Chapter Three- She'll Come Around
"I hope you're feeling a bit better today." Carson said, placing his hand on Allaster's forehead. The little boy sneezed in reply and began to cough.
"He's just a little bit better today." Isobel announced, coming into the room with a bowl of hot soup.
Allaster, who'd mostly lost his voice, now was excited about the warm soup and happy that Mr. Carson, who he liked, had come to see him. At the same time, he missed his twin sister and wanted her by his side. She was not allowed to see him.
"Well he's alright isn't he?!" Carson asked suddenly. Isobel noted that he seemed alarmed.
"Yes. He'll be just fine in a few days." Isobel smiled kindly at Allaster and placed the soup in his tiny hands.
"I want my sister." He pouted hoarsely.
"I'm sorry love, we've been over this; we don't want her to get sick too, remember?" Isobel reminded the boy.
"That's right." Carson agreed.
"You can see her just as soon as you're well. Mr. Carson, the children told me they like to be read to when they're ill, do you suppose you could…"
"O-of course." He agreed, kind of surprised and Allaster nodded enthusiastically.
…..
Carson had ventured over to Crawley House by himself after breakfast had been served. Elsie stayed behind and worked, having promised him she would join him there later. She'd also agreed that they would approach Lord and Lady Grantham soon about what to do. But she still had extreme reservations about taking in the children. She'd repeatedly addressed her concern that they were too old for children, but had failed to remind him that they were still working, and that their work didn't allow them the space or time for a family (and in particular three very small children).
This was the reason she assumed Anna and Bates had yet to start a family of their own when she knew they wanted to. On that same note, Elise was terrified that having children might mean she'd be forced to quit her job (and that her fiancé would be obliged to keep his). She'd worked hard all these years, and despite wanting to retire, being kicked out because she was a mother was something she refused to endure.
Finally, there were the children themselves. Charlie had pointed out that she hadn't held the baby and he was right. Elsie had decided that not holding her would be easier. She was worried that doing so would forge some kind of connection between her and the child and she wouldn't be able to let go. This was already happening with Ainslie and was exactly what she'd been worried about.
Elise knew she'd never begin to forgive herself for the pain this was going to cause Ainslie in particular, when she gave them up… And that's precisely why she steered clear of the smallest Hughes child.
It had occurred to Elsie, you see, that with the older two she was cousin Elsie, and that perhaps one day she'd become a mother to them but with Arabella it would be different from the start: she would be the only mother she'd ever known and that was overwhelming…it was a true life commitment, one she wasn't sure she wanted.
There was more to Elsie's refusal to take on the children than age and workload, in fact a lot of her reservation was deeply personal. So personal she was hesitant to share it with Charles and she supposed she'd have to.
But for now, she was still very much undecided and Charlie was under the impression they were going to discuss the situation with Lord and Lady Grantham within the next couple of days. She knew he'd be with her but was nervous and had no idea what to say. They were kind people and generous employers. She was still deeply touched by their offer to care for her during her cancer scare but didn't see why they'd be inclined to help now. Charlie insisted that they would but she was skeptical and even though she liked them she'd always been annoyed by Carson's faith in them: his insistence that they were like his family.
…
Later That Night
"I'm sorry about your brother." Isobel began. "I know you miss him but I promise he'll be well enough for you to visit and play with in a few days."
It was late and the other two children were fast asleep, but Ainslie was up, sitting in front of the warm fire playing cards with Isobel. She felt strange being the only child awake in this big, quiet house. She'd never gotten that kind of individual attention from an adult before and in truth she relished it.
"Yes…" The little girl seemed distracted.
"Are you alright, love?"
"Why doesn't she want us?"
"Who?"
"Cousin Elise."
"Oh sweetheart." Isobel paused. "You see she hasn't ever been a mummy before and I think she's just a little scared."
"Grown ups get scared too?" She tilted her head.
"Oh yes we get scared too. But I don't want you to be afraid anymore."
"You don't?"
"No." She said, taking the girl in her lap when she came around the other side of the table.
"Even we get sent to an orphanage?" She asked. Ainslie shuddered: truthfully she was scared to death by this prospect.
"No." Isobel smiled, kissing Ainslie's nose. "I promise that's not going to happen. She'll come around."
