AN: Nonsense inbound...enjoy :) Unedited.

Summary: Very early S1. Jack, being old-school is struggling with the mandatory transition from snail-mail to e-mail. Want to succeed and not take the courses Hammond has offered him he is intent on sending in his very first mission report electronically...but he might just need a little help from none other than his trusty new 2IC. J/S friendship/humour. K rated.

Hey Carter 17: It's me again. The E-Mail Fail

Jack sat for a few moments more, scratching his head and looking at the screen in front of him. "Right I can do this!" he voiced aloud, giving himself a real peppy pep-talk. 'Wha-at?' thought his brain, who even says that? No-one gives anyone a peppy pep-talk, that's just dumb. "Enough." he muttered, knowing he was just distracting himself and prolonging the task at hand. He had, in all fairness done pretty well so far...for a dinosaur that was. He had managed to open a word document, type out his mission report, save it, put a title on it...lose it for a while, find it again (with the help of Carter's hand written instructions) and open up his email. Now all he needed to do was figure out how to attach the document to the e-mail and send it off to Hammond.

"Paperclip...paperclip." he muttered, once again looking at the second sheet of paper given to him by his second. "Find the paperclip symbol and double-click it." He now knew that double-click meant twice but very fast. Not figuring that one out had made him feel pretty dumb, he should have got that one, double-click as in double-time...at least he would not forget it that was for sure. "Is that a paperclip?" Click, click. "No Jack, that is clearly not a paperclip. Ah-hah, there it is!" Click, click.

A little box opened up and Jack scratched his head. "Now what?" He sighed and read the words on the screen but they may as well have been in a foreign language. I mean, what the hell was a Desktop? He glanced down at the polished table his new personal issue laptop sat upon and then back at said item. Why did he need one of these anyhow? What was wrong with the top of his real desk...and a real paperclip for that matter? And a pen! Everyone knew how to use one of those and mail should just be mail, why did it have to have an 'e' at the start of it? "Electronic my butt." Stupid more like. It should really be called s-mail. "Stupid-mail." Not that it really mattered, it looked like this whole web thing was here to stay. It was supposed to just be a phase. It should be nearly over by now, just like those silly backpack phone thingies that were all the rage...although they were getting smaller now and he did have to admit having one of them might just have come in handy when his car broke down last week and he had to walk the fifteen miles to the nearest gas station.

"Jack!" he barked at himself. "You're letting yourself get distracted again!" Shaking himself out he looked up at the clock on the wall. "Two hours!" he had been at this whole typing thing two hours now and the document was only about a half a page long. "Ohh, I hate this!" he groaned, aware that he was talking out loud just a little too much...but that was stress for you. "Give me an ambush any day of the week!"

One more time he tried to figure out how to attach the nonexistent piece of paper to the nonexistent file. ... ... ... Nope! "Fine! I give up!" Heaving out a huge sigh he lifted the receiver of the phone on his desk and pressed speed-dial 2, knowing it would ring no more than twice.

"Captain Carter." The voice on the other end supplied.

"Hey Carter, it's me again. Look, I still can't do this. I hate to ask but...is there any chance you could come down and help me?"

There was only the slightest of pauses. "Sure thing Colonel, but it'll have to be quick, Teal'c needs help too."

"Can't Daniel help him?"

"He tried but I think Teal'c got a tad frustrated by his methods and told him to get out before, and I quote, 'the rodent that fails to resemble a rodent found a dark place in which to reside.' So ah, don't think that one worked out too well."

Jack grimaced, a clear image of that exchange imprinting itself on his mind. Daniel's 'methods' as Carter had called them were one of the reasons he himself had not asked the archaeologist for help. Who knew a contraption so modern could have a history so long and boring? 'From Cuneiform to Keyboards' the man was actually considering writing a paper on the subject...and for fun too! "Weirdo." Jack mumbled to himself.

"You say something Sir?"

"No, no! Just...please Carter. I want to get this stupid 'e' thingy sent off."

Again Carter paused. "What stage are you at Colonel? Maybe I could talk you through from here?"

"What stage?" Jack threw his free hand in the air. "I don't know Carter! How many stages are there? Am I nearly done yet, I don't know! Will the stupid paperclip get stuck in the outbox and screw up the whole thing, I don't know! Will I ever get out of this office again, well that depends. You gonna help me here or not?"

