Chapter Thirteen: Vis-à-Vis
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Vis-à-Vis: [ˈvēz-ə-ˈvē, ˌvēs] - French
(-adverb, -adjective.) face to face;
(-preposition) in relationship to; compared with;
(-noun) a person face to face with or situated opposite to another;
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July 19th 12:01am
The commander walked down the corridor towards his apartment. In his hands he carried a large paper bag, two cups, and the rolled up edition of Timber Maniacs. Because of time constraints, he had to move quickly after calling Rinoa from the office. The cafeteria had pretty much been scavenged by last minute hungry students – so desperate times called for desperate measures.
Squall would probably regret his decision in the long run but, for now, it seemed the best course of action. As this had happened more than once, he mentally chided himself for not stocking his own kitchen with something remotely edible. This wasn't his first 'emergency' when it came to offering a meal although, last time, it had been during lunch and thankfully he had tinfoil-wrapped leftovers.
If he were to combine his last attempt at being a rather pathetic host with his tendency to skip meals during work hours – one would expect that he would be an expert in contingency planning. He should have an entire grocery store stocked in his pantry by now, but that was just another question to resolve the future… and the bigger question, why the hell did he have a pantry anyhow?
As he turned the final corner towards his apartment, he could see Rinoa leaning against the wall. She was wearing a mint-green pair of shorts and a coordinating t-shirt; her hair pulled into a high ponytail. It looked like an outfit she might have worn to sleep in, but that more adventurous part of his mind wanted to believe she wore something less conservative in that situation. It was probably just something she had thrown on after getting out of bed…
Of course, this begged the important question: what did she sleep in? He silently cursed himself for letting those thoughts enter his mind – that was certainly not the line of thinking he needed right now.
He could see that her arms were folded defensively across her chest; he had been met with this stance often. Fortunately for him, he had always seemed to end up getting her to open up, as ironic as that seemed. For that he had to thank Garden's classes on the proper procedures for interrogation and reading the subtle hints of body language. Years ago, he would have never guessed that the knowledge would be useful on deciphering his girlfriend's many moods, yet another turn of fate in his life.
Rinoa casually tried to look the opposite direction and pretended not to notice his presence. Her attempts at 'being upset' greatly amused him; he just couldn't outwardly let onto that fact. That would probably just add much fuel to the unwanted fire.
Squall noticed that she had tried to cover the fact that she had looked, but he had caught sight of her not-so-stealthy-peeking. Still, he betrayed no outward emotion as he stood beside to her.
"Rinoa," he stated dryly.
"Squall." Her voice was equally as noncommittal.
Walking up, he nodded towards the door. "Well, now that we've made formal introductions – can I get little help?"
"I don't exactly have a key," she answered pointedly, finally looking toward him.
To her surprise, he leaned down and gave her a quick kiss on the lips, softly instructing, "Don't be difficult."
To her surprise, he stayed uncomfortably close - his mouth teasingly near and his proximity made her extremely nervous. The sorceress realized that keeping up her angry farce was quickly being shot to hell. Of course, she surmised that was exactly the result he was hoping for. Squall Leonhart could be so damn infuriating when he wanted to be. The 'not-so-small-fact' that he was wearing his uniform also made him seem even more imposing. No, it wasn't his formal SeeD wear, but even the light blue ones looked damn good on him.
"Fine," she finally replied, narrowing her eyes at him.
Okay, maybe she was still trying to be slightly difficult as there was some sort of principle at stake after all. To silence further protesting, he gave her another quick peck all the while again trying not to show his amusement at her behavior. For as little as he knew about relationships, common sense told him that antagonizing the situation would not end well.
"Good," he replied finally, allowing a thin smile to grace his lips.
Again, he made a motion toward the door. Defeated, she moaned taking the two cups from his hands. He didn't say another word as he reached into his pocket and retrieved his keycard. Opening the door, he remained ever the gentleman by stepping to the side and allowing her to enter first.
Rinoa walked by, eying him with a fair amount of suspicion. Under normal circumstance, the commander would have been more concerned about rules, regulations, and accountability than well…whatever this was.
