It was mid afternoon when Esme made her way toward the Cullen house, a visit she had timed perfectly for obvious reasons. It was about two hours before the end of the school day which meant the Cullen teenagers would be out of the house. Her second call had been to the hospital to check if a Dr Cullen was working and to her relief the receptionist told her he was. Her feet moved swiftly along the driveway up to the house as she clutched the keys to a brand new Volvo in her hand tightly. She had been well and truly shocked by the gift that awaited her that morning however she found it was something she couldn't accept. In all honesty, she wanted to accept it and in fact she could really have used a car but it was the principal of the gift she couldn't accept.
Esme had never known such an extravagant gift in all her life. She knew little about cars in general but the sales man had been more than pleased to inform her it was a top of the line, no expense spared model. Just knowing that sent a shiver down her spine which made her uneasy at the thought of how much had been spent on such a gift. She had an idea the car had been bought from guilt and she wanted no part of that. In the past weeks she had come to terms with what had happened and the fact that above all else, it had been an accident. As angry as she had been that day, those feeling had passed and she deeply regretted what she had said especially to Carlisle.
When it came to her daughter she knew she was fiercely protective of her, if she actually listened to Kate she was too protective but Esme knew what was out there. More importantly who was out there, Charles was never too far away from them and of course Esme had thought the notion of vampires that of story books. Not a life she would now be living. Never in her entire life had she expected the turn of events that led to her immortality and it was something she would gladly give up if it meant she could spend more time with her daughter. It had been the little things at first, the walks in the sunshine she couldn't take or holding her daughter close to her as she saw other mothers her age do. Then as Kate grew older Esme found the scraped knees or small cuts a challenge. She knew some humans struggled to be around the sight of blood but for her it was the sight and smell, each time she felt it a brush with death for her daughter.
She convinced herself there would come a time when she would no longer be able to hold back the urge to drink the very thing she was designed to. Then came the challenge of time itself, Esme had always regretted the fact that her daughter didn't get the one house, stable upbringing of most children. In the beginning perhaps she deluded herself with images of the perfect house with siblings for Kate or even a dog to play in the garden. All that had been a distant dream and now Kate had grown up, she was older than her years in so many ways and yet she was still the carefree teenager she wanted her daughter to be. Esme found her sigh at the prospect of years to come, the awkwardness that would be afforded to her and then the moment her daughter overtook her in human years lived.
Only recently had she been concerned about meeting any boys Kate took a liking to, then there came the thought of a future husband she might have. After that came the grandchildren, grandchildren that wouldn't see her as a grandmother just Kate's friend who would only stay around so long before it became obvious that Esme wasn't going to age a day. It didn't bare thinking about as she made her way along the track.
The moment she saw the house Esme shook those thoughts from her mind immediately. Today the Cullen house seemed imposing and cold to her, not filled with the joy or possibilities she had let herself believe in for that short time. With that she took a steadying breath as she walked up to the front door of the house. For a split second she thought about knocking on the front door before she realised how absurd that would honestly be. In yet another short steady breath she pushed the keys to the car through the letter box along with a short thank you note she had written. Those few short hand written sentences that spelled out her appreciation for the car and the simple fact that she could not accept such a gift from them.
After the deed had been done she felt suddenly alone in the world. The small act of pushing away the only contact she had with Carlisle now rested at the bottom of the post box. Had it been anyone else she might not have felt the tear at her heart and yet with him everything seemed to click. Life was suddenly so much more than the protection of her daughter and the dream that vampires could coexist in the world with humans without hurting them. It led her to believe in things she had scarcely let herself believe in before. The idea of family, the knowledge that despite her difference she was still attractive to someone who she thought saw past the outward beauty that was superficial. Still she had done it, those keys were gone and so was the gift she was sure had been bought from guild or pity. Either one she had no time for, not from them and certainly not for what had happened.
