Chapter 17:

"Be calm.

I know you feel like you are breaking down.

I know that it gets so hard sometimes.

Be calm."

Fun., Be Calm

Haldir

Christa's gentle snoring was the only sound that I could hear in the early morning stillness, and the only one that I wanted to hear. I lay with my head on my pillows, an arm draped lightly around her shoulders, watching as she slept soundly. She had not stirred since she had fallen asleep the night before, her face nuzzled deeply into my chest. Had she not have been snoring, I would have feared for her ability to breath, but as it was, I had not worried.

I smiled sadly, wondering just what had driven Christa to seek me out so late at night. It had not been surprising for me to see her so shaken, and that thought brought me great sorrow. Absent mindedly, I moved my arm up and began to play with her hair. It was apparent to me that she was going through an ordeal, and as much as I did not like being omitted from her troubles, I was willing to give her the privacy that she needed to figure them out herself. Had I not been so close to her, I would have been more persistent with her, but I knew her well enough to know that she preferred to keep her worries to herself. She would disclose her struggles to me when she felt ready to do so, and if that day never came, then I would honour that, albeit begrudgingly.

I paused in my thoughts as Christa stirred beneath my touch, the first time she had moved all night. To my relief, she did not fully wake. The dawn was only barely upon us, and I had no desire for Christa to wake so early. Settling back down into the pillows, she soon stilled and began to snore softly once again. I chuckled softly to myself, glad that I could now see her face, and shifted my own body slightly into a more comfortable position. Propping myself up on my elbow, I smiled, taking in her features.

I had never seen her like this before, relaxed and completely disconnected from the troubles of her mind, the goings on of the world around her. It was refreshing for me to see her this way, her mouth curled up ever so slightly at the corners, her eyelids closed lightly, dark eyelashes brushing against her cheeks. Her chestnut hair fell in waves over her forehead, somewhat messy from yesterday's events. Never before had I shared my bed with another, and despite the implications of wrongdoing that would surely be projected if anyone caught wind of our actions, I regretted nothing. There was nothing to regret, after all. We had done nothing wrong.

When Christa had asked if she could stay, there had not been a moment of hesitation in my mind, for before me had been a soul in need of gentle company. And that soul happened to have been a beautiful one that had caught my eye.

When did it happen? I really couldn't answer that question. I had asked myself countless times when my feelings for the strange girl from the forest had blossomed, and every time I had come up empty handed. How was one supposed to pin-point the exact moment in time that they realised they loved someone? I didn't know, and I was sure that it was not possible for me to do, but still I tried.

For weeks I had worried that Christa did not share the feelings that I had for her. I had begun to fear that my advances were going unnoticed, or that she was simply not interested in returning them. The Enderi Feast had finally offered me a glimmer of hope. It had shocked me at first, how beautiful she had looked in her dress. She had behaved so casually that night, but the simple fact that she had allowed me to escort her had given me great joy. Whether it had been the wine or her own heart talking, she had enjoyed herself thoroughly, I knew. I had longed to voice my feelings for her during our time dancing together, but my courage had failed. Perhaps it was for the better.

The fire had been reduced to embers by the time dawn arrived. The day's first light wafted in through the windows, and I smiled as Christa stirred, the rays shining on her face.

Christa

"Give me love like never before,

'Cause lately I've been craving more,

And it's been a while but I still feel the same,

Maybe I should let you go"

-Ed Sheeran, Give Me Love

I woke rather abruptly as the sun shone on my face, warm in contrast to the slight chilliness of the room. Reaching for one of my pillows, I groaned and pulled it over my face, blocking out the light. I wasn't ready to wake up yet. I felt light-headed and I could tell that my eyes were still rather puffy from crying the night before. I sighed deeply, wanting nothing more than to sleep and ignore all of the problems that I knew I would be forced to deal with sooner rather than later.

"Good morning, Christa."

