Reminder: This follows 'Waking Moments' which is a standalone piece that's posted under my Eternal Tiet penname. Please refer to chapter fifteen for further details. Sorry for any confusion. :D
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Chapter Sixteen: Infinite Regress
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July 19th 10:54am
There was something quite unnatural about all of this.
It wasn't the fact he was only eighteen and commanding an elite force of mercenaries. Nor was it the fact that he was a knight to his girlfriend who, with the proper training, could take down a Blue Dragon with a single spell. It wasn't even the fact that he had traveled through time, been lost in space, or given an Elixir to an alien that had an unhealthy addition to them.
No, all those things seemed completely normal to him.
Instead, what felt completely wrong was showing up at his office at 11:00 am on a Saturday morning. He glanced at the clock again, needing to reassure himself that his eyes weren't playing tricks. In less than fifty-five minutes, it would be noon… and that fact felt far from natural.
To Squall, it didn't matter that it was the weekend as all days had long since blurred together. Any other time he would have been here at least five hours before - four if he was pushing the envelope and slept in.
Of course, there had been times in the past where he couldn't make it in; his trips to Dollet and Winhill with Rinoa came to mind, but that was the key – he was away, although in spirit, he was constantly processing, filing, and shredding paperwork in his mind.
Sadly, the process had been happening slowly over the last year. He often tried his best to compartmentalize his thoughts but it often proved difficult. There was such a need to do his best; the drive had always been there and while it was just him it was one thing, but now it was him, Rinoa, and the entire populous of Garden. He didn't truly need to be here on the weekends, but he couldn't stop himself either. He knew that eventually something would have to give, but right now - for good or bad- this was his routine.
Taking a deep breath, he took a seat at his desk and started leafing through today's calendar. There were no real meetings on the schedule; he long since learned that the world didn't share his inexplicable need to show up to work every day.
He envied them.
He hoped that one day he could move past this inner compulsion; he hoped for that first holiday where he could spend time away and truly be away and not run off to the hotel's business center to check emails.
Someday, maybe someday…
Turning on his computer, he decided that he'd pencil in a time to brood later; it wasn't on his calendar for today. As he waited for the computer to boot, he caught sight of the flashing light on the telephone. That taunting message light was the only thing that seemed to be in the office as much as he was.
Grabbing a nearby pencil and paper he hit the buttons on his speakerphone. "You have twenty-six new messages and three saved messages. Please, hit 'one' to listen to the first new message."
Joy.
He hoped that the computerized voice had miscounted greatly – if not, this was some cosmic joke gone horribly awry. Looking up, he saw the group photograph that sat on his desk. One of those Selphie gifts that was taken at the post-Ultimecia party. Shaking his head he looked at Rinoa's picture.
"Oh sure, stay, have some coffee, watch television. Relax. It's Saturday morning, how much work can you miss?" he mimicked Rinoa's earlier words to him.
"You're probably getting a kick out of this, aren't you?" he questioned, still looking at the photo; not once stopping to ponder why he was carrying on a two-conversation with a picture of his girlfriend.
"Is it some type of divine retribution for me questioning the logic behind the Triface chasing the Gold Chocobo around the desert? You know… I can hear you now telling me 'it serves me right' for arguing the physics behind a children's cartoon."
He honestly had no idea why he was talking out loud. Nobody else was there – the entire area was clear - maybe it was too quiet. Or maybe, just maybe, there was a part of him that wanted to leave, wanted to go back to his room, and watch that ridiculous, illogical cartoon with her for no reason at all. Maybe he was talking 'with her' because he wanted to talk to her.
"Whatever," he muttered irritated with himself, although sarcastically adding, "Again, who the hell straps rockets on their skates and markets it for children."
With another deep breath, the thinnest trace of a smile graced his lips. He had enjoyed this morning. All of it: her company, the gourmet cereal breakfast, and even the absurd cartoon, but he'd be damned to admit that fact to anyone.
Still, no point in thinking about what he wanted to be doing. The only thing that was important is what he should be doing and those messages certainly weren't going to play themselves.
"Commander Leonhart, this is Erica Rivers calling from the Balamb Gazette. We are interested in doing a follow-up piece to you recently being named by Timber Maniacs as the "World's Sexiest Bachelor."
