Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
By: Tour Guide62
Disclaimer: Since I'm not working at Disney or Square Enix, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. The only things in this parody I do own are the bad jokes and pop culture references.
Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them.
About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.
Chapter 7: Exposition at Gunpoint
Sora left the Accessory Shop with one thing on his mind…to get the hell away from Cid. Oh, and to find his friends, I suppose. He saw a man walking by and stopped him. "How big is this city, anyway?" asked Sora.
The man shrugged and answered, "The town is split into three districts. This," the man gestured around them, "is the First District."
"How do I get to the others?" asked Sora.
"If you go through that big and obvious door over there," the man pointed at the door, "You'll be in Second District."
"Ok, thanks Random Citizen!" said Sora.
"No problem, Ignorant Moron!" replied the man.
Sora left the man and walked towards the door. On his way, he saw what looked like an empty shop. He hopped over the display cases and saw a large safe. He tried opening it, but to his disappointment, it was locked.
"Damn!" swore Sora. "If only I had some sort of key…"
"…Are you serious?" asked the Narrator.
"Yes! How am I supposed to open this safe without a key?" Sora demanded.
"…That's a good question, Sora." The Narrator lied. "Perhaps the answer is in Second District."
"Good thinking, Mr. Disembodied Voice." Said Sora. He opened the door to the Second District and walked through it.
The first thing Sora saw in the Second District was the man from before. The man was running away from something, but Sora couldn't see what. The man tripped and fell to the ground. He flipped onto his back and looked at Sora.
"You!" said the man. "Help me!"
Sora puffed out his chest and asked in his best 'hero' voice, "What's attacking you, Random Citizen?"
"It was some sort of jittery thing in armor!" Cried the man.
Sora turned around to see if the thing was behind him. "Don't worry!" he told the man. "I've got the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a deer, and the memory of a goldfish. There's no way that thing will sneak by me."
Sora turned around to see that the man's body was gone and a chalk outline was in its place.
"…Oh crud…" said Sora.
Sora heard a loud clanking noise and looked to his right. A jittery thing in a suit of armor was standing 3 feet away from him and was staring at him.
"Yoooooouuuuuuuuuu…" it moaned as it pointed a finger at Sora. It disappeared in a ball of darkness.
Sora stared at the spot where the thing had disappeared. He shrugged and said, "Well, that wasn't so bad…"
He turned and came face-to-face with Chris the Heartless.
"Hello again." said Chris. "You haven't seen Chase, Cameron, or Zach around, have you?"
After Sora sliced poor Chris in half, he paused and looked around. "I guess those things from the island followed me here."
"Actually, we just came because our bosses told us to." said a voice. Sora slowly turned to find Chase the Heartless pushing his glasses back up his face. "Say, you haven't seen Cameron or Zach around have you?"
"Slaughtering yet another innocent Heartless, Sora made his way towards the door to the Third District," said the Narrator. "Once there…he…he…HEY!" the Narrator shouted at Sora, who was standing still.
"What?" asked Sora.
"Shouldn't you be going to the Third District?" asked the Narrator.
"Are Riku and Kairi there?"
The Narrator paused, "…Well no, but…"
"Then there's no point in going there then, is there?"
"…So what do you want to do?" asked the Narrator.
"I'll go ask Cid if he's seen Riku or Kairi." said Sora.
"You realize that it has been about 6 minutes since you've seen him last right? He probably hasn't done anything or even moved from the counter in the store."
Sora shrugged. "At the very least, I can steal some of those accessories." Sora seemed to realize what he said, because a second later he tried to play it off. "I-uh-I-I mean steal the money out of the register…right."
"So as Sora turned and made his lazy-ass way back to Cid's…" said the Narrator.
"HEY!" yelled Sora.
…he passed a rather odd looking dou. A duck in a blue outfit and a dog who is evidently a Packers fan were making their way to a hotel.
"Hey kid?" asked the duck. "You haven't seen a guy named Leon around here have you?"
"No, sorry." replied Sora. "You haven't seen a girl in a ripped skirt or a guy with silver/pink hair around here have you?"
"Nope." replied the dog. "Welp, see ya!"
"Yeah, bye." said Sora. He watched as the two walked away and thought to himself, Huh, how did a dog and a duck learn English? Oh well, maybe it's better if I don't think about it. I mean, it's not like I'll ever see those two again. And with that final moment of tempting fate, Sora went back to walking towards Cid's shop.
