Random Note: Has anyone figured out the chapter titling system yet? In DiT I used "A Time for," but these are Star Trek Voyager episodes. In After the Fall, chapter titles after twenty were from the other Trek series. Yes, I am that random. ;)
Chapter Eight: Random Thoughts
July 12th 2:55 p.m
Rinoa stared at her reflection in the mirror. She couldn't believe what she had done a just a few short hours before. With a single, and incredibly insane, action she had come face to face with one of her deepest fears. She couldn't believe the person she was becoming. Truthfully…she liked it. She loved the freedom and this newfound sense of independence. It was the transformation of becoming her own person, breaking the stigma and labels that she had lived with for so many years.
She would have managed a small smile had there not been such lingering fear residing inside. Honestly, just standing upright unaided was quite the impressive feat in her book. Apparently, she needed to take this new persona thing one small step at a time, or in this particular case, one small leap off a large bridge, at a time. Although she was glad that she had followed through with the jump, it was great to be back on solid ground. Well, more precisely, it was the third floor of a hotel, but that was just semantics.
The fact remained that she had jumped and nobody could ever take that achievement away. Ever.
After the initial leap, Rinoa had remained completely silent, even while dangling ungracefully in mid-air. It was probably a good fifteen minutes into their drive back that she finally managed her first coherent words. Thankfully, Squall was extremely understanding of her lack of verbal communication. Then again, that was kind of his forte for most of his teenage years.
One of the most telling aspects of the day… there was simply no need for words afterwards. Squall seemed to instinctively know how to respond, both being proactive and comforting with his actions. Even Selphie and Irvine had been extremely patient with her silence, while remaining proud of her accomplishment. They knew how much courage it took for Rinoa to go through with the bungee jump, they would never deny her sheer determination.
Trekking back down the mountain, the group decided it would be best to grab a quick meal on the go. Collectively, nobody had been that hungry and all wanted to save their appetites for later. Rinoa doubted she could even keep anything down, but thankfully Squall had ordered her a cola to drink. It at least helped settle her stomach, although just slightly. It was yet another small gesture that didn't go unnoticed by her…she just didn't have the strength to voice her appreciation.
After the drive-thru, they headed back to the hotel to change and regroup. The commander was especially glad about the 'changing' part, as two of his comrades had decided to do the unthinkable… Both Selphie and Irvine proudly donned their matching 'Behemoth Bungee t-shirts' immediately after the jump, bad slogans and all.
Not surprisingly, Squall had decided against wearing his, it was never even a thought he entertained. Rinoa didn't know if she'd even be capable of lifting her arms over her head, so changing her t-shirt was moot at that point. Truthfully, neither sorceress nor knight were into the 'matching outfit' type of relationship, as somehow, that loudly screamed something uniquely Selphie…and a semi-reluctant Irvine.
It was mid afternoon and Selphie suggested going to the shopping district. The guys both reacted just as enthusiastically as expected, while Rinoa actually liked the idea – shopping at least wasn't done upside above a rocky gorge. Any ideas of protest would have been quickly vetoed by Selphie, as again, she claimed the all-encompassing rights and supreme reign over her 'birthday weekend.' It was an excuse that could never be trumped, at least in her world. Irvine wanted to point out that her birthday technically wasn't for another four days, but that type of logical reasoning would be blatantly ignored. He'd be hearing about this for the next week, might as well just bite the bullet…and go shopping.
The quartet made their way down the streets. Selphie and Rinoa led, while the two guys trailed idly behind. The girls seemed to gain just enough ground to look in a window of shop, make an immediate judgment based on window dressings, and decide whether to go in or pass it up for the next possible target. This area of town was not the high-end retail; many were specialty type shops, as the more exclusive district was closer to the beach.
A particularly colorful shop grabbed Selphie's attention, and even though it was on the other side of the street, it was a place that she was drawn to like Zell to a hotdog vendor. The storefront was a rainbow of varying and clashing colors; this may have had a little to do with her fascination.
Selphie crossed the street first, Rinoa only a few steps behind. Neither Squall nor Irvine showed any sign of hustle, whatever furry or fluffy stuffed Chocobo in the window would still be there in ten seconds. Selphie didn't even need to be asked if she wanted to go in. This place seemed to be an emporium of the strange, unique, and downright…magenta. Before walking through the door, a professionally printed sign caught the birthday girl's attention.
