A/N: Sorry this is so long overdue. It took me a while to get the inspiration for it. I'm sincerely flattered by everyone who keeps saying they wish this story wouldn't end, etc. I'm sorry to say that there will probably only be two more chapters after this. I'm writing a Brittana fic, called Dark Side, if you guys are interested in following my writing in general. It's pretty good. I don't know though, from what I've gathered, the lot of you are hardcore Quinntana shippers. :P
Chapter 24
"Santana?" Brittany's voice whispered out in the darkness. I snatched my eyes open, suddenly very awake. It was weird, like one moment I was in the depths of sleep and the next, I was blinking away slumber and all my muscles were coiled and tense, like I was ready to sprint away.
"Yeah, Britt?" I whispered back. It was still night time, and I couldn't imagine what would have woken her up. I shifted in the bed, sliding towards her so that our bodies were facing one another. I couldn't see much of anything except her gray outline in the shadows.
"You were talking in your sleep," Brittany murmured. She reached her hand out and brushed her fingertips against my face.
I blinked. "What about?" I felt nerves jangling in my stomach.
"Something about Quinn.." Brittany said with a little sigh. I flinched against the information, trying to keep it out of my heart.
"That's weird," I said. "Aren't you sleepy?" I didn't know how Brittany wasn't bone tired. Just a few hours ago, we'd gorged on turkey and mashed potatoes and green bean casserole, Loretta Pierce style. I love Brittany's mom's cooking more than most, and so I had only picked at the early brunch my family prepared for the holiday. I'd been spending Thanksgiving with Brittany and her family since I was a kid, and it still felt normal and right to be doing it now. It was also a tradition for me to spend the night with Britt afterwards, the two of us curling up on her bed and watching the Macy's parade on the television while her dad and uncles whooped and hollered over football downstairs. The continuity of it, the general comfort of it, was enough to soothe away all the tension and ache that I'd been carrying around inside for the last few weeks. Brittany always had that effect on me, something I had never given myself a chance to realize, since we'd never spent so much time apart. Just being around her was like a balm to anything that ailed me.
I felt, rather than saw, Brittany shaking her head in the darkness. "Nope, I can't sleep for some reason." Her voice had a coy quality to it, like she was being mischievous.
It kinda put me on high alert. I tensed when Brittany shifted in the bed and slid closer to me, wrapping her leg over my hip and scooting my body closer to hers. Suddenly, our faces were flush together and we were breathing the same air. For the first time ever, the move didn't have me melting. My eyes flew open wide with shock, and I went rigid against her.
Damnit, damnit, damnit.. I swore internally. This was exactly the type of situation I'd been working hard to avoid over the last few days.
"What's wrong?" Brittany murmured. She brought her face in close and I got that tight, gut-wrenching sensation I always got right before Brittany was going to kiss me. Instead of sending waves of heat through my body, though, all it did was induce a slight panic.
"Uh, Britt?" I said, my voice high-pitched and a little strangled. "Um, whatcha doing?"
"What does it look like..?" Brittany breathed, and the next thing I knew she was pressing a kiss against my neck.
I closed my eyes tight and swallowed. "Brittany," I said, trying to sound firm. "What about Artie?"
"Hmm, what about him?" Brittany asked, and I winced when I felt her teeth against my skin.
It's so hard trying to do the right thing, it really is. Because I've never not wanted Brittany, honestly. I think I was born wanting her. She fits against me like we were meant to be together, and she can do some seriously amazing things with her body, thanks to gymnastics lessons and dance class early on in life. I'd always offered up silent prayers of thanks for her parents' good judgment in that area.
"Britt, wait," I said, pushing against her. She huffed and drew back. I struggled a bit and then sat up, smoothing my hand through my hair.
Brittany did the same, and I could sense that she was facing me. I was suddenly very glad for the cover of darkness, because I knew this would be doubly hard to do if I was looking at her face.
"I don't think it's such a good idea that we, you know," I said finally.
"What? Why not?" Brittany said, sounding puzzled.
"Because you have a boyfriend.." I said, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
"So? That didn't bother you when you were with Puck." Brittany said flippantly, and then she shifted in the bed again. I got a little nervous until I realized she was facing me instead of sitting right next to me. Her hands were smoothing over my knees and the sensation was instantly soothing.
