Chapter Fourteen: Ex Post Facto
-o-o-o-
ex post fac·to (-adjective) -Latin
1. from or by subsequent action; subsequently; retrospectively; retroactively.
2. having retroactive force; made or done subsequently.
-o-o-o-
July 19th 1:04am
She had completely stressed herself out.
It was ridiculous. It was awkward. It was embarrassing beyond all words, but most importantly, it was all over a damned hot dog. Rinoa had never been so self-conscious about eating before, which was saying a lot given the amount of 'black-tie' affairs she had been dragged to in her lifetime.
Her nerves had already been frayed over the mere thought of staining Squall's carpet, but now those nerves had inadvertently come face-to-face with another deadly enemy – silence. Ambient sound was something she had taken for granted during the umpteen-thousand meals they shared at the cafeteria, but now with solitude came silence. Unfortunately, the radio and small television he owned were both in the bedroom; it would have least served as some background noise. Then again, this probably was the norm for him…
For the past few minutes, the only sound she could hear was the sound of her own chewing. Whether she really was chewing that loudly or whether it was just resonating because of awareness, she hesitated to venture that guess. The only thing Rinoa knew for certain was that she was alone with her boyfriend for the first time after curfew and her foremost thought was if she chewed too many times. Seriously, if she stopped to think about it - how ridiculous had she made this situation?
Her memories flashed to one of those educational films that they showed during her primary years of school. She could vividly picture the scenario in her head – a set of animated, talking teeth lecturing about the importance of a bite's size and counting the amount of times one chewed. In everyday life who actually thought about these things before finally swallowing? Sadly, today that person was her because here she was fixated on the subject.
"Would you like something else?"
His voice cut through the silence and made her involuntarily tense. She laughed nervously, thankful that although they shared some empathic connections, direct mind reading was not among them.
"Um, no, I'm fine." Rinoa offered a faint smile as she reached for a napkin to wipe her hands. "Sorry, you just startled me."
"I know how the over-thinking thing can be. I'm kind of an expert in that department. Anything specific?"
"No, no, nothing," she said a little too hastily.
Squall raised an eyebrow and looked at her skeptically but decided it better to let the subject matter rest. Rinoa already seemed a tad bit uncomfortable and there was no need in magnifying or agitating the situation further. He gave a simple nod and went back to focusing on his food. Right now, Squall couldn't help but think he had made a huge mistake, which basically had manifested itself by his lack of conversation. Not that his absence of words was groundbreaking by any means, quite the contrary, but the longer he sat, the longer he had time to reevaluate his rather brash actions.
He knew this meal couldn't last forever, but under the circumstances, he wished it would miraculously stretch until morning. He wouldn't say he was purposely eating slowly but he also wouldn't say that he was in any great rush to finish. From the way she was acting, he wondered if she felt the same. It was on exceptionally rare occasions like this that he wished he could get a glimpse into her mind, if only briefly, to make sure they were on the same page.
Soon after they had first started eating, it hit him that he hadn't planned this night all the way through, which was quite unlike him. He wasn't often spontaneous and this just proved why; there was something to be said about the security of planning in detail. In his haste to extort hotdogs from Zell, he hadn't considered this evening anything but a way to clear the air with her. Still, all and all, he was glad that she was there. A more mischievous side was also thankful for their earlier 'counter encounter.' He was surprised to find there was something liberating about taking charge and letting down that protective guard. There was also a curious fascination in watching her reactions when he had done so…
But when all was said and done there was only one major fact which remained: they were alone together – after curfew, in his apartment. It was the possible ramifications of this that lead to his current confusion.
The commander had always prided himself in maintaining a professional decorum whenever possible, but that seemed to have been slipping as of late. For God's sake, he had just gotten off 'suspension' this morning and look how he ended bending the rules not even twenty-four hours later. Although having a non-student female in his apartment wasn't technically against the rules, it was greatly frowned upon and he highly doubted Cid would be pleased with his actions. He could already hear the headmaster lecturing him on appearance and morals. No matter how hard he tried, Squall constantly felt as if he was letting somebody down.
