A/N: Firstly, sorry for yesterday. Work was a clusterfuck. Today was much better.

Secondly, tonight I will be playing ME3 for the first time...and I have a full three day weekend devoted to nothing but it's awesomesauce goodness. Yes, this means I will not be posting a chapter on Monday, so...sorry bout that too. However in return you will get an extra chapter on Saturday the 17th to make up for it :)

Enjoy!

"Shepard? May I try that?"

Shepard glanced up from refilling her whiskey, lifting her brows at the redhead sitting opposite her. Earlier that morning she had returned on the shuttle from…rather reluctantly…returning Liara to Hagalaz. She had decided to take her back herself rather than rendezvous with Wilcher and the Pale Horse, if only to selfishly delay their parting for a few hours more.

Almost immediately upon re-docking, Kelly had intercepted her and suggested meeting for drinks…which with Kelly always meant she wanted to ply her psychologist trade. Shepard didn't mind so much. She genuinely liked Kelly and the yeoman wasn't patronizing or irritatingly superior like Alliance psychologists were. She didn't think there was a squirt of piss's chance in Hades Gamma the woman would actually 'fix' her, of course…that was probably well beyond the skills of anyone in this sorry galaxy but…well, any meeting where booze was involved was generally aces in Del's book.

At Kelly's question she set the whiskey bottle aside and plucked out the freshly lit cigar in her mouth. "This? You want to try my cigar?"

"I have never smoked before," Kelly admitted. "I am curious."

"You'll never smoke again after, if you try this," Shepard said with amusement, then held it out to her friend. "Go ahead."

Kelly plucked the offered stogie from Shepard's fingers and took a tentative drag. For a single heartbeat nothing happened, then her face turned purple and she began to cough frantically. Shepard laughed, rescuing the smoke before the yeoman could drop it.

"You ok?" she asked. Kelly nodded, still whooping with coughs. Grinning, Shepard tucked the smoke back between her own teeth and took a draw.

Getting her air back, backhanding tears from her eyes, Kelly took a drink of her whiskey, coughed once more, then shook her head. "You're right," she rasped. "I don't think I'm ever going to smoke again."

"Let me pour you a glass of pris para and you'll never fucking drink again either," Shepard grinned with a twinkle in her eye. Kelly shook her head.

"Oh no," she said, waving her hand. "A friend of mine tried that at a bar on Thessia once. I thought they'd have to do CPR on him afterward. I have no problem trying new things but there's a line between curious and suicidal."

Shepard grinned, then kicked back in her chair, draping one leg over the arm of it. Taking a draw she leaned her head back and looped lazy smoke rings toward the ceiling vent, before she looked back at her yeoman. "So," she said. "Gonna ask me about being at the crash site? How I felt revisiting what was more or less the place where I died? Seeing the old crew?"

"I don't have to," Kelly pointed out, then smiled. "You just asked all the questions yourself."

"Then let me give you the answers too. Cold. Disturbing. Bittersweet."

"I heard you reconciled…at least somewhat…with Ashley Williams."

Shepard bobbed her head a little, picking up her glass. "I don't know what Liara said to her. I didn't ask and she didn't offer. I won't argue with the effect it had on Ash, though…"

She smirked wickedly, swirling the whiskey around in the glass. "…or on Liara."

Kelly smiled, sitting back. "I am glad that you went. Closure can be painful but it is necessary. You took a big step toward putting all of that behind you."

"Yeah, I'm wonderful," Shepard said wryly, topping off her glass again. Kelly inclined her head.

"You say that sarcastically. Considering all you have accomplished, you should be saying that as a statement of fact."

Shepard grunted noncommittally. Kelly watched her a moment, then said, "To be honest, what I wanted to discuss was not so much your visit to Alchera, but your eyes."

"My eyes?" Shepard sniffed, confused. "What about them?"

"Commander, you were taken over by another intelligence and rendered blind. I know you well enough to know what you fear, and to be honest…it's not death."

Shepard scowled. "What is it you think I fear?"

"Helplessness," Kelly answered instantly. "Being commandeered, even by a friendly entity…losing your sight…it must have made you feel very helpless."

