We went downstairs hours later, finishing all the paint cans for the bedroom.
"Sam," I breathed, looking at the grid glass doors. They were amazing. Two big doors, each with handles to open like a ballroom would.
"Its amazing," I spoke spinning around to look at him. Melting like silly putty, I hung my arms around his shoulders and thanked the heavens for such an amazing guy.
"I want this to be your dream house," he murmured to me in that deep caring voice of his.
"It is," I smiled overly emotional. Sam's thumb came up and wiped away my tears.
"Thank you for loving me," I whispered as I laid my head on his chest.
It was days later when Sam and I finally got to move in. The décor was all set thanks to Sue, the girls had schedule dates for the furniture to be moved in and set up, and our house was finally running smoothly. I had just finished making another batch of blueberry muffins when Seth came into the house.
"Hey you, haven't seen you in a while," I smiled to the Clearwater. Seth gave me a small smile and sat on the stool near the counter.
"What's up?" I asked puzzled with his mood. He sighed and looked up at me. Before he could speak, Sam came trotting downstairs, getting ready for his patrol.
"Hey," he said giving me a quick kiss. "Seth," he acknowledged. "Bells, I'm leaving. See you in a few hours."
"Okay, bye," I smiled enjoying his kiss against my cheek one last time. After Sam took off, I turned back to Seth. "So what can I do for you?" I wondered while putting things away.
"Just stopped by to say hi- nothing big," he shrugged. "That's cool. I have some muffins about done in the oven. If you stick around long enough you can be the first to have some," I smiled trying to uplift his spirits.
Watching him nod, I continued to sneak glances at the troubled kid. Something was definitely off but I wasn't sure what.
"What's it like to be an imprint?" he randomly asked after a while. I stopped what I was doing, tilting my head to the side wondering what he meant.
"Is it really like all of the guys' think? Are you really that connected?" he wondered. Sighing, I dropped my dishtowel and went back over to him. Sliding my forearms onto the countertop, I waited for him to look at me.
"Where are you going with this Seth?"
"I-…." He sighed, almost seemingly in tears, "I can't help but wonder if imprinting will ever happen to me."
"Why are worried about it?" I asked feeling for the poor guy.
"I see it everyday Bella," he said. "With Jared and Kim, Sarah and Jake, Quil and Claire. Hell, I especially see it with Embry and Andrea," he spoke exasperated, "even Sam sometimes slips up and thinks about you."
"Are you…jealous?" I asked confused.
"Hell yea," he said, "but not in the angry way. I'm just fed up. I want to know so badly if it will ever happen to me," he spoke. Setting his head in his hands, he continued to vent. "All the guys think that it's this miracle- one of the greatest things ever. They have a connection to their mate like nobody else. And it sucks. We are told over and over again that it doesn't happen with everyone and the process is rare but Bella, how can it be rare if 5 out of the 10 guys have imprinted? That's quite a lot right?" he asked.
I sighed, unsure what to say. "I hate it. I hate imprinting," he said. "I never understood why Paul could be so against it- it brought you to your one true love, but now I see why. It's because the possibility of it happening kills you. I watch Leah and Cole together and wonder half the time if they are truly meant to be together. I want to warn my sister not to get too close to him incase she ever finds someone, but I think she already knows that," he whined.
"Seth," I said putting a gentle hand on his arm. "I'm not sure what to tell you."
"No one does," he grumbled with lost hope.
"To be truthful, I'm partially in the same boat with you- I don't like imprinting."
"But you're an imprint," he said staring at me confused.
"That I am," I stated, checking on my muffins.
"Why don't you like it?" he wondered watching me.
"Because I feel like it does more harm than good," I admitted while putting on some oven mitts to grab my food. "It makes the wolf and his or her mate so connected to each other its unhealthy," I spoke.
"Does Sam feel that way?" Seth wondered.
"Doubt it," I said shoving the tin on the counter, "he's always a little more positive and optimistic about that whole thing than I am."
Seth stared out into the woods thinking everything over.
"I'll let you in on a little secret," I said coming to sit on the stool next to him, "when I first met Sam and he told me about imprinting, I was going to give it a chance- but then Emily happened," I admitted.
"And you thought they should be together," Seth clarified. I shrugged, "well he was with her for a reason right? He had to see something in her before meeting me."
"Truth be told, we don't know why he kept her around," the Clearwater said flatly, "she wasn't really all that nice."