Tonight had just happened so quickly – the stress of work, Rinoa stopping by, the damned magazine, the comments by Quistis, and ultimately his overriding need to make everything right with his girlfriend. So now on top of trying to sort out this whole Timber Maniacs fiasco, he had to find a way to tactfully ask her to go back to her place.
People would gossip. It was a given.
Even though he knew nothing was going to happen between them tonight, there were probably very few who would think that. Then again, according to a vast majority, that bridge had been crossed long ago - not to mention the alleged catfights between Rinoa and Quistis, in the shower no less. He wondered how these things even came about in the first place. Hell, if he logged onto Garden Square right now the fact that she was even there most likely would've been the hot topic on the chat rooms.
The commander really hoped that the students had more self-restraint than that, but he honestly felt as if he was constantly living under a microscope. Even though all students showed respect to him as a leader and his skill as a SeeD, the same could not be said for Rinoa. He often was quietly in awe of her strength and her ability to shrug it off with a smile; he just hoped that smile would never fade because of a situation he put her in. Tomorrow would be about damage control and explanations, but one semi-minor-but-somehow-major problem at a time. Right now, it was about making it through tonight.
It wasn't long after that both finished their meal, which unfortunately led to even more awkwardness between them. It seemed as if both were waiting on the other to take the lead.
Rinoa apprehensively shifted in her seat waiting for something to happen, anything to happen; however, she did find one major plus with their current situation, well beside the obvious part of just being together. It was that they were pretty well confined, forcing them both to face their problems head-on. Although, if Squall were to describe this arrangement, he'd probably forgo the term 'confined' and flat out go with 'trapped' – this was most definitely a matter of perspective.
As the air grew more intense, Rinoa found herself drumming her fingernails against her empty plate, making a faint but rhythmic beat. It had been subconscious act at first, but given the deathly silence, the sound quickly filled the room. It had most likely been a minute or so and he still hadn't uttered a word. At the very least she figured that he would have grumbled about her annoying tapping. For her own sanity, she forced herself to stop at this point, which only lead to another round of silence. Inwardly, she wondered what had happened to that bold and forward persona of his from earlier.
Then again, two steps forward, one step back – that pattern was pretty much the mantra for their entire relationship.
"Squall, please don't think I don't appreciate anything you've done for me tonight… but what's all this really about?"
In all truthfulness, Rinoa was aware that she had asked a rather loaded question. Still, from the moment he had decided to dial her phone number, he had showed part of his hand - she just wanted to see what else was up his sleeve. Given that it was now well after midnight, she felt as if she had a right to give him a prod in this direction. If not, she seriously wondered if they would be silently sitting in the middle of his living room until sunrise.
He rubbed his neck, looking away. "I thought I knew, but it was then pointed out to me that maybe I didn't."
"What did I point out? I'm not exactly following…"
"Not you, Quistis."
"Um, what?" she said sharply. "Now I'm really not following."
He inadvertently let out a brash laugh as he realized how ridiculous that probably sounded – and for far more than one reason. Naturally, his unexpected reaction only added to her confusion.
"Rinoa, it's that Quistis-" He stopped as his eyes caught sight of the plate in her hand. "Hold on just a moment. Wait here."
Standing up, he reached down and grabbed the plate from her hands and then gathered his own. Without further word or explanation, the commander walked into the kitchen, placing the used dishes into the sink. She was half expecting him to wash them at once, as only Squall Leonhart would be that obsessed over the thought of dirty dishes inhabiting his apartment – boy did she ever hope that she was wrong. She was thankful when he immediately turned back around, but the relief was short-lived as he turned yet again and headed down the hallway. Her eyes followed in slight horror as he disappeared into the bedroom.
"Ahhggh," she groaned loudly, placing her hands over her face.
