Hiding My Masked Affection
spockjasperzukowriting
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. This story is purely for fun and imaginative purposes.
This chapter is dedicated to: Arashi Maxwell, varjak, AnnaAza, izzybizzy333, Hiya120, Sisters-from-hell, Moon Mage Goddess, ccbloom7, CrimsonAngel1992, Swallow in the Cloud, loquacious gabby, Momomiya Ichigo Loves Inuyasha , badonyx, eleventy7, BB, Rei, Muted Trumpet, Lady, Pirate Ninjas of the Abyss, GemFreak, LoveLikeCrazy, animalvr11, theTIGEER, Kitten123130, Evelyn56, kazster, Cheminee Martinet, MakeMeProud, more-of-a-reader, Winnidonna Garage, Anti-Social, Lady Kazonei, elvenprincess3212003, Heaven's Demise, Madi, enticement, Densharr, YolandaFriella, Issa, Jeruselum, and RagnarokZ. You all rock!
9- Part One
"I've sent out a request for a hearing with the Fire Lord," Suiya explained while servants busily combed my hair into a bun. I shook my head at them as they were about to pull my hair loopies into the gathering of hair and they nodded understandingly, evening out the tresses and fastening them into the base of the bun with pearled clips.
"Did they answer yet?" I asked, trying to keep my face straight and my voice level. I looked in the mirror and met Suiya's bright purple eyes. She was sitting on my bed, her hands folded in her lap. She was dressed in layered red and white fabrics, the garb of a government official. I was allowed to dress in a formal Water Tribe dress edged with white fur and embroidered with deep blue satin. My moonstone hung down the center of my chest. The strong white glow had faded into a sickening gray. My stomach turned flips; a constant reminder of how far from calm I actually was.
"They don't need to answer," Suiya said, standing up and walking over to the wall; she needed something to occupy her restless gaze. "The government has passed a new law: all requests for hearings from important government officials are granted immediately. That way, issues are solved more quickly without the delay of paperwork and slow-minded secretaries. We make an appearance and then they tell us when to return. Fortunately for us, I stressed the urgency of this meeting. Thanks to my father's stature, I'm sure we can be put through for this afternoon."
I glanced back at the porch, my hair standing on end every time a strong breeze pulled the curtains out to the sky. I averted my gaze to the floor, muttering to myself, "He isn't there. Get a grip."
"Katara, our Fire Lord doesn't bite. What are you nervous about?" Suiya asked, trying to lighten the mood. I crossed my arms, fighting past the heavy sleeves of the dress for steady balance. It was too obvious to me that this dress was made in the Northern Water Tribe: the seams were in the wrong places, the stitch-work done in moon-shaped loops instead of flowing rivers and the dyes were richer.
I gulped, trying to think up a believable lie. "I'm worried about whether or not they will believe me. About whether or not I'll be able to truly look them in the eye and tell them that there has been an attempt on my life."
Suiya turned around, her eyes shining with realization. "You're doing nothing but confirming what has been thrown in their faces for months. Our government stops at nothing to dismiss problems that would jeopardize their power. But my entire family believes that by not acting, they are only making the problems worse."
I clenched my fists. "Is that all I am to them?" I hissed. "A piece of evidence?"
She blinked, taken off guard. "Not at all. I apologize if my wording was offensive. I meant to say that you'll be a representative. A safe one, at that. The more the Fire Lord knows about the Azkai, the safer the next victim will become."
My throat felt sore. The Fire Nation was becoming less pleasant by the second.
A knock sounded at the door. "Katara?" I heard Sokka ask. I heaved a sigh, relieved to hear that his voice was back to normal. All underlying tones of anger were gone.
The servants finished off the sash around my waist and walked up to the door, opening it to reveal Sokka in his regular attire and an annoyed look on his face. He raised an eyebrow at me.
"What's the big occasion?"
I knitted my brow. "You don't know?" I questioned.
"Hey, I was just woken up five minutes ago by a servant telling me to get dressed and come over here. I haven't got a clue why you look like you're about to get married," he said guilelessly.
I opened my mouth to explain, but Suiya started before me. "We're going to a hearing before the Fire Lord. Katara wants to say what happened between her and the Azkai so future attacks can be stopped," she summarized.
Sokka's bright eyes widened. "Fire Lord Zuko? You mean the angry guy with the scar? You're kidding me."