"My sight is nothing," Shepard replied. "For fuck's sake, less than two hours back on the ship and Miranda had me seeing again with that damn squealer of hers. Few weeks and I'll even have my own eyes back. It's just another injury, nothing to fucking cry over."

"Yes, but for a few hours, you were completely blind," Kelly pressed. "Even knowing it wasn't permanent, you had to rely completely upon others to guide you."

"I relied on Liara," Shepard sniffed. "I trust Liara."

Kelly relented with a faint nod of her head, and a small smile. "It is good to have someone you trust so completely. I talked with Liara a while when she was aboard ship. She is so alluring, very sweet. I can see what draws you to her."

Shepard leaned over the table, ashing her cigar in the tray with a smirk. "Getting designs on my girlfriend, Chambers?"

"Not at all," Kelly replied. "Just appreciation, Shepard."

"Art appreciation," Shepard murmured as she sat back. "Kaidan said that about her once too, shortly after she came aboard the Normandy. I caught him staring at her one day and asked if he had designs on her. That's what he said to me in answer."

"Kaidan Alenko…he was the one that passed away on Virmire, wasn't he?"

Shepard hummed an affirmative, but the expression on her face was stone. Kelly didn't push, simply nodded.

"Well. I am glad you got to spend some time with her. You seem a lot happier when she is around."

"Little fucking ray of sunshine, that's me," Shepard smirked, stumping out the butt of her smoke.

"I mean it, Shepard. Everything about you seems to relax a little. It is a shame she cannot stay on board permanently. I know her work is important and you wish to keep her out of direct harm's way. I hope the mission concludes soon and you are able to spend the time together that you need."

"Yeah," Shepard murmured softly. "Me too."

Finishing the rest of her whiskey, Kelly glanced at the clock, then smiled. "It is getting late. I had best leave you to rest, Commander."

"Good night Kelly," Shepard told her with a nod. After the yeoman had gone, Shepard spent a few minutes regarding the dark amber depths of her whiskey. Already the Normandy seemed so much emptier, hours stretching ahead of her like years.

"Good night, Liara," she murmured softly to the empty room, lifting her glass before she drained the rest of it. "Sweet dreams."

Shepard sipped at her coffee the next morning, glancing over the reports on the data pad Miranda had handed to her and trying to ignore the vaguely pinching headache behind her eyes. She had foolishly finished the rest of the bottle of whiskey last night after Kelly had gone, and while it took a lot to actually make her hung over, her head was letting her know she had flirted a bit too close to the line.

Sensing eyes upon her, she glanced up to see a form disappear behind the bulkhead, vanishing toward the port side observation lounge. She knit her brows, then turned her head to look toward Kasumi, who was seated at one of the far tables with Daniels as the two women enjoyed their breakfast.

Setting her coffee on the counter a moment, she signed off the reports then handed them back to her XO. "Miranda, has Thane come out of his room since Sydney was here?" she asked.

"I…don't recall seeing him," Miranda admitted. "But he rarely came out before then as well. Seems to prefer his own company. Did you still want to have that meeting this morning?"

Shepard nodded. "I want all the specialists up in the conference room in an hour," she said. "Make sure Gabby, Ken, and Joker are there as well, we'll need their input."

Taking up her coffee again, she headed the direction in which she had seen the shadow.

Thane was staying in the small life-support control room. There was rarely ever cause for someone to go in there and he had said he preferred the dry atmosphere. It was the only other room besides Kasumi's in that direction.

The door was shut but not locked. Not truly being crew quarters, there was no chime on the door, and the metal was thick enough that any knock would go unheard within. It was unlocked, so she took a chance, and stepped inside.

Thane was seated just past the softly humming air filtration system, looking outward through a port to the engine core. He didn't turn his head when she came in, but she was not so foolish to believe he didn't hear her.

"Good morning, Commander," he murmured as she neared. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you at your coffee."

"Forget the coffee," Shepard said lightly as she leaned on the corner of the filtration system and looked out the port as well. "Feel free to disturb me whenever Miranda's handed me a bunch of reports. Something on your mind, Thane?"

"A few things," he admitted. "I…your friend left the ship, because of me."

Shepard said nothing, her artificial eyes simply reflecting the light of the drive core. After a moment, the drell continued.

