A/N: And now….the moment you have all been waiting for! Again, a bit left of canon...but hopefully worth it. Enjoy!
Miranda was silent on the way back to the shuttle. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but she had regained some of her composure it seemed. It also seemed she was completely disinclined toward speaking, and Shepard didn't push.
Hawthorne had piloted them down, and was waiting when they returned. Miranda went to speak to him as Shepard climbed in the back and sat down. Gingerly peeling off her left glove she regarded her healing hand a moment, lightly flexing it. It ached a bit but there was no numbness or swelling. Rubbing at it idly, she glanced up as Miranda entered and took her seat, the shuttle starting to power up.
"We good?" Shepard asked, eyeing the woman slightly.
"Not just yet, Shepard," Miranda replied slowly, meeting her eyes. "But we will be soon."
"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, setting her gloves aside and regarding her XO. "You seemed to be having a pleasant conversation with your sister. She didn't look upset…bit shocked, but not upset."
"She was…happy to see me," Miranda replied, as if it still surprised her. "I never thought I'd get the chance to just…sit down and talk with her. She's very smart, really funny…well-adjusted."
"Well, that's good," Shepard prodded slightly. "You gonna keep in touch with her?"
"I don't know. Probably. For once I haven't thought that far ahead. I…Shepard, I know I'm not the warmest of women and I'm hard to get along with-"
"You're fine, Miranda," Shepard replied. "You've learned to be guarded. So have I. I hardly have the right to judge someone else on their psychological eccentricities. You're smart, you do good work. Believe it or not, I am glad to have you on my crew."
"No one's ever done for me what you have," Miranda murmured. "Besides Niket I've never really had any friends. All that time I spent researching you inside and out and I find I really don't know you at all. I never dreamed you'd help me but you did more than that. If it weren't for you I'd never have gone up and spoken to her. She might have gone her whole life never knowing she had a sister. I…Shepard, I'm Cerberus. I'm not ashamed of it, but…"
Brows knitting, Shepard shook her head. "It's fine. We can't all be perfect," she teased.
"No, it's not fine," Miranda said with enough vehemence to make Shepard sit back and blink a little. "You don't understand."
"Then tell me, Miranda. Help me understand."
Miranda almost seemed to physically struggle a moment, blinking rapidly as she looked to the side, yet unable to halt her eyes dampening. Wiping at them before real tears could form and fall, she took a deep breath, then looked back at Shepard.
"That message you were sent from Dr. T'Soni was a fake," she stated as quickly and firmly as she could.
Shepard was silent, her brown eyes measuring but the emotion behind them inscrutable. When she said nothing (nor, thank God, did she reach for a weapon), Miranda continued, speaking hurriedly as if afraid she'd lose her nerve.
"I'm Cerberus. For years I've never even remotely questioned it. I still don't, not really. I know how we look to the rest of the galaxy but we do have humanity's best interests in mind. The Illusive Man…I've never disagreed with his decisions, never questioned his motivations. I could always understand them, see the bigger picture. I suppose I can still see his point of view in this as well but I haven't…I can't agree with it. I think he's making a mistake."
Silence.
Miranda sat back a little, rubbing her hands together as she looked at her commander under wrinkled brows. She looked like a child confessing she was the one that had broken the cookie jar, anticipating harsh punishment.
"He thought…well, we both did…because of your anti-social…well, because of your past…your psychological profile…well, it was logical to conclude…" She sighed in frustration. "We thought T'Soni was just a lark. One of those things, you know? We thought if she was around she would only distract you from the mission, and it was too important for such a distraction. But I was wrong. I saw that almost right away, realized she wasn't just some fling and I knew…I knew that to keep you two apart would be the distraction, that you wouldn't stop until you found her, at least made sure she was safe. I tried to explain this to him but he wouldn't listen. He insisted this would pass. That once you had some kind of closure from T'Soni's own mouth that you'd forget her, devote yourself to the mission. He's wrong, Shepard. That message he sent you was wrong."
When Shepard still said nothing, the tension finally got to Miranda. "Say something, damn it!"