"Britt, that was different," I said, biting my lip.
"How?" She continued rubbing at my knees.
"I didn't care about Puckerman, he was just.. an amusement." I said finally. "Don't you care about Artie?"
"Sure I do." Brittany said, and I could practically feel her shrug. "But so what?"
"Then this would be cheating, right?" I was trying to lead her to that conclusion gently, but as with most things, Brittany couldn't be gently led. She had to be bulldozed into it.
"Oh, right, if you were a boy," Brittany said with a grin in her voice.
I winced and had to practically stop myself from slapping my forehead. God, Santana, how fucked up are you, I chastised myself. This whole stupid, ugly, rotten thing is my fault. My fault Brittany doesn't take relationships seriously.
"No, Brittany, I think he would consider it cheating," I said levelly.
Brittany paused, and I could imagine her tilting her head like she always does when she's trying to work out something new and different. "Um, but you said that sex with girls isn't cheating," Brittany told me finally. She continued her ministrations against my knees.
I sighed. "I know I said that, Britt." I wish I could go back in time and strangle that thoughtless, selfish girl. That girl didn't give a shit about anybody but her own self, her own pleasure, and her own needs. Now Brittany has a warped sense of commitment and it's entirely my fault. "I was wrong, though."
I could tell Brittany didn't like that I'd said that. She drew away from me, and sat up straight. Now I was dying to be able to see her face, to make out what she was thinking. I felt helpless, like I always do whenever I'm at Atherton and I'm having a conversation with Brittany on the phone. It was maddening.
"Do you just.. not want me anymore?" Brittany said, confusion in her voice.
"God, no, Britt, not that," I said, desperately. I couldn't handle the idea of hurting her, I really couldn't. Brittany had never done anything to deserve that, and I knew this giant fucked up situation was my fault. "Just, I don't want you to be a cheater, okay?" I tried to sound light and encouraging. "You're better than that."
I could hear Brittany take in a tense breath and then let it out. "I guess." She didn't sound convinced, though.
My heart felt like it was being sliced in two. I quickly shifted in the bed and then practically crawled into Brittany's lap, nestling against her. She pulled her arms around me reflexively, and I took in a deep breath, inhaling her scent. I pressed my ear against her chest and felt the steady pulse of her heart in her ribcage.
"You're my best friend, you know that, right?" I whispered.
Brittany nodded against me, and ran her fingers through my hair. I squeezed my arms around her in an awkward hug, and felt her return the pressure. "I love you," I murmured to her.
"I love you too, Santana," Brittany said. It warmed my heart, just like it did every time since the first time.
Now, though, with my body pressed against her and my senses full of her, for the first time, I wasn't yelling at myself that the feeling I had was wrong. Because before, I was just trying to convince myself that every single thing that Brittany made me feel wasn't normal, and that I needed to suppress it and run away from it. Things had changed, and now I didn't have to fight with myself to convince myself that it was wrong. I just knew it was. Brittany's body fit around me perfectly, like a hand in a tailored glove, but it still felt off. I missed Quinn's slightly thicker arms and slightly more compact body, and my mind was full of Quinn's voice and Quinn's laugh.
The bigger part of me, the better part, was yelling at me to just tell Brittany already. To just tell her and get it over with. Because Brittany deserved to know. She'd been carrying this torch for me for however many years, and especially since last year, was trying to get me to come clean about my feelings for her, and for women in general. Brittany had been stubbornly guiding me on this path since the first time we kissed and it took my breath away.
But I'm a coward. I'm a coward because I can't bring myself to do it, because part of me knows that Brittany would shatter like glass with the knowledge. Just like I can't bring myself to admit to Quinn that I do love her, am in love with her, because I just can't face what that means. It's too big and complicated and my life is full of too much stuff right now for me to deal with it.
"I miss you so much," Brittany whispered into my hair. I had begun drifting off, secure in her arms, and her voice jolted me slightly.
I nodded, and snugged tighter against her. "I know. Me, too." I whispered back. I stared out in the darkness. To me, my own words sounded too much like goodbye.
"Are you nervous?" I whispered to Quinn. There was a flurry of noise and movement around us, but Quinn was still and solid in the middle of it all, like a rock in a storm.