My breathing hitched and my troubles were all momentarily forgotten as I remembered where I was. Removing the pillow from my face, I battled the brightness and tilted my head up to meet Haldir's gaze. He smiled at me and I felt my cheeks go pink.

"I'm probably a mess," I laughed as I reached up to rub the sleep from my eyes.

"I think you look beautiful," Haldir replied, reaching over to cup my face with his hand, running his thumb along my cheek. I smiled and tried to hide the fact that my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I saw it in his eyes in that moment, the worry that he was trying to hide from me. I knew that he could tell that there was something wrong, and I wished with all of my heart that I could tell him everything. But I knew that I couldn't do that.

How long would I have to play this game? I had been reckless, I knew that. I had shoved my problems aside, blatantly opening my heart up to Haldir. I had known last night that what I was doing was wrong, but I had done it anyways. And now I was going to have to deal with the consequences. But how long did I have to clean up the mess that I had made? I stared into Haldir's eyes as we silently searched each other's souls, and knew that I couldn't do it now.

"Haldir, I… I should be going," I said, breaking the silence as I slowly moved to sit up on the bed. Haldir sat up too and wrapped his arms around me. We sat there on the bed for a few moments, neither one of us willing to break the embrace. Countless emotions clashed inside of me, but I held them in. When Haldir finally broke the embrace, I offered him a smile. He smiled back, and even though it looked genuine, I knew that it wasn't.

Rising from the bed, I pulled on my boots before running my fingers through my hair. Haldir stood also, and watched me silently as I pulled on my cloak over top of yesterday's clothes. I paused, offering him another smile.

"Thank you," I said softly, trying to supress the lump that I could feel rising in my throat.

"There is no need to thank me," Haldir replied, his eyes offering a hint of brightness. I felt my heart flutter momentarily, glad to see this small hint of happiness. Unable to stand the distance between us, I stepped forward and wrapped him in another hug.

"You put up with so much. I'm thankful to have you," I whispered, fighting back the tears. Now was not the time for them. I felt Haldir take a deep breath before he spoke up.

"And I am thankful to have you, Christa," he replied. I wondered what he thought of my behaviour, and I tightened my grip around his waist. "Whenever you need me, I will be there for you."

Fearful that either one of us could break at any moment, I pulled away from the embrace. With one last smile, I quietly left the flet. As I swallowed my tears, I hoped that I didn't look as broken as I felt.

A hot bath helped to melt away my sorrows, and by the time the water had cooled down and I was forced to climb out, I felt much better. Though I hadn't needed it, I had spent a long while scrubbing myself down. It had felt therapeutic, almost symbolic, as if I was ridding myself of everything that was troubling me.

After wrapping myself in a warm towel, I grabbed my hairbrush and curled up on the bed to comb through my hair. It had been months before I even arrived in Middle Earth since I had last had my hair trimmed, and I was starting to notice an increasing number of split ends. As I pulled my brush through my hair, I couldn't believe just how long it had gotten. I never grown my hair past my shoulder blades, but now it was nearly down to my waist. The length of my chestnut tresses reminded me of how long I had been here every time I saw them, and the thought brought a rush of emotions along with it.

Unwilling to be subject to my emotions again so soon after calming down, I set my brush down and set to work pulling my hair back to cover my ears. As my fingers brushed the pointed tips, I wondered if I would be able to get through to the end without revealing that I was not really a human anymore. What a strange thought. Though they still kind of freaked me out, I had become quite fond of them. I'm not going to have them forever, might as well enjoy the elven aesthetic while I can. That, too, was a weird thought. The thought that someday not too far away, I would be waking up back on Earth, leaving Middle Earth and all of its characters behind.

"That's enough deep thinking for now," I breathed as I rolled off of my bed, satisfied with my hair. Pulling on a simple grey tunic and a pair of breeches, I decided that it had been too long since I had visited Hérion and Faenelin. I quickly laced on my boots and grabbed my cloak, before heading to the stables.