It simply read: free ear piercing with purchase of starter set.
In all of Selphie's years and exuberance for shopping, she had never found the time for such a simple task. Back in Trabia, there was no official place to have it done, beside those who trusted their friends with sterilized needles and ice packs. She might have been free spirited, but somehow, Selphie felt that some things should be left to a professional….or a part-time teenage student working to pay their way to the spring formal, but at least they had control of the cool ear-piercing gun.
Now her days of having naked ears would be behind her, as in front of her was a store carrying a plethora of earrings. The offer was just too tempting to pass up. Selphie quite simply couldn't resist the chance to enhance her already vibrant wardrobe…
"Let's get our ears pierced!" she shrieked enthusiastically.
Rinoa, on the other hand, thought the idea was meant on some sliding scale of humor that eluded her.
"You're kidding, right?"
"I'm serious! It makes perfect sense, and then we could trade earrings when we feel like it." That argument didn't seem to be winning her friend over, so she would try another approach. "I mean, think about it Rinoa…just about every guy I know has done it, both our boyfriends included, yet we don't? I think it's time we equal out the playing field in earring wearing category."
"Selphie, first, I doubt there is a 'playing field' when it comes to wearing earrings… slightly a strange mental image, I must admit. Second, there is a reason I never did it – adding more holes to my head doesn't sound like fun or the fashion statement I'm going for... Thirdly, um…"
"Thirdly, you're being a chicken-wuss again?" Irvine added to the conversation as the two guys had now caught up. His comment wasn't much appreciated, but at least it was to the point.
"No!" Rinoa countered agitated, she had already had this argument today "I jumped off a bridge earlier. Doesn't that count for something?"
"Not really, you're only judged in the present. And presently… you're being a chicken-" Irvine started to rebuke jokingly.
"Don't even finish that statement," Rinoa growled defeated. "I'll do it, I'll do it."
"You're not saying that just because of us are you?" Selphie asked with concern. Even though they were joking, they would never force their friend into something. Sure, they could play around, but the decision was entirely up to Rinoa. "Do you really want to do it?"
"Yes…no…" Rinoa exhaled calming herself. "I mean, I've always wanted to have them pierced, but I've always seemed to have bigger problems on the horizon… I guess today seems as good as any to take the leap… figuring I've already taken a leap over a ravine..."
"Tee-hee! It's gonna be great," Selphie exclaimed emphatically.
"Would it be all right if I sat this one out?"
The group turned to Squall, who had been his usual quiet self during the exchange. "I mean if that's all right with you Rinoa."
"Sure," she answered with a smile.
She couldn't imagine Squall Leonhart even walking into a store like this anyhow; the entire atmosphere would clash with his entire persona. She knew he'd be there if she really needed the support, but this was far from the events of earlier today.
"Thanks," he nodded in appreciation.
In the next few minutes, the commander ended up separating from the group. He knew Rinoa was in no immediate danger, unless he included the constant bantering of Selphie and Irvine. He had faith that Rinoa would survive this without the aid of her knight. Honestly, as much as he had enjoyed this weekend, he just needed this time to himself. Enjoyed? He would have to contemplate his wording later, that epiphany was a little overwhelming at the moment.
"Can someone please explain the logic behind this? I mean, how did a weekend away turn into a weekend to torture Rinoa?"
"It was in a memo, as torturing Squall has lost some of its charm," chirped Selphie holding the display in her hands. There had to be twenty sets of earring studs on the board; she couldn't narrow it down to just one selection.
"You're fresh road kill…" Grinned Irvine. "I mean, isn't it fun to experience new and exciting things, Rin?"
"Yeah… thanks, Irvine," she replied sarcastically looking around the store. "And where's my knight in shining armor in my time of need? Probably sitting down by the beach sipping cappuccino. Seriously, somebody dropped the ball and forgot to forward him the other memo. You know, the one that stated torturing me was to be avoided this weekend."
