A/N: IT WON'T STOP MAKE IT STOP! And somehow it became Cade… sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Changing rating to M.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
You stumble through the door of your house smelling of sweat and blood. Habitually going to the bathroom instead of to your room because as much as you want to sleep. You have to get cleaned up first. As the water runs filling the tub, you look in the mirror. Your eyes are laced with guilt and pain… and something else, you could never be sure what that was.
You don't know why you let her do it, you don't know why you keep going back, this will be the last time. You tell yourself this, the words echoing back in your mind and mocking you because you know they're lies. Just a few among many, so many that sometimes you forget what is real and what is not. You have told yourself these many times, every time, but you can't stop. The bath is done, you get in. Not bothering to get out of your clothes.
You can't think when she's around, something about her just makes them stop, and you can't help but want to make her proud of you. To say the words in your ear. Something you never got at home. The approval in her eyes when you do or say something right, you love it as much as the way she hurts you. Masochist, she sometimes whispers to you. She tells you how much you love it. And you do. There was a time back near when she started hurting you when you had wondered if that was learned or you were born with it. But she had been quite clear that it was part of you. And when it hurts, only if it's her doing it, it feels like ecstasy. She treats you like a toy but you can't stop. After all you deserve it after what you've done.
She's like an addiction.
You tried once to stop, when she let you go. That month left scars on you wrists. You don't know if it was a fit of compassion or if she was just bored and wanted to know what would happen. For a couple of days you had felt relief, guilt, and hurt. You couldn't help but wonder what you had done to deserve it. You wanted her back, three years of being together and it had felt like something was ripped out of you when she wasn't around. You began cutting just to feel like you were alive again. She called your phone and you dropped everything to go. She wasn't happy when she found out, that night had not been pretty.
The problem is, you want so badly to stop. But you can't. You would do anything for her because you love her and you hate that she knows that. Or at least as much as she can comprehend, but you're not as broken as she thinks. Or maybe you are and you're just not as stupid. You can put a word to it, an emotion. It's twisted and cruel but you love her. And that's just your life isn't it. Just some black comedy for her to laugh at.
You want to stop. You've tried to stop. But no matter how much you want to, at the end of it, you'll do whatever she wants.
Because you love her.