Shepard lifted a brow, her face stone. "I know the message is fake," she stated. "I knew it from the moment I watched it."
That surprised the other woman. She straightened, eyes wide. "You…knew? The whole time?"
"Yeah," Shepard replied. "I mean, give me some fucking credit, Miranda. A commissioned guitar doesn't just make itself in five minutes. It takes months, especially since there's hardly an artisan left alive that knows how to make an actual stringed model. I knew just from that Liara had to know I was alive for months before I even woke up. In the message she talked as if she'd just found out. Besides, you meld with an asari a few times and then have someone try and pass off even a clever copy. Doesn't work."
"But…you didn't say anything."
"Of course not! Do you think I wanted the Illusive Man to decide to take more drastic measures to keep us apart? Measures involving Liara and assassins?"
Her eyes reflected disbelief and horror. "He wouldn't do that-"
"Wouldn't he?" Shepard snorted. "I'm not so fucking convinced. At any rate…why are you telling me this all now? Won't he be pissed you let the cat out of the bag?"
"I'm telling you because…because I believe it's the right thing to do," Miranda replied. "Because I think if you're going to get us through this mission alive, if you want even a chance at stopping the Reapers, then you need to see her, talk to her, or else half your mind is going to be on her…or are you going to tell me you really stopped looking for her?"
Shepard's glare told her all she needed to know.
"That's what I thought. You're a good commander, Shepard, and you have many talents, but acting is not one of them. You were far too cheerful."
"Kasumi would argue my acting skills," Shepard retorted, referring to the recent fiasco that had been Alison Gunn's Night at Donovan Hock's Place.
"That was different. It was for survival purposes and you managed to fool someone who didn't know you. Anyone who's spent longer than a day in your company should know better. I can take you angry, Shepard. You cheerful scares the shit out of me."
"So you're telling me all this just because it's the right thing to do?" Shepard murmured.
"No…well, yes…yes, and no. It is the right thing to do, and I hope the Illusive Man will see and understand that. But I also…words cannot express how grateful I am to you for what you did for Orianna….for me. This is the only thing I can offer as thanks, the only thing that comes even close to making up for your help."
Shepard sat forward, eyes sparking. "So you're going to tell me where Liara is?"
"No," Miranda replied even as the shuttle lowered and landed. "There's no need to tell you where she is. I've taken you to her."
"I cannot help it if it is not as you thought. I have provided the facts, not your emotional speculations. Facts. Tefla has no connection to the men who shook down your employees. I do not care how much you hate him, it remains that he was not involved in any way, not even behind the scenes."
The gold afternoon light shone brightly through two of the three floor to ceiling windows, casting halos around the tall buildings on the street below. The third window, the centermost, had been opaqued so that the strong angle of light would not interfere in the holographic image standing before her.
"No! I'm not paying for this made up bullshit," the human man shimmering there retorted. "I know Tefla was involved! He's paying you off, isn't he? He-"
Liara's sky blue eyes narrowed, but as always she felt a faint little tremor in her gut. Over the years it had gotten easier, but it never really went away. She couldn't afford to be soft, couldn't afford to back down. Her mother never would have backed down.
Shepard never backed down from a goddamn thing.
"Let me put it this way," she said as stonily as she was able. "I have contacts with several asari commandos. When I'm unhappy, they're unhappy. Have you faced an asari commando unit before? Most humans haven't."
"I…I don't think that's necessary…"
"Then let me make it simple. Either you pay me, or I will flay you alive…with my mind."
With an irritated jab of her finger, she cut the call and the holograph faded away. Pinching the bridge of her nose, Liara closed her eyes and lowered her head.
She didn't know how much longer she could do this. She was exhausted, and not just because she had slept very little the last few nights. Her emotions had been steadily frayed over the last two years and she feared they were reaching their breaking point.
No. I will do whatever it takes. I will not give up. Shepard would never give up.
The thought of Shepard tightened her chest again, and some part inside started to weep when she realized she could actually smell the woman's cigars…like leaves in autumn, burning under an ice cold sky.
You have to get hold of yourself, you have to get some sleep. You're losing it, T'Soni-
She turned around and literally jolted with surprise. She fancied she felt her heart actually stop beating for a moment as she stared.