My stomach leaped up into my throat. I had completely forgotten exactly who was Fire Lord. "I guess so," I answered weakly, my heart sinking painfully. My memories of Zuko weren't exactly happy. He was the one who had taken Aang away from me for two and half years. Now he was Fire Lord?
Sokka harrumphed, folding his arms and allowing a brief silence to elapse as he considered things. He looked so much like our father for a few brief moments. "Do you want me to come?" he asked.
"I want you all to come," I clarified. "I'm dressed up so that I don't look like a pathetic peasant. The Fire Lord needs to know that a foreign person of high stature has been assaulted by his own country. It'll strengthen the impact of my statement."
"When you say 'all,' you mean Suiya, Hakoda, Aang and myself, right?"
"Correct."
Sokka squirmed. "Katara-"
"You all have a right to know, Sokka," I snapped. "If I'm going to explain what happened to me, I want everyone to be there to hear me out. Every single one of you. It's the only thing that'll bring our family back together."
He narrowed his eyes. "Right. Family. Because we're all completely related."
"To me we are!" I retorted, my temper rising. "Get over yourself Sokka! Not everything is about you. For once, just listen to me and try to be optimistic."
Sokka blinked, stunned by my anger.
I shut my eyes and looked away. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just... I want something to work out for once. I want you to try with me."
I felt his hand on my shoulder and his presence in front of me. I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me sadly. "For your sake, I'll come. If it means I'll get my life back, I'll always be at your side."
I grinned and pulled him into a hug; to my joy he did not stiffen against the embrace. "Thanks, Sokka," I whispered, feeling temporarily at ease as we held each other.
Somebody cleared their throat and there was a curt knock on the frame of the door. I opened my eyes and peered over Sokka's shoulder: Aang was standing in the doorway, his staff in hand and a shy look on his face. He glanced up at us through his eyelashes and forced a weak smile.
"Hi, Katara..." he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. I pulled away from Sokka and smiled.
"Hi, Aang."
Sokka looked between us as he raised an eyebrow. "What's up with you guys? I thought you'd be calling for a group hug!"
Aang drew his staff closer, averting his gaze to the floor.
I sighed but tried to keep a smile on my face. "I think we'd better get going. I'd like to get this over with."
Suiya nodded. "I told Hakoda and Aang what's going to happen. Your father will be back with a carriage to take us to the palace. I expect we should be able to return later this afternoon."
Aang stood away and kept the doorway clear, letting us walk out ahead of him. He stopped me as I followed my brother, giving me a pleading look. I paused, trying to soften my nervous expression as Aang looked away from me.
He gulped, sighing and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry for this morning," he stated, folding his arms and looking away. "I shouldn't have gotten angry. If I had known that you would be speaking to the Fire Lord later this day, I –" He broke off, grimacing. "That still doesn't excuse what I did. Please forgive me."
He looked me in the eyes, his irises gleaming in the paper-filtered light. "I should have tried to console you. I meant to do that. I wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you felt. How they take away your bending and strength in a single pinch. How they hurt you. I don't know how you got away, but I'm glad you did." He clenched the wooden staff wedged between his arms. "I wouldn't be able to handle it if they killed you."
I folded my hands behind my back and offered him a grin. "It's okay, Aang. I forgive you. I wanted to go to the Fire Lord to make up for this morning."
He kept his gaze pinned on the floor, a depressed look on his face. The thought crossed my mind that I no longer had to look down at him; growth spurts had evened out our heights. And knowing that we had suffered through same experience made us even more equal, in my mind.
I reached out and took his hand, making him flinch and look at me in shock. I beamed. "Suiya will be waiting for us." I squeezed his fingers. "Lead the way."
A spark ignited in his eyes and he grinned, curling his lips in the way I had grown so familiar with since that day in the South Pole. He tugged on my hand and led us down the hallways, walking me down the main stairwell and out into the garden. He released my hand the moment the sunlight hit us.
Hakoda smiled at us from the base of the porch steps. He gave me a grin that I thought only Sokka could muster.
"So, I hear that we're going to meet Fire Lord Zuko," he started, his eyes flashing. He acted like nothing had happened the last few days but I knew better. Sokka acted like this whenever he was inexplicably nervous.
