Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
By: Tour Guide62
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, I would slap myself for making this ridiculous parody.
Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them.
About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.
Chapter 8: The Idiots Unite
When most people think of hotel room infestations, they tend to think of something along the lines of cockroaches or mice.
Sora and Squall wished they were that lucky.
The first Soldier Heartless that had appeared was quickly joined by several others, and soon after that Heartless after Heartless started to appear in the room and quickly threatened to overrun the two brunette bastards with slightly inconceivable swords. They would have too, if not for three things.
Reason number one is that Squall has had vast experience in destroying anything that even slightly pisses him off, and these Heartless were currently working on his already frayed nerves. He focused his anger and used it to shoot, slice, and skewer anything that wandered into his line of sight.
Reason number two is that Sora had found three cans of Red Bull in the room's mini-fridge. Ignoring the sign on the inside of the fridge that stated that each Red Bull costs 300 munny (not that it would have affected Sora, as the room was registered under Squall's fake name, "Leon"), and ignoring his mother's orders to never ever even touch an energy drink, Sora had downed the cans quicker than an alcoholic after an AA meeting. Currently, Sora was what the Heartless saw as a red blur as he zipped around the room in a massive caffeine-induced high; slicing apart both Heartless and the furniture (also not his problem. The munny is going to come out of Squall's pocket anyway.).
The final reason is that, frankly, the Soldier is a generally stupid type of Heartless. Their main focus was to devour the hearts of the two swordsmen, like they were some kind of blood coated candy. So instead of doing the logical thing and make strategies to overpower Sora and Squall, they merely ran forward, mowing down their comrades in the process, and were almost immediately cut, sliced, or murderlized.
Regardless of the Soldiers suicidal charges, Squall noticed the room was getting rather cramped. The door was no way out; it was much too boring of an exit. The ceiling? No, that wouldn't do, there are spiders in the ceiling. The window? That'd work!
Squall grabbed a nearby Heartless and chucked it out the window. "FOLLOW ME!" he yelled to Sora as he leaped out of another window.
Looking at the two broken windows, Sora paused. "Yeah…I think I'll take the stairs."
Fighting his way down the stairs (At one moment, he simply decided to push a Heartless down the stairway), Sora burst through the backdoor and found himself in an alleyway. A very dark alleyway. Sora stumbled over boxes, garbage, and the occasional drunk in his attempt to find Squall.
Sora heard groaning several feet away from him. "Mr. Leon Damnit?" he asked.
"My name is just… oh forget it." came Squall's voice. Squall picked himself up off the cement and looked at Sora. "…That really wasn't one of my better ideas."
Sora simply stared at him.
"…What?" asked Squall.
Sora pointed at his leg. Squall looked down and saw his right leg sticking out at an odd angle. How he was still standing was anyone's guess.
"…That's weird, you'd think I'd feel the pa-" Squall suddenly clutched at his leg with a grimace of pain on his face. "THERE IT IS!" he screamed.
"Are you okay?" asked Sora.
"DOES IT F**KING LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY?" yelled Squall.
"Actually it looks like you are in incredible pain and/or that you are very pissed."
"…Both actually." Squall grimaced. He couldn't fight whatever was controlling the Heartless on his bad leg. He could get Yuffie, but she was still up in the hotel, keeping Aerith from brutalizing defenseless Heartless.
"…Crap." said Squall. He turned towards Sora, "Even though it pains me as much as a broken leg to say it, but I need your help."
Sora started to bounce up and down in excitement. "What do I do!" he asked/squealed.
"STOP BOUNCING!" yelled Squall. "I need you to go find the Heartless leader, ok?"
"Ok." said Sora.
"Then I need you to fight the Heartless leader." continued Squall.
"Gotcha." said Sora.
"And I need you to win the fight against the Heartless leader." finished Squall.
"You lost me." said Sora.
Squall sighed and said in annoyance, "Look, just go run around town until something big attacks you. When it does, smash it."
"Smash? Whoo-hoo!" cheered Sora. He jumped and landed on Squall's leg. "Don't worry Mr. Leon, I will smash it to bits! Then you'll be my friend forever! Right, Leon? Leon?" Sora looked at Squall, who had passed out from the pain of having Sora land on his leg. "…Poor guy. Fighting those Heartless must have tired him out."