Kate had told her of the hospital visit where she had seen Carlisle. The moment she did Esme wished she had gone with her daughter and yet work had unfortunately taken her time that day. She had been surprised to hear that Carlisle didn't try to put their side of the story forward, he only chose to tell Kate to speak with her mother. That much Esme got as when she returned from work and Kate had a list of questions she had asked over a million times before. Had it not been for the welcome distraction of a microwave meal for Kate announcing it was ready Esme felt sure she would have cracked or let something slip under the unrelenting questions of her daughter. Still she had escaped with her previous excuses not wanting Kate to know what happened. She was still human and Esme knew humans took near death experiences in many different ways. The last thing she needed was Kate to end up in therapy.
The breeze that filtered through the trees as a few birds took flight from nearby branches reminded her of that sunrise. The morning that she had seen Carlisle sitting peacefully with the morning sun that cast a beautiful yellow light over him and gave him a godly look that seemed to suit him well. She remembered the surprise in his voice when she had asked what he was doing and the smile, the smile that could easily break a heart and had hers wishing to see it once more. As she tore her gaze away from the forest she quietly cursed herself for such thoughts as she turned away from the house and began to walk back the way she came.
It was then she heard the sound of the garage door opening. She turned surprised by the noise as she thought she made sure no one could possibly have been in the house. When her eyes came to rest on the figure that stood in the garage Esme found herself frozen to the spot. Edward was stood there, one hand on the garage door as he stared at her. Clear as day she saw him, his red eyes piercing through the daylight toward her and the box under his other arm. It took her a moment to finally shake herself free of a hold that overcame her. Edward moved to flee the moment he saw her stood there. Under his arm in the brown box were his most treasured belongings as he considered leaving them and running. He had parked on the outskirts of Forks as not to be detected by his family though Esme was the last person he expected to see, especially at the house.
"Esme." He murmured as the words he wanted to form suddenly became lodged in his throat.
There had been so much he had wanted to say to her, sorry being the main one and yet Edward found it too painful to even face the thought of going back to Forks. To see Esme and see what he had done to Kate made him want to end everything. He knew what Carlisle would say to him, how Alice might try and stop him and even with that Edward couldn't forgive himself for what he had done. Many times he had attempted to write an apology down on paper, a hand written note that might mean something and yet Esme's letter never seemed good enough to send. He couldn't count the amount of times he had screwed up her letter wanting to get it perfectly right before he sent it. Even when he tried to write to Kate to explain what had happened and what he had done, it seemed such a hollow act that finally he had given up.
He had killed before and although he had an idea that those people deserved it, Kate didn't. Before he left he made sure that Alice told him what the outcome was for Kate and although Alice was certain that Kate would survive, Edward found it gave him a little comfort to know he hadn't completely ruined her life. Had Rose or Emmett not stopped him Kate would have died weeks ago. Now he was faced with the mother of the person he had tried to harm, a person who had done nothing to him and made Carlisle happy. It was almost laughable that he would be the one to ruin it all but he found no joy, simply horror, grief and guilt that weighed on him like nothing else.
"Edward, you're here." Esme said timidly unsure what to say to him.
The past few weeks had given her some clarity on the day's events. She realised that she couldn't be mad with Edward for what happened she could only blame herself for putting her daughter in that situation. Despite her control Esme knew Kate wasn't like them, she had a full life and a beating heart. A life that on occasion had it not been for her will to keep her daughter alive would have ended by her hands more times than she cared to admit. It was unfair to ask that others be put through the torture a human could unknowingly inflict upon a vampire. The burning throat and all those times she had asked Edward to watch over Kate, trying to do the right thing by her daughter which had turned into a wrong doing.
"Esme, I have to go." Edward said taking a few steps out of the garage.
"Edward wait... please." Esme said with surprising force.
In the short time Esme had known Edward she knew him not to be a monster, there was no easy option for them and when blood was readily put on a plate in front of their nose. It wasn't always the better option that was taken. She could tell by the colour of his eyes the vegetarian diet had been forsaken. It was something else she found herself feeling guilty over, had Kate and she really pushed him to killing humans again? Her heart could have shattered into pieces right there as she tried to figure out what she could do to fix it as Edward stopped in his tracks.
"It wasn't your fault Edward." Esme said as she looked directly at him. "I want you to know I'm not mad, angry or disappointed with you Edward."