"What if she doesn't?" The wise little girl probed further. "Mr. Carson likes us. Did you know that? He wants to be our new Dad." Ainslie smiled at this thought. She liked Carson and thought he'd make a nice Daddy. Her own father had never paid much attention to them and the fact that he wanted to be their Dad touched her deeply. "I heard him tell Allaster that when he was sleeping!"
"Oh you did?" Isobel asked enthusiastically, pretending she didn't know. She'd heard it too.
"Yeah but cousin Elise doesn't want to be our Mum."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Sad." She confessed, lowering her tiny eyes. She liked Elise and the idea that she didn't feel mutually about her and her siblings hurt her a lot. "I don't wanna go to the orphanage."
"Ainslie. I promise that she'll come around. I just know she will."
"And if she doesn't?" The girl asked again. Ainslie was not used to adults coming around for her and had a gut feeling that Cousin Elise would not follow through for them.
"Either way, you'll have Auntie Isobel." She smiled. "I promise I will fight to keep you if she decides she cannot and that you will always have a home here."
…
"Now, what's this all about?" Carson asked, placing his hands in his pockets.
The crickets chirped happily as Carson and Mrs. Hughes walked along in relative silence. She was deep in thought, trying to think of a way to explain this to him. She sighed.
"I don't want to be a mother." She said matter of factly. "I don't think I ever really did…if I had I would've left service long ago and married…I had my chances."
She gulped, not liking lying to him, which she was a little bit: she had wanted a baby for much of her adult life, but not enough to give up her independence or her ability to care for her sister.
"I'm lucky you didn't take them." He smiled, wrapping his arm around her. She sighed with relief inside. She'd been terrified he was angry with her and this one gesture let her know he was not.
"I couldn't be happier I waited for you love…I do wish we'd decided to be together sooner."
"I don't' know how you couldn't see that the timing is perfect."
They stopped and he turned to face her; her face illuminated by the moonlight. He wanted to take the moment to kiss her, but decided he needed to hear what she was going to say first. He was nervous. He'd also been waiting for her all his life. He loved her and didn't want that to change. He knew that part of him would love her no matter what she did, but another part of him didn't think he could forgive her for giving away three perfect children that could've been theirs: that wanted to be theirs.
She put her head down before beginning again. "It's Becky." She confessed.
"What?"
"It's Becky. She's why I don't want to be a Mother. I've been taking care of her, in one way or another practically since I could walk! I just wanted some time in my life to not have to take care of anyone…well except for you, my love. But you would care for me too."
"I-I would." He was stunned by her confession and wasn't sure how he hadn't thought of all that. Of course she'd been caring for Becky, since she was too young to care for anyone.
"Have you always cared for someone?" She asked him.
"No." He confessed, almost embarrassed.
His childhood had been carefree compared with hers (and many other people's), then he'd been a performer, and then finally a butler…an esteemed one. Carson had never realized how privileged he was before these few moments in the garden with his fiancé and was frankly dumbfounded.
"Retired or not, Becky is my responsibility." She put her head down, not wanting him to see that she was tearing up. "And I have to make sure I have the resources to care for her: how am I to do that with three bairns to feed?"
The truth was Becky and her care were a huge reason why Elsie had never married and had the baby she wanted so much. She didn't want Charlie to know that though, not when she was in the middle of making one of the hardest decisions of her life.
She didn't want him to know that he wasn't the only one who thought of these children as a blessing, and considered that they might be their future happiness… Elise knew her heart would ache for them everyday after she said goodbye and that she'd never, ever have a chance to be someone's mother again.
"But Elise it won't be just you, it'll be you and I doing this." He protested.
"Charlie, don't try to change my mind anymore." She said, her eyes flashing with tears.
He could see she was crying now and paused. He wanted badly to comfort her but didn't know how. At the same time, he also wanted to do his best to protect the children and make them part of their family and for a minute he didn't know what to say.
"I understand. And I don't want to ask you for anything you can't handle or don't want. For example, if we were younger, I would not ask you to bear my child when you did not want to."
"No, no Charlie it wouldn't have been that!" She sniffled, seeming to plead with him.
The idea that he thought she wouldn't have wanted to have his child hurt her. He could tell that, and in an instant, he understood he'd said the perfect thing. After all, what was the difference really?
"I'll see you later, love." He said, kissing her forehead and turning away from her.