Jack could actually hear Sam flinching on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry Colonel, please calm down, of course I'll help you." He heard the squeak of the wheels on her chair as she sat down at her desk. "I'm just booting up again. Can you tell me what you can see on the screen right now?"

Jack scratched his head, some of the tension leaving his gut. Carter would help him do this and then, after a few tries, he would be able to this for himself. Nothing ever got the best of Colonel Jack O'Neill, two 'ells'. "Okay so there is this little box thingy inside a bigger box that is called 'Outlook'. I was trying to paperclip the message to the...to the...whatcha ma call it."

"E-mail, Sir. You were trying to attach the document to the e-mail."

"Yeah right, that." Jack cleared his throat, too many new words and all of them too straightforward to be easy to remember.

"So...inside the little box. Is it still there?"

"Yeah it's there, Carter."

"Good. Now there should be a list of things written in it. Look for the one that says 'My Documents.' That's where your mission report should be."

Jack scanned the screen. "Is that my documents as in my name or..."

"No Sir, it should be titled 'My.' As in m-y. It just means anything in there is personal to that particular computer." There was a small silence. "You got it?"

"Yeah Carter I got it. Double-click, right?"

"That's correct Sir."

"Done."

"Good, now, can you see the title of your mission report?"

"Ahh...no."

"No?"

"It's not there Carter! I can't see it. I hate this thing! I really, really hate it!" It was true it really did hate his computer and the whole idea of going digital, but right now what he hated even more was the fact that Sam was fully aware of how frustrated he was...that was way, way worse.

"It's alright Sir, I'll come down."

He bumped his fist on the desk a few times, this was not right. It was not fair to ask his 2IC to shoulder the responsibility for his own pig-headedness. "No Carter it's okay. You don't have to do that. I'll just take the lessons Hammond told me to." He offered reluctantly. Going back to 'school' was never his idea of fun, but in this case he reckoned he kind of had to. Unless... "Hey, wait? Where is, or what is a 'desktop'? I think I saved the mission to there."

"Oh in that case it will be easy to find Sir. If you just..." and she talked him through the rest of the procedure.

"Done! That's it Carter. I think I just sent my first ever e-mail!" Jack couldn't help grinning to himself.

"Congratulations Sir."

He could hear Sam smiling on the other end. "Thanks and I'm sure I'll be able to do it on my own next time. It's not actually all that difficult when you know how."

"Exactly Sir, I'm glad I could help, but now if you'll excuse me I better go find Teal'c. He's having an even harder time than you especially with not really being able to read English all that well yet."

"Sure thing Carter and thanks again. I owe you one. I'll buy you a piece of pie or something."

She was laughing lightly. "Thanks Sir, but pie is not really my thing...blue jello, now that's a different story."

"Blue jello it is Captain. Now go forth and teach Teal'c and I'll catch ya later."

"Will do Colonel, bye."

Jack sighed deeply as he hung up the receiver. "That wasn't too bad in the end." He breathed, trying really hard to convince himself Jack sighed deeply as he hung up the receiver. "In fact..." he might just try it again. With a dummy message that was...and he would try sending it to more than one person.

Painstakingly he opened up a new document, typed a few words. "Carter...likes...blue jell...o and Dan..i...e...l, has a...face like a...monkeys...butt." He chuckled to himself. Let's see how Daniel liked that one. It would certainly teach him not send him boring e-mails about best times of year to go fishing in Minnesota. Like he, Jack O'Neill needed to read anything about that! It had been his cabin for years for cryin' out loud!

Jack proceeded to open up his e-mail again and attached the document with ease. "Nice!" he declared. "Now...click the box, type in the name...click, there it is. Type in the other name, Carter...click and press...send all." Click, click. "Hah that was easy. This e-mail business is not so alien after all. Right...now it's time for some lunch. That made me really hungry...and you are still talking to yourself."

With that Jack pushed up out of his chair and headed for the door. Just as he shut it behind him his laptop binked. 'Out of office response: N. Astor, Lieutenant.'

Bink, bink, bink.

All across the base inboxes let out their alerts. '1 new message received: Sender: J. O'Neill, Colonel.'

...maybe Jack, although he did not realise it...still had a thing or two to learn.

END

AN: Oop! Silly learning curve fun! :) Hope you enjoyed!