Chapter 8

The next few weeks were hazy for Nick. He went through the motions at the wake, the funeral, and the memorial service. Mandy was by his side as much as she could be. She made sure he ate meals, showered regularly, and sleep as much as he could, most things usually done without a second thought. She took care of him when he woke up in the middle of the night unable to get Warrick's bleeding body out of his mind. It seemed that the Brad incident was so far away now, he wasn't worried about her; she was worried about him. Nick felt like his dreams were all about death and destruction. Everyone he loved seemed to get hurt. He was a bad luck charm.

"I think you need to talk to the department psychologist," Mandy finally said to him one night at work. They were sitting in the break room both unable to focus. They had been up half the night/day trying to work out his demons. She felt that she was out of her league with this stuff, and she was feeling more and more helpless. She knew Nick need professional guidance.

"I know. They have someone here for that. Will you talk to them too?" Nick asked.

"I did already," Mandy said shrugging. She had talked to the shrink hoping to get help with Nick's catatonic state. He looked at her surprised. He was in such a self-absorbed state, that he must have missed this; part of him was ashamed that he didn't notice.

"I meant with me," he said to her, "I don't want to go alone."

"I will if you want me to," Mandy told him supportively.
"OK" he said.

"I'll make the appointment" Mandy said taking the initiative, "But right now, I've got to get back. I'll see you later." She got up and gave him a kiss before going back to her lab. She was relieved that he took the request so well. He needed help, help that she couldn't give him.

Their first appointment was set, and Mandy practically had to drag Nick into the room. He kept claiming he had stuff check on in the evidence locker. She finally got him into the room and they sat down across from Dr. Alwick. She looked at the two of them curiously; she had only done one-on-ones with the department so far.

"So. Mandy, Nick what brings you here?" the doctor asked the couple in front of her. Nick sat there unable to find any words to say.

"We are having problems dealing with Warrick's death," Mandy said to the doctor knowing how hard it was for Nick, "I am having trouble dealing with it," she added.
"How so? I know this was such a traumatic experience for both of you. Which part is worse? The loss of Warrick, or is it something more?"
"I feel the loss of Warrick hurts the most, but I also think about Eli growing up without his father. I think about Nick too," Mandy answered. Nick looked at her surprised.
"What do you mean you think about Nick?" Dr. Alwick asked.
"I think about the fact that Nick could have been in Warrick's situation. It could happen to him, and I'm not ready to lose him yet. I know Sara wasn't ready to lose Warrick. I have no idea how I would deal with her loss."
"I'm not going anywhere, Mandy," Nick spoke up for the first time. "I am not going anywhere," he repeated looking at her, his eyes focused on hers.
"I know, but right now you aren't even here," she told to him, without any prompts from Dr. Alwick.
"What do you mean? I'm right here," he answered.
"No you aren't. You are in such a haze. I don't blame you, but I miss the Nick who I feel in love with, the one that I moved in with, the fun loving Nick. I know this sounds so selfish, and I'm sorry," Mandy said starting to cry, "I feel like I'm losing you. And I feel helpless. I don't know what to do. I am trying to help, but I don't know if I'm helping or hurting. You seem so despondent."
Nick began rubbing his eyes, after tears began to fill them. He had been caught up in his own grief, his own selfish thoughts, that he really neglected her. He felt sick to his stomach.
"Thank you Mandy" Dr. Alwick said, "Nick, how does that make you feel?"
"I'm… I'm… I just feel so sad. I'm so sad that I'm causing this pain; I'm so sad because I miss Warrick, I miss it all… I just don't get why this had to happen," Nick said as tears began to pour down faster.
"Is there anything else that you can tell me? What else you are feeling?" Dr. Alwick asked trying to get him to open up more.
"I feel like everyone who I touch, gets hurt. Warrick... Mandy… even Kristy" Nick told her and Mandy shifted uncomfortably, which wasn't missed by Dr. Alwick.
"You are in law enforcement, and you see people on the worst days of their lives. You know you tell them that it isn't their fault. Why are you holding yourself responsible now?"
"I just do" Nick told her.
"Nick, you did not point that gun at Warrick. You did not cause any harm to Mandy. You are saving people everyday. You have to understand, that loss is a part of life." Dr. Alwick looked at him hoping for a little reaction, a little reprieve on his part but got no such reaction. "I'd like to do a little exercise with you two. And I want you guys to do this again, without me. Whenever you are feeling like you are now. I want you to think of things you are thankful for and tell each other what they are."

