Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
By: Tour Guide62
Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do.
Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them.
Chapter 3: The Not-So-Amazing Race
Sora paddled his boat to the Island's pier. He got out, tied his boat up, and stretched. Hopefully today would be the day that he, Riku, and Kairi set sail.
Then once we're out at sea, and away from any witnesses, I'll "accidentally" push Riku overboard. Then Kairi and me can have some "alone time". Bow-chika-bow-bow-chika-bow-bow… he thought as he started doing pelvic thrusts.
"Sora?"
Sora turned around, wide-eyed. Selphie was staring at him. An awkward moment of silence passed. It grew into an even more awkward moment when Sora realized he was still doing pelvic thrusts.
"Uhh…" he said, his face red.
"…" Selphie, also red in the face, was pondering what to do about this situation. She finally said, "…Let's pretend like that didn't happen."
"Sounds good to me," agreed Sora. "So… did you need anything?"
"Oh yeah! Have you ever heard of the legendary power of the paopu fruit?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "They say if you share it with someone you really care about, it will bind you together for all…" Her face took on an evil look, and her voice got deeper and seemed to echo, "ETERNITY!" She sighed romantically and her face and voice returned to normal. "It's so romantic. I've gotta try it sometime!" She looked around. Sora was nowhere in sight. "Sora?"
A small pathetic-sounding whimper came from underneath the dock. Selphie walked down to the beach and looked under the dock. "Sora?"
Sora was clutching one of the support beams to the dock and had big anime-style tears in his eyes. "Th-th-that's great Se-Selphie! Why don't y-you go tell Tidus?" he asked meekly.
Meanwhile on an undisclosed location on the Island:
"Wakka?"
"Yeah, Tidus?"
"Why do I feel like I'm not going to survive this day?"
"…"
"…"
"You're a loony."
Back with Sora and Selphie:
"That's a great idea! Bye Sora!" Selphie waved cheerfully, then stopped and said, "Oh, yeah. Riku told me to tell you that he and Kairi are waiting for you on the opposite side of the island."
"…We have an opposite side to this island?"
"…" Selphie stared at him like he was crazy, then turned and walked off, shaking her head as she went.
Half an hour later:
Sora walked out of the door that led into the opposite side of the island. He looked around and saw Riku staring quite angstily out at the ocean.
Sora walked over to him and said, "Did you know about this side of the island?"
Riku kept staring out into the ocean, almost as if he was angry at it.
"Riku?" Asked Sora as he poked Riku in the arm.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Riku screamed. He looked around wildly until his gaze fell on a very wide-eyed Sora.
"Oh, it's just you." Riku said as he resumed his "I'm An Angsty Emo-Boy Because My Fangirls Love It" attitude. "What were you saying?"
"I-I asked if you knew about the opposite side of the island." Said Sora, who was still looking at Riku strangely.
"Of course."
"WELL, I DIDN'T!" Yelled Sora. "I SPENT 30 MINUTES TRYING TO FIND THIS DAMN PLACE!" Sora took several deep breaths and calmed down a little. "By the way, I had a weird thought."
Riku raised an eyebrow, as anything else would be uncool, "What?"
"As I was running around this godforsaken island, I noticed that there are a lot of complex wooden structures around here."
"Complex-"
"Wooden structures, yes." Sora explained, "We have sturdy bridges, platforms, walls, a shack! Heck we even have doors built into solid rock! How can 6 teenagers with no experience at architecture build these things? How could we gather so many supplies? How could we have gathered the labor to do all of these things? How Riku? How, I ask you? HOW?!?"
Thunder roared and lightening struck. A single piece of paper floated down from the sky and into Sora's hand. He read it aloud:
Dear Sora,
Stop pointing out plot holes and get on with the story.
Sincerely,
Tour Guide62
"Fine." Sora grumbled.
"So, Sora," said Riku as his eyes darted around nervously, "Our raft still needs a name. I'm thinking Highwind. What about you?"
"Uh…Uhmmm…" Sora wanted something cool…something fresh…there was something he heard in that music video once…That's it! "I want to call it…"
(Drumroll)
"MakeItRain!" Sora said.
Riku stared at him.
"What?" Sora asked.
"Sora…do you know what that means?"
"Something about the weather?"
"NO! It means…" Riku leaned over and whispered into Sora's ear.
"What?" Sora laughed, "Riku, do you think people like Snoop Dog, R. Kelly, and Ludacris would rap about it if it meant that? Come on." Sora walked away chuckling.
Riku shook his head and said, "Whatever. So," he said smiling, "the usual then?"
Sora grinned, "Sure, I'm game."
Kairi walked over to them, "Are you guys at it again? Fine, I'll judge!" She stood by the door. "The usual rules apply! You can take any route you want, and the first one to tag that star-shaped tree and make it back here wins."