"My actions have caused a lot of pain in my life. Your friend's anger was justified. I never questioned what I was raised and trained to do. It was an honor to be chosen. If I were faced with taking that contract again I could not say whether my choices would be any different. However being faced with one's own mortality lends a unique perspective. I am…a terrible man, Commander."

"Terrible men don't concern themselves with questions of ethics or morality," Shepard told him.

"Even so. I have made choices that have hurt those around me, and not just the friends and families of those I was contracted to eliminate. My own family…"

Shepard finally straightened. Moving over, she sat down across from him, regarding him stoically. His face was strangely serene as he looked at her.

"I had a wife," he told her. "I had..still have, a son. I have not seen him since my wife passed."

"Illness?" Shepard asked softly. "Accident?"

"Murder," he answered. "She was killed to punish me. After she was given to the sea I hunted her killers…much like your friend hunted me."

Shepard lifted a brow. "Sydney hunted you?"

"Yes. For over a year. She is…tenacious."

"You have no idea," Shepard murmured. So, that's where Sydney had vanished to after leaving service. All over Carl?

"Pain and grief cause us to disconnect, to shut ourselves off from others, from our own bodies. Left to their own devices, they do what they will."

"Sydney didn't even like Carl, the guy was a self-involved ass."

"I do not think her quest for vengeance was for him, but for herself," he told her. "That is a conversation you will have to have with her. I cannot speak as to her reasons, only my own."

"You mentioned a son? Where is he?"

"His name is Kolyat. After his mother died and I – left, he was raised by his aunts and uncles. I have not seen him since he was quite small. Last evening a friend contacted me. It seems Kolyat found out the truth about me…what I am, what I do. He was…understandably angry, and has followed a path I did not wish for him."

"What'd he do?"

"He has apparently taken a contract on the Citadel. I…would like your permission to depart the Normandy and go there, see if I can find him."

"Contract…you mean an assassination contract."

"Yes. This is not a road he should be walking. No one knows better than I that only pain and regret await him. Not to mention he is not trained. He could get himself killed. I cannot make up for not being there for him when he was growing up but…I have to do something. He deserves better out of this life."

Shepard silently measured the man a moment, then nodded. "Then we'll go and find him."

The drell blinked. "I…would not ask this of you, Commander. This is my business, my doing. It is my mistake to correct-"

"And you are my crew," Shepard told him. "The more eyes on the ground the faster we'll find him, the more chance we'll have to stop him before he gets himself hurt. The Normandy can be at the Citadel in twenty hours."

The drell, who had always been so calm and collected, even when Sydney was pointing a gun at his face, actually appeared startled. "I…do not know what to say," he murmured.

"You don't have to say anything," Shepard told him.

"Thank you," Thane murmured, his eyes casting down a moment before they looked up at her again. "May I…ask you a question? I understand if it is too personal…"

"Go on."

"I do not leave this room much but I do hear things," he told her. "I understand we visited the site where your original ship had crashed."

Shepard nodded faintly, searching his face. Fuck if the bastard wasn't the hardest person to read. "That's not all you heard," she said after a moment. "You want to ask me about dying, don't you?"

He made a commiserating sound. "It is my understanding that you perished in the same crash. At least some of the crew made it seem so."

"I did," she admitted.

"Religious beliefs vary from species to species and even across them," he said. "I do not know what it is humans believe…what you believe. You…strike me as spiritual but not necessarily religious."

Shepard was surprised. "You think I'm spiritual?"

"You have that aura about you, that feel…I cannot describe it, it is more like an instinct. Forgive me if I'm off base."

"No, you're not…I mean, I'm not religious as you said but…I'm hardly one to claim there's not more out there. Things we don't understand. Fuck, I've seen enough of this goddamn galaxy to know that we know fuck-all."

He nodded faintly, then clasped his hands together in front of his knees. "Do you…remember it? What it was like to die?"

Shepard felt her shoulders tense a little. "I didn't at first…not until recently. Now…I remember far too much about it."

"Were you afraid?"

From anyone else, these questions would have irritated the piss out of her. However Thane…though they were barely acquaintances…was dying himself. Shepard could not blame him for wanting answers, reassurances, or even just the cold stark truth.

A known enemy, however strong and frightening, is always easier to fight than an unknown one.