Her hair was artfully layered against her head, and we were wearing matching silver dresses with black sashes and glimmering heels. She was sitting in a cushy looking chair, her legs crossed, with the fingers of one hand tapping against her forehead. She turned her eyes towards me, away from the sight of Sugar screeching at some hapless sophomore girl about using her lipstick.
"I don't really know," Quinn said to me, and even though her voice was steady and like ice, I could sense the uneasiness directly below her words. I propped against the arm rest of the chair, and reached down to tangle our fingers together.
"You're gonna do great," I told her warmly.
Quinn flashed me a brief smile, looked at our meshed hands, and then slowly drew them apart. "Thanks. But the last time I performed on stage, I went into labor.." She drew the sentence out and just looked out into the room.
I nodded, and rubbed my hand over her bare shoulder in encouragement. "It's okay, Q. This song is perfect for you."
Quinn smirked at me, but then just folded her arms across her midsection.
"Okay, ladies! It's now or never!" Miss Holiday said as the lights in the room flashed. All the girls began chattering and buzzing around, and Quinn and I stood up slowly.
"Good luck," I whispered to her.
We all took our positions on the stage, our backs turned to the audience. The music began and I felt the tingle of nervous energy jolt through my limbs and up my spine before I exhaled, and then everything just became instinct.
I spun around and belted out the first verse:
"Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight, 'cause I can't do nothin' right.."
I twirled, kicked, and danced, and finally ended with my hand aimed at Quinn. She stepped forward, into the spotlight, and sang:
"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself.."
I flashed her a smile as the entire group took up the chorus.
"Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah."
I didn't have time to think about what I was doing, I just simply did it. I was a muscle machine, programmed to dance in synchronization with the other girls. I kept my eyes trained to Quinn, though, always peripherally aware of her. We both stepped forward from the throng of dancing girls and looked at each other as we sang the next part together:
"Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me somethin'?
A day in the life of someone else..
'Cause I'm a hazard to myself."
The chorus swelled again and we ended the routine to complete silence. Then, like the slow swell of a distant stampede, applause thundered throughout the building. My chest was heaving with the effort to pull in oxygen, and I slanted Quinn a triumphant smile. The one she flashed back at me was full of giddy pride.
We gathered together with Miss Holiday and the other groups as the judges announced the winners. It felt surreal and far off, to be doing this again, but this time in drastically different circumstances. The last time, Quinn and I had been shunted to the back, harmonizing with everyone else. And as soon as our performance was over, Quinn was rocked by labor. She gave birth to her daughter as Vocal Adrenaline blew our rapshod collection of Journey songs out of the water.
Still, I sorta missed the annoying, nasally whine of Rachel Berry and Finn's dufus grin, Mr. Schue's hopeful face and the presence of people that were more than just classmates to me. I clutched at Quinn, gripping her hands together tightly in mine. It was like my whole body was wound criminally tight and it would twist in half any moment.
"And the winner is…" The announcer's voice trailed out over the silence, full of anticipation. "The Vox!" The whole room erupted into cheers.
I smiled and immediately found Quinn's eyes. She was grinning like a crazy person and I could see all of her teeth. It ignited a warm flush down my body and I immediately wrapped myself around her in a huge hug.
The other girls were all screaming and jumping up and down, gripping each other. Miss Holiday walked over to accept the trophy. I smirked at Quinn and gripped her hand tightly, and turned and wove through the tight assembly of bodies.
"What are you doing?" Quinn asked with a laugh in her voice. I smiled at her once we'd disappeared from the stage, and we were tucked into a secret little nook in the wings. There were people bustling around, working with the lighting and sound equipment, but nobody paid us any attention.
"Shh," I shushed Quinn and pressed her tighter against the wall, nudging in between a metal rack and the curtains of the stage. Quinn's eyes flashed to mine in a knowing look, and then talking wasn't necessary between us. Quinn's whole body vibrated with heat and hunger, and she met my lips with intense ferocity when I smashed our faces together.
The kiss was full of passion and desire, and nothing about it was soothing or gentle. It was all teeth and tongues and mindless pressure. Before long my face felt swollen and hot, lips and cheeks plumping and turning pink, and my breath exploded in my chest with a frenzy.
Quinn's hands were clawing down my back, impatiently, and I slid my hand against the smooth contour of her stomach, scratching against the fabric of her silver dress. Quinn grunted when I slid my mouth against her neck, teasing the flesh there. I felt her press her hips desperately against mine.