"Sora stepped off of Squall and exited the alleyway." read the Narrator. "He wandered aimlessly; searching for the evil Heartless leader. He would not rest until he-"
"Excuse me!" yelled Sora.
"For God's sake, what is it now?" asked the Narrator.
"Can we just skip to the part where I find where he is?" asked Sora.
"No!"
"Please?"
"…Fine."
(Some time later)
Sora stepped through the door to the Third District, as he had searched everywhere else in town. The first thing he noticed was that it was strangely emptier, quieter, and better lit than the Second District. He saw a flight of stairs that lead to a large plaza.
Meanwhile, on a balcony above, Goofy leaned over and looked at a brunette kid fall down the stairs. "Hey Donald," he said. "It's that feller from before."
"I'm a little busy Goofy!" yelled Donald as he stared down two Heartless. The two monsters were slowly advancing on him and Goofy. "Let's see how they like this!" said Donald as he prepared to cast a spell.
Down in the plaza, Sora heard a distant explosion and screams that seemed to be getting closer and closer. Looking up in confusion, he was suddenly hit by what seemed to be a dog and some sort of demented goose. All three of them ended up in a pile on the ground.
"Mr. Weatherman…" said a dazed Sora. "That wasn't in the forecast today…"
"Donald?" asked Goofy, whose face was getting smushed into his shield. "Did ya have to use the Self-Destruct spell?"
"Well…" said Donald, whose tail was still on fire, "…It worked didn't it?" Standing up and putting out his tail, he looked and saw the Keyblade several inches away from Sora. "Hey kid, you dropped your key." He said to Sora.
"Wait… his what?" asked Goofy.
"His…key…" said Donald slowly. "…Wait…"
Both Donald and Goofy pointed at the Keyblade and said, "The Key!"
Suddenly, pillars shot up out of the ground in front of all of the stairways. There was no way out of the plaza and Soldier Heartless started to appear.
Picking himself off of the ground and grabbing the Keyblade, Sora turned to the others. "Are you friends with these guys?" he asked. Both Donald and Goofy shook their heads. "Then let's get them!" Sora, Donald, and Goofy charged at the group of Heartless.
Sora started to swing the Keyblade at several Heartless, making them explode in a purple cloud of smoke. Cheering in victory, Sora failed to notice several others behind him.
Seeing that Sora was in trouble, Goofy pulled a Captain America and threw his shield. It bounced off of a statue of two dogs and crashed through the group of Heartless.
Donald was holding off Heartless with a mix of ice, thunder, and fire magic. However, one of his Blizzard spells missed his intended target and wound up hitting a statue of Walt Disney. Staring at the frozen statue, Donald said to himself, "…Better not tell the King about this one…"
(Meanwhile)
King Mickey's Gummi Ship soared through the darkness of space. In the cockpit, Mickey was spinning in his chair; clearly bored.
"I'm BORED!" he yelled to himself. "Who knew finding a weapon would be this hard?" Mickey's complaints were interrupted by Mickey experiencing an unexplainable shudder. "What…why do I feel like something bad just happened? It's like some sort of long-forgotten urban legend just got referenced again." He thought for a moment. "…Well. It's probably nothing to do with either Donald or Goofy. I shouldn't worry about it."
All of a sudden the ship's warning alarms started to go off.
Mickey sighed and spun the seat so it was facing the controls. "That, however, is something I should be worried about."
(Back to the fight. Or, rather, the aftermath of the fight.)
Having destroyed the last of the Heartless, Sora stopped to take a breath. He turned to see how his allies were doing. He was not prepared for the strange sight that met his eyes.
Donald was trying desperately to thaw out the statue of Walt Disney, cursing as he did so. Goofy was trying to calm him down by saying that, even if Donald couldn't unfreeze the statue, it would eventually thaw out on its own. Donald would've responded had his fire spell not gotten out of control and incinerated the statue.
Shaking his head, Sora walked towards the center of the plaza to see if all of the Heartless had been dealt with. He noticed something strange. His vision was growing darker. It took Sora surprisingly few moments to realize that he was standing in the middle of a large shadow. He looked up just in time to notice that a rather large suit of armor was about to squash him.
Sora dove out of the way as the armor crashed into the ground. Goofy looked up from comforting a distraught Donald. "Hey kid!" he yelled to Sora. "Watch out for that giant suit of armor!"