As she headed toward the kitchen counter, Rinoa found that her skepticism had already multiplied tenfold; the more she tried to make sense of this, the less logical this all seemed. She decided it was best to wait for him rather than bombarding with questions. So, setting the cups down, she rested her elbows on the counter, clasped her hands together, and then finally rested her head on them. She was determined to wait patiently or rather act the part - but she so wished he would hurry up. How long did it take to close the damn door anyhow?
Still leaning on the counter, she watched as he finally walked by - her eyes slowly tracing the path of his body's every movement. Casually, he set both the bag and the magazine on the countertop. He shrugged off his jacket as quickly as possible, placing it next to the other items.
Again, the passing silence did nothing to ease her nerves and neither did the fact that he had decided to start undressing, well, sort of... She tried not to act mesmerized as he undid the top few buttons his shirt, just to the point where his chain was visible around his neck. She traced a path from his collar bone to the top of his chest and truly found herself in awe… That was until a part of her brain remembered that a significant portion of the world's population was most likely doing the same; at least her version was quite real and very three-dimensional, better than any printed magazine cover.
Then, to Rinoa's shock, he walked behind her and encircled his arms around her waist. Standing upward, she involuntary flinched at the unexpected contact. That certainly was not the gesture she had anticipated, but then again, nothing of this night had been expected.
Battling within herself, she again wanted to ask what this whole thing was about – why was she at his place anyhow? It was certainly going to be after curfew, if it wasn't already, and she knew how much credence he put into obeying the rules. Even if every other student found a way to circumvent them, he had always seemed duty-bound to set the perfect example.
Most importantly, what led to this major turnaround from forty-five minutes ago?
She knew if she asked, she could possibly ruin this moment and from her perspective, it seemed to be a very, very perfect moment.
Before the sorceress could contemplate further, she could feel the warm sensation of his breath; it whispered into her ear although not one word was said. He placed a light kiss on her neck as he nuzzled next to her. Unconsciously, she found herself leaning her back against his chest - even now he commanded silent control. Again she found herself following his lead as he reached for her left hand and interlocked their fingers.
However, the biggest surprise was yet to come.
Rinoa felt something being placed into her right hand. It was something familiar. It felt identical to something she, and every other person at Garden, used daily. In fact, she had used hers only a few minutes before his call to meet with him. So, in this case, it wasn't the 'what' that was important; she was already quite aware of what it was – it was the 'why.'
…And on that account, she was utterly clueless as she looked at the keycard resting in her hand.
"Take this," Squall whispered softly.
He already knew that any trace of her being upset was lost within her confusion.
As if responding to her unspoken question of 'why,' he simply answered, "Next time you can open the door."
Her mind raced when the fact that he was serious started to sink in. Earlier, when she had mockingly stated that she 'didn't have a key,' this honestly wasn't her intent. Ever. Nor did she ever mean to imply anything along these lines.
He knew that she was speechless, however, he was not. Squall found the need to clarify a very important detail about this 'transaction.'
"Rinoa, it's just for emergencies – not because you feel the need to take a long bubble bath, okay?"
Her fingers gently wrapped around the plastic card as she fought against the uncertainty. It was that lingering disbelief that finally made her break away. She needed to face him, to make sure this was truly what he wanted and not some reaction to counter their exchange in his office. Once again, her eyes traveled to his, as she tried to search for an explanation in vain.
Her voice was nothing more than a nervous whisper. "Squall?"
He shook the question off by taking a few steps back.
In the blink of an eye, he had become completely overwhelmed by this entire exchange. He suddenly felt like an emotional coward, but there were some truths that he wasn't ready to face head-on. It was one thing to hold her in his arms, handing her the key as her back rested against him, but it reached an entirely different emotional apex the moment their eyes locked.
Maybe if he gave her a reason, any reason, she would let it drop. "Look, I have a master keycard, so it seems fair in the long run. Plus next time when I'm walking down the hallway with my hands full… well, problem solved. That's all."
