Chapter 19:

"Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in

Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in"

MIKA, Any Other World

Haldir's eyes never left mine as I took a deep breath. I saw him swallow, brow furrowing in concern as he searched my eyes. The words were out, and now I had to explain myself. Even so, I was tempted to lie my way around the truth.

"What is it, Christa?" Haldir's voice was low, and though he maintained a strong composure, I could tell that he was nervous about what I had to say. Fiddling nervously with my thumbs, I stared into his eyes, willing myself to speak. Tell him. You have to tell him.

"I… I don't know how to say this without hurting you," I started as my hands began to tremble.

"Say what you must, please," Haldir replied, reaching out to grab hold of my hands, messaging my palms gently.

"Lady Galadriel, she… I've spoken with Lady Galadriel," I started, my voice shaky as I struggled to piece my words together in an understandable sentence. How was I supposed to even explain what was going on? I hadn't given it much thought, I had been too afraid to even think about what I was going to tell Haldir. Haldir gave a slow nod of encouragement, eyes still melting into mine.

"She has suggested that I depart with the Fellowship," I finally spat out, my eyes immediately dropping so that I would not have to watch as Haldir's face fell. I didn't need to see his face to know that he was confused and hurt. He tensed, his hands briefly clutching mine tighter before loosening again, though his fingers had stilled.

"Why?"

I had expected this question, but still I did not know how to respond. I shook my head, still to ashamed to look him in the eye. "I wish that I could tell you, Haldir."

My friend said nothing, and I did not offer anymore of an explanation. What else could I have said? I couldn't tell him why I was being asked to leave. Not only would Haldir not understand, but it was crossing over the line and I knew that no matter what, I couldn't tell anyone how I had gotten here.

After several long moments of silence, I dared to lift my gaze. Haldir's face was unreadable, shadowed as the sun began to set behind the trees, but his eyes were reflecting the last of the light and I could tell that he was struggling to understand what I had told him. I gave his hand a squeeze, pained by the empty expression on his face.

"And you will go," he said simply, avoiding my gaze though I was desperately willing him to meet my eyes. I nodded, biting my lip.

"I must."

The moments ticked by, and with each one my despair grew, gnawing at my heart. Haldir was gazing at the ground beyond my shoulder, his eyes unreadable. I had not seen him like this even when I had first met him. Though he wore an almost identical expression, this was not the strict, hard Marchwarden who had escorted me to see the Lord and Lady of Caras Galadhon. This was not the archery instructor with high expectations and a low tolerance for improper technique. This was not the battle-hardened warrior that I knew he was. This was Haldir, torn apart by words that had come from my own lips.

I opened my mouth to speak, to apologize, to somehow fill his eyes with joy once again, but before I could say anything, Haldir had leaned in and was kissing me. One of his hands held my head, and the other was placed on my upper back, gently holding me tightly against him as his lips met mine. Surprised, I gasped before quickly melting into his embrace, my eyes closing as we kissed.

This kiss was different than our first. The kiss in my flet, though just as impulsive, had been slow and timid. Now, as Haldir tasted my lips and I breathed in his, I knew that this was a far more desperate, a last-ditch effort to persuade me to stay. I felt my heart ache despite the pleasant shiver that ran down my spine. My fingers clutched at the fabric of his cloak, never wanting to let him go, and his fingers ran through my hair, holding me close.

Just as suddenly as it had begun, Haldir drew away, leaving me gasping for breath. I met Haldir's eyes for a brief moment as I opened mine, and before either one of us could say anything, he bowed his head and turned. He left me standing in the growing twilight, and I didn't try to go after him.

He left the next morning without saying goodbye. As much as it hurt, I wasn't at all angry with him. We both knew that we would be seeing each other again soon, and as far as I was concerned, we both needed some time alone to process what had happened the day before.

Faenelin proved a strong shoulder to cry on, and I welcomed her soft nudges and gentle snuffles of concern. No words could comfort me now. I just needed to get over one more bump in the road now, and then I could be on my way home. Though I knew that this way of thinking was skewed, I took comfort in the idea of seeing my parents again. Soon, I would wake up in a hospital bed feeling who knows how crappy. I would be able to see the looks on my parents' faces when they saw me open my eyes. And I will never see Haldir again.