The minute he heard the words, everything came flooding back. So much for his ability to compartmentalize; that was a piece of information that he had mentally put in the shredder, wanting to forget permanently. The fact he had managed to put it out of his mind for even a few hours was an amazing; he swore if he ever saw whoever was in charge of that godforsaken magazine he'd tar and Chocobo feather them.
The woman continued on like it was some heavy-hitting piece of journalism. "We would like to do a human interest piece. We know you rarely grant interviews, but would love to show our readers who you are as a person beyond the titles and accolades. Please call me at-"
He cut her off. There was no way in hell.
"Mr. Leonhart, this is Randallé Q. calling from the Boy Next Door. We'd love to talk to about posing nude for-"
He hit the delete button so quick, he almost broke the phone. Unfortunately, what was heard could not be unheard.
"Shit. Shit. Shit." Not that the commander was big on causal profanity, but in some occasions it seemed called for - this was one of those times.
Running hand through his hair, he tried to convince himself not to pull it out in frustration. As he stared at the phone, he wondered where this nightmare would end and the rest of his life could begin. Was this what his future at Garden consisted of? An endless stream of red blinking lights filled with messages?
In this case, listening to the next message seemed like a far bigger gamble than jumping into time-compression.
Still, it had to be done…
Fifteen requests for interviews, seven requests for dates, four marriage proposals, and a salesman pushing fax machine toner later, his mailbox now sat empty. The worst part - today was Saturday. Who knew how badly his telephone would light up during on the first weekday?
Most of the messages could be erased after the first one or two sentences, thankfully. A few took a tad longer, some rambling on before getting down to their bare-boned stupidity. That brought up another on-going pet peeve between him and the rest of society; he wished people had the common sense to be direct, especially in a business setting. But no, it seemed the vast majority of people calling him forgot how to make a point - something he'd nickname the 'Zell syndrome.'
He looked back to group picture on his desk, mentally having to laugh when he saw the martial artist posing with his friends while holding a hotdog in each hand. At the party, Zell refused to set them down for even a second… ironically, his meat addiction was the only thing he could be direct about. There was no pausing, hem-hawing, or needless banter when it came to asking about the cafeteria's current supply. He would never admit out loud, but he really was glad to have these guys around, quirks and all, they helped him keep his sanity.
His earlier scowl had all but disappeared. He looked at Rinoa's picture again, but this time decided to forgo 'their' earlier one-sided conversation. After listening to those ridiculous messages, he couldn't help but think about the first time Rinoa attempted to leave something on his voice mail. She was still in Timber and they always seemed to be playing phone tag.
The fact was - what irritated him in others, he often found endearing from her. Most of the time, there were limits. Take her message – she knew him well enough to know he preferred directness, but in all her nervousness, she couldn't help her random blather. She didn't even think he'd listen past a line or two, which given his history was a rather accurate assumption.
But he did make it past the first line and every one after that. He knew he was being silly (Rinoa would insist on 'sentimental') but after two dozen or so half-baked messages, he wanted to hear one positive one.
"First saved message - March 9th 10:17am."
He looked out his door, for some reason he felt this innate need to make sure he was alone. The last thing he needed was someone catching him in the act of being 'sentimental.'
"Hey, just me... I know you hate me calling you at work. I thought that maybe there was an off chance that I might catch you. I should know better by now… and I probably should know better than to leave you a message. I know how busy you are - it's like you're constantly rushed off from one place to another and the last thing you need is my rambling on. But here I am doing it anyhow… I, uh, just wanted to…"
There was a pause. He could always tell that she was trying to pick her words wisely; afraid that somehow she would say the wrong thing and offend him. He never wanted her to feel that way, but she often did…
Her voice continued to remain upbeat, even through the obvious hesitation. "I know it's only been a week since my birthday… and I probably shouldn't have bothered you. …Yeah, now I'm sounding like this super-needy, clingy girlfriend calling… but it's just that."
Another pause before she said the next words in one quick breath. It was like if she said them fast, he wouldn't upset. "It's-that-I-really-miss-you."
