Huge thanks go to the-lady-of-misthaven and zengoalie for beta'ing. Even bigger thanks to o-u-a-timer for not only being an amazing friend, but for being my cheerleader when it comes to this fic!

I am not going to lie, my stomach is turning because I am posting this... I am a little nervous because this chapter reveals so much. It's going to be though people. Hang in there. (Remember happy endings are better when you have to work for them)

Thank you for all the follows, favs, and reviews...they make me so happy!

TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU HAVE ISSUE WITH THE LOSS OF A CHILD/THE LOSS OF THE ABILITY TO HAVE CHILDREN/ANYTHING ALONG THOSE LINES...PLEASE SKIP THE FLASHBACK.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT or its characters. Also, this is where we get into the M territory.

Three and a Half Months Ago.

An incessant beeping pulled Emma back into consciousness. The smell of disinfectant assaulted her nose and it crinkled in response. Slowly, almost painfully, her eyes opened. She barely gave them time to adjust before shutting them tightly again. Why was it so bright? Where was her phone? She reached a hand out only to be hindered by something tugging at the skin of her arm. Turning her head so one side lie flat on her pillow, she forced her eyes open to see the source of the tugging, an IV that was placed in her arm. Squinting, her eyebrows knit together in confusion. She rotated her head again to scan the stark white walls of the hospital room, which contained nothing except a small couch, chair, IV stand, and the bed she lie on. None of this made any sense. Why was she here?

Pain rippled through her abdomen causing her to gasp. Her eyes widened. Slowly, it all began to come back to her...

Pain. She had woken up with pain radiating from her lower abdomen. Pain so intense it had taken her breath away. She tried to stand but as soon as she was upright another wave of sharp pain rippled through her, this time accompanied by nausea. She'd barely made it to the bathroom before her stomach rebelled and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Several times.

Crawling on her hands and knees, it seemed like hours before she finally made it to the nightstand where her phone lie. Her phone call to emergency services lasted mere seconds before they assured her they were sending an ambulance as swiftly as possible. Her next phone call was to Killian. As she waited patiently for her husband to answer, pain continued to pulsate throughout her. A whimper escaped her as a particularly strong wave hit her and she hung up the phone without thinking to leave a message.

Ten agonizing minutes later, footsteps sounded in the hallway. Quickly they placed her on a stretcher and carried her to the back of an ambulance to be taken to the hospital. As soon as she arrived, they had taken her in for emergency surgery.

In her hospital bed, Emma stared blindly at the wall. Ovarian cysts. That is what they suspected it was. She didn't know what that meant for her though. Could she develop cysts again? How would they affect her getting pregnant?

A knock from the door pulled her from her thoughts. Emma turned her head to meet the gentle, kind eyes of a nurse. She was petite with reddish brown hair that was pulled back into a ponytail.

"Hey. You're awake." The nameless nurse walked toward her bed, giving her an easy smile. "I'm Belle. I'll be your nurse for the next couple of hours. I'm just going to check your vitals and then I'll page Dr. Whale so he can give you an update on your procedure. Does that sound okay?"

"Yeah. That'd be great. Do you...do you know where my phone is?" Her voice was hoarse due to the breathing tube they used during surgery.

"Oh! Of course, it's right here." Belle opened the drawer on the bedside table. Pulling out her phone, she placed it Emma's waiting hand.

"Thanks." As Belle worked on getting her vitals, Emma swiped her finger across the screen and pulled up her call log. Her heart sank, Killian still hadn't called her back. Where was he?

"Alright, Mrs. Jones. I'm going to go page Dr. Whale. He should be here momentarily. Is there anything else I can get you?" Belle placed both hands on the bedrail.

"Maybe some water? If that is okay?" Her throat was really sore and her mouth dry.

"Sure. I'll be back soon." Smiling, Belle waved her hand and walked out of the door.

Left alone, Emma grabbed her phone again and dialed Killian. He needed to be here. She needed him, needed him to hold her hand and tell her things were going to be okay. She wanted to feel safe in his arms.