As much as I anticipated returning home, my joy at the prospect of going back had been clouded by the idea of leaving my friend behind. Friend. Was that even the correct term anymore?

"Of course it is," I whispered angrily into Faenelin's mane. "We were never anything more than that." We had kissed, that was all. Despite the feeling that there had been more between us than simple friendship, Lady Galadriel's words echoed in my mind whenever I thought about it. "You do not love Haldir, though you wish that you could have." Her words still made me angry, but who was I to argue with Galadriel? She was the one who possessed the power of foresight, after all. I didn't matter how much I tried to reason with myself, however. I was upset and there was no avoiding it.

Pulling my face from Faenelin's warm neck, I gave her a pat of gratitude before wiping my face. The stables were dark, with only a single lantern at the end of the aisle lighting the large space. I had spent the whole day at the stables, grooming and talking to the old mare. I hadn't broken down until Hérion had departed, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I wasn't sure how long I had been crying, but judging by the fact that it was past dusk, it had been way longer than I had anticipated.

Leaving a gentle kiss on Faenelin's nose, I crept from the stables, doing my best not to wake the horses who had already drifted off to sleep. Once the doors had closed behind me with a gentle groan, I started off quickly back towards my flet.

The forest was quiet, but thankfully I had travelled the path enough times to not be afraid of the eerie silence. I could already see the lights of the city up ahead, twinkling in the deep blue of the night. It was funny to think about the fears that I had brought with me to Caras Galadhon. My fear of heights had been conquered, and despite the fact that I would still rather be on solid ground that in a tree, I no longer feared falling as much. Dark forests had never been a problem in Lothlórien, for some reason. Perhaps it was simply because of the magic that protected the city, or because I had grown used to being out at night.

The rest of Middle Earth isn't safe, you know. I shuddered as I thought about the adventure that I was going to be diving headfirst into. In just two weeks' time, I would be leaving the safety of the elven forest behind. And you get bet your ass there's going to be lots of dark forests out there.

Hurrying along now, I walked with long strides, making short work of the rest of the trip back to my flet. I slowed once I reached the stairs, taking one step at a time with heavy feet. I had not felt so tired in a long while, and welcomed the peaceful darkness of my flet. Closing the door behind me, I lit the fire and sat down in the chair in the corner of the room.

I had not slept well the night before, and now I was feeling it. Eyeing my bed, I sighed, sinking deeper into the chair as I debated whether or not I actually wanted to go to bed. As exhausted as I was, I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep, not with all of the thoughts inside of my head.

With that thought, I reached over the armrest and pulled open the drawer in the table beside me. Taking out several sheets of parchment, a bottle of ink, and a quill, I pulled myself from the chair and wandered over to the table by the window. Wiping the thin layer of dust from the wooden surface, I laid my things down and pulled out one of the chairs for myself. The other chair on the opposite side of the table glared at me, unoccupied, as I thought about how long it had been since I had sat here. I hadn't used the table since Haldir and I had wrapped up my Sindarin lessons.

Biting my lip, I picked up the quill and dipped it into the bottle of ink, tapping it lightly on the edge of the bottle absentmindedly as I pondered what I should write. I knew that I needed to get all of my thoughts out of my head, and writing them down seemed like the best solution.

Pulling the quill from the bottle, I wrote the first words that came to mind, deciding that it would just be best to say whatever I was thinking. I wrote without stopping to read my own words, only pausing to dip the quill into the ink bottle. When I was done, I set the quill down and stared at the parchment, gaze unfocused as tears tickled my cheeks. Sniffling, I carefully folded the parchment after making sure that the ink was dry. Picking up the quill again, I dipped it into the bottle one more time, my hand hovering over the paper briefly, before I wrote one last word in shaky handwriting.

"Haldir," I murmured, reading it aloud as I picked up the folded parchment. An apology letter to Haldir, because I was too cowardly to say how I truly felt to his face.