She chuckled nervously. "There. I said it, but also scarred your ego for life, right? I just… it's hard being so far apart. Timber is great, but it's not… never mind. I've probably already sufficiently freaked you out. You caught me - that's my evil, fiendish plan. Okay, okay I'm just being silly now – I'm trying so hard to not let all this get to me. I guess… I just hope that one day we can see each other more than once a month, but that requires money first. I'm still looking for a paying job, but apparently nobody seems to want to hire an inexperienced eighteen-year-old with a four-legged dependant who demands only the best in food. Oh well, maybe someday someone I'll find something that pays better than the donuts and coffee I get volunteering here. Until then, Diva Doggie will have to make do with generic dog food. Anyway, I got my voice back completely, but guess that's obvious – too obvious - and the tonsils, or rather the lack thereof, are healing nicely."
She was laughing again after that, he loved the way she laughed. He often acted irritated, but he rarely was.
"Oh, forgot to tell you Cid left a message the other day, but I missed his call. He probably needs me to sign yet another non-disclosure agreement. Seriously? Can you SeeDs do anything without it ending up with a mountain of paperwork? Kidding, kidding. …And I just realized how long and random this message is and ten Gil says you never even hear more than the twenty words. But, if that's the case, I might as well be sappy - I hope someday it won't be like this, maybe instead of a month we can do dinner once a week. Dare to dream, right? But until that day, know that I'm thinking of you… and I really do miss ya. Bye."
The message was a little over four months old, but yet it felt like a lifetime ago. He had almost forgotten what their relationship was like; sometimes it took a jolt like this to think about how far they'd come. True, his day-to-day schedule hadn't changed much, but it was the small things that made all the difference.
Even when she first started at Garden they wouldn't always see one another, even though they were on the same floor. Over the last month or so he had made a conscious effort to at least acknowledge her daily. Maybe it was a simple 'hello' walking by or saying a word or two when he was grabbing some coffee. The funny thing was – he had changed his route to walk by, it certainly wasn't the most efficient path. Also, he didn't need to get a coffee in the kitchenette; he had a pot in office but often 'ran out' of grounds or filters.
Their daily interaction wasn't always major; it wasn't something that lead to deeply-rooted daily conversations around the water cooler, but there something to just knowing they were close.
It was a stark contrast to the person he just heard on the phone; the person whose biggest hope seemed to be the idea of seeing him at least once a week. The person that he would've flat-out refused to use the term girlfriend to describe because of the implications.
Yet, the day he had heard that message he didn't stop it; the thought never crossed his mind. He wasn't irritated or upset, mad or indifferent; he just had wanted to talk to her, upset that he missed her call. He had missed her too and yet, besides the day at the hospital, he couldn't bring himself to say those words to her.
If he couldn't say those words, how would he be able to say anything more? Then again, Rinoa knew that he missed her… Maybe Rinoa could go her entire life without hearing how he really felt, but could he go his whole life without saying it?
Between Rinoa staying last night, the article-from-hell, and the bevy of messages, he needed to do something a little more intense than paperwork. He might come back later, but right now he needed to take his frustrations out on the nearest T-Rexaur.
"Screw this," he muttered angrily to himself. He pushed back his chair to get up, but when he looked up a shadowed figure stood in the doorway. It was worse than the feeling of déjà vu; it was a carbon copy of her visit from night visit.
Quistis smiled. "And I see you're having a good day, Mr. Leonhart?"
His eyes narrowed. "Stop doing that."
The last thing he needed or wanted was unsolicited advice. Then again, it was her advice that lead him to his impromptu picnic last night. Still, her dropping by was something he had to nip before it became a habit.
"I wasn't stalking, promise. As I said, last night I was dropping something off and I only stopped by after seeing your light… But yes, today I was trying to find you. Logic dictated you'd be in one of two places. I checked the training center first, but came up empty. Process of elimination said this was the next place to look."
She let out a small laugh, "You're right... When I hear myself saying it that way, it sounds a little stalker-ish. I was worried about a friend. That's all."
"Congratulations, you found me. I'm fine. No need to worry. Satisfied?"
He hadn't meant to be quite that harsh, but he was growing tired of all his friends thinking they were his 'twenty-four hour relationship hotline.' Often, he felt more like a damn community service project than a leader. Not to mention, last time he checked, Rinoa wasn't some relationship expert either. She often said she was a clueless about serious relationships as he was and her track record more than proved that. But he didn't see them tracking her down, only to stand in her doorway and force her to talk about 'her feelings.'