Shepard was sitting in the guest chair at her desk, boots propped up on the wood and her hands threaded behind her head as she leaned back. A freshly lit cigar was smoldering between her teeth.
It was a hallucination, a delusion, it had to be! Then the delusion moved one hand and plucked the stogie out from between its lips, a twin trail of smoke streaming from its nostrils as the boots dropped to the ground, the form sitting forward.
"Threatening to flay a man alive…kind of hard-core for you, isn't it T'Soni?" Shepard asked. It was the voice that did it, that solidified the realization that Shepard was actually there. Liara felt her heart restart with thunder. The name was on the tip of her tongue but she didn't seem to be able to expel the breath for it, actually speak the word. When she finally could, it escaped as little more than a gasped whisper.
"Shepard…"
It was impossible to say which one of them moved first. It probably didn't matter. Even as Liara rushed forward Shepard rose, dropping her cigar onto the edge of the plate Liara had used for a late lunch an hour or so before, and hadn't yet cleared away.
The overwhelming relief was so strong it was almost a physical pain as Liara surged into those arms again. The familiar smells, the familiar warmth, jolted her physically and threatened to completely overwhelm her a moment.
Grasping Shepard's face in her hands she kissed her desperately, her eyes heating with tears. How often had she dreamt of this since rushing to that lifeboat and seeing only Joker emerge? In her dreams, touch faded away, sensation was lost, as if she embraced a ghost, a vapor. Here, it was solid and real, each taste and sensation affirming that this was no dream. This was her Del, back and strong and alive.
She could almost feel the ragged edges of her soul, torn for so long, grow together and heal…before a shadow fell over everything.
…you know what I'm telling you is the truth. You are a distraction. If Shepard is concerned with or distracted by you I guarantee she will not succeed against the Reapers or their agents. They are far too dangerous to risk anything but her utmost concentration. Need I remind you of the injury she sustained on Noveria? She put her back on an incredibly dangerous adversary because she thought you were in danger…and she nearly got herself killed because of it. Remember Feros? She risked herself again over concern for you. And far more recently, she died because of you.
She died because of you.
I am sorry, doctor. But if you care about Shepard…if you love her, then you know I am right. She is the only chance we have to stop the Reapers. Trillions of lives, billions of worlds, all rest in her hands. She cannot afford to be distracted for any reason, not if anyone is going to stand a chance against them. Shepard cares for you, I won't lie. She has a small measure of affection for you but I am not entirely sure it is to the depth that you imagine. Honestly, she hasn't even asked about you yet, she was more concerned with contacting the Alliance. That aside, she is extremely upset and confused. Everything in her life has been changed, torn away. Her career, her ship and crew, and now Nancy…
She died because of you.
As the kiss broke, Liara could feel her breath almost shuddering, could feel that healing rent in her soul grow ragged once again. When Shepard whispered that name in her ear, it only made it feel that much more raw.
"Tianlán…"
"H-how did you find me?" Liara whispered. Shepard drew back only a little, looking over her shoulder toward the reception area. The door was open, and through it Liara could see Miranda Lawson lingering near Nyxeris's desk, studying a painting on the wall.
"Lawson?" Liara asked in surprise. Shepard blinked at her.
"You know her?"
Internally, Liara winced. Miranda hadn't told her then, about their prior meetings and Liara's involvement in retrieving her body. Shepard didn't know she was the reason Cerberus had taken claim to her. She would hate her.
"I…yes. I…am an information broker, Shepard. I know about…about you and Cerberus…" Liara admitted. Drawing back a step, then another, she turned and retreated to safety behind her desk, trying to get her spinning head into order.
"Tianlán? What's the matter?" Shepard asked, watching her. "What's going on? How did you find out about Miranda, about Cerberus?"
"It is…it is a long and complicated story…"
Shepard folded her arms, that no-nonsense set coming to her face as she looked sternly at the asari. "I got time."
Steeling herself as best she could, doing her utmost to put on the same confident face she had adopted for her clientele, Liara forced herself to meet Shepard's eyes. "A lot has changed, Shepard. Why…why are you here?"