My stomach flipped. "Yep. Fun times. I can't wait to see him again," I said, walking down to my father as Aang trailed me protectively.
Hakoda gave me a puzzled look. "You've met him before?"
"He kidnapped Aang from the Southern Water Tribe and threatened out lives. How could I ever forget?" I replied sarcastically, trying to lighten my own mood with humor.
I heard Hakoda huff behind me. "Ah, well, he's changed since his Avatar-hunting days. He's a very good Fire Lord; I appreciate his rule much better than I appreciated his father's, Fire Lord Ozai."
Sokka opened the gate for us and rolled his eyes. "Dad, I think anyone could do a better job at ruling the Fire Nation than that lunatic."
My heart squeezed. Sokka had called Hakoda 'dad.'
Hakoda chuckled. "Of course."
I shivered as I exited the protection of the walls, crossing my arms and inclining my head. I couldn't help but allow my gaze to drift down the street I had taken several nights before. A sliver of blue flashed in the corner of my eye, twisting in the soft breeze. I stopped, turning my head and blinking. Had I just seen my ribbon? I stared at the place that I had seen it, analyzing every section of the scene. Nothing.
A shadow caught my attention and I took a step forward, squinting through the reflected light of the street. I shook my head; my eyes must be playing tricks on me. Of course I hadn't seen the outline of that demonic woman. That was shadow, not hair. This was day, not night. Nothing was there; as if reflecting this thought, my chest felt hollow. I needed...
There was a sharp jab against my back.
I started, yelping and turning around as I raised my hands. My pulse raced in my ears and warmth drained from my hands and feet.
"Katara?" asked Sokka, giving me a confused look. "Are you... all right?"
I straightened up, putting my hands by my side while trying to coax a weak smile across my face. "Oh yes. Just fine. Let's go."
I pushed past him and hopped into the carriage, tripping over my own feet slightly as I ascended the steps. Aang scooted over and made room for me, offering a hand as I hovered unsteadily.
I sat down without his help, hiding my face in my hands. The carriage rocked as Sokka added his weight to it and the blinding sunlight seeping through my fingers disappeared as the door shut.
An uneasy silence descended as the carriage jerked into motion, easing forward and picking up speed. I rubbed my temples, trying to soothe away a headache. What had just happened? Why was I seeing things?
The carriage bumped over a small stone as Hakoda cleared his throat. I looked up at my father through my eyelashes, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
He looked apprehensive. "I expect you all to be on your best behaviour. Despite any prejudices you might have against the Fire Nation, you're still going to be present in front of the government. If you want the Fire Lord to listen to you, you'll have to practice your finest etiquette."
Aang nodded, glancing between Sokka and I.
"Just follow my lead, but you should know that when you bow, the Fire Nation salute goes like this." Hakoda upturned his right fist and placed it at the heel of his flattened left hand, leaning forward in a bow. I mimicked his movements, happy for a distraction from my whirlwind of thoughts.
Sokka twiddled his thumbs, a nervous habit he had, as he sat next to our father. He was ill at ease next to the person he used to worship daily. "I thought we would only meet with Fire Lord Zuko himself."
Suiya nodded, shifting on the other side of Aang. "We will. The Fire Lord has the final say in all political matters, so Katara will just need to explain the Azkai to him and him alone."
My stomach tightened. I hoped Zuko would be alone...
Aang peered down at my folded hands, raising an eyebrow in surprise. "You're shaking."
"What?" I gasped, lifting my arms to study my fingers more closely. He was right: I was quivering with the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I hid my hands in my sleeves, turning away to hide my frightened expression. "Oh, it's nothing."
"Katara, you're terrified," Aang pointed out, shocked.
"Of course she is. She's facing the most powerful man in the Fire Nation with only us as back up," Sokka rolled his eyes, using his hands to emphasize his point.
I glared at him. "Thanks, Sokka. You made me feel so much better," I replied mordantly.
"You're welcome."
Aang sighed. "Let's not make her feel worse than she already does. Besides, in my memory, she was attacked, not any of you."
Sokka snorted. "I've seen plenty of attacks in my life, thank you very much. And for your information, Katara – "
I parted the curtain over the window and stuck my head out, trying desperately to ignore the painful comments being thrown around me. The escalating tension in the carriage was suffocating me, making my skin crawl and causing me to shake more painfully than I already was. I stared at the street ahead, trying to inhale the fresh breeze and occupy my mind with the busy streets of the Fire Nation.