"Yes, I guess I am," she replied curtly before turning to walk away.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering where the hell those thoughts came from. He was angry. He was frustrated. Worse yet, he was mentally lashing out at Rinoa for no reason, besides his inability to manage his own stress level. Honestly, he was glad that she was just as clueless; he loved being able to fumble through this with her every step of the way. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He was ashamed at himself for even thinking such a thing.
"Wait." With his head bowed and voice low, there was no way that his words could have projected so she'd hear. Simply saying it didn't make it better, it had to be heard. Looking up, he called out to her louder. "Quistis, wait."
Stopping, she seemed to hesitate before turning around. One part of her wanted to walk away - he was being a jerk. The other part of her was glad that he seemed to be taking a step forward. Of course, she also had to turn around if no other reason than for curiosity's sake.
Since Rinoa's arrival, one thing that had changed: Quistis found that she didn't try to sugarcoat her opinions. If he was being a jerk, she'd let him know. Before, she would write it off, trying to smooth things over so he wouldn't be upset with her.
"Are you going to continue to be an asshole?"
"I don't know." His answer was blunt, but truthful. "I could lie and say I won't. The most I can promise is I'll try… I'm honestly not used to people wanting to help without expecting something in return."
She sighed in defeat. "Fine. But I'm calling you out if you even start being asshole-ish."
"Deal." Now it was his turn to extend an olive branch. It wasn't quite a smile, but the scowl had completely disappeared. "You checked a little too soon. I was just headed to the training center. Feel up to going a few rounds with T-Rexaur?"
"Always. I'll just need to swing by my room – give me a few and I'll meet you there."
He shrugged. "I'll walk with you. I could use the exercise."
He didn't of course, but in his mood he'd be likely to bite off the head off anyone who looked at him wrong. In that regards, Quistis was glad he would have something to take his aggravation out on besides the residents of Garden. Honestly, between the magazines and the gossip, he was going to need it.
There was something pathetically desperate about playing with a blade of grass. As Rinoa sat on the lawn, knees to her chest, she had focused all her attention on the hapless piece of grass; the poor thing had the misfortune to grow at the wrong place at the wrong time.
She had been trying her best to not over think, but it was impossible; she blamed it on Squall. Everything from the night before seemed so vivid that her body simply wouldn't let her forget. In frustration, she had ripped a small handful of grass before flicking it away, equally as irritated. One stray defiant blade had remained in the palm of her hand and, instead of brushing it off, she took it from her palm and studied it.
Rinoa also could have sworn that half of the students in the Quad were staring at her; it was that pathetic. Here she was huddled under a tree and staring at a piece of grass as if it held all the answers to life's tough questions. She had soon grown bored of that – it was staring at piece of grass after all – and decided to see how small of knot she could put in it. Still, even twisting grass couldn't keep her mind off her problems.
She wanted to talk to Squall; needed to talk to him, but finding the right time to broach this subject seemed impossible. In her experience, it wasn't exactly breakfast conversation, again with the possible exception of couples like Irvine and Selphie – as maybe topics like birth control were something they could openly discuss while salting eggs or sprinkling sugar on grapefruit.
Damn, now she wanted a grapefruit.
This is exactly how her life had gone lately; her mind never focusing on one subject for long. Her scattered thoughts jumped around endlessly and most of the time they landed on something as random as grapefruit.
Well, that wasn't entirely true – often her thoughts always seemed to make their way back to that one specific topic. It's also why she called someone, needing desperately to talk.
And those were her 'big plans' for a Saturday afternoon - seeing if she could make a small bow out of grass, wishing she had a damn grapefruit, and waiting on someone. All so she could talk about a subject she didn't want to talk about – but wanted and needed to talk about and it was that logic that pretty much summed everything up. This honestly felt like it was becoming the longest twenty minutes known to mankind…
Finally.
A wave of relief washed over as she saw Selphie bounding through the Quad. When Rinoa had called, her friend gleefully stated she'd be down there quicker than a 'Tonberry's tail.' Apparently, that was some unit to measure time in Selphie's world but, for the rest of society, it was just under twenty-five minutes. Hastily, Rinoa tossed the grass away, smiling to her friend. She didn't exactly want to explain, nor hear any comparisons to cherry stems, then again Irvine wasn't there.
As Selphie neared, Rinoa had to convince herself she was strong enough to do this. How did this became so hard? It seemed easy for the rest of the world. There was no doubt that Selphie would never violate her trust, that is, if Rinoa could even get herself to open up.