Smirking, I bumped shoulders with his, "probably wasn't a very good cook either huh?"
"Never as good as you," he brightened. Giggling, I watched his mood fade back into seriousness.
"Anyways, we all know I gave into the loaded passion," I sighed, "and then after everything, we all lost Sam," I said skipping to the somewhat present, "and I think it was then that I really hated imprinting. I mean, I always doubted it in some way and felt like it was just too good to be true, but as Sam left and came back into my life, I realized how much I really did dislike it," I admitted.
"Then why'd you let him mark you?" Seth questioned.
"We both needed it," I conclude, "and even if that sounds lame, I would never regret it," I spoke.
"I don't get it," he said, "you hate imprinting yet you go along with it? You even accept it even more by letting Sam mark you and move into this house," he stated.
"Seth, imprinting is strong," I said clasping my hands together. "The harder you pull away from it, the more bothersome and strong it comes back at you," I spoke trying to get him to understand.
"It's almost like a magnet," I said watching him try to comprehend it all. "And with being imprinted to Sam, its even stronger. He's alpha. Not only does that make him territorial and possessive but he's also older."
"How does age make a difference in anything?" Seth wondered confused.
"It does with Quil and Claire," I said, "and I think it does with me and Sam. Quil can only be Claire's friend right now. She is too young to start a life with him and become a true mate to his wolf."
"Yea, I get that, she's too young to have sex and all…" he said still confused. I chuckled at the blunt statement but nodded nonetheless.
"And Sam's old. He's ready for that settling down type of life. He wants kids, a house, a family, and that's something I wasn't ready for- I'm not sure if I'm still ready for yet," I admitted.
"Bella, but why does this make you hate imprinting?" he asked getting me straight to the topic at hand. I think he was looking for a blunt answer, but I wasn't sure how to compile everything in my life to tell him.
"It takes away your freedom of choice, that's for one," I spoke. "When Sam first imprinted on me I hated it because I didn't have a say in the matter."
"He could have been like your brother," Seth pitched.
"Please," I said rolling my eyes, "like that would have gone over. Has anyone in the history of ever being imprinted on set aside a man to just be friends with him? Unless their hands were tied behind their back or that was their last resort than sure, but there is no way in hell, I could have ever pushed Sam just into the friend/family category. The imprint makes that too hard to do- a reason #2 to hate it," I said.
"Why else?" Seth asked.
"Sam and I get too dependent on each other- it makes me sick sometimes. I worry over it a lot," I admitted.
"Number three," Seth categorized. I nodded. "We can never leave each other's side for too long and we crave each other's affection."
"But you did it when he was in coma," Seth pitched.
"And you don't think that wasn't hard?" I asked. "That was like…trying to run through quick sand. Every little thing was pulling me down."
I sighed, "when Sam came back, I'm telling you right now, I couldn't let him go. I swear, if that man left my sight even for a second- hell even when he was still standing right there in front of me -I was fearing he would be a dream and leave."
Staring at Seth, I made sure to get his attention, "I cant live without Sam. Literally."
"I guess imprinting really isn't that good then," he concluded. I sighed again, "Seth, I could give you a million reasons why I disagree with imprinting, but I'm not sure that's why you came here."
"Do you think it will ever happen to me?" he wondered.
"Do you want it to?" I countered. He shrugged.
"The feelings Sam and I have with each other…they sometimes make me worried that they aren't real. That it's a force pulling us even closer together," I admitted again. "I will acknowledge that without the imprint things could have been really different. Sam might not have fought for me like he did while being with Emily. And I know for a fact that I would have let him go, no matter how attracted I might have been to him."
"So, I'm thankful for the imprint in that way," I shrugged trying to give him both perspectives to the story. "But…sometimes we just get so attached with each other; and sometimes I think that he is such a wonderful guy, how could he want to be with me? Why would he want to be with me? What does he see in me that I can't see?"
"Bells," Seth said now feeling bad for going through my personal life. I shook my head getting all my thoughts back in order. "When Sam came out of a coma I needed him, it was as simple as that. I needed his mark because we needed to feel each other, closer than just touching. And overtime, I learned how much my heart loves him. Every fiber in my being tells me I'm in love him- I fell in love with him," I smiled. "But my heart wouldn't and couldn't be able to take it if he was to leave again. The imprint makes us feel so deep that we can never move on to another person- it makes us somewhat weak in that way."