The barn was quiet, with only a couple of elves doing chores as I passed through the aisle. A couple of them smiled at me as I walked past. The familiar smells of hay and horse masked all of my worries, and my steps felt lighter. Yes, this is what I needed.

The horses had been turned out for the day, so I left the barn with Faenelin's lead to fetch her from her pasture.

"Good morning, Christa," Hérion greeted me as I crested the shallow hill along the pastures. I lifted my hand in greeting, smiling warmly.

"To you too, Hérion. You don't mind if I take Fae for a ride, do you?" I asked, pausing to whistle to the mare, who was grazing at the far end of the pasture. At the sound, she raised her head, ears pricked, before trotting across the field towards the gate. Hérion shook his head.

"Of course not, you know that you do not need to ask," he replied with a chuckle.

Unlatching the gate and entering the field, I laughed shortly, "I know, I just like asking I guess."

Faenelin pulled up in front of me and snorted, shoving her muzzle against my chest. Laughing as I stumbled, I scolded her gently before tying the lead to her halter.

"You seem happy to see me," I cooed, scratching her forehead. The grey mare snorted again.

"Enjoy your ride, Christa. I must be getting back to work," Hérion said, glancing back towards the stables.

"See you later," I replied as I combed a small knot out of Fae's mane with my fingers. Once I had worked that out, I glanced over the rest of her. Surprised that the mare was, for once, pretty clean, I decided that she didn't need a brush. Leading her through the gate and back over to the fence, I tied the end of the lead to the other side of her halter and used the fence boards to spring lightly onto the old mare's back.

"Let's just take it easy today, mellon. It's been a while since I've ridden bareback," I whispered to Faenelin in English, grabbing the lead rope, as well as a chunk of her silver mane. The mare flicked an ear in my direction at the unfamiliar language, and I couldn't help but laugh. "You're smart, you'll figure out what I mean." With a nudge against her sides, we set off at a leisurely trot down the path towards the woods.

"I should probably get used to speaking English again," I said out loud as I did my best to post to Fae's smooth trot. "Well, the Common Tongue, I guess. Fae, do I have an accent?"

The mare stretched out her neck and snorted, shaking her head slightly. I laughed at her response, clutching her mane so as not to get dragged off over her neck.

The mare was the only one I was really able to talk with in the Common Tongue, and I knew that it would probably be best if I got used to considering it my main language again. After speaking nothing but Sindarin for so many months, it had embedded itself in my mind as my first language, even though it definitely wasn't. There was still so much about the language that I didn't know, but I had pretty much nailed the pronunciation aspect, and as such, had developed a hint of an accent. The realisation made me proud, and I smiled.

"So, you don't know English then, Fae. Comprends-tu le français, mon amie?" I asked her jokingly. The mare exhaled dramatically, and I couldn't help but laugh at the coincidence of her timing.

The rest of the week passed by uneventfully, and I spent most of my time at the stables with Faenelin. The atmosphere and being alone with the grey mare were probably the only things keeping me sane. I also made an effort each day to practice my archery, making sure to maintain the skills that I had already obtained.

At night, however, I would lie awake, my mind a turmoil of everything that I was going to have to take care of soon. Too soon. I had no idea how I was going to tell Haldir that I had to leave him behind. How could I make him understand that I needed to go? That it was the only way that I was going to be able to get back home, where I belonged? I couldn't. It wasn't possible, not without explaining everything. I was starting to worry that I wasn't going to be able to tell him, but the idea of leaving Haldir with no explanation made me sick to my stomach every time it crossed my mind.

And on top of those worries was the fear of leaving the safety of Caras Galadhon. I had grown so accustomed to the city, and couldn't imagine life outside of it's walls. I hadn't seen any part of Middle Earth except Lothlórien, and I knew that no matter what I had seen in the movies or read in the books, nothing could prepare me for the shock of being exposed to the elements of the wild. I knew that I was going to have to find someone to practice my self-defence with, be it Haldir or one of the other members of the Fellowship, but I really didn't want to approach anyone about it. Before, it had been a precautionary measure, just in case, but now, I knew that fighting wasn't going to be optional any more. I knew well enough that we were going to run into our fair share of danger.

