Ch 6- The Missing Piece

"I can't believe you still love me Charlie." She said, tears in her eyes still.

"You can't believe I still love you?" He asked, taking her tearstained cheek in his hand. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me Elsie Hughes." He kissed her forehead sweetly.

Truthfully, Carson felt terrible for pressuring her about consummating their relationship the other night. It was out of character for him anyway, and now that he knew she'd been raped before…well he didn't want to bring her back to that place mentally and he certainly didn't want her to think of him in that context. Even though she was going to be his wife soon, he felt overwhelmed with shame over the whole matter.

"My only wish is that you and I had met sooner." He said. "When I could've rescued you, or at least, helped you save your daughter."

Elsie beamed, looking back up at him. "You're so gallant. No wonder I love you so much."

"Mrs. Carson. Just know I could never love you any less, not for anything in the world, especially not for what someone else did to you."

She sighed, settling into his chest. It was late at night but the two sat outside in Isobel's moonlit garden. It'd taken a while but Elsie finally calmed down, at least externally. Inside she was overwrought. Without Charlie and the children, she wouldn't want to live a moment longer now that her baby had passed. But hope of life with her husband and her three babies gave her the will to live.

"She was a beautiful child and she hated that we were apart, just as much as I did."

"So she knew?"

"She knew and I got to see her a few times a year, no one ever liked it much. But I was her world, and she was mine, especially when we were together. She lived in Argyll, farther from my parents farm than I would've liked…" She bit her lip, deciding how she was going to explain this to him. She really didn't want to talk about it, but she figured if anyone deserved the story, it was her husband to be.

"It happened, it happened after I'd entered service." She swallowed, burying her face in his chest. "I was home, on leave to visit family, and I wasn't all that young. I was an old maid truthfully." She swallowed, tears beginning to pour down her cheeks at the memory. "I had two men trying to court me at the time. One you know about, Joe Burns, who is a nice man. He'll come back into the story later. And one a traveling salesman, whose name shall not be uttered."

Carson paused, understanding this man was the rapist. In an instant, it angered him that whoever this monster was, he'd taken his love's virtue, violently and against her will.

"He was an attractive man, and he charmed the town. Truthfully, I never liked him much, even before. I agreed to go out with him, just the once and that was my mistake…" Elsie hung her head, taking a breath before moving on. "It's a farming community, where we live, compared to where I was from…there was nothing there. Here if you went for a walk with a young man." She supposed. "Well, there'd be someone to see what happened, someone to hear you scream." She started to shake and he drew her in closer. "But there was no one to hear me scream Charlie and I screamed my head off. I did everything I could but…."

"Shu…it's not your fault it's not your fault."

"I became pregnant, and I lost my job as a result. He fled town. It was all horrific; but I loved my girl like you couldn't believe and she loved me. It was a bond that never faded, even though we spent most of her life apart. We had a wonderful year together, she and I. I nursed her until she was old enough to be weaned and devised a plan to runaway from my family, to abandon them and take Allison to London or Glasgow and start a life, poor, and husbandless among the masses. You see by that time, I'd lived in the city, and I was already no longer just a farmer's daughter from the middle of nowhere. About the time I was ready to leave, my mother announced that I needed to return to work to provide for everyone because our farm could no longer do so. I had no choice, and I began looking for jobs, assuming she would keep my daughter. I was very wrong. I found a job, in Yorkshire, a place called Downton. I said goodbye to my baby and came here, thinking that eventually I'd bring her here to be with me. While I was gone, mother transferred her into the custody of cousins of ours." Elsie sniffled, beginning to sob. "I said 'goodbye my sweet love, mummy will see you soon." She choked. "And then she was just gone Charlie!" She sobbed.

"Oh my love. My love, how I wish you'd told me then."

Charlie felt such enormous guilt, realizing that he could've done something about this and changed the course of his love's entire life, and that of her daughter. He could've been the husband and father they needed, or at least, found a way to keep them together.

"She said it was too difficult with Becky and all, and insisted she didn't want it that way but I never forgave my mother. Never and now that I didn't get to say goodbye I never can. I saw her, of course, over the years. She was my best friend. My little mini-me." She bit her lip.

"She looked like you, just as Ainslie does?" He smiled.

"Oh the image. And she was always my shadow if we were together. But the cousin who raised her, she judged me for what befell me that night. In her mind there was no rape and I was merely a bad influence. She did her best to keep my girl from me, and with me so far away, it worked. They cut off communication between us Charlie. After we were married, I'd planned on telling you everything, and taking time to find her, but now…now I have to wonder if she died hating me, wanting nothing to do with me for all the time we spent apart."

"Oh my love, no one could ever hate you, certainly not your own child. Now we get a new start. I'm just sorry Allison isn't part of it."

"I'm heartbroken Charlie. I want to see this new start but I just can't stop thinking it: my beloved little girl is gone forever."

Carson rocked her softly, thinking about how hesitant she'd been to take on these children, and about how she'd seemed overcome with all sorts of different emotions the first time Ainslie and Allaster had called her Mummy.

"At the same time, Ainslie is my missing piece and I hers. She looks at me and sees her mummy and I look at her and I see my baby. It's uncanny Charlie."

"How did you not know sooner?"

