Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
By: Tour Guide62
Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do.
Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them.
About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.
Chapter 6: Travesty Town
After slaughtering the Heartless on the beach (except for two lucky ones who just pretended to be dead), Sora rushed all around the island, looking for Kairi. After several minutes of searching, Sora dropped down on the beach, exhausted.
"How the hell am I supposed to find Kairi?" he asked. "She could be anywhere!"
"Try the secret place." Said the Narrator.
"I mean, it's not like I even know for certain that she's here." Continued Sora.
"Try the secret place!" replied the Narrator.
"If only somebody would tell me where she is!" said the oblivious Sora.
"…Well," started the Narrator, who had a sudden flash of inspiration, "She's definitely not in the secret place."
"I know!" exclaimed Sora. "I'll try the secret place!"
As Sora ran off, the Narrator smiled and said, "Reverse psychology. Gets 'em every time."
Sora came to entrance of the secret place and stopped in shock. Instead of the normal entrance, a large door with a "Do Not Disturb" sign was guarding the tunnel.
"Well, that's a lot better than trying to crawl through all the bushes and plants." Said Sora happily. He opened the door only to find…a lot of bushes and plants. "…Crap" he said sadly.
Once Sora had crawled inside the tunnel and pulled several bugs out of his hair, he began to walk down the tunnel. Reaching the cavern, he yelled out, "Kairi!"
Kairi was facing the door at the other side of the cavern.
"Kairi?" questioned Sora.
There was no response from Kairi.
"Kairi!"
"…"
"Yoo-Hoo!"
"…"
Sora was silent for a few moments. Then, with much reluctance, he said, "Wanna talk about Riku?"
Kairi turned around slowly and said, "…Sora…"
"Yes, Kairi?"
"…I knew you loved him."
"NO I DON'T!" Sora screamed in anger.
Kairi's rebuttal was lost as the door suddenly swung open and hit her from behind. Kairi rocketed towards Sora.
Ok Sora, he thought to himself, this is your chance. Just catch her and stop her from splattering all over the walls. Ready? Now!
Sora threw open his arms and caught…nothing. He opened his eyes, looked around, and screamed, "ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS?" before he was blown backwards by the gale coming from the open door.
After slamming through the tunnel entrance and flying through the air for several minutes, Sora finally landed on the beach. At least, what he assumed was the beach. He got on his hands and knees and looked down. He was now on a piece of the island, which was floating several hundred feet above the ocean. He looked up and was granted a close-up view of the black hole.
"Well," Sora said, "At least things can't get any worse."
He heard a huge crash behind him and turned around. The huge giant from his dreams was standing several feet behind him. Sora sighed, pulled out his Keyblade, and muttered, "Me and my big mouth…"
He dodged several bursts of light that came from the giant's chest and attacked its wrists. After several slashes he stopped and said, "I have no idea why I thought his freakin' wrists were a weak point. Maybe I hoped to hit a vein or something?"
As Sora was contemplating, he failed to notice the giant's foot swinging toward him. It hit him and sent him flying into the remains of a tree.
Before Sora could get back up, he heard a voice yell, "NOW!" Sora turned his head and saw Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka running towards the giant.
"FOR YUNA!" yelled Tidus.
"FOR IRVINE!" yelled Selphie.
"FOR BLITZBALL!" yelled Wakka.
The giant took one look at the three charging teenagers, bent down, and just flicked all of them off the remnants of the island. Seeing that the giant was still bending down, Sora had an idea. He ran towards the giant and stabbed it in the eye with the Keyblade. The giant clutched its eye, lost its balance, and fell off the island.
"WHOO-HOO!" Sora cheered. "I'M AMAZING! I-"
The rest of Sora's boasts were cut short when a large amount of sand was suddenly sucked into the black hole. Still coughing and choking, Sora was also sucked in.
Meanwhile:
Goofy and Donald were walking through a city. The city was dark, cold, uninviting, and reminded Donald forcibly of his mother. He tugged at the collar of his new outfit. He had traded in his wizard hat and robes for a blue hat and a blue shirt, and though they were while fashionable, they itched like there was no tomorrow.
"Huh?" he heard Goofy say.
Donald turned around and glared at the dog. His nerves were already strained with both the king's absence and from spending several hours in the Gummi Ship listening to Goofy's knock-knock jokes. Add in Pluto's smell and the constant phone calls from Daisy asking him to get her souvenirs, and Donald was left in an extremely sour mood.
"Goofy, what are you doing?" he asked. Goofy was standing stock-still several feet behind Donald and was pointing at the sky with his mouth open. Goofy had also changed clothes. Instead of his knight armor, he was now wearing an orange hat, a green shirt, black vest, and orange pants.
Goofy looked at Donald and said, "I think a star's gonna go out."
Donald looked up at the night sky. The stars twinkled back at him and not one looked like it was going out. Donald, with his eyes still staring at the sky said, "Goofy, those stars look perfectly fine. Besides, there probably billions of miles away, so even if one did go out, we wouldn't see it for probably thousands of yea-" Donald's scientific rant was cut short as a loud explosion and bright light lit up the sky. Temporaily blinded, Donald grabbed his eyes and muttered, "…Never mind."