I hadn't seen the Fellowship at all since our first meeting, and I really wanted to get myself acquainted with them. Galadriel had suggested that I get to know them, and on top of that, I wanted to spend time with them. I would have done it days ago, but every time I contemplated going down to visit, I chickened out. Maybe it was the fact that I associated them with having to leave Haldir, or maybe it was just because I was shy, but it had to be done.

"It won't be so scary once you get to know them better," I said to myself as I pulled on my boots one morning. With one last peek at myself in the mirror to make sure that my hair was in place, I started off out the door.

I found the Fellowship in the same spot outside of their pavilion. With their backs to me, the group was watching Merry and Pippin as they practiced their sword skills with Aragorn. As I approached, the two young hobbits stopped their swings and turned to face me.

"Miss Christa!" Pippin's face lit up, and he dropped his tiny sword to rush over to me. Merry did the same, following after his friend. I laughed as their curly heads bobbed towards me.

"Pippin, Merry," I said with a grin, acknowledging each as they reached me and took my hands in theirs to lead me back towards where the others were sitting.

"We were worried that you wouldn't come to visit us again," Merry said, looking up at me.

"Why wouldn't I have come back?" I replied, smiling more than I had all week at the sight of the cheery hobbits.

"Perhaps we were too overwhelming?" Pippin said, concerned as he glanced up at me.

"Never," I replied with a chuckle, looking up to acknowledge the others. "Good morning," I smiled as Merry and Pippin dragged me over towards the campfire.

"Lady Christa," Aragorn was the first to greet me as I was ushered towards an empty seat. Merry and Pippin sat themselves down on either side of me.

"Please, just Christa is fine," I said with a smile, my nerves gone in the company of the two hobbits seated beside me.

"Do you always dress like this?" Pippin spoke up again, and I turned to him, curious as to what he meant. "I mean, do you ever wear dresses? I've never seen a woman dress like you are now."

"Pippin!" Merry exclaimed, leaning in front of me to scold his friend. I laughed, raising a hand slightly to calm him.

"It's quite all right! It's a perfectly acceptable question," I grinned, before turning back to Pippin. "I am used to dressing in this manner, though I do also wear dresses. I find them quite cumbersome, and I can't imagine ever wearing one to ride in or with my quiver. I think that would look quite silly."

"You have skill with a bow, then?" Aragorn asked me, interested at my mention of archery. I nodded.

"Haldir taught me," I replied, trying not to chuckle as I heard Gimli grumble under his breath. "And I already knew how to ride before I arrived in Lothlórien," I added.

"It is not uncommon for the ellith of Mirkwood to be practiced in these arts," Legolas spoke up then, and I shifted my gaze to look at him. "It is almost strange to me that the none of the Galadhrim are female, since there are several ellith in our guard in Mirkwood."

"I never really gave it much thought, but you are right. The women here seem content managing the domestic side of things."

"That is how it is with most cultures," Aragorn offered. "It is the same in Rivendell, yet the choice is offered should any choose to take the path of warrior instead of handmaiden."

"Us hobbits have no cause for fighting," Sam piped up. "'Least we didn't, 'til we went running off on this quest." I smiled as I caught his gaze, noticing that the stout hobbit had only lifted his chin to speak, before looking back down again at his hands. I knew what the cause for his concern was, and I wished that I could help him. You've got your own problems to worry about. I swallowed, pushing out the reminder and turning my attention back to the Fellowship.

"Dwarf-women are cherished and are therefore guarded within our mountains," Gimli supplied. I was about to ask why, when I noticed Boromir open his mouth to speak.