Seth's brows furrowed and I put a hand on his shoulder. "Yes, imprinting is great, I love Sam and feel so many great things when I'm with him, but at the same time imprinting has it's downfalls. It's not always as perfect and heartfelt as it seems. You need to look at it closely and stop letting it hold you back. Whatever happens happens and as Sam keeps telling me 'everything happens for a reason'. But you have to believe it Seth. No one can make up your mind about whether imprint is a good thing or not. Wish it away or wish for it, it doesn't matter. You can't let it hold you back and making you stop living life."
"I'm just afraid to open up to somebody and then having to let them go," he admitted. My heart sunk a bit, knowing he was afraid of the Sam and Bella scenario.
"That may never happen if you never have anyone Seth," I spoke. Getting up, I pulled the muffins from their tin and handed him two. "There are ups and downs to imprinting. Both affect the wolf and the imprint. I guess it just depends how you look at it," I stated.
"Thanks Bella," he murmured after a while.
"Anytime," I smiled, still worried about the youngster.
A few hours later Sam shuffled in with some of the boys. Seth had left a few minutes ago still somewhat sullen.
"Hey," I smiled as Sam wrapped his arms around me.
"Boys, save some for others," I warned as I set some muffins in front of them. Immediately they dove for the food, scarfing them up like they haven't eaten in days. Giving Sam a quick kiss, I left his arms and finished up my grocery list.
"Okay, I'm going to the store, anyone need anything?" I wondered with keys in hand.
"More muffins?" Embry smiled at me. Rolling my eyes, I laughed. I had already made four dozen today.
"Be careful okay?" Sam asked me before I could slip away.
"Of course," I smiled, leaning in to kiss him, "love you."
"Love you more," he told me before retracting his arms. Now rolling my eyes at his words, I walked out of the doorway and down the front steps of my house.
"Bella," Leah said coming up to me.
"Hey the boys and Sam are in the kitchen with muffins if you want some," I said opening up my car door.
"Actually, I came here to talk to you," she said.
"Well I'm going to the store, did you want join me?" I asked wondering what she could need me for. Balancing out her options in her head she nodded to me and went to get in my truck.
"So what can I do for you?" I wondered while backing up my car.
"I wanted to talk about Seth, I'm worried about him," she said. I formed my lips into an 'O', knowing exactly what was on Seth's mind.
"It has to do with imprinting, I know," she said glancing over at me. "He wont tell me everything, but I know he's worried if it will ever happen to him."
"He came to talk to me today," I spoke, "earlier this morning when Sam went on patrol."
"So that's where he was," Leah said thoughtfully. "Is he okay?" she wondered.
"He's…trying to figure things out," I said carefully with my eyes on the road.
"Bella, you would tell me if something was really wrong right? I'm worried about my little brother," she said.
I sighed, "Leah, I don't know what to say. You're right, he is worried about ever imprinting, and he's also trying to figure out if it's a good thing or not."
"Why?" she wondered. I shrugged, "maybe he thinks that if he hates it, it will help him cope."
"Will it?" she asked. "It did for me," I said, "for a little while anyways."
She nodded, knowing exactly what I meant. When I had gone through that period of pushing away the imprint I just kept acknowledging that I didn't believe in that supernatural doing. It lessened the pain a bit.
"I wish I could help him," she sighed while leaning against the window, "I don't know what to do."
"Give him time," I said, "there's nothing any of us can really do except answer his questions and show him both sides to it." Sneaking glances at her ever so often, I noticed how tense she was and sad like her brother.
"It's so unfair," she said after a few minutes of silence. "We lose our dad and turn into wolves. Then we have to watch half our Pack imprint and be in love," Leah said. I quickly parked and shut off my car. "It's like the gods hate us," she said looking down at her hands now. "They take everything from our family and then just dangle the imprinting situation in front of our faces."
I sat there watching her, unsure what to say.
"Whatever," Leah said brushing off the situation. Getting out of the car, I followed her actions and went into the store.
"Do you like it?" she said after a few minutes of lugging the cart around. Turning to her, I raised an eyebrow at her random and unspecific question. "Do you like imprinting?"
"I'm not a fan of it no," I said repeating my words that I told Seth.
"But it brought you and Sam together," she said confused. I sighed and stopped my cart to look at her. "I'll tell you what I told your brother. I don't agree with imprinting. I think it does more bad than good. And although it brought us together, it hurt people in the process."
"People like Emily," she said quietly.