The human woman looked at her with a baffled expression. "I'm here looking for you," she said. "No one would tell me where you were, if you were all right. They kept telling me you were working for the Shadow Broker, that he had you hidden-"
"I do not work for the Shadow Broker!"
"I know, I found that out. I wanted to make sure you were all right, that you weren't in any danger or trouble."
Liara's hands were shaking. She placed them palm down on the surface of her desk to hide their motion. "I am fine, Shepard," she said firmly. "You have seen that now. I really do have a lot of work to do, as I'm sure you do as well-"
"Hold the fuck on…are you giving me the brush-off?" Shepard demanded. Anyone else would have seen her expression as pure anger…but no one knew her as Liara did. The asari could see the hurt beneath the façade and it nearly shattered her resolve.
"You…you have been gone for two years," Liara replied, struggling to maintain. "Things…things have changed. So much has changed-"
"Is it Feron?" Shepard asked. Liara blinked in surprise.
"You…know about Feron?"
Shepard's face changed to stone and suddenly it seemed as if they were thousands of miles apart…light years away from each other once again.
"Yeah," Shepard murmured. "I'm sorry to have bothered you, Liara. I just wanted to make sure you were all right. I can see that you are. I also wanted to say that I was sorry. I never meant to cause you the pain that you've suffered. If I could take it back…I would. So…I'm sorry. I won't…I won't bother you again."
Turning, Shepard strode for the office door. Liara abruptly rose and started after her, one hand outstretched, before she forced herself to stop.
"Shepard…" she whispered, far too softly for the other woman to hear, feeling as if the woman were dying all over again right in front of her…and she had been the one to cause it. As the door slid shut, leaving her alone Liara covered her mouth, her tear-filled eyes shifting to the still burning cigar left forgotten on her lunch plate as she struggled back the sobs.
Miranda glanced away from the painting, half turning toward her as Shepard strode out of the office. The expression on her face might as well have been carved from granite, and Miranda could feel her stomach sink at the sight of it.
"Commander-" she began, stepping forward, only to jerk to a halt as venom-filled dark eyes snapped to her.
"Don't you fucking come near me, Lawson," Shepard snarled, her tone ice-cold murder.
As she strode off down the stairs Miranda stared after her, then looked toward the office door.
No, this is wrong. This is…this is all wrong.
Walking into the office without bothering to knock, Miranda frowned toward the asari woman who stood with her back to her. "What was that all about?" she demanded.
Liara half-turned toward her, tearful misery on her face. "Why did you bring her here?" she asked. "Why torture us both?"
"Torture?" Miranda snapped, folding her arms. "I brought her here because she hasn't stopped looking for you since the moment she opened her eyes. I brought her here because she loves you. Just what did you say to her?"
"I cannot…you cannot do this to me, Miranda," Liara said, her voice trembling with a mix of grief and anger. "To…to us. I cannot watch her die again because of me-"
"Because of you?" Miranda gaped.
"I am a distraction! If it had not been for me delaying her in Armament on the Normandy, she could have gotten to Joker sooner, could have gotten out in time. But she didn't, because she was worried about me. She is…she is better without me. The work she must do is far too important. She has to save Nan, her people…stop the Reapers, defend an entire galaxy! Who am I to interfere with that?"
"That's the Illusive Man talking," Miranda replied sternly. For the first time in her life, she felt genuine fury at her boss and the pain he was causing.
Liara's face tightened and she shook her head. "Truth is truth. She has her galaxy to save. And I…if I do nothing else, I will stop the Shadow Broker. I will make him pay for what he did to her, and to Feron…to so many others. Shepard understands that-"
"What? No she doesn't."
"Of course she does! Shepard would go to any length to help someone in trouble. She understands why I have to help Feron."
"She doesn't even know who Feron is, Liara."
"Yes, she does! She brought up his name, not a moment before she walked out that door-"
"Because that's all she knows! A name, and the fact he's a drell. For pity's sake, doctor! She thinks you're in love with him."
Liara paled, one hand drifting down to steady herself against the desk. "What?"
