, sir," Zoe smirked slightly, taking a seat. "You look better."
"I feel better," Mal nodded. "Still stiff and sore, but I'm gettin' there, bit by bit. Got some good news today, in fact," he smiled.
"Oh?"
"Therapist reviewed the doctor's notes on my last set o' tests. Appears I really am doin' better. Better enough that the doc thinks I might just recover almost all the way."
"That is good news, sir," Zoe smiled. "I'm glad to hear of it. Everyone else will be too."
"Thanks, Zo'."
"Is that what you wanted to see me about?"
"Actually, no," Mal grinned at her. "I'm thinkin' about addin' a new ship to our business. A liner this time. For a luxury-ish shuttle service between here and Astra. Whatcha think o' that?"
"Jayne mentioned that to me, I guess a week or so ago," Zoe nodded. "I think it's worth looking into. Our passenger rate has held steady since we started. In fact, we've had to turn down customers a few times, with all the berths rented. A first class service, especially if it's faster than us, might do very well, sir."
"I was thinking along them lines myself," Mal nodded. "I want to be able to cut the trip down to say, two days, if we can."
"Take a good ship and crew for that," Zoe commented. "And a first rate pilot, too," she added.
"I know, but it merits a look see, don't you think?"
"Absolutely, sir," Zoe concurred.
"Well, I found something I think might do the trick, but I want you to take a look at it." He swivelled the monitor her way, and Zoe leaned forward, studying the screen.
"Hm, that's a pretty little thing, ain't it," she mused. Mal nodded.
"Got berths for twenty passengers, plus a crew of seven. I don't think we'll need more'n five. Pilot, Engineer, Cook, Galley assistant, and a porter who doubles as a paramedic. Sound okay to you?"
"Yes, sir, but. . . ."
"But?"
"Well, there are still pirates in these waters," she shrugged. "Five people in a boarding action on a ship full o' passengers ain't good odd's."
"Hm," Mal frowned. "You know, I hadn't thought about that," he admitted. "Guess I been outta the black too long, Zoe."
"Just lost some habits is all, sir," Zoe smiled. "I do have a suggestion, though, if you really wanna do something with another ship."
"I'm all ears," Mal leaned forward.
"Well, I've noticed we're fetching back and forth a lot of courier type stuff," Zoe told him. "And we're a three, maybe four day haul each time. And there's always stuff headed for the other moons, too."
"So maybe a courier service, instead?" Mal asked.
"Well, maybe a combination," Zoe shook her head. "Instead of going for comfort and luxury, you shuttle people from Astra to the moons and back, and include courier service as well. The courier fees aren't much less than standard passenger fare, don't cost anything, and don't normally take up too much room."
"Don't they already have something like that on Astra?" Mal asked, frowning. "I was just looking to do something between her and Astra, to be honest. I wasn't thinking about the other moons."
"There are, but people still come to us," Zoe shrugged. "Make of that what you will."
"You done give me something to think on, Zo'," Mal leaned back, running things over in his mind. "I appreciate that. And you takin' the time to come by."
"You're the boss, sir," Zoe grinned. "Besides, it's good to just sit and talk to you for a while. Like old times."
"Yeah," Mal smiled. "It has been different. I guess that's one of the reasons I'm looking at something like this. Give me something to do, and get me back in the black, as least some."
"You know, you can hitch a ride with either of us when you get the itch, sir."
"I know, and once I'm done, I'll like as not do just that. But I don't wanna be in ya'll hair too much. It ain't like I can come back and start captainin' Serenity again."
"Still your boat, sir," Zoe said evenly.
"It ain't that," Mal shook his head. "I just. . .Zoe, I don't think I'd be able," he admitted. "I ain't actually said that aloud, before," he frowned. "But. . .I'd just be another liability if something happened. In the way."
"That's a little strong, sir," Zoe replied.
"But it's truthsome," Mal shrugged. "I may recover pretty good, but I won't never be fit as I was, Zoe. Won't never. Too much broken and busted for that. And I pushed too hard when I shouldn'a. It's done, now, howsoever, and I can't change it. Just like I can't change a lotta other things," he said sadly.
"Sir, River put herself in that situation," Zoe said firmly. "And she did it on her own, behind even Jayne's back. I'm not saying I don't feel for her, cause I do. But this one's on her, way more than you."
"I'd like to think you're right, Zoe, but I was in. . . ."
"A helluva fix, and she took advantage o' that to do things her own way," Zoe's voice was firm, and unyielding. "I didn't like that you let her get away with it, but don't for a second thing you're responsible. I know for a fact that you tried to stop her. Girl's head strong."
"She is that," Mal sighed. "Well, maybe things'll work out. Meantime, I'm gonna have another thinkin' spell on this, Zoe. Thanks for the info, and the suggestions. I still wanna try something like this, but your idea might just keep it from bein' a bust."