Somewhere inside, she wanted to question him deeper but her mind was still at a loss. Rinoa couldn't help her baffled look as she slipped the card into her pocket. It was times like this when she had to remind herself to take his gesture at face value; to push any further always proved counterproductive. It was also times like this that he would begin to open up, but she realized he had decided to shut down just as quickly.
She might not always understand his actions but, she always understood they had meant something – even if he was the only one to know what the 'meaning' was.
She felt bad as he awkwardly tried to focus his attention elsewhere. She understood both Squall's reluctance and his desire to open up; at times, more than he even understood the two conflicting ideals. Experience had also taught her that he was most likely replaying giving her the keycard in his head. Right now, he was thinking, most likely over-thinking, exactly what his spontaneity had done or moreover implied. She knew him well enough to let the entire subject rest…at least, for now.
Playing the gift off, she forced a smile placing the card in her pocket. "Thank you…really. Um, yeah, and I promise no random bubble baths…at least while you're not here."
Well, okay, her attempt at casual acceptance apparently fell flat.
Squall looked as if he was going to say something but then decided against it. When the growing awkwardness continued, Rinoa pointed to the items on the counter desperately hoping for a change of topic.
"So, what's all this anyhow?"
He fell back into a more disciplined role and as if explaining to a newly-enrolled cadet, he systematically pointed to each item explaining, "The first object is a jacket, a very uncomfortable one at that. That particular uniform is issued to both cadets and SeeDs alike. They are disturbed yearly, but are a pain in the ass and, for a matter of public record, are dry clean only…."
Pausing just enough for her to witness the briefest of smiles, he the firmly continued, "That is a brown paper bag – 'paper' commonly being derived from the pulp of trees. And a 'bag' is generally used to hold several items in a convenient manner. Next, the two tall, cylindrical objects are designed for the sole purpose of holding liquids. I believe these particular ones are made from some heavy, waxy type paper. Finally, the flat book-like thing with several pages stapled together is a magazine. Anymore questions?"
Her mouth fell open at his answer, "Now look who's being difficult. I'm glad you've mastered the art of sarcasm."
Squall shrugged indifferently. "I've always been sarcastic. It's just the saying-it-out-loud part that has taken some adjustment."
He had said it with such a straight-faced expression that she nearly started laughing. The saddest part of his admission - was that it was most likely the truth.
This night was certainly turning out to be…bizarre to say the very least.
She was able to hold her composure, mirroring with her own stoic expression. "I suppose your assessment of the objects on the counter and your abilities at sarcasm are both correct. In regards to the latter point, I seem to recall a specific incident when your sarcasm first reared its ugly head. The day you, Squall Leonhart, gave me, your valued client, a tour of Balamb Garden…"
Taking a step away from the counter, she slowly started circling around him; her hands clasped loosely behind her back – this was her own, uniquely original, version of a military interrogation.
Passing by again, she looked up at him sternly. "Do you remember that day?"
"I have no such recollection of any such events," he stated firmly, crossing his arms.
"Really?"
The young sorceress raised an eyebrow and looked at him poignantly, before shaking her head in disbelief. With that, she continued her path around him.
"All right then, Commander Leonhart…let me state some facts to refresh your memory. I, Rinoa Heartilly, found that the door to your dorm was unlocked. In the name of safety, I decided to make sure that you were unharmed and took it bravely upon myself to check on your wellbeing. At such time, when it was established that you were not in any immediate danger, I requested a tour of Balamb Garden. To which, I believe, you willingly and joyfully accepted with a spring in your step and song in your heart…"
She paused, before teasingly correcting herself, "Okay those last sentiments may be a slight bit embellished on my end, but that's how I'm going to retell it years in the future. Nonetheless, at some particular junction on the tour, we – employee and employer - found ourselves standing together in the infirmary. However, fate interjected and we found ourselves not alone but, more specifically, with one Dr. Kadowaki. Said doctor then asked if I, Rinoa Elizabeth Heartilly, was your girlfriend… does this scenario ring any bells?"