"Good afternoon or should I say it's a gooood afternoon?" Selphie drawled out as she flopped down, sitting in front of her friend.
"…What?" Rinoa's smile fell.
Even though her friend hadn't meant anything by it, there was something implied. Maybe Selphie had just been around Irvine too long or maybe she really did mean something… Worse yet, maybe Rinoa had felt guilty and jumped to conclusions because of it. In truth, she had no reason to feel guilty, but again she and Squall weren't everybody.
"Sorry. That was rude." Selphie was genuinely sympathetic. "I forgot these things are harder for you to talk about, but it was a pretty big step and all. I was excited for you guys, but I shouldn't have said it like that."
"…What step?" No, just no.
"Staying all night? I mean, I'm really happy, but kinda wished I had heard it from you. Then again, you did call me to talk… So strike that last comment. My track record for saying the right things is not-so-hot today."
Rinoa was on the verge of hyperventilating. She had not 'jumped' to any conclusions, apparently 'the conclusions' had already been reached as they made their rounds and with Garden's cattiness and negativity; it was definitely the wrong ones.
"Rinoa?" Selphie moved to her friend's aid, scooting over and patting her back softly. "Breathe. Oh god, I'm sorry… I just thought that's why you wanted to talk. I was honestly so happy for you."
"Who?" Rinoa managed between gasps, "Who did you hear it from? And what? What are they saying?"
"Irvine," she answered sympathetically.
Selphie had a completely different mindset about these things; sometimes she had to step back to remember that not everyone was as comfortable.
"How did he? Why would he even think…?"
"All Irvine told me was that last night Zell had given Squall some hotdogs and he'd invited you over for a late-night dinner. I totally thought it was so sweet of Squall… So...didn't think it was a secret or anything."
"Zell? It was about the food… That's all?" Rinoa looked up with a ray of hope. That wasn't so bad and it was true; she couldn't be upset over people thinking she had an amazing boyfriend.
"That's all Zell said." Selphie looked away for a second. "But um, at breakfast I overheard… Well, it's going around you spent the night with the commander in his room… And left this morning in the same clothes. But you know us being friends and all nobody would dare say anything directly to me. I'd only overheard a little in the breakfast line before someone whispered to shut up. There was something about an address, but duh, we live at Garden. I think we all can safely assume where Squall's place is. I'm sorry that everyone thinks that you two don't need privacy."
"It's not your fault… I kept thinking everyone was looking at me more than usual. Guess I was right. I guess me trying to deny it would be useless… And a lie."
"So does that mean…?" Selphie prompted.
"I ended up sleeping in Squall's bed, but he wasn't in it. Zell's right. It was dinner, but that's it."
"Oh… that's cool too. I mean that dinner was it."
"Well, not it-it. We just didn't do it. But we… You know, a little of this and that. Just not that-that. That's why I called – in case of that. You know?"
"Stop." Putting her hand up, Selphie had to stop this before it got any worse. If it even was possible to get worse after that. "You know it takes a lot to confuse me, but um yeah… So I'm going to use my years of linguistics training in an attempt to decipher that. I'm kind of thinking it's something like this, 'You stayed last at Squall's after you had dinner. You messed around, but no sex. You either wanted to or came close and that's why you're flustered.' Oh yeah, and it's also why you called me."
"Wow." She truly found herself impressed.
"Hehe." Selphie giggled. "Now you know about my 'mad skillz.' How else do think I'm able to understand Zell when he's stuffing his mouth full of hotdog parts?"
Rinoa smiled. At least she had been distracted for a second. Unfortunately, a second didn't last long enough… It never did.
"It's just now everybody thinks that Squall and I - well you know."
"Had sex, had sex, had sex," Selphie repeated like a mantra. "Really it's not that hard to say. I think you'll start to feel more comfortable about all of this once you get past the hang-up. That starts by saying 'sex' and not it, that, you know, or whatever. Wait, never call sex 'whatever' with Squall, that's wrong. Still, my point stands."
"Fine," Rinoa took a breath, maybe it was just mental. "Now everybody thinks we had sex."
"See, that was easy, right? But as far as what everyone thinks – a few points."
Selphie held up a finger, counting her points. "First, and foremost who the hell cares? Your sex life isn't their business. So why should you care what they think? Their thoughts don't matter, it's only what you and Squall know. If you get hung up on what all these gossiping-Geezards think, your life becomes thousand times more complex."