"There are no female warriors in Gondor," Boromir spoke up for the first time since my arrival. My gaze turned to him, hesitantly, curious as to what he had to say on the topic. "War has ever been the province of men, and I believe that it should remain so. Women serve their cities in other important ways, and would only be a burden on the battlefield."

I didn't know what to say in response to his statement, and bit my tongue. I supposed that I was lucky that I had woken up in an elven domain, as opposed to a human one. Middle Earth was far from achieving gender-equality, and I needed to remember that. The lord of Gondor wasn't being intentionally rude, but as much as I reminded myself of that fact, it still angered me to hear him say that when I was in his company.

"Is Frodo around today?" I said after a moment of silence, looking around. I had noticed that he hadn't been there the moment that I had set foot in the clearing, but now I just needed an excuse to change the topic.

"He's gone off again," Sam said, fiddling with a button on his coat.

"He'll be back soon, Sam. Don't you worry," Aragorn said quietly to the Halfling.

"That's too bad, I was looking forward to meeting him," I said. As much as I was anticipating meeting the young hobbit, a large part of me was relieved that he wasn't around. I wanted to avoid the Ring at all costs, especially if I was going to be traveling in its presence in a couple of weeks' time. I shuddered at the thought. I would delay my exposure to it for as long as I could.

I stayed a bit longer with the Fellowship, talking about all sorts of unimportant things. What I really wished to discuss was their venture so far, but I knew that that was most certainly off limits for now. As much as I wished to learn all about the Ring Wraiths and Gandalf's fight with the Balrog, it would definitely be a long time before I would be able to question them about their journey. It would be a sensitive topic to address, seeing as no one except Galadriel knew of my knowledge of the Ring and of the Fellowship's quest to destroy it.

How am I supposed to tell them that I will be leaving with them? My thoughts about their quest begged the question, and I definitely didn't have an answer for it yet. Was I even supposed to tell them? Or would Galadriel simply inform them?

As the hour drew to a close, I decided that it was time for me to take my leave. Standing up from the log, I stretched out, stiff from sitting on the hard surface for such a prolonged period of time.

"I'm afraid that I must be going," I said to the group as I straightened out.

"It was nice having you here, Christa," Aragorn said with a smile, and I nodded my thanks.

"Aye, it is nice to have a fresh face around," Gimli added, and my grin widened at his words.

"I'm glad that my visits are not seen as annoying," I laughed.

"I shall have to put your skills to the test soon, Legolas said, and I raised an eyebrow at his statement, before understanding what he meant.

"Of course! I would love the challenge, though I am sure that I am no match for you," I replied, knowing that he would definitely best me, but who would I have been to pass up the opportunity to have an archery contest with the Prince of Mirkwood?

At the thought, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be meeting Haldir today for practice. The thought made my chest tighten, and I quickly took a deep breath the steady myself.

"Actually, I just realised that I am going to be late to practice," I said quickly. "I will see you all again soon. Tell Frodo that I am anxious to meet him."

"Certainly," Aragorn nodded his farewell, as did Legolas. The hobbits grinned and waved as I turned and headed back quickly towards the stairs.

I was going to be late. Sighing, I started up the long climb, taking the stairs two at a time. There was no sense in dilly-dallying and making myself even more tardy than I needed to be. I didn't stop to do anything at my flet, except to grab my bow and quiver from the corner of my room. As soon as I had slung them over my shoulder, I was out the door again, making my way down the stairs. I was in such a hurry that I didn't notice the amused looks that I was getting from the elves as I passed by, too eager to make it to the range and see Haldir.

Is that the right word? Eager? The butterflies in my stomach said that I was nervous, and my heart fluttering in my chest indicated that I was looking forward to seeing Haldir, but there was also a nervous knot inside of me, warning me to be careful. I was going to get hurt either way, I knew it, but what made me think twice whenever the memory of our kiss popped into my mind was the fact that I was going to hurt Haldir. Nevertheless, I continued on, my breathing heavy by the time I reached the range.