Opening the door to the First District, the first thing that Sora saw was Zach the Heartless hanging around and reading a tourist map.
Zach noticed Sora, turned around, smiled and asked, "Hey! Have you seen where-" Zach was cut off when Sora cut him in half with the Keyblade.
Sora took several deep breaths as he continued to walk towards Cid's. Those things are so creepy, he thought. He reached the Accessory Shop and walked inside.
"Cid give me money." Said Sora quickly.
"No way in hell." replied Cid.
"Damn. Have you at least seen my friends?" asked Sora.
"…Kid it has been like 13 minutes since I saw you last. Of course I haven't seen your friends. I haven't even moved from this goddamn counter." answered Cid.
"Well, I checked all over town and couldn't find them." lamented Sora.
"That sucks. Did you check Third District yet?" asked Cid.
Sora looked up in confusion, "Does anything ever happen in Third District?"
Cid thought for a moment. "…Not really, no."
"Thought so." said Sora. "Regardless maybe it is a good idea to check the whole town for my friends. I guess I'll have to go to stupid-ugly-never going to find anyone there-Third District."
"Sure you don't want to buy an Accessory?" asked Cid.
"Not on your life! None of them do my looks justice." Sora shot back as he exited the building.
"They'll come at you out of nowhere." said a voice.
"Holy sh**!" screamed Sora.
"And they'll keep on coming at you." said a scarred man in a leather jacket.
"Ha! If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that!" laughed Sora.
"…Just give me that f**king Keyblade, so I can be the hero of this story." said the man.
"No." said Sora.
"…Please?" asked the man.
"NO!" yelled Sora.
"I'll give you mine." The man pulled out something that looked like a gun shoved up a sword's rear end.
"…That looks stupid." said Sora.
"Yeah, because swinging around a giant f**king key is soooo cool."
"IT IS COOL!" yelled Sora.
"…You know what? I'm not dealing with this." The man pulled up his gun/sword and proceeded to shoot Sora.
"…What the fu-" The rest of Sora's curse was cut off as he collapsed to the ground.
"HOLY SH** SQUALL!" screamed a girl. She was dressed in a small green top and an extremely short skirt, which in combination left very little to the imagination. "YOU WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO FIND HIM, NOT KILL HIM!"
"The name's Leon." said Squall.
"That's retarded." said the girl.
"Shut up Yuffie." growled Squall. "And I didn't kill him. I shot him with a tranquilizer."
"Then what's with all the blood?" Yuffie screamed.
"The tranquilizer was a bullet!" yelled Squall. "Now help me with his dead body! We need to hide it!"
"Why?" asked Yuffie.
"I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRISON!" screamed Squall.
Cameron the Heartless watched as Squall and Yuffie dragged Sora's corpse away. "Wow." he said to himself. "I am so glad I didn't ask them were Chase, Chris, and Zach are."
(Meanwhile, in a dark street)
"For the last time, I don't want to buy a f**king watch!" screamed Donald as he set fire to yet another swindler. "Ahh…the smell of burning people always brightens my day."
"It's like it's Monday again, huh Donald?" asked Goofy.
"Yeah." Agreed Donald. "That was a good day." He started to walk further down the street. After a few seconds, Goofy followed.
Goofy looked around nervously and said, "It sure is quiet without all of the homeless people and criminals. What if something jumps out at us."
Donald scoffed, turned, and started to walk backwards. "Dude, I just set fire to an entire street. I think I can handle whatever this place has to throw at us." Unfortunately for Donald, he did not see the girl right behind him and walked into her. "Oh. I'm sorry." he apologized.
The girl in the pink dress slowly turned around to look at him. Then she smiled slowly. "No need to apologize. Would you like to buy some flowers?" she asked, her grin getting wider.
"Uh…no thanks." said Donald.
"I would really appreciate it." said the girl, whose smile was now something resembling a smile an insane murderer would have as he commenced his newest homicidal rampage.
Had Donald been paying attention, he might have noticed that the girls voice seemed to take on a distorted quality and that her eyes started to glow red. Being under her hypnotic thrall, however, he noticed nothing. "Must…buy…flowers…" he said in a droning sort of voice.
"But Donald, aren't we supposed to be looking for this Leon guy the King wanted us to find?" asked Goofy.
"Oh, the King sent you two?" said the girl, her Slasher Smile disappearing and her voice going back to her soft tones. "In that case, follow me."