Perhaps it was the mere fact that she barely knew this man that actually made it easier to talk about. "No…I don't think I was afraid," she admitted after a moment's consideration. "I was really just kind of pissed."

"You were angry?"

"I'm usually angry," she smirked, "but yeah. Angry because I couldn't fight it, couldn't stop it. I thought it was such a silly way to die. No…no blazing guns, no desperate struggle just…me and space. At the very end I felt…better. Calm."

She didn't tell him about hearing Liara's voice. In a million goddamn years, Shepard would never admit that to anyone but Liara.

"And…after?" Thane ventured. Shepard shrugged.

"I don't remember anything after. Not until I woke up on a bio-bed with alarms going off."

A weary shadow seemed to pass over his already dark eyes, his whole figure seeming to droop under some great weight. "So," he said softly. "There is nothing after death…"

Shepard's brows knit. "I didn't say that," she told him sternly.

"You said you-"

"I said I didn't remember. Doesn't mean there wasn't anything there. I don't remember being born, either, but I'm pretty sure that fucking happened."

He studied the floor a moment. "All my life I have believed that there is more beyond this life. I am not my body. I am separate. My consciousness is undying energy, which can neither be created nor destroyed. Looking into that final abyss, however…I suppose it is natural to doubt, to wonder…to fear."

"Of course it is," Shepard told him. "Look, I can tell you this. Whatever is after death…whether it's some grand paradise, returning to a deity or being reborn or even just complete oblivion… whatever it is…it's…all right, somehow."

God, that sounded fucking lame, Shepard thought as she wiped her palms on her knees, then got to her feet. "I'll tell Joker to head us to the Citadel. We'll find your son, ok?"

"Thank you, Commander. I…thank you."

Shepard nodded. "We're having a meeting at 0800 up in the conference room. I would like you to be there."

She waited for his answering nod before she turned and strode out.

A holographic image of the Normandy hovered silently above the center of the conference table as the room slowly filled. When Jack finally came in, she immediately rocked back in her hair, planting a boot on the edge of the table. Miranda gave her a disapproving look, and Jack rubbed the side of her nose with her middle finger and gave the woman a look that all but simmered over with challenge.

Shepard was the last to enter, following in on Joker's heels as the pilot limped over to his spot. The commander didn't sit, but simply stood at the head of the table, regarding the gathered group.

Drell, human, turian, asari, quarian, krogan, salarian…Cerberus and not, male and female, old and young, all eyes were turned silently to her.

"Good morning," she greeted. "I received a report this morning that yet another colony has gone missing. Ferris Fields."

The silence was palpable for a moment, before she continued.

"The Collectors aren't resting and neither are we. We have finished our last recruitment for this endeavor. You are each the best of your field, the most dedicated and talented team of specialists in this galaxy. I am honored to serve with each and every one of you. However, all the skills and experience in this room is not enough to stop our enemy. We also need the best gear, the most cutting-edge technology available. Joker."

"The Normandy SR2 was specced to the original," the helmsman spoke up. "However the Collector's magnetohydrodynamic weaponry cut through both barriers and shielding last time as if they weren't there. The SR2's defenses are only slightly above that…if we are confronted with the Collector ship again they are going to do to this Normandy what they did to the last…and just as easily. We need better armor, better shielding, and we need better weaponry if we're even going to stand a chance."

"Dr. T'Soni has been able to obtain top of the line weapons and armor schematics from dozens of different sources," Shepard continued. "Some ship-based and some for foot-soldiers and personnel. The purpose of this meeting is to go over these schematics and choose the best ones for our purposes. I want everyone's input and suggestions on ways we can ensure that when the time does come for us to take this fight to their doorstep, we have the best chance of walking away. Sydney Rasler and her group Thanatos are standing by ready and willing to put all the upgrades into place. Any questions?"

Silence reigned, and she nodded. Touching the console on the table before her, the holograph of the Normandy vanished, replaced by a different image. "First on the board is the most promising weapons schematic we were able to find. It is turian technology based on the very magnetohydrodynamic weaponry that Sovereign utilized…"

It was well into the afternoon before the meeting finally adjourned, a dozen different ship and armament upgrades having been discarded, and a dozen more already on their way to Hagalaz and the Folly so the proper tools and resources could be amassed to implement them. As the room cleared, Shepard lingered behind, filing through the selected upgrades one more time. It was a moment before she realized someone else hadn't departed, either.