Rinoa wasn't really serious concerning Squall's whereabouts. She knew he needed his space. He had already been so wonderful today; there were just no words to describe the support he provided and the way he silently eased her fears. Right now, it was easier to keep her mind occupied with random thoughts, then to think about the needle that soon would be piercing through her skin. To an outsider, her fears may have appeared humorous, especially after what she had already accomplished today.
"Rule of thumb," Irvine said, explaining Squall's disappearing act in his own unique terms. The cowboy pointed to the store's ornate décor. "Most guys avidly spend their lives trying to avoid places that have a combination of purses on the wall, stuffed purple kittens on the shelves, and hundreds of stickers in a rack stating how much 'girls rule.' It's kinda of a masculinity thing."
"Somehow, I think there's an insult in there about you being in here and not being masculine and all," Selphie joked to her boyfriend still holding the display, "but I'm too busy to even try to come up with one. Look at these choices! Picking a starter set is almost like a lifelong commitment after all."
"Selphie, it's not a lifelong commitment. They just need to be in for six weeks," Rinoa stated to her friend.
"Yes, but six weeks is a lifetime for some things…like the ambrosia beetle."
"Why would you even know that?" questioned Rinoa. Seriously, in what universe did Selphie know the lifespan of beetles…and what the hell was an ambrosia beetle in the first place? Sometimes, there were answers best left unknown; this would be one of those cases. However, Rinoa did have one remaining questioned at hand. "So Irvine, if you guys want to avoid this place really… why are you still here?"
Selphie leaned over whispering, "Because there is also the Selphie rule of the thumb: if his eyes stray he pays. Since we have the hotel room one more night, he isn't taking the chance."
Irvine unenthusiastically gave her the thumbs up, while his face betrayed no emotion. He then reached over grabbing a bumper sticker reading the slogan verbatim, "Worship me like the Goddess I am."
Both Selphie and Rinoa rolled their eyes, shaking off his remark. When he didn't get the desired reaction, he picked up another one reading it out loud. "Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?"
"That's better," Selphie warned, before turning back to her friend. Now that Irvine had received the message, they could get back down to business.
"So Rin, did you make your decision yet? I'm going with the small emeralds… I mean, I know, I should go with the ruby ones, with that being my birthstone… but the green goes so much better with my eyes and seventy percent of my wardrobe! Again, I have to wear these things for six weeks. I've got to keep the important things in mind."
For her part, Rinoa just wanted to go with something simple. She wasn't going to make this into something epic like the Carbuncle versus Squall debacles of the past.
"I'm just going with the small gold balls."
"I-" Irvine began eagerly, but was cut off by an irate girlfriend.
"Don't even think about finishing that sentence… go back to reading your bumper stickers!"
"Fine…" Irvine sighed in defeat. He was actually having a good time, though he would deny it to the bitter end. "Here how about this one: the more I know about men, the more I like my cat."
"I'm getting a cat," Selphie said not-so-under-her breath.
Finally the mood was broken when the clerk arrived on the scene. "Have you two decided on your starter sets yet?"
"Yes we have. I'm gonna get the emeralds and she's going with the small gold balls." Selphie ignored the snickering coming from the sticker rack.
It hadn't been that long since he had been in Dollet, but it been forever since he had found himself alone. It was nice just to be able to take a casual stroll along the cobblestone streets. The temperature was rather mild, given that it was the dead of summer. Just like as in Balamb, the ocean offered a welcome breeze. Even though they were both harbor towns, their personalities and atmospheres couldn't have been more opposite.
A random thought crossed his mind as he walked along the boardwalk. In a way, he felt as if his personality reflected Balamb, while Rinoa was more in line with Dollet. Balamb was a laid back town, but always with a sense of purpose. Most of the economy was based off of fishing and the men and women were dedicated to that purpose. Dollet, while still a port town, had a mixture of fine art, shopping, and their own economic structure. It was lively and distinct, just like Rinoa – compared to his Balamb.
Still, the two places had their similarities; some were not as obvious as others. But above all, both were linked by a special bond (just as sorceress and knight) and both towns were connected by the ocean. It was a strange comparison in his mind, but it made him stop and appreciate his surroundings.