This time, when she circled between him and the counter, he caught her off guard. With the given opportunity, he was able to block her movement, thus stopping her dead in her tracks. He then maneuvered his body, making for damn sure that she was pinned between him and the countertop; his arms firmly placed on either side of her, acting as if their own form of restraints.
"Squall Leonhart, Commander Balamb Garden, ID number 41269."
She bit her lip feeling extremely uncomfortable, but she wasn't about to surrender the balance of power that easily. The Commander of Balamb Garden knew exactly what he was doing and, in all honesty, it was quite infuriating. Only a few minutes ago, they were in an almost identical position…not that she minded, but this time, she was going to stand her ground.
"Name, rank, and serial number aren't going to get you out of answering this one… Anyway, Dr. Kadowaki asked if I was your girlfriend and you replied with a blatant 'yes.' I then asked you if you were serious and you stated 'yes' yet again – only to later announce that you were, and I quote, 'seriously joking.' Does that sound familiar?"
"Sorry, it's the GFs. They made me forget," he said, his voice soft yet husky. He purposely pressed his body forward, pinning her closer to the counter.
Rinoa tried helplessly to swallow as her mouth became uncomfortably parched. She wondered how long she could keep up this pretense; he was purposely turning the interrogation around on her. His proximity was damn near akin to torture. Without Rinoa realizing, her tongue ran along her upper lip. Their eyes were locked into an intense gaze and neither withdrew from the battle at hand.
It appeared that they had reached a stalemate, both refusing to relinquish unspoken power by admitting defeat. Her subconscious action of licking her lips and had not gone unnoticed by him. Truthfully, he found himself intrigued, but this wasn't a time to show weakness, no matter how much he wanted to give in.
Rinoa would be the first to yield to the silence, calling him out on his last claim. "So, it was the GFs? Let me be clear, that is the story you're sticking with?"
Now it was her turn to be slightly more adventurous, he had already made his move. She raised both hands, freeing them from their makeshift barrier. He didn't try to stop her, but he certainly held his ground in all other aspects. A mischievous smile graced her lips as she wrapped her arms around him before placing her hands firmly on either of his shoulders.
As she continued to interrogate, she furthered her boldness and both of her hands trailed slowly down his back. "Commander Leonhart, I find it convenient that you not only haven't even junctioned a GF since Ultimecia, but you have openly stated that some childhood memories are beginning to resurface. So, while everyone else around you can clearly recall things from last year, you manage to selectively forget only certain events."
Her palms had now traveled almost forcefully down his back. In another moment of inspired bravery, she continued downward until her hands rested on either side of his upper thighs. The sorceress found herself fighting against wayward thoughts. It seemed that their current proximity encouraged her more than normal.
Narrowing her eyes, she once again tried to feign her anger. "These 'so-called' memory lapses, by the way, seem to inexplicably revolve around our conversations…and you expect me to believe this? Not to mention, you've all ready used that excuse on me back at the orphanage. I didn't buy it then and I really don't buy it now."
It was his turn to pretend to be 'shocked' at the revelation. "Really? I thought I was rather convincing on both accounts. I bought it."
Since the moment he saw her standing in the hall, Squall had no idea what had come over him; this hadn't been his intention at all. He had called her to see if she had been upset, to see if Quistis had been right. It only took the first few seconds to see that the instructor had understood the situation better than he had.
But how it had gone from offering a late meal, to being entangled in a rather intimate position, he had no clue….
It seemed that his pent-up stress was manifesting itself and he was channeling everything into this encounter. Over the months, he had been finding it increasingly difficult to repress certain desires and whatever tonight was – was different for him. There was also a part of him that enjoyed seeing her flustered and feeling her body react like this...
Next to him. Speechless and stunned.
He would never use the word 'timid' to describe his girlfriend, yet that was the only adjective he could use as he purposely hadn't responded to her question. The longer he remained silent, the more he could sense her both discomfort and awkwardness – whether it was due to proximity or their bond he wasn't sure but it was strangely empowering.
Then again, how could he use the word timid when her fingers were pressing into his hips?