Rinoa wasn't sure what had been the main reason for her aggravation as there were several possible candidates. It could have been waiting in line on her 'girl's night out' with Selphie. It could have been the discovery of Squall's newly dubbed bachelor-king status. It possibly could have been his ridiculously clean wall-to-wall carpeting that she was quickly beginning to loath with an unbridled passion. Or maybe it was for a few other possible reasons - her own ineptitude to eat a hot dog, memories of talking animated teeth, or even the fact that somehow Quistis was mysteriously thrown into the mix. Of course her breaking point was his unexplained disappearing act into the bedroom. With her luck, the guy was checking his latest work emails or scrutinizing the performance of his stock in gunblade oil – that would seriously be the topper to this evening.
She was completely frustrated. This whole night had been a damned paradox - for every beautifully intimate moment like earlier, there were dozens more that were completely opposite. Over the last months her emotions felt as if they were tapped on a carousal - constantly going up and down, but all the while spinning in what felt like never-ending circles.
One step forward, two steps back…
As Squall walked into his bedroom, it suddenly dawned on him how Rinoa may have interpret his timing. There was a reason why he avoided personal interaction with others in this past – this. In his mind, his thought process made sense. It was quite often translating these thoughts that landed him in hot water; as one-word replies and cryptic answers served their purpose in the past with other people – but this was the present and Rinoa just wasn't 'other people.'
It started simply enough in his mind.
The chain of events made sense to him, but she was most likely left sitting on the floor clueless. Before he gotten up, he was going to begin explaining, but then that more detailed-orientated portion of his mind had taken control. Unfortunately, his less used socially-polite side forgot to play its part. It would have served him well to just mention that he was 'going to be right back and he just wanted to make her more comfortable.' Instead, his words sounded as if he had more-or-less just barked out an order to her.
In all honesty, he had realized that this conversation was most likely going to take awhile. The fact that she looked extremely tense caught his eye and the way she gripped her plate only emphasized this fact. Even though he had very little to offer, Squall always wanted her to feel comfortable at his place and sitting in the middle of the room on sheet was anything but.
There was a brief moment when he contemplated suggesting that they move to his bed, but their heated encounter from a few minutes ago was still fresh in his mind – and vividly so. He had a quick debate of conscience about what to do. The choices were simple: go in and lie on the bed or stay in there. He decided on the latter, although the former was honestly tempting - a little too tempting. The least he could do to make her a little more comfortable by grabbing pillows and a spare blanket from his closet.
As he carried the items back into the main room, he could see her silently mouth 'oh' to herself as if she suddenly understood his disappearance. There were just so many of these little aspects to a relationship that he still struggled with at times, but it was usually when he stopped thinking about them all together that everything became more natural.
As he walked by, he reached out to the small knob which dimmed the lights. Up until now, he thought that damn button was ridiculously frivolous, much like most of the small amenities in his apartment that he never intended to use. However he wouldn't say that the dimming feature seemed completely useless now, just mildly useless – much like him having a bathtub with massaging bubble jets, although Rinoa had enjoyed the tub, which made it well worth its value to both of them.
…Damn it, another vivid memory that he needed to push from his mind.
Walking by the counter, he willed himself to pick up the magazine that started this whole mess. The commander couldn't help the internal groan as he glanced down at the cover. Somehow seeing the shirtless picture of him again didn't make it any less upsetting. He doubted that sick feeling would be fading anytime soon.
Although it wasn't a flat-out apology, Squall offered an explanation. "Before we continued, I thought maybe you would like to get a little more comfortable."
"Thank you." She smiled sincerely, knowing exactly what he meant. However, she wasn't going to let it rest that easily, not until she said her piece. "Your hospitality is getting much better, Mr. Leonhart, but your timing still leaves a lot to be desired."
He crooked his head looking at her seriously. "Funny, you seemed to be desiring my timing earlier."
"Who said that I enjoyed or desired anything!" she demanded. It was quite true she did, but admitting that in this moment was entirely out of the question. Somehow he had once again managed to turn her own words against her; either he had a talent for doing that or she had a penchant for saying the wrong words.
Truthfully, Squall couldn't believe what he had just said so he tried to shrug it off by acting indifferently. He then tossed a pillow in her general direction, but being caught off guard, she didn't have enough time to react. In her massively failed attempt at catching, the pillow ended up bouncing off of her arms and smacking her in the face before finally falling to the floor.