"She thinks you're in love with him," Miranda repeated. "She doesn't know what you did to bring her back, doesn't know how you were involved, or anything about how Feron helped you. She thinks he's just someone you met after she died, someone you fell in love with."
"Goddess," Liara gasped. Swallowing she looked up at the human woman again. "Why…why are you telling me all this? Why…why does any of this matter to you?"
"Because Shepard doesn't deserve this," Miranda replied, taking even herself by surprise. Sighing wearily, she shook her head. "When all this began, it was just another job, a project. I put my all into it because that's what I do, but that's all it was. Shepard was just a tool to be repaired, a weapon to be aimed, something to be used to stop the threat to humanity and the galaxy. But I've seen her since she first woke up, Liara. I've watched her, fought beside her."
She shook her head. "The things she's gone through in the short amount of time she's been awake…it's unbelievable. The sacrifices she's willing to make, the pain she's willing to tolerate and the lengths she'll go to are…inhuman. I've watched her suffer, but she endures it and pushes on because she knows she's fighting for something greater than herself. I gave her no reason to like me. Hell, I represent Cerberus and I don't need to tell you how she feels about the organization. She considers us all terrorists. But even so, when I needed her…desperately needed her…she was there."
Her jaw tightening, she shook her head again. "With all that she suffers and sacrifices, Liara, she's got one happiness. And it isn't getting drunk, it isn't smoking or playing the guitar or beating batarians to a pulp. It's you. And losing you will destroy her, I guarantee it. You are not a distraction, you are the only thing that is holding that woman together."
"I…" Liara wiped at her streaming cheeks with shaking fingers. "I want to believe you, Miranda…I do, but…"
"Then don't believe me," Miranda urged. "Believe her. I will tell her everything I know. How you fought to get her body back, why you gave her to us, Feron, everything. I will tell her the Illusive Man lied to you as much as he lied to her. You know the moment that Shepard finds out what you're trying to do, that you're trying to stop the Shadow Broker and rescue Feron, she will do everything she can to help you. Let her. If any of us are ever going to have a chance, we need her…so you need to let her."
Shepard didn't wait for Miranda, but ordered Hawthorne to take her back to the Normandy. Even had she not been his commanding officer, seeing the look on her face made him fearful for his life, and he didn't offer the slightest sound of protest.
Once she was back on board, he departed down to the surface again to retrieve the XO. As Miranda stepped into the cargo bay Jacob moved in, concern on his face.
"What the hell happened down there, Miranda," he asked. "Your sister ok?"
"She's fine," she said. "I…can't really talk about it right now. Where did Shepard go?"
"Her room, I think," he said. "She looked…it wasn't pretty. What happened?"
"Later," she promised, and stepped into the lift. She didn't head immediately up for the Nest but instead returned to her own office, lighting her consoles and pinging her contacts in Intelligence.
"I want everything we have on the Shadow Broker," she demanded. "Scour our entire network if you have to. I want every intercepted communication, every hint of a location, known double-agents, everything."
{This is a large and rather unusual request,} Intel replied back. {Has it been cleared?}
"I'm clearing it, damn it. Now do it."
Knowing it would take a few hours, at the very least, Miranda headed back for the lift, this time selecting the Crow's Nest. There was no telling what state Shepard would be in, but she was determined to make this right.
Draped over her knees, her newly-healed hand was already darkening with bruises over the split knuckles, blood having run down her fingers. She didn't think she'd actually broken any bones slamming her fist over and over again into the metal wall, but it didn't matter. The pain was hot and real, and it was something else to feel besides misery.
Shepard sat on the floor beside her bed, her good hand covering her eyes as she sobbed in rapid, grit-toothed exhalations of breath. Every moment of pain in her entire life seemed to have moved its way into her throat, threatening to choke her.
Walking in to that office, seeing her Tianlán standing there, Shepard had felt like her life had finally come together again. The Normandy, two years gone, Cerberus, the flashbacks, tearing her hand apart…none of that mattered. She had found her, found the only peace, the only color that existed in the gray of her life.
She had found her Sky Blue.
So long as Liara was safe, so long as she was happy, Shepard could conquer anything, endure anything, defeat all the galaxy had to throw at her.