Suddenly, Quinn's entire body snapped rigid, and I could tell by the way she gasped that something wasn't right. I pulled away to look at her face in confusion, and I saw with mounting horror that her eyes were snapped wide open and guilt was written all over her face.
"Brittany," Quinn mouthed, and that just intensified my confusion.
"What?" I asked, perplexed.
Then I heard the sound of a sob breaking out behind me, and my whole body went cold. I slowly, slowly turned around, my heart sinking in my chest. I didn't want to confront what I knew was going to be right behind me.
"Oh, god," I whispered, still in denial, even though my eyes were glued to Brittany's shape. She was wearing tight jeans and a longsleeved shirt, and her hair was pressed and pretty. I barely registered the form of Rachel Berry right next to her, pressing a reassuring palm against Brittany's lower back.
"Britt—" I tried to say something comforting, I really did. I edged closer to her, keenly aware of how Brittany's face was wrinkled up with pain and how tears were slowly leaking down her face.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Brittany whispered. She kept jerking her eyes between Quinn and I and I felt like I was shrinking beneath her gaze.
Because sex isn't dating, I said in my mind, but I couldn't find the way to bring the words out. I just watched, helpless, and Brittany crumpled further and further into herself. She looked more confused than anything, and that was probably was hurt me the most of all.
"I just thought.. I mean.." Brittany stuttered. Rachel was whispering to her, soothing little nonsense words and I was immediately jealous. I was jealous of the way Rachel was close to Brittany, that it was Rachel comforting Brittany's hurt, and not me.
"I just thought you felt that way about me," Brittany whispered, finally. My face tightened and I had to swallow several times.
Sex with girls isn't cheating, I thought to myself again. I mean, it's the thing I'd been telling Brittany for years, right? Sex isn't dating and sex with girls isn't cheating, so how could I have known this would hurt her? But of course I did. Of course I knew that, no matter what, somehow, someone was going to end up hurt at the end of this. I felt a wave of shame crash down on me, and my whole body heated up.
"There was nothing to tell, Britt," I muttered, finally. I suddenly became very aware of Quinn's presence behind me, like the focus of her eyes had palpable weight. I tensed and repressed a shudder, waiting for the wave of anger and hurt to roll off of her, too. I deserved it, and I was ready for it. "I mean, it's just.."
"No!" Brittany said abruptly, and her refusal to hear me out felt like a slap. I felt my heart slowly crumbling as she pushed the tears off of her cheeks angrily. "You should have told me!"
I nodded, because I already knew that. "I'm sorry." I whispered hoarsely.
"Let's go, Brittany," it was the first thing Rachel had said that I could hear. I wanted to stop her. Everything in me screamed to reach out and pull her against me, to stop her from leaving. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was glued to the spot and I was helpless to watch her go.
"Brittany.." Quinn said again, louder. She stepped forward and was next to me, and we both watched as Britt and Rachel disappeared off to the side of the stage.
I glanced around blindly, trying desperately to find something to hold on to since it felt like my world was slowly shattering. Quinn pressed her fingers against my forearm, and I've never felt like more of a piece of shit. I didn't deserve Quinn's kindness, not now. Not ever, really.
"This sucks," Quinn said after a tense moment, and I just nodded.
I felt like I should be crying. Something. I mean, Brittany is probably the most important person in my life, and always has been. I've never made her cry like that before, ever. I know I've done some screwed up shit in the past but this was going to go down as one of the worst things I've ever done.
My whole body felt numb. Everything, the noises from the crewmen working around us and the chatter of various voices raised in conversation, was all blurry and foggy. I felt like the further away Brittany got from me, the smaller I grew, until I would eventually evaporate into nothingness.
"I never wanted this to happen." I whispered, and pressed my eyes tightly closed.
Quinn was in front of me, and she hugged me against her. I shook my head, because I didn't want her to hold me. I couldn't really fight against it either, though. My arms felt like they had no weight or substance.
I should have been honest with Brittany, with myself, and with Quinn. Part of me knew it the whole time and another part of me reeled from the shock of the information. I mean, I'd only just recently come to terms with the idea that I'm probably a lesbian. I was fighting that realization with everything in me, and it left me more confused and lost than anything else. And then the thing with Quinn.. it was new and different and exciting, but mostly terrifying. Quinn's my friend. She's always been my friend, and when we slammed through the lines that defined "just friends" into "something more" everything got complicated.