"Glad I could help, sir," Zoe stood. "You need to get some rest," she ordered.
"I think you're right," Mal nodded, and that concerned Zoe even more, that Mal didn't argue. "I got plenty o' time to work on this."
"So you do, sir," she helped him get up. "I'll help you up the stairs."
"Really does seem like old times, don't it?" he managed to grin.
"Just like U Day, sir," Zoe smiled.
FF
River once again stood at the ramp, looking up into Serenity's cargo hold. She wasn't afraid, but she was wary.
What if she remembered something she didn't want to know? Something better off left unremembered? She hesitated at that, thinking.
Was she better off not remembering? That thought had never occurred to her until now. It gave her pause.
Is it worth leaving behind whatever I've lost, not to remember the things that I'm better off without? Am I better off starting over? Maybe I should just start from here, and go forward, instead of trying to get back to where I was.
The idea scared her. More than a little, actually.
What if there's something wonderful that I've lost? Something that I really want back? What if I'm missing out on something grand? Would it be worth losing that, just to avoid some bad memories?
On the other hand, would it be worth having back, if it meant those horrible memories came with it? There's nothing to stop me from moving on from right here, and starting over. Leaving whatever scares me so much hidden in the dark.
She'd never thought of herself as a coward. At least not that she could remember. And she didn't think of it as cowardice now. Logically, it was a sound question. She needed to weigh the benefit against the risk, that's all.
She needed to make sure this was what she wanted, before committing herself.
"So maybe not today," she murmured. Turning, she walked away from the ship, heading back to the clinic.
She didn't see Goldie walk out of the shadows as she moved away, a look of great sadness on his face.
FF
"Simon, do you have a minute," River asked.
"For you I always have a minute," Simon smiled, looking up from his desk. "Come in and sit down." She did, using that time to gather her thoughts.
"River, is something wrong?" Simon asked.
"Not wrong, just. . . ." She hesitated, trying to make sure there was no misunderstanding. "I'm conflicted," she settled for saying.
"All right, what about?" Simon asked.
"It occurs to me that my memory loss might be a gift," she said simply. "That I've been given the opportunity to leave something awful behind, and never remember it again. And that makes me wonder if I'm better off not pursuing my lost memories. If I should just decide to move forward from here, and start my life over from this point on."
"I. . .I see," Simon managed to hide his concern. "You think you're prepared to leave behind the life you've built here? Are you looking to relocate?" River started at that. She hadn't thought about it.
"I don't know," she answered truthfully. "I hadn't gotten that far yet. It was just something I was thinking on."
"Well, I can't tell you what to do, mei mei," Simon leaned back, trying to keep her from sensing his anguish. "You're a grown woman, and have to make your own choices. And I have to let you," he admitted. "I haven't always been good at that."
"You saved me Simon," River smiled at him. "I don't know how, but you did. And that's all that matters to me."
"River, does that mean that you don't want any more information about the life you had before?" he asked, leaning forward once more. "I've given you information in the past, and I've answered every question truthfully. Do you want me to stop doing that? I won't lie, but I will refuse to answer."
"Again, I don't know," River shrugged. "I'm very confused right now, Simon. I don't know what direction to go. That's not like me, and I don't like it very much, either."
"I can understand that, but don't be overly hard on yourself, at least this once," Simon smiled. "You're trying to make sense out of jumbled and confusing memories, or flashes of memory, River. It's like a computer trying to provide an answer without access to all of it's hard drive."
"A good analogy," River nodded. "What do you think I should do, Simon?" The question caught him off guard.
"I can't really answer that, River," he shrugged helplessly. "It's something you have to decide. Do you want your life back?"
"Was I happy?" she asked suddenly, looking at him intently.
"Yes," he said honestly. "Very happy. You once told me that you wouldn't change anything in the past, because it had led you to where you, where we, are now."
"Then I must have been very happy," she said quietly. "I. . .why can't I remember? What happened to me, Simon?"
"River, are you sure you want me to tell you?" Simon asked. "Would you rather try to piece it back together yourself? And if you're thinking of simply moving on, wouldn't me telling you all that cause you even more conflict?"
"Why can't you just give me an honest answer?" River huffed. "I've asked you time and again to tell me what happened to me. You don't have to tell me everything that's happened in the time I've lost. But why was I so horribly injured? Why am I so badly scarred? What happened to me, Simon!"
Simon sat back, studying her for a moment. What should he do? He closed his eyes briefly, thinking. Would it harm or help, if he told her about the Slasher? Would it set her back, or encourage her to move forward.
"Please?" her pleading brought him back to the present.
"Very well," Simon made a snap decision, praying it was the right one. He got up and went to the small refrigerator, taking two sandwiches and two cans of soda, giving one of each to his sister.
"There was a serial killer, loose on this moon, several months ago now, and. . . ."