"Something on your mind, Garrus?" she asked. The turian had been terse the whole meeting, speaking only in short sentences, a look on his face like he wanted to kick a varren.

"You said we were en route to the Citadel," he stated, his grey-blue eyes even. She glanced up at him, noticing off hand that his scars from Omega were less red than they had been.

"That's right. We're about due to resupply and there's some business I need to attend to. Why do you ask?"

"Do you remember when I first came aboard, and I told you about Sidonis?"

"One of your men, right? The one that betrayed you?"

"That's him. I've gotten a tip about him. Seems he met someone named Fade on the Citadel. This ass apparently helps people 'disappear'. I'd like permission to look for him once we dock, if that's all right…see what I can't dig up."

Shepard nodded, then folded her arms, her look turning to concern. "What is it you plan to do with Sidonis if you find him?"

"I plan to do to him what he did to the rest of my team…put him in a grave," Garrus replied. "He deserves no less for what he did."

Shepard pursed her lips a little. She considered Garrus a friend, a good friend even. What she was seeing on his face right now disturbed her.

"No," she said at last. He blinked, his expression first stunned, then hardening.

"You won't let me off-ship to go find him?"

"No, I won't let you go off-ship to go find him alone," Shepard told him sternly. "If you're going to do this, Garrus, then you're not going by yourself. Thane has some business I'm helping him with dockside as well. Come with us and when that's finished we'll find your Fade and see if we can't get the information you need, all right?"

"Shepard-"

"This is the only way I'm going to let you do this, Garrus," Shepard said sternly. "Either I go with you or you don't go at all, is that clear?"

He blinked, then straightened, nodding. "Yes, ma'am. Understood."

"All right. Be geared up and ready when we get to dockside then."

As he stepped out, she blew out a breath, lowering her head a little. Vengeance was such a murderous little demon to carry around with you…a demon which seemed to have infected several people aboard this ship. Zaeed was consumed with his vengeance against Vido. Jack wanted her vengeance against Cerberus. Now Garrus was in danger of putting aside his level-headed rationality in a blind quest for revenge as well.

Even Shepard was not immune. She could not pretend that part of what drove her against the Collectors wasn't the desire to inflict sheer, unadulterated retribution upon them for what they'd done…to Nan, if no one else.

"God stay the hand that wields the blade," she murmured to herself. "And cool the fires within our eyes, ere selfsame throats are slit upon the edge that would seek another's blood."

The kid was seventeen or eighteen, gangly and lank. His hair was little more than ill-trimmed scruff, the same color as the ill-trimmed scruff that roughed up his cheeks and chin. Skinny enough that the shoulders of his tunic looked hung from a hanger, his rapidly darting brown eyes seemed to take up his entire face.

"Yeah, I can get it, no problem," the kid said eagerly to into his third-hand headset, pale lips skinning back over yellowed teeth as he punched in the order on the public terminal. "Yeah, an hour…no sweat at all. You got it, my man."

Closing out the communication, still grinning, the boy turned around, only to let out a startled holler and nearly crash back into the wall. Steady black eyes looked into his, and it took a moment for his frantic mind to put a name to the familiar features.

"Kr-Krios?"

"Calm down, Mouse," the drell said softly. The boy stared a moment, before his eyes shifted to the silent woman standing beside him. He licked his lips nervously, holding his hands up, instinctively seeking an avenue of escape. When he saw a turian at the end of the hall, blocking the only route, he started to sniffle. In seconds he had broken down crying completely.

"Please…please don't hurt me," he begged, seeming to speak more to the woman than to the drell. She looked surprised, lifting her brows, but he only blubbered harder.

"It w-was legal," he sobbed. "I swear it was legal, everyone th-thought you were dead…p-please don't kill me-"

"The fuck is your problem, kid?" Shepard asked, completely astonished. Thane stepped forward again, taking the boy's arm, though not ungently.

"Calm down, Mouse. No one is going to kill you."

"She will," he sniffled, wiping a dirty sleeve under his nose. "I-I heard stories about her…"

"Oh really?" Shepard scowled, folding her arms. The boy only sobbed harder, pressing back against the wall, hands hovering up over his face.