Tucking the letter under a book so that it wouldn't get misplaced, I stood from the table and made my way over to my bed. After undressing, I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would find me quickly.

Over the next couple of days, I found myself able to breath a little easier. My mind felt clearer, and even if it was only a slight change, I welcomed it. I opened the letter several times, adding onto it and taking away from it as best as I could. I did not want to leave out any of my thoughts. I wanted to make sure that Haldir knew everything that was going on in my head, every emotion that I was battling. Several times I caught myself scribbling about home, about my family and about how I hoped that everything would work out all right in the end. These writings were promptly crumpled up and thrown into the fire as soon as I came to realise what I was doing. As much as it pained me, I would never be able to tell Haldir about why I had to leave him.

I had also been doing my best to spend as much time as I could with the Fellowship. I had finally been introduced to Frodo, and had been relieved to find that the ring hadn't been a bother at all. I wondered if it perhaps had something to do with the fact that I was turning into an elf, or if maybe it was just because the ring had been hidden. I wasn't sure if that was really a factor or not, but I wasn't concerned about it, since it hadn't tempted me anyways. He was a kind and quiet hobbit, and I I hadn't figured out how I was going to break the news that I would be travelling with them. Honestly, I was hoping that the Lord and Lady would inform them so that I wouldn't have to.

I was leaving my flet one morning when I noticed Legolas' familiar form walking down the stairs. Curious as to what the elven prince was doing around here, I picked up a jog and crossed the platform lightly.

"Legolas! Good morning," I said as he turned at the sound of my footsteps, smiling as he noticed who I was.

"Good morning, Christa," he replied, halting momentarily so that I could fall into step beside him before we continued down the stairs.

"If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing up here?" I asked, glancing at him as we walked. Legolas laughed, and I looked at him again, the corners of my mouth curled into a curious smile.

"I have been spending my nights in a flet much like your own," he answered smoothly.

"Oh. You haven't been staying with the rest of the Fellowship?" I asked, my brows raised slightly at his response. Legolas shook his head.

"Nay, I prefer the company of my kindred," he said. "Long has it been since I last shared word with my people. The company of hobbits, men and dwarves has proven interesting, yet to speak in my own tongue after so many weeks is a delight. How long have you spoken Sindarin? I did not know that you knew the language, though I suppose there are not many in Lorien who speak the Common Tongue. You speak it well."

I smiled, bowing my head in humble thanks. "Thank you. Haldir began teaching me to speak it several months ago, after I asked. I suppose when you have no choice but to speak a new language, you are inclined to learn it rather quickly," I chuckled. "I have not had a chance to speak in the Common Tongue for many months, so it feels quite strange, to say the least. Sindarin seems more natural for me now."

Legolas smiled warmly. "You seem to have earned the favour of the Marchwarden, you speak of him as a close friend. Forgive me if I pry; your tale intrigues me, for you live so comfortably among a people that are not your own."

I blushed at his comment, tilting my head away slightly in hopes of hiding the colour that had risen to my cheeks. I chose not to comment on my friendship with Haldir, and my smile faded as quickly as it had appeared as I chastised myself for allowing my feelings to show. "I don't mind; I can understand why you would be so curious. Lothlórien is not my home, as I recall telling you when we first met, yet I have grown very fond of it."

"I have been here less than a month and already I feel at home beneath the branches of the Mallorn trees," Legolas said, glancing up at the golden canopy above us. "Though I am elf-kind, and I already have a love of trees that runs deep," he added, lowering his gaze again, a soft smile on his lips.

We descended the rest of the stairs in silence, our footsteps quiet until we stepped onto the crisp morning grass, the thin covering of frost crinkling beneath our feet. Legolas had taken a right at the bottom of the stairs and was headed for the Fellowship's pavilion, so I decided to tag along, knowing that if they had any important business to attend to, Legolas would let me know.

You've got some urgent business of your own that you need to take care of. I bit my bottom lip as I followed Legolas. With just over a week until we were to depart, I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to be able to tell them.