"Second, you landed Squall Leonhart!" Selphie added a second digit to the count. "A good portion of the student body wants to have sex with him… And you did. Well, you didn't, but according to what they think you did. So awesome job, Rin! Don't be embarrassed by it, be glad about your relationship and how you two care about each other."
Adding a third finger, she made her final point. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you number three, but you need to realize this… Everybody thought you guys did it a long time ago. You two having sex is old news to everyone – everyone but you two that is. They just think last night was the first time you were ballsy enough to stay at Squall's place. That's pretty major in their book."
"…Ballsy?" Rinoa barely choked out the word. That felt so wrong to say, but hearing Selphie say too seemed just as wrong.
"Sorry… That was Irvine's term this morning," she replied sheepishly. "I've really been hanging out with him and Zell way too much. Random comment time - the three of us girls need to have a spa day or something. But I'm totally going off topic."
"No. No. That's a better topic, considering…"
"Well, considering that's not why you called me down here to meet you, I'd say it's not important, but something is. This is about what almost happened, right? So out with it."
"I have an appointment with Dr. Kadowaki and I'm nervous."
"Dr. Kadowaki and sex? Two topics that I wouldn't want to put together." A light bulb went off in the young SeeDs head.
"Duh, Selph, of course they do! Think girl, think!" She slapped her forehead. "Okay, sorry, minor stupid moment… Anyway, it can seem scary, but she's really cool about this stuff. She'll explain all the options to you and I promise she won't judge. I mean, Garden is more open about this than most places."
"Definitely more open than the way I was raised."
"I'm sure it is. Caraway seems like he'd be… Well, let's just say I get where you're coming from, but really it's different here. They're more about education than abstinence. If you've even read the rules on conduct it states something like, 'Take time thinking things through before starting a relationship' and the only other mention is like, 'Kids who engage in violence, sexual promiscuity, may be expelled.' It's about extremes; they just want you to mentally be able to handle anything from violence to sex… I mean same place that gave us alcohol at Graduation isn't expecting us to be perfect. They just want us to know when those things are appropriate."
"It's hard to think Squall grew up in the same system as you and Irvine."
"Well, maybe. I mean everything can be open to interpretation. If you'd ask Squall I'm sure he'd give you a completely different outlook. And Rin, it's not exactly because they think you're having sex – it's because it's with Squall. Certain people are put on pedestals on here, like Squall and Quistis; I mean nobody would have batted an eyelash if Irvine and I had been in your place." Selphie paused, trying to keep this lighthearted. "So yeppers, don't worry about Dr. K. It's not too bad and has lollipops on her desk. True, they might be meant for the younger kids, but there's no law or anything."
"Thanks for being you, I need that right now." She reached over, giving her friend a hug. Selphie was right, she was too worried about what everyone thought. "It's just that everything moved so fast, I mean with the doctor not Squall." Why Rinoa felt the need to qualify that she couldn't say. "Anyways, I, um, stopped by the infirmary after I got home and changed. I'm not even sure why - maybe to schedule an appointment… I wasn't even sure what I was going to say… I thought if I made an appointment for next week or something, it would give me a little time. She was there and I just… I just couldn't explain, I think she was worried. Go figure. Anyway, she had an opening later today and I couldn't come up with something fast enough to wuss out. I mean it's on a Saturday. Who does that?"
"Well, unlike Squall, apparently Dr. Kadowaki likes to move fast." The SeeD looked over to her friend and was glad to see that she was laughing. "Sorry, you just dangled that right in front of me, I couldn't resist. And yeah, with SeeD's scheduling, there's something open pretty much all days of the week."
This felt very surreal. There was no reason she shouldn't be able to talk about this. Here she was eighteen, working, and on her own, not that any of those things truly mattered, but it showed how far she had come. She also knew Selphie didn't need the details, but Rinoa needed to talk this through for herself.
"I found out a few months ago that I could get pregnant. I wasn't sure, not that it's anything I'm even thinking about right now. Still, because I can, it means we need to take precautions. After last night, I want to be ready. Not that it has to happen anytime soon, I'm not saying that… Then again, I'm not saying it's not either. I'm just saying, I want to be prepared."
In hindsight, she wished she'd just opted to discuss the weather.