This time alone turned out to be refreshing, although he was learning to enjoy company; it was sometimes just good to take a break. He didn't get this chance at solitude walking the streets of Balamb, students and local residents would usually make him feel as if every move he made was under a microscope. Apparently, his reputation hadn't preceded him on the streets of Dollet, he was thankful.
He looked at his watch; he still had a little time left. Before he walked to the end of the pier, he purchased a small hazelnut latte from a local vender. If he really tried, he couldn't even recall an instance of being by himself in a public place. This morning at the hotel sadly came the closest, and there he was focusing on work. There was no hoopla or homage; there was just a sense of normalcy he had long forgotten.
Making to the end of the pier, he leaned against a railing and watched the boats as they passed by the breakwater. He momentarily felt a pang of guilt, maybe he should have stayed with Rinoa, but he knew she would be fine. Honestly, Selphie was probably a much better motivational coach than he could be in that given situation; the enthusiastic girl most likely had a jaunty tune that covered the excitement of ear piercing. Of course, Irvine would also be there offering his support; Selphie would probably make him tap dancing during the chorus.
Squall really didn't understand the dynamic of that relationship, but in some aspects, he envied it. His opinions might not have been the norm, but not understanding and not appreciating were two separate entities. Even during this weekend he began to see how well they fit together, more so than he had ever noticed before. It could just become a little overwhelming at times.
This was why he was glad for the small reprieve, although staring off into the harbor made him start thinking about the future. In just over a month, he would turn nineteen. At times, it seemed as if his entire life was mapped out for him. The more he thought about it, the more he questioned the true meaning of freedom. Wondering how much control he had left in his destiny, weighed far too heavy on his mind at times.
…And then there were times like today, ones he could just jump off a bridge and try to push all his cares from this world. This was nice; he had to admit.
There were some freedoms this weekend he had never experienced in all his years. There were also some freedoms he wanted to experience, but the uncertainty was holding him back. He wondered how Rinoa felt. He never did ask her. She would always say how she understood and never push him, but he also noticed she never would directly answer his question. Last night turned out well enough; there was no big concern about separate rooms… again, except his.
In his mind, it had almost boiled down to a morality issue. Not necessarily the morals of society regarding teenager promiscuity, but ones he created in his mind. His concerns were not the principles of a man, rather they were the morals of someone in command - someone designated as a knight. It bothered him if he stopped to think about it. How he could commit fully to her as a guardian of her spirit, but commit fully to her as a boyfriend?
Honestly, it just wasn't about the physical relationships, though he couldn't deny the idea of sex had never crossed his mind. It had…it really had. But it was also this emotional barrier he couldn't seem to overcome. The one where she would say 'I love you' and he would feel a combination of excitement and insecurity. It was that barrier where he just couldn't say those words back to her.
Maybe as great as today had been, this is why he was standing here now. Earlier, she could literally let go of her fear and place all her trust in him, but he was still unable to do the same. Those were two different scenarios, much like the cities of Balamb and Dollet, but someday he really wanted to find that commonality, much as the ocean had bonded those two towns.
He needed to move forward from here. Maybe the first sign of hope in his uncertainty was that wanted to head back to join his friends. Normally, if at Garden, he would take this chance to retreat back into either himself or his work. Right now, he really didn't want to be by himself any longer. It was a step, a small one, but one he could accept as positive.
Somehow, he never thought that rows and rows of bumper stickers would provide worthwhile entertainment, but he was quickly proven wrong. Irvine now had a small collection growing in his hands; he wanted to bring his friends a lovely memento of the trip. What says 'love' more than bumper stickers?
"Okay, so far I have this one for Zell: Ham & Eggs – a day's work for a chicken, a lifelong commitment for a pig. For Quistis, I was going with the Trepie appropriate: Are those your eyeballs. I found them in my cleavage. This just leaves Squall…"
After a few more seconds of searching he found it, the holy grail of bumper stickers.
"Look guys, I finally found it," Irvine said triumphantly, still examining the display rack, "this one is beyond perfect!"
He held up a bumper sticker that had the boldly printed phrase: "Whatever."