With that Edward found his fingers slipping on the box that held his life's treasures. Those words resounded in his head. He could hear her thoughts clearly and he found what she said to be true. She meant what she said which was a rarity in anyone vampire or human. It shocked him to know that she wasn't mad or angry or even disappointed. He didn't know why he turned around but he found himself walking back toward her. Perhaps she wasn't mad, angry or disappointed but he was. He was angry with himself for staying and not hunting, mad at his lack of control and above all disappointed with every choice he had made that day. It was only a small part of what he felt and yet to hear she had no ill will toward him, it amazed him.
"You should be abhorred by my actions Esme; you should shout and scream at me for what I did." Edward said suddenly angry that she was so calm, "I would not blame you if you wished me, dead or tried to kill me. In fact if you did I might just let you."
Esme gasped at the statement as she shook her head reverently. On that day when Kate had been hurt and she saw her daughter lying there, yes. She did scream and shout which she regretted but not once did she wish any of them dead.
"No, no Edward never say that and please and never think it." Esme replied her voice laced with sincerity, "We are who we are and it is in our nature to... to want blood."
With that the shame he had felt since the incident seemed to weigh on him like a noose. He remembered telling Kate that he would look out for her and even take care of her but he had been the one to hurt her. He remembered seeing her fall, wanting to help and then the animal that had been dormant burst through every shred of restraint he had. So easily at the smell of her blood did he want it, before yes she was appealing but none so much as when her blood was oozing into the ground beneath her. Even the thought of that made him feel sick with guilt.
"Esme I am a monster and I almost killed your daughter. I deserve your hatred and so much more." Edward said falling to his knees, shaking with almost every emotion he had ever experienced. "I am so sorry for what I did."
"Edward I forgive you." Esme said soothingly as she moved toward him, "It was a simple accident and I must ask your forgiveness for what I said at the time."
Edward choked back a laugh as he felt he must have been going mad. Esme was really asking for his forgiveness the monster that put her daughter in the hospital and had it not been for Emmett done much worse.
"Please forgive me for what I said." Esme gasped dropping to her knees beside him, "I was so horrid to you and I want you to know I meant none of it."
Edward was stunned as he stared at Esme who seemed to be in as much pain as he was. Did the woman realise what she was asking? How could she think he wouldn't forgive her when he deserved so much worse than the pain of words. He was about to tell her that when he felt her arms wrap tightly around him. It was an action that a mother would take with a crying child. Edward found himself trying to take a calming breath and yet he found himself sobbing into Esme's shoulder, muttering a thousand apologies and not knowing what else he could do. He heard her whisper that it was alright and everything would be okay, if only she knew how much he wanted it to be so but he couldn't see it.
Carlisle would no doubt hate him for what he had done, not only to him but to Esme and Kate. Though Edward heard and saw no bad feelings from Esme his own thoughts turned to Kate and what she would think of him. She'd never trust him again he was sure and that was something he felt tug at his heart. Esme had no idea how long they sat on the ground for; Edward was held close to her as he got any if not all apologies out of his system until he stopped sobbing and just sat there silently. Esme wished she had gone to the Cullen house sooner if not to at least tell Edward she wasn't mad at him at all, still the only thing she could do was stay there with him and tell him it would be okay. It was only when Edward made a move to get up she let go of him reluctantly. Once they were both on their feet Edward found he couldn't quite meet her gaze afraid of what she might think.
"Why don't we go inside and talk?" Esme suggested.
She knew it wasn't her house but it was the closest place that talking out of sight of any eyes would be available. She hardly wanted to suggest her house as she knew Kate would be back from school in an hour or so and well Emmett had stopped Edward last time. Esme wasn't sure she could do the same without hurting him if it came down to it.
"No... I ... What if they come back?" Edward stuttered as he looked at the house.
It had been his home since they had moved to Forks and long before that. A place where he had a family up until recently and a place he now felt he wasn't welcome in any more. He only just managed to meet Esme's slightly telling gaze. Her raised brow and look that said 'really' told him all he needed to know. That and her thoughts that betrayed the fact she had checked on everyone's whereabouts before walking up to the house. Edward could only smile at her; despite their differences in vampiric and human lifestyles there was innocence about Esme that surprised him.
"Who'd have thought it Esme, you are a good." Edward replied as the faintest of laughs passed his lips.