You've reached Killian. Apologies for not answering, leave a message and I will return the call in a tic.

"Mrs. Jones? Do you have a minute." Emma looked at who she presumed was her doctor and hung up the phone without leaving a message.

"Dr. Whale? Please come in." He smiled softly and walked into the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Mrs. Jones, I wanted to discuss some of the specifics of your procedure with you." He pulled an ipad from his lab coat and began swiping.

"Emma, please. I know they said something about ovarian cysts, but was there something else?" Emma studied her doctor, trying to find her answers in his form.

"Emma." He nodded, giving her a tight smile. "You came into the ER with sharp abdominal pain. We conducted a ultrasound and saw, what we thought were, ovarian cysts on both of your ovaries. We rushed you into surgery with the intention of removing the cysts."

She could feel her heart thumping in her chests. "Intention? I don't think I understand." She wrung her hands in her lap.

"Mrs. Jones, Emma. On the way to the operating room, a cyst on each of your ovaries ruptured."

Ruptured. The word repeated in her head over and over. Her stomach twisted and her hand came to rest over the surgical dressing covering her abdomen. Ruptured.

Dr. Whale walked next to her bed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Emma. We had to perform and emergency Laparotomy and remove both ovaries. There was so much damage, so much internal bleeding, I had no choice."

She couldn't breathe. A heaviness had settled on her chest. This… this couldn't be real. Her hands began to tremble over her abdomen. This was a dream, it had to be. Except it wasn't. The slight throbbing of her abdomen confirmed that. Frantic, her eyes searched Dr. Whale's own for a hint of ...something, anything to indicate to her that he was lying. His eyes were full of compassion, of regret, but they held not a single hint of deception. Face crumpling in agony, tears rained from her eyes blurring her vision. How could he let this happen? He was a doctor, it was his job to prevent things like this from happening. It was his job to… A broken wail escaped, her quivering hand covered her mouth. She couldn't… Her heart broke into a million pieces. She would never know what it was like to carry a child of her own, to place her hand over her stomach and feel her child kick. The possibility had been ripped away from her. She looked down at the hand still resting over her abdomen. A feeling of loss settled in her chest. She would never gaze into her child's eyes, eyes that were so full of love, and kiss their forehead. She would never be a mother.

She vaguely heard Dr. Whale ask her if there was anyone they could call. She shook her head and a moment later she heard the door shut behind him. Sobs racked her body. She didn't want to talk to anyone. They would just tell her that everything was okay, that she would be okay. They were wrong. Losing the possibility of having a child was...it was something she would never recover from. She wanted nothing more than to be a mother. To provide a child with unconditional love, the type of love she had never experienced as a child, the type of love a child deserves. Having a child meant...it meant second chances. A second chance at having the family she had wanted so desperately as a child.

Her hands covered her face as she weeped into them. Killian. She needed Killian. Her hand searched the bed for her phone once again. Through tears, she dialed her husband.

You've reached Killian. Apologies for…

A frustrated sob escapes as Emma ended the call and cradled her phone to her chest. Why is she even surprised that he didn't answer? He was never there when she needed him and if there was ever a time that she needed him, it would be now. Now, when she had lost so much, when their family had lost so much.

It had been days since she last spoken to him. Days. Yet, he couldn't find a single moment to return her phone call. Even when she had called three times, which was not something she normally did. No, he'd always placed his career before her, before them. Why would this moment be any different?

Shaking her head, she wiped the tears from her eyes. She was so tired of living like this, of being alone, of never seeing her husband. She loved him, that was never going to change. Sometimes being in love was easy, it was fun. And sometimes...

Sometimes it hurts.

Emma wanted to run, but her feet were frozen in their place. Seeing him again was like being punched in the gut, in the very place she often found her hands resting. She hadn't seen him since the night she walked out and it was jarring to her system. Her gaze roamed up and down his body. There were bags under his eyes, it was the first thing she noticed. Those weren't there in the pictures with his new girlfriend. The thought made her smile a bit and then frown. Maybe they were there because he wasn't sleeping, because he was away from his new blonde. His hair was longer too. It fell over his ears, into his eyes, and caused him to run his hands through it several times while he stood still and stared at her. He'd never wore it this long before. Her heart clenched. She must like it better this way.