"Impressive reflexes," he deadpanned, "and I'm even going to openly admit that I enjoyed that."
Almost inaudibly, she mumbled to herself and grabbed the pillow from the floor. Stretching out, she finally placed it back down with much emphasis. She really wasn't upset, but she could be overtly stubborn at times, this evening would prove no exception. After rolling onto her stomach, she glanced back as she propped herself up onto her elbows.
To her surprise she watched him kick off his shoes and he was honestly kicking them off. It was rather strange to see him shed that little bit of order; the move seemed like a typical reaction to the end of an overly tiring long day. Rinoa was amused by his momentary lapse into 'normalcy' as she tried to bite back a small laugh. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the fact that he had unbuttoned the top of his shirt. She tried to ignore how ridiculously sexy he was, especially because he certainly wasn't trying. Again, these were thoughts she wouldn't dare share, but at least they were a vast improvement from earlier.
Finally joining Rinoa on the floor, he laid on his side so he could face her. Never asking, he gently covered her with the blanket but purposely refrained from lying under it himself. Their eyes met and she wondered if it was going to be another deadlock born out of their stubbornness; thankfully, she didn't have to wonder for long.
"All right, my timing isn't the greatest. I got distracted, I'm sorry."
He then managed to completely catch her off guard as he leaned over and softly kissed her lips.
She smiled between small kisses. "Now, did that hurt to admit?"
"Yes."
Apparently, he was also going to be equally as stubborn this evening. She pulled away, rolling her eyes and collapsing back onto her pillow.
She sighed. "So want to tell me what you didn't know that you thought you knew?"
"I know I shouldn't understand what you just said, but I do."
He reached over, lazily brushing the hair from her face. It was odd, there was some part of him that had this desire to keep in contact with her, but he still found himself stopping from getting closer – at least for now.
"Rinoa, we look at things differently, which is both a positive and a negative. My first reaction to the magazine was likely not the same as yours. When I saw that picture I was pissed…well, okay we probably agreed on that point. It was more on the implied content of the article where we differed. What I'm trying to say is that fucking list or their use of the word bachelor doesn't mean a damned thing to me."
"Squall, you couldn't even get through that without cussing. I think that it meant at least a little something to you."
She had him there. "Fine, it irritated me slightly, but only after I read how ridiculously stupid it was. If it had been half-way serious, I wouldn't have cared, but that – how they can get away with that as journalism is beyond me."
"See, I knew you were upset. So you going to explain to me what Quistis has to do with this or would you rather me speculate?"
Even now there was an air of hesitancy surrounding that particular subject.
After their lunch months ago, the two women had come to a mutual understanding. But there was still a part of Rinoa that saw Quistis as everything she wasn't. As for Squall, some aspects of the past were hard to come to terms with and although she would always be one of his closest friends, there would always be this unseen barrier between them. It was a subject that most likely would fade with time, but right now it was still felt a little too fresh.
"She stopped by – my light was still on and she was dropping off something for the headmaster."
Squall wondered why he felt the need to justify Quistis being upstairs in the administrative offices, but for some reason he wanted Rinoa to know, even if just in passing. However, he was wisely going to leave out her comment about being 'first in line.'
"One of the first things out of her mouth was asking about you, and how you were handling the article. I was a little too focused on the interruption at first to get her meaning, but she does have this way of getting the point across. I guess what it boils down to is that I needed someone else to remind me how we tend to look at things. On the plus side, at least this time her point didn't take half of a semester to understand or involve a pop quiz."
"You're so horrible, Squall!" She reached out and flicked him on the shoulder playfully. "And don't count your Chocobos before they hatch. I'm not completely ruling out a quiz on the subject."
He shrugged although he was going to defend his earlier comment, Rinoa had no idea whatsoever of how mind-numbing the woman could be…
"Hey, she wasn't your teacher. I'm just saying – she's good but there are limits to what one's brain can handle. Ask her about the mechanics of junctioning elementally-based magic… You should plan on blocking a week off your calendar if she forgoes the detail - a month if she doesn't. Only then can you tell me how horrible I am," he said teasing with the hint of a smile.