Or so she had thought.
Liara was safe. She was happy with another love. So why was the galaxy just gray again? Why did Shepard feel nothing but weak, helpless, consumed with nothing but mindless grief?
She heard her door call sound but ignored it. She didn't care who it was or what they wanted.
A moment later she heard the door open, footsteps. There was a pause as her unwanted guest no doubt looked around, thinking the room empty at first. Shepard made no move to draw attention to herself or reveal her location. Maybe they'd just go away.
They didn't. She was seen, and the footsteps headed her way before stopping. Someone eased down to sit beside her.
Shepard remained as she sat, face-down with her arms draped around her knees.
It's probably Kelly, or Miranda, she thought tiredly. The actual tears had stopped but her head hurt, her entire face felt stopped up.
"She's not in love with Feron," the voice that rose a moment later confirmed the newcomer's identity.
When Shepard said nothing, Miranda continued.
"When you died we moved immediately to try and retrieve your body. Agents of the Shadow Broker reached it first, as I've told you. They intended to sell you to the Collectors. The deal very nearly went down but it wasn't stopped by me or Jacob or anyone else with Cerberus. It was stopped by Liara…with the help of a drell named Feron."
Miranda leaned her head back on the mattress, looking up toward the ceiling as she spoke. "He was a double-agent. Working for us and for the Broker. There were…entanglements, misunderstandings. Details aren't important, really. In the end, he sacrificed himself so that Liara could save you. The Shadow Broker's agents captured him, and given the level of fury the Broker had at his deal being thwarted, I doubt he had any kindness waiting for Feron.
"We couldn't have retrieved you without them. In the end, Liara gave you to us, knowing that you might wake up hating her for it…just on the off-chance that we could bring you back. And ever since then, she's spent her every waking moment following your example."
Shepard finally lifted her head a little, turning it enough to look at Miranda out of the corner of her red-rimmed eye. "My example?" she asked, her voice muffled still by her arms and knees.
Miranda lifted her head and looked at her. "Shepard, what would you do if a friend of yours was in trouble? Especially if they'd gotten themselves in trouble to protect you? You'd move heaven and earth to make it right, to get them back. I know. I've seen it. You knew Kasumi Goto two days and you were risking your life so she could get back memories of a murdered man that she loved. You had absolutely no reason to help me but you did, you fought mercs to help make sure my sister was safe. And Liara's seen more than I have. Chasing after Saren, never giving up no matter what fire was thrown your way…even when no one would help, no one would believe you.
"The Shadow Broker was going to steal you away, turn your body over to the Collectors. He took her friend…she doesn't even know if he's still alive, but she keeps trying, keeps fighting because it's all she has to cling too, and because you taught her to never give up."
"So this is what?" Shepard asked wearily. "A pep talk? Never give up, Shep…you'll get over it, you're a hero?"
"No, this is me making sure you don't make the biggest mistake of your life. That girl loves you, Shepard. And you love her. Right now she's telling herself that you're better off without her, that you won't be able to do what you need to do if she's in your way. She's terrified that you'll die again because of her."
"It wasn't because of her!"
"I know that, and so do you, but she thinks it is. Or did you think the Illusive Man was only working one half of the equation in keeping the two of you apart?"
When Shepard' s eyes narrowed angrily Miranda shook her head. "It was a mistake, Shepard. A cruel one, but one made for the best of reasons. He was wrong, I won't argue that…but he made that mistake for the greater good, or so he sees it. You two are going to prove him wrong, and when you do, he'll be the first to admit that mistake, but right now what's done isn't important. It's what needs doing.
"I'm not saying that two years of pain and loss and grieving are just going to vanish," she concluded. "I'm not saying this is going to be some fairytale romantic ending, that when all this is over you two aren't going to just go your separate ways. But I saw that kiss. That was love. The look on her face when she realized you were there, the way you looked at her…that was love. And that deserves a chance."
Getting to her feet, Miranda looked down at the commander, before offering her hand. "At the very least, she needs your help, Shepard. I and this crew, we are at your command. So let's go and help her."