Tilting her head to the side, she wondered if it was all a set up, if Mary Margaret and David had set this whole romantic evening cook-out up for the sole purpose of bringing her and Killian together. Shifting her head, she glared at her friend standing next to her. Mary Margaret gave her a sheepish look before shrugging her shoulders and making her way to David, who was across the yard. So it had been a set up. She had been set up by her best friend and husband. Too bad, they had wasted their time. She had no desire to talk to Killian, no desire to even be in the same area he was in.

She shook her head. Why was he here? Clenching her fists, she turned to make her way to the front door. One thing was for sure, she wasn't going to stay to find out.

"Emma!" His voice rung out as soon as she made it through the back door, but she ignored it.

Her heart raced in her chest. She had nothing left to say to him. If she could just make it to her car, she could continue avoiding him altogether. She could ignore his calls and move on with her life, while he moved on with the new blonde.

She made it to the living room in the front of the house before his hand curled around her elbow suddenly, spinning her around to face him. His cheeks were tinged pink from running after her, his breath labored. She tried to pull her arm free from his hold, but he held firm. Why couldn't he just leave her be? Hadn't he already hurt her enough?

"Let me go, Killian." Her voice was hard as she narrowed her eyes in his direction.

"Emma, please. I am just asking for a moment. A single moment." His eyes pleaded with her.

She shook her head as tears pricked her eyes. Her shoulders sagged in defeat, her voice a hollow whisper. "What's her name, Killian? Your new girlfriend. Is that what you came to explain? To tell me why you thought it would be appropriate to travel the country with her when you still hadn't signed the divorce papers?" She swiped at the tears in her eyes in annoyance.

"Lass, she's… she's not my girlfriend." His hand dropped from her elbow, eyes widened in shock, and yet she didn't believe him. How could she? When pictures of him and her cuddling were on the cover of every magazine she saw.

Her stomach twisted violently. The fact that he used 'lass' was not lost on her, either. She wasn't his 'love,' she wasn't his anything, and hadn't been for a long while.

Holding her hand up in defense, she looked him in the eye. "I don't want to hear it. I'm done. I'm so far past done. The divorce papers are in my purse in the car. I'll get them now. The sooner you sign them, the sooner this will all be over and you can live your happily ever after with her."

Turning on her heel, she bit her lip to keep from crying out. He couldn't see her cry, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Even if it felt like she was dying inside, she would wait until she got back to the apartment to break down.

"Emma! Wait, please!" He sounded desperate, but she continued to walk. "Wait! I love you! Please!"

His words froze her in her place. She closed her eyes, fists curling at her side, and took a deep breath. She had never been so thankful that they were alone in the house. How dare he, how dare he throw those words in her face after what he had done. She could feel her cheeks flush as anger coursed through her body. Slowly, she turned to meet his gaze.

"You love me?" She took a step forward. "You have a funny fucking way of showing it, Killian." Another step forward. "How could you?" She took another step forward, backing him against the wall of the living room, they were inches apart now. "You love me? Does your new girlfriend know this?" She shoved her finger into his chest. "Or do you just tell her that you love her, too?"

She was seething as she waited for him to reply, waited for him to explain his actions. He stared at her, eyes full of shock, but said nothing. Shaking her head, she let out a sigh.

"Even better. Now you're lying to both of us. Can I go get the papers now, or do you have any more grand declarations?" Her foot tapped the floor impatiently.

She watched as Killian opened his mouth to say something, shook his head, and then closed it. She wanted him to scream, to tell her that she was wrong, that she was right...something. But he just stood there, watching her, eyes wide.

"You have nothing to say? Nothing?" She could feel her anger deflating, replaced by disappointment. "Why am I even surprised? You don't care, you haven't for awhile."