"Basically, Quistis just reminded me, or politely informed me, that even though I know that I'm your boyfriend the rest of the world doesn't. And that's exactly why I made you say it to me earlier, to remind yourself. I wanted to make sure that you really knew, you know?"
"Believe it or not, I understand you and, yes, I know." She laughed. "We make no sense."
"Not a damn lick." His statement was completely serious.
Moving away from her, he rolled onto his back and stared blindly at the ceiling. As much as he was learning to open up, there was always something pulling back. Five months ago he was a terrified at the thought of being someone's boyfriend. The term had always carried a preset notion of both physical and emotional attachments that seemed utterly impossible for him.
Draping his arm over his forehead Squall quietly admitted, "I actually remember the first time it hit me that I was someone's boyfriend. Oddly enough it was on the way back from a mission - I was just walking into Garden. It was strange to think about and even harder to accept…but I have. The thing is - that even though I've had to reassure myself of this at times, I don't always think about reassuring you. Things like that always seemed more natural for you."
Maybe it was because she was feeling adventurous, or maybe because his epiphany made her love him even more, but she decided to take advantage of this opportunity to the fullest. He was 'trapped' after all. She moved over so that she rested on his chest, making sure to bring the blanket with her. Her legs were still off to the side and while not 'technically' lying on top of him, she was damn-near close.
He didn't seem to mind; in fact, he seemed quite welcoming. The arm that had been across his forehead now moved down so it was resting on her hip. He didn't even seem bothered when she mirrored his earlier action, brushing her fingers through his hair. What he found most difficult wasn't their sheer closeness, but finding the courage to look into her eyes. It might have been nervousness, or embarrassment, or maybe because as a couple their eyes often betrayed so much that words never could.
Still, he found that strength and, in return, she offered him unexplainable peace.
"Squall, nothing, and I mean nothing, about us seemed natural to me back then…or even now at times. You are never alone in that. I want to able to tell you things, to show you things, but there is always fear holding me back." She continued looking into his eyes, attempting to blink back her own tears. "I'm still scared, Squall. Scared that you'll wake up and regret everything about us, about you being my knight. I'm scared that one day you'll find someone who is so much better for you than I'll ever be… and then I saw that article. After the initial shock wore off, it was like everything I've ever really feared about you, about us. I wanted to be able to laugh about it, but it sorta felt like fate was mocking our relationship."
"I know you're scared, I'm scared as hell too…you already know that. And no, nobody is mocking you - nobody really knows about us outside of Garden."
Reaching with his free hand, he cradled her face gently as fingertips wiped tears from her eyelashes. They had not yet fallen by sheer willpower, he guessed. Squall knew that she was trying to hold back because of him. He never saw her tears as a weakness, but a strength; she showed her emotion openly and to him that was a rare and beautiful gift.
"Rin, our relationship is always going to be a double-edged sword in that respect. I know how much you want to stay out of the spotlight. So, you can't be surprised when you're pushed to the background. As a group, we've all gotten attention since Ultimecia…some of us more than others. You know I don't agree with the headmaster all the time, but I'll give him credit - he's done a good job of keeping things under control. The media tends not to focus on just the six of us who fought, but SeeDs in general – I do get some press, unfortunately, but that's more about my position and not about what we did."
"You talk a lot more than you used to," she wanted to cry but ended up letting out a small laugh instead.
"To you, maybe. I still avoid others when possible, they just don't seem to avoid me."
Their eyes again locked and all the earlier sensations resurfaced once again and the fact that she was pretty much laying on top of him became extremely evident. They were now both under the same blanket, and unlike a few days earlier, there were no time-restraints to stop them. She turned her head, fighting against the overpowering urges and in doing so, caught sight of the magazine. They both were in desperate need of a distraction before emotions became too difficult to bear.
…Of course, seeing him shirtless on the cover wasn't quite the distraction she was searching for.
Swallowing nervously, she reached over and grabbed the magazine. "So, now that we can officially look at this thing and not try not to take it seriously, how about we have a little fun? I seem to recall Selphie specifically telling me about number five on the list. Let's see what award-winning editorial they have on him."