Squall was close enough that he could feel the tempo of her heart increase with every passing moment. There had always been so much emotional self-doubt that he never thought anyone would react this way with him, to him – and truly mean it. This wasn't based on his looks, or SeeD position, or even an ideal created over time, but this was based on every flaw and every aspect of his being.
With his newfound revelations, he finally decided to relieve her anxiety.
He would offer the truth and never back down, in spite of lingering fears. He had pretty much disregarded all the norms of accepted personal space and he wasn't backing down.
"I, Squall Leonhart, recall the incident you are referring to in the infirmary. First, for the sake of clarity, your recollection about my willingness to take you on the tour differs greatly from mine… I am certain that there was no skipping or singing on my part, but I digress. As for the 'girlfriend' comment in the infirmary, it was said, at the time, solely to annoy you. On the day in question, no, I did not think of you as my girlfriend nor did I honestly believe it would turn out like this."
He could feel her body flinch at the words, but paid it no regard. Purposefully, he moved one hand up the length of her arm; his fingertips traced their way to her shoulder, softly brushing now sensitive skin along the way.
"However, I found out that you don't annoy or give up as easily as I'd hoped and, trust me, I tried like hell to shake you at first. You are, in fact, quite persistent - even when I didn't want you to be…and sometimes when I did but, you'll never hear me admit to that fact. The GFs may have attributed to my childhood memory loss – some temporary and some possibly permanent. But I did, and still do, remember everything since that first night in the ballroom… So, you do have me on those points, I apologize."
His right hand now traveled up to her neck, before finally cupping her cheek. He softly ran his thumb teasingly making small circles covering her chin and her lower lip. He edged her face closer, so that he was now speaking into her ear as their bodies rested together.
"And, for a matter of public record you, Rinoa Heartilly, as of this date are my girlfriend – seriously, no joking. It doesn't matter what others say or what's printed in a magazine. If you want, I'll march downstairs right now and tell Dr. Kadowaki this very significant and very true fact….but if I do, then our dinner will get even colder than it already is. Do you really want cold hot dogs?"
"Cold hot dogs?" she managed still flabbergasted; the sensation of his breath was still sending tingles throughout her entire body.
His acknowledgment had been a single nod; Rinoa could feel his answer rather than see it as the side of his face gently brushed against hers. She couldn't believe how this night had been so amazing. He was so sweet, yet his demeanor seemed to hold that same firm, determined SeeD resolve that she had always been drawn to. No matter what, he usually appeared to be in control and right now, she gained much from his strength.
Nervously, she bit her lip as the choice was decisively, and very purposely, left up to her. "Um, no, Squall, you don't have to go tell her. I'm sure Dr. Kadowaki has figured it out somewhere along the line."
"Good," he stated playfully as he pulled away. "Now, if I could only say the same for you… we wouldn't be in this position, would we?"
Smirking triumphantly, he walked past her acting as if her presence was merely an obstacle to walk around. She stood shocked as he left her resting against the counter for support. It appeared that he had transformed back into his normal self, every trace of their encounter completely erased.
His statement had been said rhetorically, but it also contained the hint of lecture if you knew how to read between the lines and she very well did in this case. Most likely, it had been a subtle indication for his reason in calling, but that realization hadn't dawned upon her yet; her mind was still wrapped around their rather heated exchange and his now apparent minor victory of the night. Still, she dared to admit to herself that there were some major baser instincts at play and rather equally from both parties involved.
Looking at him, he was certainly covering well. Outwardly, he purposely acted as if their proximity had, indeed, been no big deal.
Turning around to face him, she finally managed a confused, "…What was that?"
"Well, first that was me trying to get it through your head that I'm your boyfriend, no matter what anyone else thinks. Also, I never had any intention of going to the infirmary to clarify my position with the doctor - no matter the outcome to your protest. It was you that needed the clarification all along, so I think we rather succeeded there, right?"
At this point, she was honestly trying to get her heart rate back down into a more medically accepted level. A few minutes ago, she was rather upset with him going as far as trying to outwardly avoid eye contact, but her anger too apparently had manifested in a quite unexpected way. Somehow, in the midst of all this, the two had managed to share one their most sexually-charged encounters - one without any substantial contact, or even a single meeting of their lips. It was a new and unexpected experience; it was oddly welcome but her mind was still trying to process these facts.