His eyes shifted from shock to anger to disbelief in a matter of seconds. His jaw clenched and then released. Pushing himself off the wall, he invaded her space. Before she knew what happened, he grabbed her elbow again and spun them so she was flat against the wall. His hand rested on the wall next to her head. Seeing him finally take charge was like dousing the anger in her body. It shocked her, but at the same time it was refreshing. Gulping, she looked into his eyes.

"I care, Emma." His voice was soft, contradicting his body language. "I care so bloody much. I've spent the last three months drinking myself into oblivion because I care." His arm moved from the wall, back to his side and she felt her body relax.

"Drinking and being with another woman doesn't really strike me as someone who cares, as someone who loves me." She challenged with a eyebrow raised.

"Well, lass. It's a little hard to show somebody you care when they won't accept your calls." His lips formed a straight line.

"I have my reasons for avoiding your calls, for avoiding you. All of which were amplified when I saw you with your new love." She bit her lip and tried to keep her voice even.

"My new love?" His features crinkled in confusion. His head drew back slightly, eyes closing as he let out a frustrated breath. "She isn't my new love. I love you, Emma Jones, only you." He opened his eyes and they bore into her, intense and pleading. She could physically feel his need for her to understand his words. Her skin prickled under his gaze. Tears formed in her own eyes and he used his finger to gently wipe them away before continuing softly. "I have since the moment I saw you. I know I messed up by agreeing to go out with Tink. I know you're hurt, but if you give me a chance I can explain. Come with me to the house so we can talk. Please, I'm just asking for a chance."

She was reminded of when he'd asked her out for the first time. He'd looked at her with those piercing eyes and a hopeful grin, a dorky Optimus Prime shirt hung loose on his frame paired with ripped jeans and converses. I'm just asking for a chance, Swan.

She wanted to say no, wanted to pretend like what he said didn't matter to her, but she was exhausted. He had hurt her so much, in so many different ways. Hurt her in ways that he didn't even know about yet, ways that he would likely never know about. The truth of the matter was, she needed to hear his explanation, needed to hear why he was with that woman. She nodded to herself several times before taking a deep breath. She squared her shoulders and lifted her body off of the wall.

"Okay." She whispered as she looked into his anxious eyes. "Okay, I'll go."

The ride back to the house was silent. Her entire body felt like a spring that was coiled too tightly. Her legs jittered in her seat. Lightly, she pressed a hand down to steady them. She had insisted that she take her own car to her former home, in case she needed to leave. Killian had tried to protest but, after she'd told him it was the only way she would agree to go, he relented.

She'd been so angry earlier, at him and at herself. Letting that anger rule her had felt good, great even, but now that she was stuck in a car all of that anger was gone. It was replaced with a feeling of apprehension, and maybe longing. She ran her fingers through her long locks while watching the back of his car in front of her. She had no idea what to expect when they arrived back at the house, no idea what he had to say. He'd told her he loved her, that he'd messed up by going out with the new blonde - Tink - and he knew that it hurt her. Her heart had swelled hearing him say those words, but it didn't change anything between them.

He was still Killian Jones, lead singer of The Dashing Rapscallions, and she was still Emma Jones, social worker. He would still be gone most of the time, leaving her alone, and she still couldn't give him the family he wanted, that she wanted. On top of all of that, he didn't even know what had happened to her, to them, and she didn't know if she could ever forgive him for not being there when she needed him the most, when she needed him period.

The opening of their front gates pulled her out of her thoughts and her breath hitched as their house came into view. It looked exactly the same as the last time she was here, it always looked the same on the outside. Killian placed the car into park, exited it and moved to stand at her own door. Gradually, she rotated her head to meet his hopeful eyes. The corners of his lips curled into a slight smile as he opened her car door. He stood awkwardly for a moment, scratching behind his ear before speaking.

"Ready to go in?" He held his hand out to help her up and out of the car.