Nick gave her a skeptical look, this was ridiculous, he thought, this isn't Oprah.

"I know you are doubtful, Mr. Stokes, but I find that making yourself remember the good things really does help. OK? Ms. Webster, do you think you can start?"
"Sure" Mandy said starting to gather her thoughts. She was still a little thrown by the Kristy comment. She had forgotten about her and Nick.
"I'm thankful for… Cary Grant, Wendy's support and my family. I am grateful that I have Nick in my life." She paused before adding, "I'm thankful for that every day." He covered her hand and squeezed it.
"Thank you Mandy. OK, Nick, your turn"
Nick inhaled deeply before speaking, "I'm thankful for Mandy and her support. I know that I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I'm thankful for the team at lab, and my family." He thought more, "I know I've been distant, but I don't want to be distant from you anymore, Mandy I love you and I want to make this work. I am just so scared of losing you."
"I'm right here baby," Mandy told him as she wiped away some of his tears, "I'm really am."
He nodded as he wiped away more tears, "I'm truly grateful that you are." He told her before smiling a little, the first real smile in awhile. She let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you" Mandy said to Dr. Alwick before they left. It felt like a cloud was lifted off of their shoulders, they would continue to see Dr. Alwick, but they were definitely on the right track. She could finally see the old Nick coming back to life. Soon the nightmares began to dissipate, and he started to come out of his haze. He even looked at the house bookmarked on his laptop. He was relieved to find that it was still available. He had stopped checking it the past few months.

Finally after many months Mandy's condo sold. She officially lived at his house and she couldn't be more relieved. The housing market had tanked in Las Vegas, and she was lucky to have wiped her hands clean of the condo. She sat down on the couch they bought together and started reading her favorite book, Pride and Prejudice.
"Uh oh, when should I expect to get your attention back?" Nick asked her as he sat down next to her with a stack of files from work, she proceeded to prop her legs on his lap while he put his papers over her legs.
"Oh I would say a few days, I could practically recite this book."
"I would like to hear it" Nick told her spreading out his papers. Their conversation dissipated while she continued to read, and he reviewed files. He was feeling better than he had in a long time. He kept sneaking looks at her while she read. She was so engrossed in the novel, which made him want to laugh. She looked up from her book to find Nick staring at her.

"What's up?" she asked him, putting down the book.
"Nothing" he said, and she put her nose back in the book. He smiled and continued to stare at her.
"Dude, what's your deal?" she asked behind her book, "You are interrupting my Mr. Darcy time"
"I'm so sorry" he said as he put his files down and scooted his way towards her, finding her neck and kissing it.
"Dude, Mr. Darcy" Mandy said pushing him away laughing.
"Are you really choosing a fictional character instead of your living breathing boyfriend?" Nick asked her incredulously and she giggled.
"I don't know, he is just so smoldering"
"I'm smoldering" Nick told her as he continued to kiss her neck and running his hands over her arms causing her to get goose bumps.
"You are not smoldering. You are a stone cold fox," she told he as she put her book down and began to kiss him back.
"Ah… Mr. Darcy 0, Mr. Stokes 1" Nick told her before having his way with her.

They sat up on the couch pulling a blanket around them.
"I am thinking about creating a scholarship fund for Eli." Nick told her as he ran his hands up and down her arm and kissing her temples.
"That's a great idea. I want to contribute as much as I can," Mandy told him as she snuggled up against him. She was so happy having her Nick back.
"That would be great. I can't believe it's been three months since Warrick died" Nick said sadly. He finally got to the point where he could mention Warrick without choking up.
"I know. Time is fickle." Mandy told him.
"It is. But I'm glad that this time was spent with you" he told her.