"Charlie wait! Please." She cried.
"I promised to read Allaster a story before bed." He explained, not looking back at her as he began his journey to Isobel's.
"S-see you later then." She almost whispered. Elise remained in the garden, beginning to sob in sadness and confusion as he walked away.
…..
Somehow it wasn't Charlie's words but Isobel's that rang in Elsie's head, as she walked. 'I'm not a mother anymore.' Isobel had said sadly. 'And you never got to be.' The words almost taunted her, their impact feeling much like a knife shifting deeply in an already bloodied wound.
Elsie was supposed to return to Downton before meeting Charlie and Isobel back at Crawley House but had decided not to. She was far too distraught, her mind too full, and her heart too heavy for work. She'd remained in the garden all this time reflecting and trying to figure out what to do, but now that it was getting late and the children were probably asleep, she'd decided it was time to go and face her fiancé and sometime friend.
Elsie was puzzled when no one answered the door at Crawley House and let herself in quietly, even more surprised when she was greeted by the sound of the baby crying. The house was dark and quiet save Arabella's sobbing. Elsie wanted to call out for Isobel or Charlie but said nothing and followed the noise into the sitting room where she found the smallest girl by herself.
"What's the matter my little lass?" Elsie smiled down at the baby.
Arabella stood alone in her crib fussing and sucking on her own hand. Elsie waited a moment, wondering why no one was there to tend to her, then remembered that everyone was probably occupied with Allaster's illness.
"Alright no more tears child, come here." Elsie whispered quietly, her arms shaking as she reached down to pick up the baby. "Come here, love."
Elsie had no idea that Carson was hiding in the hall, watching her with the child. He found himself smiling. The girl stopped crying and looked up at Elsie with a hint of curiosity in her big blue eyes.
"Hello." Elsie whispered, staring back.
The baby babbled in reply and reached up to touch her face.
"Hello beautiful girl." She whispered, kissing her forehead.
A litany of emotions rushed over Elsie as she cradled the baby she'd promised herself she wouldn't hold. She found it hard to hold the baby she wanted, and had always wanted but knew she couldn't keep. She had lied to her fiancé on that score. She'd wanted a child and she very much wanted these children. She would never admit that in that moment she could feel a remnant of her biological clock ticking and started to panic: there was nothing, after all, like knowing and waiting paralyzed as you watched your last chance at something you'd wanted slip right through your fingers.
"I'm sorry I have to give you up love." Elise whispered. "I don't want to." Carson's heart sunk, understanding her pain when he saw her kiss the baby's
forehead.
"Is she alright?" Came a small voice that made Elsie jump.
"Oh! Oh Ainslie, lass what are ya doing in here in the dark?"
"Auntie Isobel put us here to try to keep us from getting sick."
"Is he that bad off?" She wondered, looking back toward the stairs. Carson quickly ducked behind the doorway where he couldn't be seen.
"I guess so. I-I tried to pick her up when she cried but she's too heavy for me." Ainslie explained sadly.
"That's alright. I was the big sister too, did you know that?"
"You were?" Ainslie asked. She hadn't realized Elsie had any other relatives.
"Oh yes." Elsie smiled, getting on her knees. "You've been taking care of her haven't you?"
"Umhmm." She nodded.
"Since you were a wee lass, and she just a tiny thing." Ainslie nodded again.
Elsie paused, wiping the little girl's hair out of her face and cupping her cheek in her hand. "You know you're far too small for that."
Ainslie nodded again, this was something she'd always known but no one had ever acknowledged. Her inattentive father had just let it happen. Elsie paused, staring back at the child for a moment; she knew she'd seen something of herself in the girl but was overwhelmed that this was what it was.
"Well my love. I promise you don't have to worry about that anymore."
Elsie sent Ainslie to get ready for bed and stayed in the sitting room in the dark, rocking the now sleeping Arabella.
"Charlie, she's so very little." Elsie said quietly, staring down at the sleeping baby in her arms. Arabella had turned over and cuddled into Elsie's chest.
"Yes she is." He approached; surprised she even knew he was there. "And she could use a beautiful, loving mum like you." Carson sighed, deciding he'd give it one last try in the hope that she'd somehow agree with him. He opened his mouth to continue but she spoke again.
"Well, Da what are we going to do with them then?"