Haldir was standing in the usual spot, stringing his bow. I slowed to a jog as I neared him, only now becoming tentative to approach. I knew that he already knew that I was there. No matter how light I had become on my feet, there was no hiding the sound of my breathing. Or my heartbeat, for that matter.

"Sorry I'm late," I said quietly as I stopped beside him, pulling my bow from my shoulder to string it.

"I was worried that you had forgotten," Haldir said, turning to face me, a soft smile on his lips. I paused in my efforts to string my bow with trembling hands, my heart fluttering in my chest at the sound of his voice. What's wrong with you? Get a grip.

"I would never forget twice in a row," I lied, chuckling nervously as I looked up at him. Haldir nodded slowly at my terrible lie, smiling.

"I have missed you," he said quietly, reaching up to lay a hand on my shoulder lightly. A shiver ran down my spine at the simple touch. Not too long ago, such a gesture would have gone unnoticed, a simple act of friendship. Now, however, it made my cheeks grow warm and I looked down at my bow, blushing.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy," I said, not sure what else to say, watching as my fingers traced with the wood grain. I hadn't really been busy at all, of course. I had been keeping to myself. Avoiding you.

For once, Haldir was oblivious to my false words, and we got down to business at once. It struck me as odd, that even after all that had changed between us, Haldir could still instantaneously switch back to his old self. A Marchwarden, my instructor. For that, I was relieved. I could focus all of my attention on my shooting, instead of worrying about my feelings.

To my relief, I hadn't lost any of the skills that I had learned. I hadn't improved, either, but that didn't matter to me. As long as I was still able to hit the middle of the target at least half of the time, I was pleased. We focused our time on working on my quickness, an aspect that I still hadn't been able to improve much through my own practice. By the end of the lesson, I was drawing much faster, and despite losing some of the accuracy that I was able to achieve with time, I was shooting at a pace that Haldir was happy with.

"From now on, I want you to practice at that pace," Haldir said to me as I plucked my arrows from the target at the end of the afternoon. I nodded my head as I pulled the last arrow from the tree and returned it to my quiver. "In time, your accuracy will improve."

I huffed. "At this point, I feel like the extra second or two is more beneficial that quickly releasing and hoping for the best."

"In a life or death situation, ever second you take to fire is a second that could cost you your life," Haldir replied bluntly. I shuddered, knowing that he was right.

"I guess," I mumbled, loosening the string on my bow before slinging it over my shoulder. We started off across the range, back towards the city centre.

"If you are hungry, we can go for dinner," Haldir said as we reached the edge of the clearing. I turned to face him.

"You really understand me," I said with a chuckle. "I am quite hungry."

"Excellent," Haldir replied with a smile.

A few steps later, my stomach growled and I just grinned, knowing full well that Haldir had heard it as well. It was amazing how a little fresh air could clear away all of my problems, even if it was only for a little while.

First off, I would like to say sorry for how long it took me to update this! I have been drowning in homework ever since the second semester of my university started at the beginning of the month. I thought that I would have more time for writing, but with getting used to my new classes, on top of my bad time-management skills, I have been pretty strapped for time. Hopefully things start getting better this week (I have sworn to not procrastinate anymore, but we'll see how that goes!)

This was not really a monumental chapter by any means, but I hope that you all enjoyed it anyways! Please leave a review and let me know how you are liking the story! We're almost to the big day, guys! I'm getting so pumped, and I'm itching to get Christa out with the Fellowship, but I don't want to rush this important part of Christa and Haldir's relationship.

Thanks for reading, guys! I will do my best to update again soon.

Also, I really encourage you all to check out the tumblr that I made for this story and give it a follow! For now, there's not much going on, but when the Fellowship leaves, I will be posting location updates, skill updates, quotes, etc. Waking-dreams-fanfic .tumblr .com is the link! If you have any suggestions for the tumblr blog, I will gladly take them too!

-Eru