VINNIE:
I can't believe my hair is STILL blue. I thought you said you could get it all out, Mom!
KATE:
Sorry, dear. I tried my hardest, but the dye stayed in really well.
BUZZ:
You still look like a pirate. Hey, Kevin! Grab the seltzer water!
KEVIN (With a squirt bottle):
Howdy, clowny!
(He spritzed her.)
VINNIE:
Ugh! Mom!
KATE:
You boys need to behave yourselves today. Speaking of which, I heard that Kevin asked to give a presentation on how babies are made yesterday. Apparently Buzz told him how..?
BUZZ:
He asked, Mom.
KEVIN:
Did not.
BUZZ:
Did too!
KEVIN:
Did not—oh wait I did.
PETER (Coming into the room):
Just stop arguing boys. You need to get your shoes on or you'll be late for school!
(The kids all put their shoes on and grabbed their bags, then headed to school.)

LATER THAT DAY. UNCLE FRANK IS ON THE PORCH SMOKING A CIGAR WHEN JEFF COMES OUT AND SITS NEXT TO HIM.)
JEFF:
Hey, Uncle Frank?
UNCLE FRANK:
Yes, Jeff? What do you want?
JEFF:
How do you get a girlfriend?
UNCLE FRANK:
Hm… that's a tough one. You gotta really pay attention to what the lady you're after likes.
JEFF:
Okay. So everyone in my school is like, obsessed with looks.
UNCLE FRANK:
That's every school, kid.
JEFF:
So then that's the first step? Looking good?
UNCLE FRANK (Nodding):
Yes. You'd best look around in your father's closet and see if there's anything there for you to wear.
JEFF:
I can do that?
UNCLE FRANK:
Of course. Everyone steals their parents clothes. Sometimes it backfires, but most of the time you get really good classic stuff.
JEFF:
Thanks, Uncle Frank!
(Jeff ran upstairs to his Dad's closet, then started rummaging around, looking for the best thing for him to wear. Eventually he stumbled upon a really cool looking leather jacket and pulled it off of the hanger. He stood in front of the mirror, nodding approvingly.)
JEFF:
I am hot!
(He goes downstairs into the living room, then shows off his "new" leather jacket. His siblings look at it funny, and his mother gasps.)
KATE:
Jeff! Did you take that from your father's closet? Oh, of course you did! Go put it back right this instant!
JEFF (Sighing):
All right, Mom.
(He went upstairs and put it back. However, he was not finished. That jacket had not seen the last of him.)

(THE NEXT MORNING AT BREAKFAST.)
KATE:
Oh, no. Morning sickness!
(She put a hand over her mouth and dashed out of the room. Jeff knew this was the perfect opportunity for him. As he stood up and slipped out of the room, he watched Aunt Leslie sit on the couch on a lump which was so obviously a whoopee cushion. The noise proved him right.)
(Jeff ran into his dad's closet, then grabbed the jacket, put it on and ran off to school.)

(AT SCHOOL.)
(Jeff was wearing the leather jacket, and as he had hoped, the ladies were flocking all around him. Eventually he retreated to his locker to get his school books, where he placed his hands in his pockets briefly. He felt something inside, and pulled it out. There was a picture of his parents kissing, and it looked like they were in eighth grade. At first he thought it was cute, then he gagged.)
JEFF:
Parents aren't supposed to do that!
KATE (Walking up):
And kids aren't supposed to steal parents' things. Take it off, Jeff.
JEFF:
But it's the beginning of January! I'll freeze.
KATE (Smiling):
Then we'll trade.
(She took off her big fur coat, then proceeded to remove "his" leather jacket and put it on herself. Everyone in the halls started snickering.)
KATE:
See you at dinner, honey.
(As if to reinforce her point, she gave Jeff a big kiss on the cheek before striding out of the building as if she had done nothing at all.)
(Jeff was blushing hard, and tried not to notice everyone staring at him. He had learned his lesson.)