"Star-shaped tree?" asked Sora. "Oh, yeah. 'Cause trees always look like stars." He said sarcastically.
More thunder and lightening struck. A single (slightly singed) piece of paper floated into Sora's hand. He read it aloud:
Dear Sora,
I'm serious. Stop pointing out plot holes or you'll be sorry.
Wishing you the best,
Tour Guide62
Sora threw away the paper and went over to Riku. He said to him, "Let's make things a bit more interesting. If I win, I'm Captain. And if you win…"
"I get to share a paopu with Kairi." Riku said quietly.
"Wha-"
"Deal? The winner gets to share a paopu with Kairi."
"Wha- Hey, wait a min-"
"GO!" yelled Kairi.
Riku took off. Sora sprinted after him across the bridge, both boys jumping over gaps. Riku reached the tower and began to climb the ladder. Sora had to go down and run across the beach. He stopped to see what Riku was doing. The elder boy had begun to use the zip-line. Sora took off his shoe, aimed, and threw it at Riku. It hit the older boy and he lost his grip and fell onto the soft sand of the beach. Sora ran to get his shoe, put it on, and ran on ahead. He reached the tree first and started to jump on the tops of palm trees, with Riku right on his tail.
They reached the bridge and began to run across it, both boys neck-and-neck.
"It's Riku, no it's Sora, no it's Riku, no Sora! Riku! Sora! RIKU! SORA! RIKU! SORA! RI-" The Narrator's commentary was cut short when Tour Guide62 appeared and backhanded him.
"Calm down." Said the disgruntled author.
As Sora and Riku were crossing the bridge, Sora turned his head slightly to Riku and said, "See, how could we build this thing?" He gained a slight lead over Riku, leapt over a gap, and said, "This thing is as solid as a roOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH S***!" Sora screamed, as the planks he had just landed on broke apart, sending him into the shallow water below.
Another piece of paper floated downwards. On it it said:
TOLD YA YOU'D BE SORRY! IN YOUR FACE BIYOTCH!
Hugs and kisses,
Tour Guide62
When Sora climbed back up to the finish line, Riku was standing triumphantly next to Kairi. He looked at Sora and said, "That settles it. We're calling the raft Highwind."
Kairi looked (semi)sympathetic, but she waved to the two boys, saying that she'd be by the raft.
Sora walked over to Riku and asked, "You were just kidding around before, right? About sharing a paopu with Kairi."
Riku laughed, "Heck no! I'm definitely going to "share a paopu" with her if you know what I mean."
Sora shook his head, "I-I don't! But seriously, man. I think I might like her and it'd be cool of you to back off. What do you say?" Sora held out his hand to shake.
Riku batted it away. "I say, you snooze you lose sucka! And speaking of snoozing I'd better try to get Kairi in be-"
Riku's boast was cut off when Sora kneed him in the gut. He sank down and Sora grabbed his head and slammed it against the ground.
"NOW LISTEN, MOTHER-FU**ER! YOU BEST KEEP OFF KAIRI, OR ELSE I'LL TELL THE WHOLE ISLAND YOUR SECRET!" Sora yelled.
"You wouldn't!" Gasped out Riku as he flashed back to when Sora discovered his secret.
Flash Back:
Just Dance
Gonna be okay,
Just Dance,
Spin That Record Babe
As Riku danced around in kitchen to Lady Gaga, singing and dancing in a way that would have his fangirls breaking down his door, Sora walked into his house.
"Hey, Riku. I heard a horrible noise in here so I thought I'd better check…" Sora trailed off as he looked at what was going on in the kitchen.
It wasn't the music. He could deal with Lady Gaga, for a while anyway.
It wasn't Riku dancing. He had already videotaped that before for future blackmail use.
It was a box.
Sliver hair dye.
Sora looked at Riku again, focusing not on the booty shaking and long-dead disco moves, but on his hair.
…
…
…
…
…
It was pink.
Riku's natural hair color was…pink.
A long uncomfortable silence ensued.
"…" Riku stared at Sora, frozen in the Running Man.
"…" Sora stared at Riku, his mouth agape.
Both screamed at the same time.
Back in the present:
"OH, YES I WOULD, PINKY!" yelled Sora.
"FINE, I'LL BACK OFF!" screamed Riku.
"THANK YOU! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO SEE WHAT KAIRI WANTS!"
Sora stomped off.
Riku sat in the fetal position and rocked back and forth.
Tidus was sobbing as Selphie dragged him off to go find a paopu fruit.
And Kairi leaned back against the mast of the raft, blissfully unaware of what her odd friends were doing.
Well…now we know why Riku was so desperate to leave the islands.
If Sora threatened to spill the proverbial beans on his hair, he could always push him overboard.
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