Chapter 13
Antonio has been eating dinner at my house during the week we had off from school. I haven't had a bad flashback during those days, and I wonder if it's because of Antonio that I finally feel a sense of happiness. I know that I can never be completely happy. Hell, no one can be! Even the people who are, they have at least something that saddens them. I'm not saying that it's good to be sad, you just can't be completely happy either. It really isn't fair. I guess that's just life. But if you think about it, life really is the most beautiful thing, and I have trouble seeing it sometimes. But with Antonio, I feel like my life is really going somewhere. That I can have a chance at being happy again. Nonna would be proud; I just really hope that happens.
School started again, and I've been trying to have conversations with more people. I talked to the shy Canadian boy, his loud American half-brother, and a Japanese boy that apparently is friends with my brother. So in total, I talked to 3 people besides Antonio, Ludwig, nonno, and my brother! 3 FUCKING PEOPLE! When I told Antonio, he was so happy! He picked me up and spun me around, and in the first time in a long time, I laughed. I was just so happy, so fucking happy.
But that's when it all came crashing down.
My nonno has been very sick lately and is in the hospital. Even though I hate his ass, I went. I don't know why because he was a real dick to me when I was younger. Maybe because he is one of the last family members I have. I mean, I still have my brother and some aunts, uncles, and cousins but they're all the way in Italy and we're not that close. Well, they like Feliciano. But obviously not me. Anyway, I began to get really stressed because of this. I kept thinking about death, death, and death. And how I should die because he always wanted me dead. One thing stopped me from doing it though.
Antonio.
He told me that I really shouldn't do that. He even started crying, and then crying even more because he was crying and that if his brother saw him, he would call him a pussy. Another reason I shouldn't die. I want to meet Antonio's asswipe of a brother and beat his ass. Antonio told me countless times that I shouldn't because his brother was 'dangerous' but I can't help but wonder. Then, I realized that I shouldn't listen to anyone else's opinion because they're shitheads and they don't matter. Good thing that Antonio was there to tell me that because I would've never believed it. The thing that bothers me is, when is Antonio going to believe it?
"Lovino?" Antonio asks as we walk home from school.
"What?"
"Why do you always seem annoyed all the time?"
"Because I am, bastard." I state flatly.
Antonio stops walking and looks at me sternly, "Don't, 'because I am bastard' me. You always act annoyed when someone does something for you. You actually like it, I know you do. I know it's hard for you to show gratitude but like sometimes it hurts people when they think that you actually don't enjoy their presence."
I suddenly feel guilty. Is this the way he has been feeling?
I look at him, "I do enjoy your company.. if that's what your wondering. But you're sort of being hypocritical because you do the same fucking thing. You act happy all the time but you really are sad."
"Let's not make this about me. I'm fine."
"You are not fine!" I shout, "Jesus Antonio."
"Look, I'm sorry. Not everyone can just blurt out how they fucking feel every minute." (quote from shameless)
"Well then, sorry for caring."
Antonio stops walking again and actually looks panicked. "Are you really going to stop caring?"
"It seems that you want that." I say, and mentally punch myself. Why the hell am I trying to pick an argument with him?
"No. That's not what I want. I just.." Antonio trails off.
"I'm sorry for saying that, it just slipped. You can tell me whenever you are ready, okay?"
"Likewise."