It was a sound Esme was pleased to hear; a laugh from Edward who she was almost certain might tuck tail and run mere seconds ago. She found herself smiling toward him happy to see that he could at least still laugh about something. She could tell by the look on his face that he had been burdened by his thoughts and feelings, the worst she assumed of it being what she herself might think of him. It was a similar look she had worn whenever Charles had acted out his aggression the previous night. That look that spoke volumes to people who recognised it and a clever facade to those who didn't. In that thought Esme saw Edward open the garage door and wave her inside, every step to her suddenly felt like a violation of Carlisle's privacy.
He would no doubt know she had been in the house and Edward too; it would take some explaining she thought as Edward ran back out to collect his box. He returned and led her through into the living room where she and Carlisle had sat no so long ago. It was only then that Edward turned to face her, she could see he was hurt beyond what she could fix and say to him and yet she found she wanted to try anyway, as they took a seat on the sofa and Edward placed his box carefully at his feet.
"I know what it's like to pack your life into a box." Esme mused, her voice quiet and soft. "Mind me asking what you packed?"
She knew her question was a little out of the ordinary but it felt like the right thing to ask. If it started a conversation it was good and she hoped to learn a little more about Edward and hopefully understand him. Edward simply glanced down at the box in question, he realised how stupid the things in there must seem to a person who packed their life up regularly and moved from state to state but after a few decades he did manage to gather a few pieces that meant something to him. He fished in the box with his hand as he brought a few books and papers out of it and passed them across to Esme. There were a few journals, a photograph of the family at Rose and Emmett's third wedding back in the sixties. After that there were a few music sheets and a leather bound book Carlisle had given him a short while after meeting. He watched as Esme glanced through it all as her eyes came to rest on the book. She glanced up at Edward questioningly as she saw there were no markings on it.
"It was from Carlisle, he gave it to me to record any of my thoughts I wanted to get out of my head." Edward began, "When Carlisle changed me, I didn't understand my gift and neither did he. We worked through it together, Carlisle tried his hardest to be respectful and keep any thoughts at a minimum while I tried not to invade his mind too often."
Edward found himself smiling at the thought of those early days. The way they used to tip toe around each other and tried not to invade each other's privacy. In Carlisle's case, Edward found it curious to find out what he thought until the day came when Carlisle became unnaturally skilled in hiding his thought. Those days frustrated him most, he had to hunt for answers and despite Carlisle trying to help him with a silence they both soon realised it was hindrance. Esme found herself flipping a few pages only to find nothing there, no written words or marks just crisp clean pages.
"Oh I never wrote in it. Carlisle is a father to me, I didn't know by human father very well and it was the first material gift Carlisle ever gave me." Edward said trying to explain the blank pages, "I wanted to keep it pristine and treasure it as it means a lot to me. Silly I know."
Esme smiled and shook her head, she could see that despite the many years Edward had been alive he still loved his family. It showed in how the book had no blemishes. Even the leather looked as if it might have been treated to take care of the outside. Esme passed back the books, papers and photo to Edward who seemed a little lost in his own mind at that moment.
"I don't own much from before Kate's arrival. One locket that my mother gave to me, though I'm sure she'd sooner have it back since I was a disappointment to the family." Esme sighed, "Every time we move there's a box of things that I never want to lose. It has a book of the first fairy tales I ever read to Kate, a book that every time I see it or read it reminds me of those precious first years. A hundred and one photographs she hates me taking and a lot of postcards."
Edward was puzzled for a moment. Since when did vampire's need postcard he wondered trying to think if he had ever found use for one. To this day he preferred pen and paper to email or text although as technology advanced it was always a worry that one day a photo might surface from years ago that they couldn't hide from. Esme saw Edward's look as she shook her head.
"Oh it's just a game I invited to help Kate with moving but I don't think I actually needed to. She enjoys the adventure of it, or at least that is all she tells me. We collect a post card from every place we've stayed just so we can remember it. Silly yes?" Esme said as this time Edward shook his head.
"How is Kate?" Edward asked, he knew it was a long overdue question.