"Yea, like her," I sighed turning back to the shelves.
"What else did you tell Seth?" she wondered. I bit my lip and grabbed a few needed things. "I gave him what I thought were the good and bad things of the supernatural doing. I told him why I didn't like imprinting and reasons for doing what I did."
"Explain everything to me Bella, please," she asked.
Sighing, I turned back to look at her and felt guilty. Did Seth really want me telling her? "He wanted to know why I hated imprinting- I said it was because it made Sam and I too dependent on each other. I also said it was because I didn't have a choice in the fact. There were numerous things I listed off."
Before Leah could go pleading to me again, I caught her stare and looked at her straight in the eye. "Look, I am a big believer in the fairytale."
"You're living the fairytale- imprinting is the fairytale," Leah stated before I could go any farther.
I rolled my eyes, "fine, then I am a big believer in the old traditional tales of falling in love. No supernatural creatures or doing or even a world of craziness. I believe that you meet a person and can eventually fall in love with them. You take in their bad qualities with the good and accept the person for whoever they are."
"But…" Leah said waiting for me to say more.
"There is no but. That's what I believe."
"Well then I will say the but. But, you were imprinted on. And that changes things."
"Does it really?" I asked her. "I mean sure, Sam fought for me harder and we had a lot to overcome with the whole Emily thing, but I still like to believe that we fell in love with each other. Yes some variables changed like the fighting factor and personal space, but I still love the man for who he is- imprint or not."
Leah went quiet, staring at the ground.
"Look Leah, I know you aren't just here for Seth. You're in the same situation as he is," I said, "and its great that you're worried for your brother- you're a great sister in that way- but you're hurting too. And I can't have you standing here with me when you are lying about that. You really want to know more about imprinting and get your questions answered? Then ask me yourself," I said gently.
"Cole asked me to meet his parents and move in with him," she confessed as we walked down a few more aisles in silence. Surprised, I turned back to her and she had tears in her eyes.
"I know right? That's why we got into a huge fight in the first place and went on a break," she admitted. "He said that he met my family numerous times but I couldn't reciprocate? I had given lame excuses and he was tired of it. He admitted he wanted a future with me and I freaked."
"But you got back together with him," I stated still somewhat surprised.
"Because I set my crazy emotions aside of imprinting and decided I really did like him. He no longer pushed on the topic of meeting his family and things were great."
"But they aren't anymore," I said reading the anguish on her face.
"He asked again, this time being so sweet and caring. Instead of getting mad at me, he sat there and wanted to know why I was so hesitant on taking a step forward with him."
"Leah, what do want? What are you going to do?" I wondered as sweet as I could.
"Is it the right thing to do to take a step forward with him? I swear I love the man Bella, but I am so afraid. I'm terrified if I end up going to the store or go out shopping one day and see the man I am meant to be with," she said. My eyebrows furrowed a bit, wondering what I could tell the girl.
"I think that…if you feel like you really love him, you can't hold back- it's not fair to Cole or yourself. If the day ever comes- and I mean if- then you deal with it then. Too many good things- great opportunities- may pass you by if you keep waiting for imprinting to happen."
"So you think its okay to…be with him?" she wondered still teary eyed.
"I think its great. You shouldn't feel bad or scared because what happens happens. It's not really in your control; you're just there along for the ride."
Pulling her by the arm, I dragged her sad butt up beside me and bumped shoulders with her. She let out a soft laugh, which made me smile. "You're going to be okay, I promise."
"Thanks Bella," she said as we pushed the car together.
"Anytime Leah," I smiled as we finished up.
When I pulled back into the driveway, Leah slipped out of the car and helped me with the groceries. Sam must have been off somewhere since the two large doors to our front house were now closed. Slipping a key in the lock, I quickly turned it and set everything down in the house.
"Want to call Seth? The three of us can go to the diner," I said as we set the last of the bags down.
"Yea, sounds good," she said walking over to the phone. After putting everything away, we met Seth at the diner. He had cheered up considerably since I had seen him earlier and dinner was actually carefree and fun.
"Seth, I am going to move in with Cole," Leah said finally taking her brother's hand as we walked out to the parking lot. Seth was shocked beyond reason. "He asked you?"
"Yea," she breathed with a small smile.
"And that's it? What about the possibility of imprinting?" he wondered.
She shrugged, "I can't wait around for it forever. If it ever happens, I'll deal with it then," she said softly. We could tell he was hurting. As he stood there struggling for control of his thoughts, Leah and I shot each other a sympathetic look.