Rinoa found herself unable to control the laugh she accidentally snorted out. She was glad Squall hadn't heard that, not quite lady like in any sense of the word. A sticker with just a single word had had been a moment of humor for all of them. She was glad to have friends to share these little inside jokes with, although she doubted Squall would see the humor, or if he did, he would deny it and just act irritated.
Her momentary snorting fit quickly subsided as the clerk neared. Selphie had gone first, having no qualms about it. The other girl was currently picking out a year's stock of earrings. The sorceress tried to concentrate on anything right now. She saw a digital clock behind the counter and focused all her attention on the red numbers. Wincing, she could feel the woman placing dots on each ear lobe. There was something to be said about ample personal space with strangers, and this woman had quickly breached it. Now instead of the red numbers on the clock, she quickly had to avert her eyes from looking at the cleavage of a stranger. Though she knew it was the lady's job, couldn't she possibly have avoided the low cut shirt? Then again, maybe this answered the question as to why most of the guys she knew had pierced ears….
The clerk handed her a mirror, asking her to check the two black dots on her ears. Rinoa couldn't tell. It looked fine to her, wasn't low-top-lady supposed to be the expert? Still, she politely nodded her approval without saying anything.
"Kay sweetie, there'll just a quick sting. The sound is much worse than the pain."
Rinoa could barely fathom the combination of 'sound and pain' when she heard a loud noise resonating in her ear. She jumped slightly, not really prepared for the woman to be that quick on the trigger. At least, it was half over…she really didn't feel much pain; it really was the sound that was menacing. In another twenty seconds it was over and she let out a sigh of relief. She was glad she had gone through with it, but one thing was for certain…next time she ever went anywhere with anyone again, there was going to be a major memo involved.
July 12th 7:21 p.m
"Interesting day, huh?" Rinoa bit her lip nervously. She then glanced at her boyfriend before returning her attention toward her remaining mashed potatoes.
"Yeah…" Squall answered. The awkward silence started again.
They sat beside one another, each lost in their own thoughts. It was one of those oversized semi-circular booths that allowed the patrons some level of privacy. The dinner club Selphie picked had been about as accommodating as any place possible. The food was incredible, the service impeccable, and the atmosphere suited everyone to a tee. It was also a place where one could get away with casual dress, so that alone was a huge selling point to both Irvine and Squall.
The cuisine, itself, was nothing short of amazing. However, Selphie left out the minor detail - that the new head chef at Balamb Garden, Carl, had insisted upon them going here. She figured that fact would just lead to an unneeded argument. Irvine (and a good portion of Garden's male population) still harbored resentment toward the man. Strangely, none of the girls could fathom the dislike of the poor chef, as he always seemed so friendly and hospitable.
Irvine and Selphie had already finished their meals and were currently on the dance floor. Out of courtesy, they asked Rinoa and Squall if they would like to join. Everybody knew the answer to that was predetermined, but it was still polite to go through the motion. So now sorceress and knight sat together, both seemed to be concentrating on other things.
"Rin, you know if you want to go out there, it's fine. Don't stay here because of me."
"No, it's really okay…" She smiled looking at her boyfriend. "Did you ever think that it's because of you that I want to stay?"
He ran his hand through his hair nervously, as this was about as good at time as any for his surprise. If he waited any longer, he'd completely chicken out or as in Irvine's previous declarations 'chicken-wussed out.' Earlier, on his way back from the beach, the commander found himself walking by several of Dollet's more upscale merchants. Normally, he wouldn't have even turned his head, but apparently, Selphie and Rinoa's influence was stronger than he knew. From the corner of his eyes, he would glance in the windows of various shops. Unlike them, he didn't feel a need to stop or ogle at the vast amounts of useless merchandise.
One thing though, did catch his eye…
It was now or never, he reached in his pocket producing a small jewelry box. Rinoa had been momentarily distracted watching her friends on the dance floor. Squall wanted to get her attention, but didn't want to draw other's attention by doing so – yet again, another paradox only he could manage. Placing the box on the table, he slid it over to her wordlessly. It was now in front of her, but her eyes were fixated on the flashing strobe lights; again, he didn't know how to get her attention without looking like a total imbecile.
"Here," he said. He thought his attempt was loud enough, but apparently it failed. She hadn't turned to face him. He needed to approach this from another angle.