"She's coping, the operation took a lot out of her and she refuses to take anything for the pain." Esme explained as she suddenly smiled, "Well it was actually Carlisle that got her to take a lower dose of painkillers. She came home from her check up and told me that she had a deal with Carlisle and couldn't back out on it."
Edward grinned; Carlisle always found a way to get people to help themselves at some time or another. Even Edward couldn't deny his charm when it came to medicine, he had seen firsthand that patients would swoon over him and agree to most things although it was always backed up with a good dose of persuasion and patience.
"I'm so sorry Esme, I didn't mean for any of this to happen." He said, the guilt he felt earlier coming back to him like a freight train. "If I could fix it I would, please tell me you know that?"
"Yes I do, and Edward let's not mention it again okay. What happened, happened. Besides I haven't told Kate anything about what went on." Esme admitted.
Edward found himself suddenly quiet at that revelation. Kate knew nothing of what happened that day? He stared at Esme surprised that she had said nothing and then he wondered why. Kate should know everything that happened, that she had been within a hairs width of death and it was he who had almost caused it. Edward who had destroyed Carlisle's happiness and Esme's too, he had nearly killed Kate and she was happily oblivious to it. Edward was about to ask her why when he saw the terrified and nervous expression suddenly present on Esme's face. He heard the invasion of thoughts the moment the door handle squeaked as it always did. Edward could hear Esme's explosion of thought as if she was yelling them at him, to run or stay seemed to be the main debate, much the same as his as they froze there on the sofa.
Carlisle found himself home early that day. Apparently there was enough cover at the hospital and he had a few hours over time the hospital wanted him to take back as time owed. He had tried and failed to argue his point of being helpful and staying there but some overzealous administrator was having none of it. It was the moment he lowered the door handle that Carlisle caught those scents. Carlisle threw the front door open as he ran inside only to be met with the most bizarre and pleasing sight he had ever seen.
"Edward." Carlisle gasped his voice weak with relief that his son was home. "Esme."
It was too much as he stood there unable to blink or move for fear that none of it was real. Edward looked toward Esme who simply nodded and motioned to Carlisle who dropped his bag where he stood. There was no disapproval and no disappointment in Carlisle's thoughts. Carlisle didn't speak as Edward simply threw his arms around him, and all he could hear was how much Carlisle loved him. The fact he was so glad that he was home and for a long time Edward just wanted to stand there. Afraid that if he let go Carlisle might disown him or show a hint of anger for what he had done. Still as Edward took a step back there was nothing but joy on Carlisle's face, nothing but happiness that Edward was there.
"Look who I found outside." Edward said triumphantly motioning toward Esme, wanting to atone for the agony he was sure he had put Carlisle through.
"I was... I didn't break in... Edward... Edward let me in." Esme stuttered as she quickly stood and looked for the quickest exit. "I was just leaving."
Carlisle held onto Edward's arm afraid to let his son go. It was stupid he knew but he only wanted to know it was real and not just something he had imagined to make things better.
"Esme please... stay with us?" Carlisle asked, "We should all talk I think."
As usual Edward couldn't fault Carlisle's logic but it was the deer caught in the headlights look on Esme's face that had him intervening before Carlisle sent her running to the hills.
"It's my turn to ask you to wait Esme." Edward said softly, "Please."
Edward could see the pained look on Esme's face, the battle that continued to rage in her mind as he was suddenly a party to her evaluations on the matter. He could hear that she wanted to stay and talk and yet he found her arguing the case of running, getting out of there not for herself but to Edward's surprise it was his own happiness she was thinking of. He heard her thoughts about how Carlisle might want some privacy to speak to Edward alone and yet she felt it was her own option to stay just to make sure Edward was okay.
"Esme, I would not be here if it was not for you. Please stay and we can talk some more." Edward added.
As soon as those words registered with Esme the barrage of thoughts that hit Edward stopped as suddenly as they had started. He saw her timidly smile and nod as Edward answered her next unvoiced question.
"And you'll be back in time for Kate." Edward said, "Carlisle will drive you."
Edward would have offered to do it himself but he didn't trust his ability to stay in the car if he saw her. He didn't trust himself at all, not yet and probably not ever to be around Kate without an army of vampires to watch out for her.