"No! Don't let her kill me!"

Shepard tossed her hands in the air before taking a step back. "Get a handle on him, Thane, before he pisses himself," she muttered in irritation.

Is this what people really think of me? What kids think of me?

"Shepard isn't going to hurt you, Mouse," Thane reassured. "Why do you think that she would? What was 'legal?'"

"T-The VI," he sniffed again, watering eyes fixing on Thane's face. "S-She was dead, everyone thought she was dead…it's legal to make a VI personality off a living person if they're dead-"

"This is about a VI?" Shepard blurted. "You think I'd shoot you over a goddamn V-"

She broke off with a catch in her breath, shaking her head before her temper could get the best of her. The kid thought she was monster enough to actually shoot him for making her a VI personality?

"We're not here about the VI, Mouse," Thane said gently. "We need your help. An assassin was hired for a hit recently. We need to know who hired him and who the target is."

Watery eyes still warily fixed to Shepard, Mouse seemed to regain some of his dignity. He swiped his grimy hand under his nose again, then shook his head. "I…I know but…I can't tell you. If I squeal it'll be my ass in the fire before an hour's gone by."

"No one will know we talked to you," Thane told him. "I promise it won't be traced back to you."

"I…" the boy hesitated again, big eyes shifting around again, before he gave a timid nod. "I-I don't know the target," he said swiftly. "I just know who put the hit out. It-…Elias K-Kelham. It was him."

"Thank you," Thane smiled. "You did good. We'll keep this quiet, I promise."

Mouse only bobbed his head, trembling a little as Thane stepped back. Nodding to Shepard, the drell turned to go. Her brooding gaze landing on the boy, Shepard started to follow, then paused.

"Mouse…"

"Wh-what?" he asked, instantly tensing up again, terror once more crossing his face. Shepard felt her chest clench.

A fucking monster.

"Do you happen to have one of those VIs?"

He licked his lips, blinking a few times, before his hand stole into his pocket. He withdrew an OSD, holding it as if it were a dead rat and stretching it out. Taking a step forward, Shepard held out her palm and he let it drop into her grasp.

"Thanks kid," she said gently. "And thanks for your help."

"Y-yeah," he whispered. Turning away from him, she slid the OSD away into a pouch on her belt, her face changing to stone as she rejoined Thane and Garrus.

"You ok?" Garrus asked as they walked back toward C-Sec.

"Kid thought I was going to shoot him over a stupid little VI," she grit. "Is that how they see me? How kids see me? Some psycho maniac that just blows people away over the most incidental bullshit?"

"Mouse was always flighty," Thane said softly. "Comes from growing up in ducts and vents, never knowing where your next meal is coming from. Stories about you are greatly exaggerated, Shepard. That al-Jilani woman…well, it doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter?" Shepard glared. "I don't shoot unarmed civilians, Thane. He about pissed himself because of me!"

"Because of a lie of you," Thane reminded her. "You cannot take responsibility for the evil others do."

"The fuck ever," Shepard mumbled. "Let's just find this Kelham asshole."

She didn't tell Thane that she knew that fear all too well…that life growing up in vents and ducts, starving, paranoid. Perhaps that was what bothered her the most. She and Mouse were not all that different. What fates had intervened to make her a military hero and him just another two-bit lackey living on the streets? What had she done to deserve the fortune of what she had, while he still scrabbled for everything?

You had someone like Nan, someone who took the time to show you there was another path. If not for her…that would be you. Skinny, paranoid…a two bit street thug licking the boots of assholes like Sperry and Fist for any scrap tossed your way. You were spared that because of Nan…

Nan, who was still out there somewhere…lost, hurt, perhaps even dead, trapped in the alien grip of the Collectors.

As they reached the C-Sec office Bailey looked up at them from his console, then rose and came over with a nod. He had seemed rather eager to help them…much like he had been rather eager to help her reinstate her IDs the first time she'd come back through. The suspicious part of herself still couldn't help but wonder just what his motivation was…why he was so helpful.

"Did you get a name?" he asked as he reached them.

"Elias Kelham," Shepard replied, and watched the man's face pale. "Someone you know, I take it."

"Shit," Bailey murmured, scrubbing his fingers through his bristles before he gestured at an office door. "Yeah…I think we need to talk."