"Look, I know you're frustrated with imprinting," Leah said taking a step towards her brother.
"You have no idea," he said.
"Yes I do," she said strongly.
"No! You don't! You made up your mind. You're moving in with Cole. You have no idea how I feel!" Seth yelled in anger
"Seth," I said softly. He just glanced over at me with tears in his eyes.
"I hate this Bella. I hate feeling like I can't move on," he said to me. Leah took his hand and squeezed it tight. "I can't tell you how to feel," she said, "but just know I'm here for you." Leah put her forehead against her brothers and waited for him to calm down.
"I want it. I want it so bad, no matter the downfalls," he cried to her. She nodded and held him tight against. The sight brought tears to my eyes as my heart fell. We knew what he meant and there was nothing we could do to alleviate the pain until he met someone.
"It will happen," Leah, said to her brother, "one day, it will happen to you."
Nodding to her softly, he continued to cry in her shoulder.
Later that night when I finally removed myself Leah and Seth's presence, I went home and found Sam getting ready for bed.
"Hey," I smiled kissing him softly as he brushed his teeth. "Where were you?"
"Jake's. I left you a note on the fridge, I thought you would be stopping by," he said glancing over at me as I got ready for a shower.
"Oh, I must not have seen it," I said slipping by him.
"Everything okay?" he wondered as I grabbed a towel and clean clothes.
"Yea, long day," I breathed in exhaustion. He caught my wrist as I set the stuff on the toilet seat cover.
"Love you," he said glancing between my lips and eyes.
"Love you too," I whispered, giving him a quick peck before stripping to take a shower.
It was around midnight, just an hour later, when I stepping out of the bathroom. I slipped on my clothes after the shower, dried my hair a bit and rubbed lotion all over my body.
Most of my time today was with Leah and Seth. After the parking lot situation, we went to go to the park, grab an ice cream, and talk some more. Seth was really feeling beat up about the whole imprinting thing, which made Leah falter in her situations. I felt like I was mediating both at the same time. I pushed to Leah that what she was doing with Cole was great, and she really needed to peruse him, while I helped Seth calm down and helped him face the part where he needed to get a grip over himself. It was going to be hard yes, and he needed to cope with that.
Sam was already lying in our bed, tucked in the sheets waiting for me. Turning off the lights, I let out a tired breath and laid in our bed thinking over everything.
"Hey Sam?" I asked, getting more comfortable with my head on his chest and shoulder.
"Yea baby?" he wondered gruffly as his hand snaked around me.
"Why did you fall in love with me?" I wondered adjusting myself again. "I mean, I know the imprint, but I guess… what made you fall in love with me? What made me so different that you wanted to fight for me?"
He nuzzled his head a bit into the top of my head and started drawing patterns on my skin. "What's going on Bella?" he asked with his eyes still shut.
"Nothing, I just want to know," I said trying to be as innocent as possible.
"I love you cause you're you," he said with a hum and a kiss to my forehead. My eyebrows furrowed, not looking for that answer. Knowing he was tired from running extra patrols and hanging out with the guys today, I let it go and snuggled in his chest. Running my fingertips over his skin, I continued to be bothered by all my thoughts- why did he really fall in love with me? Was it the imprint? Was he just in it because of that? Was I wrong about everything?
Everything was buzzing in my head, making me stay awake till the earliest of the mornings. Sam was dead asleep just a few minutes after my questions but I couldn't fall into my slumber till around 3am. It didn't help either when I woke up at 6am, not being able to fall back asleep. Slipping out of bed, I padded downstairs starting the coffee.
It wasn't that all of this imprint talk had me questioning my relationship with Sam- or maybe it did, I wasn't sure. Something about it was bothering me and Sam's answer wasn't a big help either. Going back upstairs with a cup in hand, I stood on the balcony of our room and watched the world go by.
It was calming to see the trees move in the wind and the birds fly. It actually looked like it was going to be a sunny day today.
"Hey," a deep voice said wrapping around the back of my waist.
"Hi," I breathed with a small forced smile.
Handing him my cup of coffee, he took a sip and nuzzled into me. My body was a bit stiff and I wondered why. With Sam it was always mellow and relaxed, but today it wasn't.
"Is this about last night?" he questioned staring over at me. I blinked a few times snapping out of my thoughts. "What?"
"Did something happen last night? Seth bother you?" he asked, questioning me like it was an interrogation.