"Donald! What if the King was on that world?" questioned Goofy.
Donald blinked the spots out of his eyes and answered, "Come on, Goofy. Mickey's not dumb enough to get caught on a dying world."
Meanwhile in the ruins of Las Vegas:
King Mickey Mouse ducked behind an overturned roulette table as several Heartless attacked the patrons of the casino.
He grabbed a broken beer bottle, popped up, and stabbed a Heartless with it. As it faded into darkness, Mickey grumbled, "I can't believe I was dumb enough to get caught on a dying world…"
Back to the plot:
"Come on, Goofy." Said Donald. "We need to find this Leon guy."
The two started walking away, until Donald remembered something. "Goofy, you tied Pluto to the ship, right?"
"Sure did!"
Unbeknownst to both Donald and Goofy, Pluto had gotten out of the flimsy knot that Goofy had tethered him to the ship with. After smelling some interesting garbage and relieving himself on a man's leg, Pluto decided to go find some bitches (Female dogs).
After several minutes of searching, Pluto decided that there were no bitches (Girl dogs) around. However, there was a funny smell coming from the alleyway. Deciding that it might be food, Pluto headed down the alley.
There was no food, just a dead monkey. Wait! Pluto could see it breathing! Maybe it's just asleep. Maybe it can find some food! But how to wake it? Hmmm… he had a sudden idea. Pluto got up on his hind legs and slammed his front paws into the monkey's scrawny chest.
CRACK!
As Sora's ribs shattered, he felt like something was wrong. He opened his eyes, got up, and looked around. He was in a dirty alley and was alone with a dog. "Where am I?" he wheezed.
He looked at the dog, knelt down, and said, "Do you know where we are?"
The Narrator paused and said, "You do know your talking to a dog, right?"
"It may seem silly talking to a dog, but with the way this day has turned out, I really wouldn't be surprised if I did run into a talking dog." Sora replied.
"What about a duck?" asked the Narrator.
"Uhm…" said Sora nervously. "Sure, I guess." He turned back to the dog and muttered under his breath, "Freakin' weirdo."
He blinked. The dog was gone. He probably left when he realized Sora wasn't going to feed him. Sora dropped to his knees and yelled, "Why does everything run away from me?"
Sora cried for several minutes before he got back up. He decided that his efforts were probably best spent finding his friends rather than crying in a dank alleyway. He walked out of the alley and was surprised to see tall buildings, bright lights, and adults.
"Weird. I really am on another world!" said Sora.
A man walking by smiled uncomfortably at Sora and said, "Sure you are," he walked away and added under his breath, "…weirdo…"
Sora glared after him. "I need to find out where I am," he decided, "and I need to know what happened to my island. I swear I won't rest until…" Sora turned around and saw that he was in front of an Accessory shop. "OH MY GOD!" Sora squealed. "ACCESSORIES!" He ran inside.
There was nobody inside the shop except for a man working at the counter. He had graying blonde hair and had what appeared to be a giant toothpick in his mouth. As soon as he heard the bell above the door ring, he turned, smiled, and said, "Hey there, how can I help ya…" He looked at Sora and said, "Aw, it's only a kid. And a boy at that! Figured ya were a girl. Thought I'd actually sell somethin' for gawd's sake…"
"Well, I'm not a girl and don't call me kid, Gramps." Said Sora angrily.
"Don't call me Gramps! Name's Cid."
"Just like 70% of all Final Fantasy characters…" mumbled Sora. He then said, "My name's Sora."
Cid stared at Sora for a moment before saying, "I've never seen you around here, you new or somethin'?"
"I don't even know where 'here' is." Replied Sora. He then proceeded to tell Cid about his island and how it was overrun.
"That is fascinatin'," said Cid, "But this sure as hell ain't your island. This is Traverse Town."
"Traverse Town? Maybe I really am on another world." Sora mumbled to himself. "Maybe I should try to look for my friends."
"OR!" shouted Cid. "Or you could stay here and buy somethin'!"
"That's it! I'll go look for my friends!" Sora smiled at Cid. "Thanks Gramps!" Sora ran out of the shop.
"Wait! Don't leave!" Cid yelled after him. "Buy somethin'! I haven't sold anythin' in three weeks! I'm starvin'!"
After several minutes, Cid pulled out a phone and dialed a number. The phone rang for several seconds before a man answered.
"Hello?" The man on the other line said.
"Hey, it's Cid."
"For the last time Cid, I don't want any accessories."
"It's not that!" groused Cid. "Wait, are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Damn it!" Cid swore. "Aw well, that's not what I wanted anyways." Cid proceeded to tell the man about Sora.
"Really?" the man questioned. "Well, I guess I'll go…'welcome' him to the neighborhood."
"Didn't you put the last person you 'welcomed' into a coma?" questioned Cid.
"…Shut up." The man said as he hung up the phone.
Next chapter we get to meet our favorite lone gunman cliche!
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