Goofy picked up the still dazed Donald and started to follow her. "What are these flowers anyway?"
"…You're not with the FBI, are you?"
(Some time later)
"…come on…wake…" Sora could vaguely hear a familiar voice. He struggled to wake up, but gave up about 5 seconds later. Come back later voice. I'm busy, he thought to himself. For now, Sora was content to lay on what he assumed was a bed.
"Wake the f**k up Sora." said Kairi's voice.
Sora opened his eyes and was a little surprised to see that, A. He was in some sort of hotel room, and B. Kairi was standing in front of him.
"Nice tent." she said.
"Uh…it's just the way my pants are…it just…" stammered Sora.
"Shut up." advised Kairi. "Anyway, those creatures that attacked you are really just after the Keyblade."
"So…if I dropped the damn thing and ran away they wouldn't find me?" asked Sora.
"Actually, they have a personal vendetta against you for just picking it up."
"…I'm going to ignore everything you just said to say that I'm glad that you're okay Kairi. Let's make out." said Sora.
"Kairi?" said Kairi. "I'm not Kairi. I'm Yuffie." And with that, Sora's vision of Kairi disappeared, only to be replaced by the sight of Yuffie bending towards him and providing him an opportunity to look down her shirt.
"We'll talk more about the making out later." she said. She then turned her head and yelled, "HE'S AWAKE SQUALL!"
"MY NAME IS LEON, DAMNIT!" screamed Squall.
"Hello Leon Damnit!" said Sora as he waved.
"Wha- NO! My name is Squa- LEON! MY NAME IS LEON!" insisted Squall. "Now how the hell did you manage to get the Keyblade?" he gestured to the Keyblade, which was propped up against the door.
"The Keyblade?" asked Sora. "You people keep your grubby paws off that, it's mine!"
"Excuse us, Princess." said Yuffie. She sat down on the bed. "We had to get it away from you to throw off the Heartless."
"It was the only way to conceal you from them." said Squall. "But it won't last. They'll eventually track you down and devour you like a person flavored kielbasa."
"Kill-what?" asked Sora.
"Kielbasa. It's some sort of Polish sausage." said Squall. "With the right kind of spices, it's actually very- THIS ISN'T IMPORTANT!" he yelled. "How could someone like you be the main character in this thing!" He grabbed the Keyblade and chucked it at Sora. Sora dodged and the Keyblade embedded itself into the wall.
Squall sighed and walked towards Sora. "Well…I guess we don't have any choice. I guess I should be glad that you're not whiny like that guy from Final Fantasy X."
(Meanwhile, in another dimension.)
"Wakka!" Whined Tidus. "I'm tired. My daddy's a whale, the girl I love is on a suicide mission that I just found out about, and my feet huuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrt!"
Wakka sighed.
(Back to the actual main character)
"My island was destroyed, my friends are missing, I keep getting attacked by these freaky things, you shot me for God's sake, and my raft is most likely at the bottom of the ocean!" screamed Sora.
"Holy sh**…" Squall said.
(Meanwhile, in another hotel room)
The girl in the pink dress introduced herself to Donald and Goofy. "My name is Aerith. Now I'm sure you have many questions so I'll…"
As she continued talking, Goofy leaned down and whispered to Donald, "What did she say her name was?"
Donald looked puzzled. "I think she said Aerith, but I really want to call her Aeris."
Aerith/Aeris looked over at the two. "So you guys know that virtually every Disney movie that people care about, and Tron, have their own world, correct?"
Donald nodded while Goofy asked, "Aren't they supposed to be a secret?"
Aeris shrugged and said, "Honestly, I think everyone will know about other worlds by the sequel. It's really not that big of a deal. Anyway, they've been connected because of those damn dirty Heartless."
(Back in the other room)
"Isn't that that Kanye West song?" asked Sora. "Why you gotta be so heartless…"
"No. And for the love of God stop singing." said Squall.
"Why? It's not like there's going to be a whole part in the sequel that's nothing but singing." pointed out Sora.
"That'd be ridiculous." said Squall.
"Anyway," said Yuffie, "The Heartless are the ones that attacked you. Those shadowy things, remember?"
"Those without hearts." said Squall.
"…I think I could've figured that out by myself, Leon." said Sora. "You know, by their freakin' name. It's really not too hard to figure out."
"You little-"
"The darkness in people's hearts are what attracts them." interrupted Yuffie. "Every Heartless is an evil soul sucking monster."