Slowly, the lurching of the carriage lulled me into the rhythm of the ocean. Seagulls flew overhead, reminding me of home and what I had left to defend. The summer breeze played with my hair, tugging it out into the sky.
Finally, I thought, sinking into a sleepy and peaceful state of mind. A moment to myself.
I closed my eyes and sighed, letting my senses drift away from the chaos my family was slowly descending into.
I listened instead to the sounds of the capital. Young children played in the streets, laughing and crying out in joy as a ball bounced around. Elders discussed politics while teenagers giggled about crushes and clothes and whose father had the most money. It was soothing to discover the ordinary lives of the Fire Nation people. For so long, I had imagined the occupants as heartless beasts. I was wrong.
They were just...people.
I rested my head upon my crossed arms, lulled by the activity of the outside world.
Suddenly, there was a sharp scraping of metal. My ear twitched, pricked into unease by the noise. I ignored it, assuming that it must have been a malfunction of the carriage.
The carriage rounded a corner, bumping above the support of the street.
The noise came again. This time, it was stronger and more clearer than I had ever imagined it could be. The scraping was almost like a drawn-out rasp, much like how Sokka's sword sounded when it was unsheathed for the first time.
My mind halted, my breath catching in my throat as my eyes flew open.
A sword.
Being unsheathed.
Next to me.
I looked up, my eyes darting around as I searched for the source. I saw nothing but the peaceful lives of those in the Fire Nation capital.
I stared along the side of the carriage once more, trying to pull myself back into my serene state. Anything to push away my inner turmoil.
Suddenly, there was a long gleam that caught my eye; it flowed along the bodies of two swords headed towards me. I jerked back, following the swords up the hilt, across the covered hands and arms and finally arriving at the Blue Spirit's mask. The familiar, hollow gaze pierced me as I jerked backwards, screaming as he jumped towards me. The edges of his figure wavered in the incandescent light. I pulled back into the carriage, wrenching the curtain shut to cover the window.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" I screamed, shaking uncontrollably as fear engulfed me.
"Stop the carriage!" Hakoda yelled at the driver through the window behind him.
"Katara, what happened?" Aang demanded, trying to hold me still. His fingers wound around my shoulders as I struggled.
"Let go!" I snapped, worming myself free of his grip and pushing my way out the door. I stumbled onto the ground, the world tumbling and spinning along with my thoughts. I collapsed to my knees, planting my palms on the ground as my mentality slowly deteriorated. Sounds turned into distant slurs, light tumbled into a kaleidoscope of colours and every nerve rejected the sensations running up my arms. I shut my eyes, demanding that it all go away. I was shrinking, compressing; everything was flattening me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't fight. My insides were being twisted, stretching and colliding against the barriers of my mind.
The shaking wouldn't stop.
I'm dying, I conceded. This is the end...
Then it stopped. The pain stopped. The world snapped back like elastic. Things started to make sense. My sight sharpened, defining the lines of shapes and precision colours. Sounds registered into memories, thoughts. Someone was at my side, eyes were upon me and a voice was calling my name.
"Katara! Oh gods, Katara!" A hand shook me.
I blinked, sucking in ragged breaths and restoring my body.
"Sokka..." I breathed, sitting back on my legs. My body no longer felt so cold; a heat from above warmed me. I used one hand to rub the adjacent upper arm, taking a moment to recognize my surroundings. I was next to a fountain in the center of a circular plaza. People dressed in the Fire Nation colours stared at me, puzzled looks defining their expressions. The fountain trickled with clear water. Gardens framed the outside edges of mansion walls; plants sprouted from ornamental pots. Some of the pots were mended, like they had recently cracked and glued together.
I was at my attack site.
I looked over at Sokka. His blue eyes were wide and scared.
"Now I know you're definitely not right," he said. "This is over. We're going home."
"This is the place," I whispered, my voice weak. I felt like I hadn't used it for months. Most of my body still felt numb, hindered by my inability to move yet.
Sokka snorted. "Yeah, c'mon. This is the place we turn around."
I shook my head, my brow furrowing. "No, Sokka. You're not getting it." I pushed myself up, using his shoulder for support. He grasped my arm gently, offering me assistance.