It took her a minute to decide to take his hand, a full minute which felt like hours. In all honesty, she was trying to avoid unnecessary contact between them, all it did was make her heart race, make her never want to let go. Placing her hand in his, the other one came to rest over her incision protectively. Even three and a half months after surgery, she still experienced slight pain if she pulled or twisted her stomach the wrong way. It was normal, or so Dr. Whale had told her. Six to eight week recovery time and all that. Emma noticed Killian's eyes darken when they landed on the hand over her stomach, but mercifully he said nothing. She was nowhere near ready to discuss with him what had happened. It was still too fresh, too final.

She pulled her hand out of his the moment she was on her feet and turned her eyes to the ground. Don't look into his eyes. You'll just see disappointment there. Wordlessly, she followed behind him as he made his way to the front door and unlocked it.

Walking through the door was an entirely different experience than the last time she'd been here. This time the house looked just as clean as when she left it. All of the broken picture frames had been replaced with new ones. There was a new coffee table in the center of the living room. Sitting her purse on the counter she slowly walked down the foyer, her hand lightly touching the wall as she went. Coming to stand in the living room, Emma allowed herself a moment to revel in the fact that she was home. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed this place, how much she missed the feeling of completeness that came with being in one's home.

"Can I get you something to drink?" From behind her, his voice rung out over the silence, causing her to jump slightly and pivot to face him.

She shook her head at his question, taking a seat on the couch. Her hands picked at the suede fabric nervously. Killian stood at the edge of the living room. shifting from one foot to the other. His hand alternated between running through his too long hair or scratching at the nape of his neck while he worried his bottom lip. What a pair they made, married for eight years and they couldn't even talk to each other anymore. They had no idea how to even approach each other. Her heart twisted. Had they really drifted this far apart?

"Where, um, where would you like to start?" His voice pulled her back from her thoughts as he arched his eyebrow in question.

The question should have been simple, but it wasn't. There was so much they could talk about, so much pain they needed to address. She didn't even know where to start, how to fix it.

"Killian, just..." The words died in her throat as she bit the inside of her cheek. Her eyes met his and she silently begged him to just understand what she wanted, to understand what she needed him to do in that moment.

He closed his eyes and nodded his head in understanding. Opening his eyes, he gave her a slight smile before tugging lightly at his ear.

"Aye. Best to start at the most recent and move back from there. Her name is Tink and Malcolm hired her to pose as my girlfriend. According to him, the fans had noticed all too well what things between us were doing to me and this was his solution." As he spoke, he walked further into the room.

Her face shifted into confusion. "So you just went along with this? Knowing that seeing you with someone else, when we were technically still married, would hurt me."

His widened, astonished, and his mouth fell open. Shaking his head in confusion, he stared at her keenly. "Why did it hurt you so much, Emma, when you're the one that left me, you're the one who no longer wanted me?"

She knew he hoped that his question would prompt her to explain, but it had the opposite effect. She pursed her lips together, leaving him with no answer.

Sighing, he sat down next to her, inclining his body in her direction. "I am not going to lie to you and say that I didn't. I did. In fact, I didn't even put up a fight. You had already left and it felt like I had nothing left to lose."

He reached both hands out cautiously, slowly bringing them rest over hers causing her breath to hitch at the contact. It had been so long since she had felt his touch. This time she didn't pull them away. His eyes met hers, asking permission silently, and she tilted her head forward slightly. He turned her hands and intertwined their fingers. She allowed his touch to anchor her, to soothe her as he continued to explain.

"Right after, I knew that I had made a mistake, but I was already too far in. I am so sorry, Emma. So, so sorry. You didn't deserve any of this." She looked down at their joined hands and exhaled slowly. He didn't skip a beat, lifting their hands to her chin and forced her eyes to meet his

Except that she did deserve it, at least some of it. She had been the one to leave him, to set this entire thing in motion. Not that he didn't share some of the blame, but she had a part in it, maybe several.

"She's not your girlfriend then? There was nothing there, nothing at all?" She could hear her heart beating in her chest as she waited for him to answer, her palms dampening with each passing second. She knew that he has told her this not even five minutes ago, but she needed to hear it once more just to put all of her fears to rest.