"You're right," she admitted hesitantly. From the second she had read the article, she had felt this odd jealousy. It couldn't really be explained, but neither could the way he had handled the situation.
"Really, these hot dogs seem a little cold and may need to be reheated. 'Cold hot dogs' is an oxymoron which could make Zell start questioning the ways of the universe… although I did hear him say the word 'dogcicle.' I'm just hoping that was figurative and not literal. He's probably still upset about having to dive into his hot dog stockpile. The guy apparently hoards a freezer full – to have him part with a few basically cost me my soul…"
Yet again, his entire demeanor seemed unnaturally calm. His focus had already turned toward preparing the food. She thought that outwardly he tried to play it off as another interrogation, another mission, but inwardly she had her doubts. She would leave that discovery for another time.
"So these hot dogs cost your soul, huh?" Rinoa laughed nervously, as she tried to focus on the dinner.
"Well, maybe not my soul per se, but several hundred Gil," he corrected as he unwrapped them from the foil. "Oh, and if that wasn't enough, I also agreed to keep him company when he goes to gather Cactuar thorns. So, yeah, basically my soul, my pride, and the horrific realization that he intentionally picked me as company."
"Yeah, poor guy he must be desperate," she playfully added with a wink.
Even though she thoroughly enjoyed their earlier closeness, there was a beautiful comfort found in between these moments. They were both at ease with one another and she truly could feel both their bond and their relationship growing.
Reaching into the refrigerator, he looked back over his shoulder bluntly stating, "All those years of convincing people I'm unapproachable has been shot to hell, I blame you. And for ruining my life's work, you can grab plates from the cupboard. It's the second one from the right."
"You truly are a meanie," she teased.
As she turned around reaching for the cabinet, she had to ask, "Were you serious about Zell stockpiling hot dogs? Please tell me that's a gross exaggeration…or some figure of speech from Balamb that I'm not aware of."
"No, I'm pretty sure it means the same thing in Galbadia as it does here – Zell has serious issues regarding meat byproducts. On general principle, I don't ask him about his hobbies and he doesn't ask me about mine."
Rinoa opened the cabinet door and grabbed two plates, ironically the exact amount he appeared to have owned. Scanning the shelves, she noted that the entire contents were: one cup, four coffee mugs, a small pitcher, and to her confusion, two gravy boats – one was even sterling silver.
Closing the door, she questionably looked towards him, "Speaking of hobbies, why do you have two gravy boats and only cup? That is…odd."
"Commander's Day gifts," he replied dryly. "Plus the boats double as bowls. And for clarity's sake, there is currently a cup by the side of my bed, so I'm not quite as destitute as you may believe."
Inwardly, she took a deep, cleansing breath and decided to let the subject rest. Apparently, his desire to be sarcastic still seemed to be in full force. She had come to understand that Squall's sarcastic remarks in the past had been a defense mechanism. Before, others may have misconstrued his attitude as spiteful or cynical – she had believed the same at one time. He had earlier clarified that this had been an ongoing thing with him for a long time; he just didn't always voice his comments. She loved the fact that he showed this side of him to her, even if it was intentionally done to annoy her in the past.
Her guess – he also very much did it to annoy her in the present too. She wouldn't change a thing.
Over the next few minutes, they had gathered everything and even reheated the hot dogs. Eventually, they finally made their way into his living room. Squall grabbed a spare sheet from his linen closet, spreading it like picnic cloth across the floor. They both were seated on it now complete with the hot dogs, plates, and their drinks resting over to their side.
However, even as sweet as this gesture had been, Rinoa found herself ridiculously tense – his lack of furniture and wall-to-wall off-white carpet made her extremely nervous. So much so that she refused to use either ketchup or mustard…or any other colored condiment.
This night was turning out nothing like she had pictured. When she was waiting in line earlier with Selphie, this was not the evening she thought ahead of her…
…It was so much better.