"Legolas," I said suddenly, reaching out to lay a hand on his upper arm. He stopped and I quickly removed my hand, regretting my actions. I gaped slightly as he turned to look at me, eyebrow raised curiously.

I had never been a very impulsive person. Every single one of my actions was well thought-out and all of the possible scenarios were weighed in my head beforehand. Middle Earth had changed me in that sense, and I didn't like it one bit. Now I stood in front of Legolas, my mind reeling as I realised that now was my chance. Split seconds felt like hours as I hoped that time wasn't actually moving as slowly as I thought it was.

"I have a problem," I finally said, rubbing my wrist nervously. "And I was hoping that you could help me."

Legolas' forehead creased at my words, and I hoped that he didn't mind that I was asking for his help. I had only known him for a couple of weeks, and I didn't want him to feel like I was taking advantage of him, but I was going to need to ask this favour of him.

"Of course. I will do what I can," he replied wholeheartedly. I smiled slightly in relief, before pursing my lips again nervously. "But you must tell me what it is that you need help with," he added, the corners of his mouth lifting in a small smile.

There's something that I need to tell you. Tell the Fellowship… I'm not sure how I'm going to tell the Fellowship this, and I'm asking for your help… I've been thinking about what to say to you all and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it… Words ran through my head as I fiddled with my fingers.

"It has been suggested that I leave Lothlórien with the Fellowship," I finally squeaked out bluntly. When Legolas said nothing in response, I raised my eyes to his, fearing the worst. The reaction that I was most afraid of seeing on his face was amused disbelief. As much as I had doubted myself, the last thing that I wanted was to be doubted by my comrades.

I was relieved to see that Legolas was straight-faced when I lifted my gaze. In my book, that was better than a smirk, or a concerned smile.

"The Lady Galadriel has suggested this to you?" he asked, almost incredulously. I nodded my head, still somewhat in disbelief that I had managed to get the words out.

"It was not a decision that I made lightly," I said quickly, shifting my gaze back down to my feet. "I have spent many hours practicing my skills with a bow, and have also learned some hand-to-hand skill. I do not want to leave Caras Galadhon. I am afraid, for I know that the quest you have embarked upon is by no means safe."

"You know of our quest?"

I looked up as Legolas interrupted my spiel. "Yes."

"Then you know that this quest will most certainly cost you your life."

Whoa. Way to put it gently. I nodded my head again, holding his gaze. I was scared shitless, I will not lie. This was single-handedly one of the most intimidating moments of my life. Legolas had seen me shoot and had even told me that he was pretty impressed, but I knew that I had more to prove now than the fact that I could hit a stationary target in a field, and I willed myself not to drop his gaze.

"I know."

"You wish for me to offer you support when you tell my companions," Legolas said after a short silence, a small smile playing on his lips.

"If it not any trouble," I replied with a sheepish smile of my own. Legolas surveyed me for a moment, his expression thoughtful, before nodding.

"All right. If this is indeed the will of the Lady, then I have no right to argue. I will see to it that the rest of the Fellowship accepts your offer."

I could have hugged him, but instead I opted to simply breath a huge sigh of relief. I still had to tell the rest of the Fellowship, but the fact that Legolas knew and supported my decision was enough to give me the boost that I knew I was going to need.

"Thank you," I said, realising that my legs had turned to jelly. Shaking off my nerves the best that I can, I lifted my chin, turning to look past the elf at the white pavilion across the lawn.

"Do not fret. They cannot turn down your request so long as they know that it is Galadriel's wish," Legolas said as we turned and continued on our way towards the campsite. I swallowed, knowing that he was right.

"I'm not afraid of being denied the right to accompany you all. I'm simply worried of being ridiculed," I said quietly, feeling the colour rise to my cheeks. Legolas gave me a quick pat on the shoulder before we emerged from the trees.

On the other side of the lawn, we were greeted by Aragorn, who gave us each a friendly nod of welcome. The hobbits, for once, were nowhere to be found, and I assumed they were still sleeping. Gimli gave a nod as well, and Boromir lifted his pipe as Legolas and I each took a seat around the fire.