"Um…here," he said a little louder. Still nothing. Okay, this was cause for drastic measures.
"Happy very belated birthday," he said. It was loud enough to garner her attention and probably that of everybody in the large radius of their booth.
"Wha-?" she turned, looking at him in confusion.
Now that he had her full attention, he suddenly didn't want it. This relationship stuff just was never going to make sense in his mind. Feeling that familiar sense of unease creep up, he tried not to let his demeanor betray him.
"I know I didn't do much for your birthday…so thought that I would-" He stopped, glanced nervously toward the emergency exit. You know, he had done that 'exit thing' once before…then again, after that he just ended up grabbing her off the side of Garden. So in a way, it had come full circle, in a very strange, very unique, and slightly askew way of thinking. At least there were no Galbadian soldiers nearby, hopefully…
"Squall?" She questioned. He was acting very aloof, even for him.
Taking his index finger, he pushed the box closer to her. For the first time, she noticed the foreign object on the table. She questionably glanced between him and the container unsure where to settle her eyes. For that brief second, (and it was oh so brief) she thought it was a ring box, but then the realization, and her stupidity, dawned on her. It was a flatter design and from the boxes she had seen for rings, they were in no way similar. She wondered what his reaction would have been if she had told him that brief and fleeting thought; he'd probably run out of the restaurant in utter terror. She had seen glancing at an emergency exit when they first walked in, and knowing Squall, he had already contemplated that action.
"It's just something small… I didn't really get you anything nice for your birthday."
"You did," she tried to reason. "Squall, you bought me several things. You'll never know how much I love that hairclip. It's beautiful."
"I know, but I just randomly picked things out. I just felt that well…"
"Squall, listen to me." She reached over the table, placing her hand with his. He didn't pull away, and honestly, she couldn't gauge his response. "If you think you needed to get me something else, because of what Irvine did for Selphie… we're not them."
"I know that. I just wanted to get you something."
Rinoa smiled, giving his hand a squeeze. "You know that it's perfectly all right if you just want to get me something for no reason. Not everything in this world has to have reason."
Maybe she hit on what was bothering him now. He wasn't in the habit of buying presents for people, let alone buying something spur of the moment - something without reason. But that was his point; he did have a reason, just one he hadn't understood, because he simply wanted to.
This time he was the one to give her hand a small squeeze. "All right, how about I was walking by a store and saw something that I wanted to get you?"
She wasn't sure why he stated it as a question, but she left that alone. His uncertainty was rather refreshing, given that today he had been the voice of reason and strength. It was good to know they both had their strengths and weaknesses, they counter-balanced one another. Reaching down, she picked up the small box. She found herself strangely nervous.
It then dawned on her just how much of a momentous occasion this was, no matter what was inside. His history of gift-giving was minute, at best. Beside her birthday presents, the mug from Trabia, the shirt she 'borrowed,' and well...the ring she also technically borrowed, he really hadn't given anything to anybody.
This suddenly put a lot of pressure on her, though she couldn't figure out why.
Nervously, she opened the gift. It was a beautiful pair of aquamarine earrings; she could tell they were expensive, though the price was not an issue with her. At all. It was all the thought behind the act, and right now, the thought was all she cared about.
"They're beautiful… I love them."
"I know aquamarine is your birthstone and you like blue anyhow…. So, yeah... they're earrings."
She couldn't help but giggle at that brilliant statement. She hadn't meant to, but his pointing out the obvious when flustered was something she wouldn't have expected out of him a year ago.
"Yes, they are earrings," she restated with small laugh.
She closed the box, holding it closely to her heart. "You know, it seemed this weekend was all about me trying new things and getting past certain fears. Now, I realize it's about both of us doing that. You just being here with me… I know what it means. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Now," Rinoa said scooting closer, "your turn to get past another fear."
She reached over brushing the hair from his face. It wasn't really bothering her, it just kept her fingers occupied, plus it gave her the excuse to physically make contact. Leaning to him, she gave him a kiss, half wondering if he would reciprocate. He didn't do well at public displays of affection, although they were still somewhat hidden.
To her delight, and slight surprise, he kissed her back. It really was a weekend to try new things.