"Who's number five?"
She smiled wryly. "Number five? Well, coming in only four places behind you is - your father. In a sad twist of fate, mine just made it at ninety-nine."
"Shit," he grumbled closing his eyes. "Please, you wouldn't. Please don't."
"Oh, same guy who could only give me his name, rank, and serial number now has resorted to begging me? I think I could get used to this – a lot."
"I'm not begging."
"You will be," she answered with a contemptuous grin. She sat up quickly, grabbing the magazine. He hadn't stopped her as he was hoping that the more humane side of her would kick in. She said she loved him and she wouldn't, couldn't, put him through undue torture – he was sure of it.
He was wrong.
With an overdramatic flair for added effect, she began reading the printed text out load. "Laguna Loire: this man proves that some things truly do get better with age! Like an expensive wine, the only adjective to describe the Present of Esthar is 'fine.' There are so many reasons why we chose this year's number five bachelor - he's a soldier, a journalist, a President, a savior, but above all, a visionary – he truly is a man of many talents. This reporter just wonders how far those talents extend out of the boardroom and into the bedroom."
She stopped as the words ended and the horror began…
"Oh God, did I just read that? Why? I feel ill," she laughed, "I mean…considering everything – he, you…well, you know!"
"How do you think I feel? There is no amount of therapy, drinking, or GFs to ever, ever erase those words from my brain. I can't believe you-" He paused suddenly, as mischievously grin spread on his face. She didn't take this extreme mood change as a positive sign in the least. "Oh, wait...didn't you say that your father made the list?"
She let out a sound akin to a squeal. "No, no, no…Squall, please, please...I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'll listen to everything you say from now on." In a feeble attempt to keep it from him, she held it over her head until he agreed. "Please?"
"Now who's begging?" he teased.
Using his cat-like agility, he sat up and snatched the magazine from her hand without difficulty. In a last-ditch effort, she desperately tried to wrestle with him. The fight was futile. He could have easily overpowered her, but instead just tried to keep her at bay. He flipped through the pages while openly laughing.
She should have just let it go and accept her fate, but she refused to give in. There was a matter of pride at stake, and again a considerable amount of stubbornness.
"You know, I tried to do this the easy way, Rinoa."
In one fluid motion, he set the magazine down while gently flipping and pinning her to the floor. Somehow, his left hand managed to restrain both of hers above her head. He was basically sitting on top of her, legs on either side while not putting any pressure on her. It was an almost-familiar position, on that they had found themselves in from the day she was hired at Garden. Only today they weren't in a conference room – nobody would walk in at any given minute. Neither had really stopped to think about the possible implications as the main focus remained on something else.
Reaching over, he grabbed the issue of Timber Maniacs and skillfully managed to flip the pages with one hand until he found it.
He wasn't overdramatic like she had been, but he couldn't help the constant smirk. "Fury Caraway: dignity, grace, the epitome of maturity all wrapped into the body of a Galbadian god…"
She groaned loudly, causing him to stop momentarily and look down at her. "Please, please tell me it doesn't really say that. Do the chivalrous thing – I give you permission to lie to me just this once. Just tell me that was your rather dormant creative-streak suddenly coming to life."
"Not a damn chance. Remember, I'm the son of a 'fine' visionary, the least you can do is suffer though being the child of a Galbadian god."
"You and I need to have a long discussion about your sporadic use of chivalry, Sir Knight. Isn't there some kind of code thing that you're sworn to obey?"
"I'm still technically an apprentice knight, so by law I can pick and choose when to follow codes."
"You're so making that part up."
"Yeah, I so am, but what I'm not making up is the rest of this article."
It was nearly impossible not to laugh at her. At this point, she had given up on trying to struggle free and seemingly accepted the fact that she'd be forced to hear this through to the bitter end.
However, it hadn't yet occurred to him that he had stopped thinking about every action. He had stopped analyzing every word. He had done what had felt natural without thinking about how it would be perceived. In the end, he was a boyfriend and she was his girlfriend – and so much more.
…Two steps forward, no steps back.