"Huh? No, why would he do that?" I wondered looking back at him.
"You don't seem too happy with me today," he noticed. I sighed. Well maybe if you didn't blow me off last night, I thought in my head.
"No, everything is fine," I said softly and went to walk away.
"Don't give me that," he said catching my arm.
"There's nothing going on Sam," I said. "I don't know what you want."
"The truth," he said expectantly. I rolled my eyes getting frustrated. He was being all alpha with me.
Pushing my crankiness to the side, I gave him a look, "that is the truth. Nothing is the matter." Softly taking my arm out of his grip, I slipped away to our closet, and began looking through all the clothes to see what was good to wear. Pulling out a pair of blue jean shorts, a tank and a short sleeve jacket, I walked into the bathroom and locked the door.
Sighing to myself, I went over to the counter. I was low on sleep and frustrated; neither of those things mixed well with me. But in my defense I hated when Sam goes all Alpha on me. He knows I hate it too and with his expectant cocky attitude, it had me wanting to flip him the bird.
Changing, I messed with my hair in the mirror and then grabbed some jewelry. Sticking with a long necklace and some earrings, I pulled on my boots that I had brought into the bathroom with me and then applied some makeup.
Maybe I would go to Jake's today…or maybe the Cullens. I hadn't had the opportunity to make music and I knew Pete was ready to sign me back up for it. Shrugging, I glanced at my appearance one last time before unlocking the door and moving to go downstairs. Our bedroom was empty so I was guessing Sam was already in the kitchen on the hunt for some food.
"Bella," Sam said watching me as I came downstairs.
"I'll be out today, running errands and such," I said putting my empty cup on the counter and shoving things in my purse. Grabbing the keys, I made sure I had everything before taking off.
"Can we talk about what's going on?" he asked me as I rushed to get away from him.
"There's nothing wrong," I said as gently as possible with a hand to his cheek. Flashing him a small smile, I left his grip and walked away.
"Hey!" he called as I made it to the steps. I forcefully turned to look at him and found him staring at me with a raised eyebrow.
"I'll see you later," I said forcing a smile as I tried to hide whatever I was feeling. Walking down the rest of the way, I got in my truck and left.
Pulling up to the mansion, I got out of my car and locked the doors. Within minutes I was in their house sucking in a surprised breath. I hadn't been here since Sam was in a coma. Just right upstairs he in the bedroom on the right he was sleeping.
Shaking the emotions, I went back to being frustrated with myself and my boyfriend while marching straight into the music studio. I sat my things down and went straight to the piano. Staring at the black and white keys, I found I had too much frustration inside of me though so I moved to the drums. Grabbing the sticks, I began pounding on the instrument, not caring if the beats sounded like total ruckus.
When I was done venting my emotions, I sat there in silence, letting my ears ring. My anger and aggravation wasn't towards Sam. Sure, maybe it was his stupid answer to why he fell in love with me that had me on edge a bit, but it was also the sad thoughts of Leah and Seth. I truly felt sorry for them and the predicament they were in.
Feeling exasperated, I moved back to the piano and grabbed a pen and pad of paper. Nothing came to me for a long time. I sat there playing random keys on the piano but no inspiration hit me what so ever.
Music came from the soul- and the heart. It was connected to thoughts and emotions in perfect harmony. So what was blocking me? I had so much to say. I hadn't written music since I came back from LA. There was so many things I could express in words that I felt, but why couldn't I communicate it? Groaning, I put my head on the piano top, knowing somewhat of what I had to do.
I knew a place where emotions in me would stir up. It was right here too, but was I ready to feel all those things again? My heart wasn't heavy when I didn't think about it.
Huffing, I got up, taking my pad of paper, pen, and violin with me and moved to go upstairs. There was that one bedroom that had me haunted. The door was shut and it almost seemed eerie to go into. Holding onto the knob, I turned it slowly and let the sight take away my breath again. The medical supplies were all there. The IV was still hanging up, and the sheets were skewed. Everything I had taken into account was making my heart clench in pain. My knees hit the ground and I panted in agony.
It was about time I felt something. I had pushed it away from the time Sam left me. I took my chances of not feeling anything by going catatonic, and then I pushed away my pain when Rose said I had to be strong. About the whole time Sam had been gone, I pushed everything away and fueled myself by helping Paul with his arrival with Liam and then my life in LA. I barely made myself cope with the fact that my mate was temporarily gone.