"I'm so glad you can have kids… I mean, if and when, at least it will be your choice." She genuinely was happy for her friend. It was one of those things in the back of her mind, especially when she saw the sorceress interacting with kids. Even though Rinoa never talked about it, Selphie sensed that having kids and the whole family-thing was important to her friend. Again, as with everything else - in time.
"Now that wasn't so hard was it?" the younger girl asked, "Feel any better getting that out?"
"Yes, I do … And it wasn't that bad once I started talking. I knew you'd understand – like you said once, keeping in mind who your boyfriend is."
Selphie laughed knowingly. "I'm sure this is a topic that could keep him entertained for hours. If you want his advice, I'm sure he'll be more than happy, diagrams probably mandatory."
"I, um, yeah no thanks. Diagrams? I really don't want to know."
"We all have hobbies, right?" She jokingly nudged Rinoa with her elbow. "So again don't stress, Rin, it's not bad at all - nothing to be nervous about. I guess the real question I have is does Squall know?"
"Um…not so much," she stopped to correct herself. "Well, maybe? Kinda yes, sorta no?"
"Great, that clears it up, completely." She rolled her eyes.
"Well, we've talked about things… more in passing. After he found that I could have kids he mentioned we'd have to be careful."
"Yeah, but being careful with Squall may mean not leaving the gunblade laying around loaded." Selphie went into full-blown laughter, leaving her friend dumbfounded. Selphie looked up, trying to keep a straight face. "S-Sorry… Again, remembering who my boyfriend is – I just realized how that could be taken. You know, if the gunblade was referring to-"
"Stop! I get it, I get. Please for the sake of our friendship and my sanity, don't finish that."
"Party pooper!"
Of course she had been joking, but Selphie really did think talking to Squall was important. "I guess no matter how awkward it is you should tell him about the appointment. I just think a relationship comes down to communication and, because it's Squall, that goes double. If this was some random subject that was only mentioned in passing - and we're talking a few months ago - I don't think that qualifies as 'talking about it' ...at least, not in the Squall-verse. It's like saying to an old friend 'let's do lunch' but never calling. Yeah, the idea is out there in the universe, but it doesn't mean it's real. Squall is the kind of person that needs real. If he asked someone for lunch, he'd make sure the day, time, and place were set in stone before he left. It's not a bad approach on life at all, just a Squall one. I doubt he'd care, it's your choice in the end, but it does involve your relationship."
"Thanks, I think I just needed someone to talk this through with. No, I know I did." Selphie was right. She could wait, but the problem wasn't going to go away anytime soon.
"No prob. That's why I'm here. That and to blow things up, but I digress."
She hesitated, maybe she didn't want to know, but the damage was already done. Like Selphie said, it was time to come to terms with things.
"Selph, can I ask you something? The rumors about Squall and I... When did we supposedly sleep together?"
Selphie shook her head, baby steps, maybe one day she could get Rinoa to say 'sex' without sugar coating it, although she had to make a small jab at the reference. "Well, sleeping together, I'm not sure but, as far as 'sex,' it was the night of the SeeD graduation ball, apparently."
"Wow. Yeah… That seems about right. Considering the source." Rinoa couldn't believe she was teasing about this, but there was nothing else left to do but laugh. If everyone else already dictated her sex life, she might as well ask the 'important' question. "Can I ask how was it?"
Selphie leaned over to share the not-so-secret secret. "Well, rumor has it that he was so exhausted afterward that he fell right into bed. So tired even that he didn't have the strength to move his stuff into his new SeeD room and made poor Zell do it all. So, I guess you broke him or something."
"Wow. That is way, way better than I remember the rest of the night going. After dancing with Squall, for some reason I was under the impression that I talked to Cid before leaving Garden… Guess not so much."
"Well, see, now you know that 'talking to Cid' is actually some euphemism for 'having hot-monkey-sex' with the good-looking SeeD guy."
"Thanks, now I'm going to be sick," Rinoa stated dryly.
After reconsidering her words, Selphie wholeheartedly agreed. "Uggh, barf… Why did I say that? Now every time someone says they need to 'talk to Cid' I'm going to think hot-monkey-sex."
…With that mental image now seared into her brain, Rinoa realized that she would have to look for a new job.