None of us were particularly talkative, as per usual, and I was okay with that. Despite the fact that the suspense was making me nervous, I was going over what exactly I was going to say to them. I wanted to sound as confident as possible when I made the announcement. The last thing that I wanted to come across as was unsure of my decision, for this was surely not a choice that was to be made lightly.

As the fire crackled and I watched the embers flicker from red to orange, I heard the flaps of the tent ruffle and looked over to see Merry emerge.

"Miss Christa," the hobbit grinned drowsily as he let the tent flap fall behind him.

"Good morning," I smiled in reply as the other three halflings followed behind him, each yawning and stretching. They each took a seat around the fire, Merry and Pippin on either side of me. Sam has been waved back towards a seat at Aragorn's insistence, who offered to make breakfast.

As the smell of eggs and ham wafted through the small campsite, I glanced towards Legolas, who met my gaze with a reassuring smile. I swallowed the knot that had risen in my throat and continued to stare into the fire as I tried to convince myself that now was the time.

"Now that everyone is awake, I have something important that I would like to share with you all," I said suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence that had settled upon the camp. Heads turned my way and I cleared my throat nervously before smiling awkwardly. I saw Legolas nod encouragingly out of the corner of my eyes and gathered up the courage to speak.

"I am to travel with you all when you depart Lothlórien."

My announcement was met with raised eyebrows and surprised stares. I shifted uncomfortably on the log, waiting for one of them to speak up.

"You will be joining the Fellowship?"

I was surprised to hear Gimli speak up first, and I nodded as confidently as I could. "It is the recommendation of the Lady Galadriel," I explained, hoping that he wouldn't need anymore convincing. The dwarf gave a nod.

"Are you sure that you are adequately prepared for such a venture?" Boromir was the next to speak up, and I turned to him and met his gaze, for the first time actually feeling confident in myself.

"I believe that I am. I have trained hard during my time with the elves," I replied with a firm nod.

"I take it then, that you have a certain degree of understanding as to what this quest entitles," Aragorn questioned me, speaking up for the first time in a while. He had appeared to have been lost in his own thoughts for the better part of the morning.

"The Lady has told me all that I need to know," I lied. I already knew everything that I needed to know, and then some, and Galadriel had known that. She didn't need to fill me in on anything.

"I know that this quest in dangerous, you do not need to remind me," I added, knowing that someone was bound to mention the very obvious fact that I might not make it out alive.

"I can vouch for Christa's abilities," Legolas said seriously after I had finished talking. I turned to him and smiled my thanks before he continued. "She has some skill with a bow. I do not know her well, though I feel that she has just as much cause to join us on this quest as the rest of us."

Legolas' words were met with silence, and I turned my eyes back to the fire again. After a few moments, Pippin piped up.

"Miss Christa will be coming with us?" he said, clearly surprised at the news. I looked up at Aragorn, knowing that he was acting as the leader of the company.

"Very well," he said after a short pause. "Though I cannot stress enough that this will be no easy journey." I smiled in relief and nodded in understanding.

"I promise that I will not be a burden," I said, hoping that I would be able to stay true to my word.

At Aragorn's words, Merry and Pippin both grabbed a hold of my arms and squeezed them excitedly. I couldn't help but smile and laugh lightly at their glee. I smiled determinedly across the fire at Aragorn, who gave me a tired smile of his own.

"Welcome to the Fellowship, Christa."

So it's finally official, Christa's now a member of the Fellowship of the Ring. This next chapter is going to be a huge one, I'm so excited to get to work on it that I'm actually going to start right away! I hope that you enjoyed this chapter, please let me know what you thought of it. If I've gotten any new readers, or if you haven't left a review in a while please leave me one, even just a short one, and tell me what you think! I'll answer every review, so long as you have an account and have your PMs enabled! I LOVE hearing from my readers.

Sorry for the wait for this chapter! Since I'm currently on a study break from University, I thought that I would have loads of time for writing but instead I've just gotten tied-up in doing other things! The next chapter will be up as soon as I can finish it.

Also, don't forget to check out the Tumblr at Waking-Dreams-Fanfic!

-Eru