Of course, I had once felt this pain when Sam came back, and when I was with him at his place, but after that, I had pushed it away again and kept myself busy with something else (working on our house for example).
Maybe that's why I hadn't written anything in a while. I was blocking everything out since I came here and was with Sam. I wanted everything to be that happy life, when in reality, I needed to face my past and the things that got me here.
Sitting on the dresser, which faced the bed, I let myself mourn and cope for a little while. From there, I sucked up my sniffles and turned to my pad of paper and violin. It was weird how much came to mind then. I put the instrument to my chin and moved the bow across the strings. A sweet sad and slow melody came out.
("What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts)
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo
I set down the violin and wrote a few more lyrics before getting tired again. All of this emotional crap was getting to me- especially after only running on three hours of sleep.
"I fell in love with you because of your independence," a voice spoke. Snapping my head up, I found Sam in the doorway.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a somewhat raspy voice.
"Came to find you," He answered simply. "Where did you learn to play violin?"
"LA," I said hopping down off the dresser, "I picked up a few tricks there." Shuffling to get my things, I made it to the doorway, only to be stopped by Sam.
"What has been going on with you today?" he wondered.
"I'm tired," I sighed, "it's been a busy week."
"I know," he said referring to the house getting done. I spent a lot of time painting, moving things in, and shopping with Sue. "But will you tell me what else is going on? Why you're in here maybe?" he asked gently.
"I'm writing," I explained.
"But why in here?" he prodded.
"Because I can let myself feel in here," I admitted with a hand running over my tired face. Glancing up to him with a swallow, I tried to give him my best smile, but I'm pretty sure it came out as a grimace. "I just need to deal with what happened," I whispered while letting down my walls.
"Haven't you been doing that?" he wondered confused.
"No, not really," I admitted.
"Bella…what-"
"Sam, really, everything is okay," I summed up tiredly.
"No its not, stop saying that," he said. Feeling a twinge of anger, I shut my eyes briefly and pulled myself together as best as I could. I didn't feel like having an argument. There was a lot that could be said that I would end up regretting and I felt too emotionally raw and tired to be doing this now.
"Stop it Bella," Sam sighed, "I hate when you put up those walls," he said reading me.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I huffed, looking up at him exhaustedly.
"Would you quit it?" he asked again, still displeased.
"Sam, I'm exhausted. I want to get out of here and just…write. Please, let's just leave it be for a while."
"Why?" he asked again.
"Because Sam," I said sounding like a mother telling her child to go do something but he wont.
"Bella," he started off again.
"Sam," I reprimanded, this time a bit firmer, "I really can't do this right now. Please, stop pushing. I'll talk to you about whatever you want later. But right now, I just want some peace."
"So you're torturing yourself by being in this room?" he pushed. I let out an angry groan and moved away from him.
"No, that's not what I'm doing. I came in here to work. I'm tired of shoving my emotions away. I just came up here to let it all in and then let it go."
"So talk to me," he pleaded.
"There is nothing to say," I whined as he stepped closer.
We stayed in a standstill for a bit before I found myself getting tired of the silence. I had enough crying and reminiscing on the past for one day and being in this room wasn't helping my composure. "Look, I know you love to push," I spoke, coming closer to him, "but today really isn't a good day for that. You aren't going to get anything out of me except a few angry shouts and maybe a harsh command to go away. Please, stop pushing, let me sleep or be by myself for a bit and then we can talk okay? It's not about you- you did nothing wrong. Just please, I really don't want us to end up in a fight tonight."
Using my soft words of wisdom instead of my true frustration that I really felt, I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled into his chest, trying to let everything all go with a breath.
His hand came up to my head, rubbing my hair as he comforted me. "Just promise me we'll talk," he murmured in the top of my head.
"Promise," I sighed in relief as I shut my eyes. Hugging him for a few more minutes, I let my emotions take control, forcing me to feel all of the love and passion he was showing me. With small kisses to my temple and hair, we pulled away and met with each other face to face softly.
"I love you," he said cupping my face in his hands.
"And I love you."
"Can I drive you home?" he pleaded staring into my tired eyes. Groaning, I pulled away my face away from his hands and gave in. Letting him take me away, we entwined our hands and shut the bedroom door.
"I have to put away this first," I said signaling to the instrument in my hand. After making a quick pit stop to my music room, Sam opened his arm for me and snuggled my body into his side as we left the mansion.