The sound of her whip sliced through the air. The crack was bone chilling on its own, but with Quistis' abilities, a dance both graceful and exact, it became a deadly combination. Squall would never deny her skill as it was truly extraordinary. It had been a long time since they had fought alone beside one another.
This was a relatively easy battle, so he let her take it. The warrior side of him couldn't help but be taken aback by her talent. Watching as the Grat fall limp, he noticed a fluidity to her movement that he'd never paid attention to; it was hard to admit, but nobody he'd ever fought beside possessed something so natural. In the past, he had focused squarely on only what was in front of him, but now taking a moment to observe without old prejudices, he could recognize the skill.
Fighting alongside her brought his mind back to his field exam. That had been well over a year now – it could have been a lifetime ago. It again proved to him how much life itself had changed. The commander was never big on saying 'changed' in regards to himself or people in general. He never believed he had 'changed' because, in his mind, that would imply that he 'fixed himself' for an outside source.
He had grown; he would admit that, maybe going as far as saying matured. Of course, that was still an ongoing process. Then again, so was life.
But being here now and watching his former instructor take down the enemy reminded him of the Fire Cave. Squall could still recall his irritation - when he thought of her less as an instructor and more as a burden. With Quistis, it never felt like it was about teaching him as a student, but about treating him as an equal; it was about wanting to be his confidant, his best friend (or more).
They weren't best friends.
They really weren't now either.
But still they were different.
He still got annoyed with her. Then again at times he got annoyed with everyone, himself and Rinoa included.
Yet, for the last thirty minutes Quistis wasn't trying to be his best friend, his friend, or anything else for that matter. She hadn't tried to get him to open up or talk about feelings like some arm-chair psychiatrist. He really liked this Quistis – the one who had let it go upstairs.
"Thank you."
Saying that felt strange. Squall certainly didn't think he'd be the one to speak first, yet there it was. He blamed this new personality quirk on Rinoa's influence – it was damn confusing.
The instructor was just as confused. Raising an eyebrow she questioned, "For what?"
"For not making me explain."
"Well, you said you were fine. I've got to respect that."
Shaking his head, he rested his weapon the training room floor. "Even if you know it's not true?"
"Especially because I know it's not true."
"You confuse me."
She shrugged.
"Well you confused me. Call us even."
At times she knew a lot about him but, in the same respect, she knew little. Squall Leonhart was constantly a paradox.
"You'll talk in your own timeframe - when you're ready. If you're ready."
"Maybe." He wasn't entirely convinced of her words or her letting it go so easily. Old habits and all that, now he wondered if this was reverse psychology. "I find it hard to believe you tracked me down just to be satisfied by a simple 'fine.' You had something you wanted to say. You still do."
She inwardly smiled there was the combative personality she knew. This moment felt like coming home again.
"Fine. To some degree, you're right... But my stopping by was never about giving advice. You and Rinoa are my friends. I wanted to offer my support in any way I could - from listening, to annihilating Grats, and everything in between. I'm here."
She smiled kindly, brushing the sweat-dampened hair from her face. Her tone then became sympathetic; she knew what it was like to live her life under a microscope. "Squall, I understand that you're a guarded person and that article took a very personal aspect of your life and made it a tongue-in-cheek joke. And then, after last night Rinoa staying the night and then this morning, I wanted to check on you – and no, you don't owe me an answer. You're a friend, knowing someone's here is important. I wanted to know how she's doing too. Though after how upset you were in your office and the fact that you're in the training center, killing everything with a rather obvious vengeance… Well, that's answer enough. Some people speak through words, you speak through action."
The commander had listened - to some degree.
He couldn't say that he hadn't tuned her out, but this time it was for a very specific reason. How would Quistis know about him being with Rinoa? Yes, there was that off chance that she'd run into his girlfriend but, if that had been the case, why would she ask how Rinoa was handling everything?
There was something about this he didn't like. Call it a gut instinct or intuition. Hell, call it knowing how completely asinine students could be. For the first time since they stopped to talk, he scanned the area making sure no one was around. Seeing it clear, he quickly ushered Quistis off of the main pathway. Not that he was a fan of this place the least, but he stormed ahead into the secret area hoping to talk privately. Plus, the last thing he wanted was to get drawn into some damn battle right now – mainly a plant or dinosaur. Instinct told him that he might not feel the same way about some of Garden's more human residents when all was said and done.