It wasn't supposed to be so complicated, I thought to myself desperately. I was still trying hard to work out how I'd gotten where I was now, and when everything spiraled so far out of control.
The next few weeks passed by in a gray haze. Winter finally took over the mountains, and Morrow was cloaked in thick snow that piled almost two feet high. Atherton, nestled in a valley, was spared the worst of the wind, but the steep angles created drifts on the grounds that buried our cars and made it almost impossible to go outside.
Quinn and I were sitting together in one of the student snack lounges, her with her laptop open on her lap and me just staring off outside. We were on the third floor, so the entire landscape outside was sandwiched in white. White skies, white snow on the ground, with the brittle black silhouettes of dead trees breaking against the horizon.
"You okay?" Quinn asked me, and I nodded, before turning my face towards hers. I still felt oddly numb, like nothing really touched me. My hands clutched around the ceramic of the mug I held, pressing tight against it, almost begging it to burn me. It didn't. I sipped on the cappuccino inside and it felt like I was drinking novacaine, the liquid coating my throat and insides with apathy.
"This is totally screwed up," Quinn said finally.
I looked at her again and silently agreed.
"I mean, at least if we were in Lima right now, we'd have a snow day," Quinn said, oblivious to the caustic path my mind was on. I slowly nodded, catching up to her point.
"That's true. I'll never take a snow day for granted again." I gave Quinn a small smile, even though it took a lot of effort.
She smiled back at me, and I couldn't help but notice how sad, but resigned, her face was. She'd been giving me that slightly mournful but completely understanding look since sectionals.
It hurt, but not as badly, because I never emerged from the cloud of indifference I felt. The rational part of me knew that I should care, that I should at least talk to Quinn about what was going on with us. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I couldn't bring myself to talk to Brittany, either, even though Quinn had urged me to, over and over again. Every time I looked at her name stored in the contacts in my phone, I felt like I was back on that stage, her blue eyes full of pain and confusion, and I was suddenly drowning in shame. I couldn't.
I had never really contemplated what losing Brittany completely would feel like, but I guess this was it. I never, in a million years, thought it feel like every single emotion got sucked out of me, leaving me walking around like a hollow shell of a person.
Quinn sighed, because she noticed I was drifting off again. My attention couldn't stay planted in one place for long.
"Do you want to go to the arcade?" Quinn asked, her tone light. "Maybe play some Mrs. Pac Man?"
I shook my head. "I'm not in the mood," I said flatly.
Quinn watched my face for a moment. I stayed still, letting her.
"She's not going to be mad forever, you know," Quinn told me. I could sense the pain in her voice, hiding just under the surface. I felt like slime because I knew that I was partially to blame for that.
"I wouldn't blame her if she was." I said.
"I don't get why either one of you are acting like this," Quinn said, and it wasn't the first time she'd tried to have this conversation with me. I sighed, letting my gaze drift back outside, into the blinding whiteness.
"I mean, you two weren't dating, right?" Quinn asked. I shook my head. "And she's had sex with Artie and with other people since you've been here, right?" I nodded. "So.. what is the big damn deal?"
I looked back at Quinn and tried to think of a way to help her understand. I couldn't, not really, unless I wanted to backtrack over years of the push-pull between Brittany and me.
"Just, she felt betrayed," I said, finally, because I couldn't think of anything else. "We weren't together but, we had this.. I don't know. This understanding." I struggled to find a way to describe it. "She wanted to be with me." There. I put it out there. It hurt because I knew that, most likely, that statement wasn't true anymore. Brittany didn't want to be with me, would likely never want it, and even though it should have filled me with relief, it just made me feel like I was made out of lead. I mean, that's what I'd wanted for so long, right? For Brittany to forget about the silly notion of us being a couple and move on with her life?
"So why weren't you guys ever together?" Quinn asked. This felt like déjà vu, and also like Quinn was asking me an entirely different question.
I met Quinn's eyes, for the first time, and really looked at her. I looked at the soft planes of her face and the way she was struggling to understand me, the way her eyebrows were knit delicately above her dark green eyes, and the way she was pressing her lips together tightly, as if she wanted to stop them from trembling.