His eyes softened as he inclined his head slightly. "No." His voice was strong, determined to make her understand. Her breathing quickened as she waited for him to finish.

Releasing one of her hands, he raised his to cup her cheek. Instinctively, she pressed further into his palm. "She is not my girlfriend, Emma." She shut her eyes gently as his words washed over her and he lightly caressed her cheek. "She is nothing to me. I've been a mess without you. You, Emma Jones, you are everything."

Her eyes snapped open in shock, a gasp escaping. His honesty rattled through her and her jaw opened slightly in disbelief. He squeezed the hand still intertwined with hers in reassurance and she felt herself swaying toward him.

You are everything. Those words were her salvation. For so long she had felt like she was an afterthought for Killian, someone he could get to when he was ready, when he had time. It had been years since she had felt like he was an active participant in their marriage, since she felt like she was important.

Now, in the living room of the house they owned together, she realized how much he did love her, how important she was to him. It was refreshing, it was enlightening. It felt like her heart could burst for her chest. He loved her and she loved him. The lightness in her chest was euphoric, it was something she hadn't felt in some time. She wanted to keep that feeling, to latch on and never let it go.

Without thinking, she surged forward and slammed her lips on his. Wasting no time, his hands wove themselves in her hair and he pressed her backwards until her head rested on the arm of the couch. Warmth flooded her body as she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. It was like a piece of her, that had been missing for so long, clicked into place. Home. Kissing him was like coming home.

"Emma…" Her name was a breath on her skin as he pulled away. Hovering over her, he paused a moment his eyes full of lust and want before searching her face. She looked at him and bit her lip. His almost too long hair flopped onto his forehead. One of his hands cradled the back of her head while the other rested on her hip. His breathing was quick, his chest rose and fell from the effects of kissing her for the first time in months. His wide eyes bore into hers asking silent permission.

She knew that at the slightest indication from her, he would back off. Her heart thumped wildly, while her stomach fluttered. There were so many things she had been unsure of in the last several months, but this was not one of them. Her nod was all he needed before his lips were back on hers in a bruising kiss.

Her hands wound around his neck as his lips slide from her mouth over her soft skin, nibbling gently on the way to her throat. His hands were everywhere, her hips, her hair, caressing her arms. Her eyes fluttered close as she relaxed at the feel of him.

A breathless sigh escaped her as she ran her fingertips lightly down his throat, over his chest, and up under his shirt to caress his stomach. He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes. Grounding his hips into her, she could feel him through his jeans. Her body trembled at the feeling of him against her, loving how perfectly they fit together.

His fingertips danced along the hem of her shirt before closing around it, tugging lightly upwards. Her arms lift immediately as she pulls up from the couch, helping him undress her. A moment later her shirt landed in a heap on the floor. His movements still for a moment as he takes in the sight before him. His gaze made her stomach tie in knots, her need to feel him moving against her, with her, growing strong. He leaned back over, nuzzling his nose against her breast and breathing her in. Closing his eyes, he let out a moan. She felt her body tighten in response, she knew that moan. She isn't surprised when his arms circle around and pull her up with him.

"I'll not having our first time together after all this fucking time on the bloody couch, love. I need you in our bed." He was breathless, eyes clouded in hunger and need. Burying his head in her neck, he bit down. "Now." His words were fierce, full of his need to get her to their room as soon as possible.

She was speechless, nodding her head in agreement. All she could hear was him calling her love once again. Looping her arms around his neck, she kissed him deeply. With his hands gripping her hips, he guided her toward the stairs.

After making three pit stops in the hallway they finally made it to their bedroom. Without bothering to turn on the lights, they stumbled into their bed and lost themselves in each other.

So there it is. This chapter is very personal to me because I have a friend who went through the same thing Emma did, and I can no longer have children either. Went I set out to write this story the one thing I wanted to do was make it realistic. I hope I have done that.

Never fear though. We are only just halfway through the story. I have 15 chapters planned out.

As always, thank you so so so much for reading and please leave a review if you are up to it.