(Meanwhile at a nearby bakery)
Cameron the Heartless pulled his face away from a gigantic cake. He had frosting on his face and stuck on his curly antennas.
"Man, those other guys are missing out on this!" he said happily. He stuck his face back in the cake and continued eating.
(Back in the hotel room)
"Yep." Yuffie nodded. "Every. Single. Heartless." She looked at Sora and asked, "Ever heard of someone named Ansem?"
(In the other room)
"Never heard of him." said Goofy. "Is he relevant to the plot?"
"Only a whole lot." said Aerith. "He was studying the Heartless and recorded his findings in a detailed report. He's also a New York Times bestselling author."
"Who isn't?" asked Donald.
"Hey, can we see it?" asked Goofy. "You know, so we only have the fifteen other things we have to look for in this stupid story and not waste our time searching for this guy's…"
"I don't have it." said Aeris. "The pages are scattered everywhere."
"…Crud." said Goofy.
"What do you mean scattered!" yelled Donald.
"They have been lost across many worlds." said Aerith.
"Gee." said Donald. "That narrows it down to, oh I don't know, all of SPACE!"
"Hey, Donald!" said Goofy. "Maybe the King went to find them!"
(Meanwhile)
King Mickey, having narrowly escaped the destruction of Las Vegas, was in his gummi ship.
"I need to get a better weapon than this." He said as he looked down at his trusty broken beer bottle. He paused in his thoughts. "…wasn't there something else I was supposed to be looking for?"
(Back to Mickey's underlings)
"I thought so too." said Aeris.
"Really?" asked Goofy.
"No." said Aerith.
"Hold on a second Goofy!" said Donald. "We need to find this 'Key' thing the King wanted us to find."
"Yeah, what is that anyway?" asked Goofy. "Is it like a literal key or a metaphorical key?"
"Metaphorical, I guess." said Donald. "A literal key would be just plain silly."
(In the other hotel room)
"So…" said Sora as he held up the Keyblade. "This is the 'key'? A giant literal key?" He looked at Squall and said, "That's just plain silly."
"The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade." said Squall.
"It's like a sword that unlocks their death." chimed in Yuffie.
"It's why they'll keep chasing you. No matter what." said Squall.
(Meanwhile, back in the bakery)
"I love this cake!" cried a happy (and frosting covered) Cameron.
(Back to the plot)
"Well, I never asked for this." said Sora. He held out the Keyblade as though one of the two others would take it from him and deny him his main character destiny.
"The Keyblade chooses its master. It's like the One Ring, but good." said Yuffie.
"And…it chose me?" asked Sora.
"Sure!" said a chipper Yuffie. "It's not like it was supposed to go to your best friend, but he chose the path of darkness and went to you as a runner-up."
"So way to win the giant f**ked up lottery." said Squall.
"But what about my island, my friends, my dinner?" yelled Sora.
"Who cares." said Squall.
"I DO!" yelled a voice. All of a sudden, a Soldier-type Heartless appeared in the room.
Squall grabbed his Gunblade and shouted, "Yuffie go!" He faced the Heartless…only for it to receive a shuriken in the eye. He turned around to see Yuffie brandishing several of the throwing stars and getting in the position to throw more.
"No." she said.
"But…Aerith." said Squall.
"She can handle herself against a few Heartless." said Yuffie confidently.
"I meant go protect the Heartless from Aeris!" yelled Squall.
Yuffie face grew pale and she ran into the other room. She saw Donald and Goofy cowering in a corner while Aerith was beating a Heartless to death with another Heartless.
Donald, noticing Yuffie, whimpered, "Help."
One brave Soldier Heartless went behind Aeris and jumped in the air, his claws poised to stab her in the back. "SNEAK ATTACK MOTHERF**KER!" He yelled.
Aerith just turned around and grabbed the Soldier by the head. "Thought I'd fall for that again, did you Sephiroth?" She said in a crazy voice. "Well, you thought wrong, didn't you!" And with that she crushed the poor Heartless's head with her hand.
Meanwhile, Leon and Sora faced even more Soldier Heartless in the other room.
"Sora?" said Squall. He had his Gunblade pointed directly at a Heartless's head. "Kill the bastards."
Next chapter will be filled with comedy and maybe a little action.
Also, you will get your first glimpse of some of the villains in this story.
And yes, Cameron the Heartless is still eating that cake.
Review Please!