"Because I can't.. I'm not.." I felt all the usual denials and explanations drift out of me, and they seemed weak and worthless.
Quinn was watching me and I felt open and exposed, and the expression on her face made me want to cry.
"Santana, you can," Quinn said finally, and it felt like a weight was settling in my chest. "You are." She told me without room for argument.
I swallowed the tears that constricted my throat, and nodded. It was a mute nod, and just a little one, really, but it felt like everything, my entire world, changed with that nod. I was accepting what Quinn said. I was agreeing with it.
You can. You are.
"It's not just about Brittany anymore, though," I whispered. I felt Quinn's eyes bore into mine and I didn't flinch away, even though I wanted to. My heart began speeding up in my chest and I swallowed again, thickly.
Quinn's eyes grew softer the longer she looked at me, and I think I caught the flicker of understanding there, even if was only briefly. She slid her hands over the expanse of the little table and gripped mine in hers, giving them a tight squeeze. I returned the pressure weakly.
Quinn almost smiled at me, almost. I could see the muscles in her face twitching upwards, but it was gone so quickly I wondered if I didn't imagine it.
"Everything is going to be okay," Quinn said, and I knew she wasn't just talking about me and Brittany, or even about me and her. She meant everything.
I nodded again, this time with more conviction. I wasn't done punishing myself, but I could allow that eventually, things would be okay.
"I'm ready to go to sleep," I told Quinn. I felt exhausted. I couldn't handle the pressure that weighed down my bones, and the conflicting but equally unnerving feeling of being insubstantial, like a fog.
Quinn just nodded, full of understanding, and she gathered up her bookbag and both of us stood up without another word. We walked up the winding staircase to our dorm room and I breathed in a deep breath, because the familiar scent and sight was comforting.
It was dark in our room, even though it was only early evening. The thick curtain was drawn across the window, blotting out the weak winter light. I immediately began stripping down and changed into pajamas, and Quinn did the same thing.
I sat down on my bed, fully intending to slip beneath the thick comforter and dive into sleep, when I heard my phone beep. I looked at it, slightly curious. The notification of a new e-mail popped up on the screen.
Part of me wanted to ignore it, but when I checked the mobile app on my phone, I saw, with a sinking sensation, that the e-mail was from Brittany.
I sat my phone down slowly, and then reached across my desk and tugged on my laptop.
Quinn looked at me curiously, but I ignored her, and she just continued brushing her hair.
I powered my laptop up and then impatiently clicked on the browser once the startup menu loaded. I logged into my e-mail account and with a ragged breath clicked on the e-mail from Brittany.
It was blank. The subject line read (no subject) and the text body was bare. The only thing there was a blue link that led to an attachment. I clicked it with growing trepidation, and my music player loaded.
I didn't recognize the song. I had to listen to it twice before full understanding hit me.
"No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later
I get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger, soul is in danger
I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind.."
Right about there was when I felt the bed dip, and Quinn slide wordlessly next to me. I stared at my computer screen, my eyes burning.
"I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo."
I didn't realize I was crying. I didn't register anything beyond the words and music of the song. It felt like they were driving into me with the force of nails hammered in, and Quinn shifted so that she could wrap her arms around me and squeeze me tightly to her.
"Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
Sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry, but I've gotta be strong
And leave you behind
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
There's still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you.."
I was sobbing so hard by the time the song finished that my laptop was just a blurry outline. I dimly felt Quinn hugging me, cradling my body against hers and rocking me. Hot tears flooded down my face and my heart felt like it was disintegrating in my chest. I couldn't breathe, or think. All I could do was feel, and the only thing I felt was pain.
"It hurts," I managed, and Quinn nodded, pressing her lips against my face. She slipped the laptop out of my lap and set it on the floor, before she quickly pushed me down against the blankets. I didn't fight her. I didn't have it in me to fight her. Quinn wrapped her arms around me and pulled my body close to hers, and I just sobbed into her shoulder.
I didn't notice the fact that Quinn was crying, too, and that her tears, silent, were mingling with mine. All I knew was that everything hurt, and the hurt was so big I didn't think I could survive it.
A/N: Well.. you knew it was coming. I did warn you about angst. Sorry about all the lyrics.
The songs featured here are: .com/watch?v=K_t9AA3Z4PE
And .com/watch?v=UAwf6zBgs3U