"I thought I was seeing things." She said. "I thought, they're my cousins' of course they're not Allison's, if they were Allison's, I would know, wouldn't I? If they were Allison's that would mean…."

Elsie burst into tears again. This thought had crossed her mind very early on, and she'd dismissed it before ever truly considering it, after all, her daughter was out there somewhere and just fine.

"I'm so sorry for all the pain my love. Let me know what I can do to make it better."

"Be a good daddy now, or should I say granddad…Charlie what do we tell them?"

"The truth. But if it's all the same, I think we should still ask to be considered Mother and Father."

"Why?"

"Because. In Arabella's case, we're going to be the only parents she's ever known, and the twins knew their parents, and yet they're so keen to call us their parents. Something's not right about that my love."

"Yes I know." She sniffled. Ainslie was smart, and she wondered, if she knew the truth yet herself.

"We will tell them tomorrow." He said.

"I suppose its for the best." She sighed.

"May I ask something…insensitive… .as your….husband to be?"

"Always."

"Is this…is this why you didn't think we should…be together the other night." He paused and rephrased. "Is this why you didn't want to sleep with me?"

"It's-it's a reason. I need to feel safe, and very loved when we make love Charlie, so please, not until we're married."

"I would never have you feel anything but safe and loved." He smiled, resting his forehead against hers. "And trust me where I'm concerned you never will."

"That's why I love you so much Charles Carson, from the bottom of my heart."

"And why I wish, I could've loved you sooner."

…..

The next day, Charlie and Elsie made the time to take the children on a private picnic down by the little stream where she'd once forced Mr. Bates to throw his leg braces into the water. The children were giddy to be out with them and were laughing and giggling a mile a minute. Carson was reserved and Elsie was nervous. She studied Ainslie carefully, noticing a familiar necklace around the girl's neck.

"Ainslie, where did you get that necklace?" Elsie asked.

"Mummy gave me it." She mumbled quietly. "A long time ago on my birfday."

Elsie stopped, watching as Allaster grew sad at his sister's words. Ainslie looked back up at her curiously, clutching the necklace in her hand.

"It's a pretty little necklace."

"Mummy loved it, it was her favorite." Ainslie bit her lip.

"Do you know why my girl?" Elsie asked again.

"Because her Mummy gave it to her. Her real Mummy."

"Yeah her real one." Allaster remembered this part.

"Yeah. She was raised by cousins too!" Ainslie realized suddenly, sounding excited for a moment before she was sad again and Allaster nodded. "But her Mummy was alive."

"Yeah she said they took her away because she didn't have a Daddy." Allaster thought this was stupid. "They gave us to you Mama." He said to Elsie. "And they didn't know there was a Daddy what's the difference?"

"There's a world of difference I'm afraid." Elsie explained sadly. "Do you know much about your grandmother?"

"No. Mummy just said she loved her the mostest ever."

"And she missed her so much her heart hurted."

"Yeah it hurted." Ainslie agreed.

Elsie's heart leapt at this; relieved her girl hadn't hated her after all, but upset that their separation pained her too.

"Mummy, you said you knew her." Ainslie asked, a hint of nervousness and hopefulness in her voice.

"I'll never forget giving her that necklace. She looked just like you, wearing it, Ainslie."

The two children looked up at once, giving a collective gasp as their eyes lit up, both immediately understanding the connotation.

"Mrs. Hughes speaks the truth." Carson clarified, rocking Arabella in his lap.

Ainslie's eyes grew wide and Allaster stared back at Elsie.

"I didn't know my lad, my lass." Elsie began to cry. "But it turns out, I'm not your cousin after all, I'm your Grandmama."

The twins stared back, floored for a moment. Both Carson and Elsie were nervous about their reaction, but then, without hesitancy the twins flung themselves into her arms, finally understanding why they felt so connected to her.

"I know my loves." She whispered as they began to cry. "I love you so much. And I know it's hard, loosing your Mum and Da but…. I'm so grateful to have you."

The twins didn't answer and continued to cry as they clung to her. They'd missed their mother deeply, and having this connection to her, in their grandmother, was surreal for them, like a miracle they'd never expected to have. For Elsie, it was a long awaited reunion, and a second chance with her daughter. She held her breath, the fact that the twins were in her arms a relief: she'd almost lost them forever, due to her own self-doubt. The idea of that scared her senseless and now, she was determined never to let them go, especially since they wanted to be with her.

"I love you more than you could imagine my dear children, and I wanted your mother all her life. Just as I'm so happy to have you now."

"Mummy I love you too." Allaster kissed her cheek.

"Mummy me too!" Ainslie cried. "I'm glad you're my grandmummy. That makes more sense!"

'"Yeah." Allaster agreed.

"Yes it does my little ones." She giggled.

"Even though you turned out to be Grandmama." Allaster started. "Can you please still be our Mummy and Daddy?"

"We need a Mummy and Daddy." Ainslie reminded.

Carson smiled brightly and Elsie beamed, her eyes welling with tears.

"Yes my loves. I'd love to be your Mummy always and always."

The twins were excited once more. Feeling more bonded to Elsie than ever, they hugged her again, overwhelming her with sweet hugs and kisses.

'Thank you Allison my love.' Her heart whispered as tears rolled down her cheeks. 'Thank you for second chances. I promise I'll be the mother for them that no one let me be for you.'