"This is the place where the Azkai attacked me," I said bluntly.
Sokka's quickened breathing slowed. "Have you lost it?"
"I believe her," answered Suiya from behind me. I peered over my shoulder to meet her gaze, watching as she swallowed and spoke. "This is the Ye Wan Fountain. The night fountain. Waterbenders draw their strength from the moon, a symbol of the night. The Azkai have always attacked at a place symbolic to the victim."
Aang walked up from behind Suiya, nodding. "They attacked me at the Southern Markets. I'm from the Southern Air Temple," he explained.
I sighed, turning back to face the fountain. The water glistened, reflecting dapples of light at me. I ran my fingers through my hair and sank back down to my knees.
"What's happening to me?" I choked out.
Sokka placed a hand upon my back. "You had an anxiety attack. You're too nervous to be doing this now."
My hands fell limply to my lap. "I can't do this," I despaired; just a few moments ago, I had been so close to losing my mind.
"Yes, you can," Aang said as he sat by my side. "I know you're capable of doing this."
I ignored both Aang and my brother, immersing my thoughts in the calm shifting of the wind. Small laughter bubbled ahead of me. I looked up, the wind lifting strands of my hair around my head. A petite child was balancing on the edge of the fountain, wobbling and laughing as her mother smiled at her. The child leapt a short distance and stopped in the exact place I had first seen the Blue Spirit.
"Catch me, mommy!" the girl squealed.
The mother held out her arms, laughing as the child jumped from the fountain and landed safely in her grasp.
My eyes watered. I shut them and thought back to a few moments alone with Gran-Gran…
Sokka was away hunting, teaching younger boys the art of the boomerang. The aroma of meat and stew was filling my nose and the blue iridescence of the snow was glowing beneath my feet. I looked up from my sewing, smiling as Gran-Gran cut up a small polar-mouse.
"Gran-Gran?" I asked.
"Yes, Katara?"
"Hui was bullied again today. I wanted to help, but I was busy fixing Sokka's boots. I was too distracted by the bully to do my job properly; mending Sokka's boots took an hour longer than it should have. But even worse" – I hung my head in shame – "I didn't do anything to help Hui. I could see she was hurt by Ela's insults but I just kept trying to do my chores. I feel like I've let everyone down."
Gran-Gran gave me one of her kind smiles. "Often in life you will find yourself caught between helping yourself or helping others, Katara," she began, throwing small chunks of meat into the pot over the fire. "When we are caught between hard choices and cannot dedicate ourselves to a single action, it has poisonous toll on everyone – especially ourselves. When we fail to act and help someone, we are making ourselves suffer too."
She reached into a pocket, pulling out a whalebone hair clip. She kept her eyes locked on me while I stared at it in awe. "This was your mother's when she was your age. It holds many memories and feelings inside it. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of the woman who was so much like a daughter to me. I understand how much we both miss her." She extended it out to me. "Here, take it. I want you to have it."
I took it slowly, studying the blue stones set in the pearl-white of the whalebone. I glanced back up at her. "Why are you giving this to me?" I asked, reaching back to place in it my hair.
She studied it briefly as it gathered my dark hair, smiling in approval after a brief pause. "Do you not feel at ease of having something of your mothers?" she asked.
I thought for a moment before nodding.
"Well, I feel at ease because you look very much like her. The hair clip emphasizes the similarities between mother and daughter. Even if it's a hard choice, it makes me happy to see Kya so clearly in you. By helping you feel closer to your mother, I have helped myself in realizing that Kya has never truly left us."
The memory left me. I was back sitting between Aang and Sokka, gazing longingly at the mother and daughter playing by the fountain.
"By helping others," I whispered, "you help yourself."
The more the Fire Lord knows about the Azkai, Suiya had explained, the safer the next victim will be.
I had to do this. There was no other way.
"Help me up," I said. Sokka and Aang each took a hand and pulled me to my feet.
"Feeling better?" Sokka asked. "Are you going to freak out on us again? Because that was just weird."
I hardened my expression, concentrating on what I had to do.
"I'm ready to face the Fire Lord," I said. "I'm ready to face him now."
A/N: I know. I know. There was no Zuko. I'm dividing this chapter into two parts, and part two will have Zuko. So I'm still technically living up to my promise to have Zuko is chapter 9. Hehe. Sorta. No flames. Please review!