"Gee, thanks!" sarcastically screamed Sora. He looked to see the armor's helm land on top of it's body. The armor started to menacingly spin its arms around.
Donald stopped sobbing and looked at the armor. "Hey," he said, "When did that get here?" He pulled out his staff and cast a thunder spell at it. The armor turned towards Donald and started to make its way towards him. "Uh…guys? HELP!" Yelled Donald.
"Don't worry!" said Sora. "There's three of us and only one of it!"
The suit of armor paused. It lifted up it's hand and proceeded to count its opponents. Realizing that it was outnumbered, the armor detached it's hands and feet and sent them after Sora, Donald, and Goofy.
Goofy raised up his shield to block a punch from one of the giant fists. Unfortunatly, the punch sent him flying backwards into Donald, who was fighting the other fist. As Goofy was flying backwards, Jiminy Cricket flew out of his hat and landed on Sora, who was fighting both of the armor's feet.
Sora stabbed one of the feet with the Keyblade. The assaulted foot disappeared in a bang and a puff of dark smoke. Cheering, he turned to Donald and Goofy. "Did you see that! Looks like I de-feeted that foot! Get it?"
And like an angry critic who was fed up with puns and bad jokes, the surviving foot reared back and punted Sora straight through the window of a nearby empty house.
Sora smashed through the window and landed on a bed. "Ow," he said, "How am I supposed to beat that?"
Jiminy hopped out of Sora's hair and said, "You're not very good at fighting, are you?"
Sora seemed surprised to see a cricket hop our of his hair. "A bug…in my hair? I swear I used a shampoo for that…"
"My name is Jiminy Cricket, and you better get out there and help Donald and Goofy."
"But how?" asked Sora. "My usual strategy of charging the opponent and stabbing them to death just got me launched through a window!"
"Now just calm down." said Jiminy. "Maybe there's something around here that can help you beat that big tin can."
"Ok." said Sora. He started to look around the room that he landed in and his eyes landed on a locked chest. "Wonder what's in there?"
"I'm not one for stealing, but this is an emergency!" said Jiminy. "Open it up!"
"But how?" Sora cried. "It's locked!"
Jiminy just stared at Sora. He eventually mustered up the courage to ask, "Aren't you swinging a giant key around as a weapon? Can't you just open it with the Keyblade?"
"You and your crazy ideas." muttered Sora. "I'll try it, but it's only to humor you." He put the Keyblade into the chest's lock and twisted it. The chest immediately opened up.
"…Just like I planned!" exclaimed Sora.
Outside, in the plaza, Donald and Goofy had managed to destroy both of the arms of the armor and where facing both the remaining foot and the body of the armor.
"Hey Donald?" asked Goofy.
"Goofy, I am literally right in the middle of something." Said Donald as he shot spell after spell at the armor's torso. "What is it?"
"Where's the kid?" asked Goofy as he dodged the foot.
"RIGHT HERE!" shouted Sora as he climbed over the pillars. "Hang on…" Sora let out a high pitched shriek as he lost his grip and dropped to the ground. "Oww…" he groaned.
"Alright boy," said Jiminy as he hopped out of Sora's hair and onto his chest, "That big suit of armor is called a Guard Armor."
"Thanks." muttered a sarcastic Sora. "Now that I know what it's called, I can beat it for sure."
"Shut up, I'm telling you how to kill it." said Jiminy as he flipped through a book called Home is Where The Heartless Is. "The book says that its weak point is inside the armor's torso."
"Kid!" shouted Donald. He and Goofy came running over. "Are you alright? And more importantly, is the Key alright?"
"I'm fine!" said Sora. Jiminy used the opportunity to hop up onto Sora's shoulder. "I've stolen something from that house that will help us!" He pulled out two hand grenades from his pockets. "These will help us win!"
"What kind of psycho keeps live grenades in their house?" asked Donald.
(Meanwhile)
Cid, in the process of harassing passersby in an attempt to get a sale, suddenly shivered. "Why the Sam Hell do I feel like someone's touching my stuff?" he asked.
"I don't know man!" yelled an unfortunate victim. "Put can you please put down that gun?"
"Not until you buy something, cheap-ass!" yelled Cid.
(In Third District)
"…So, we need to get this grenade into that thing!" said Jiminy.
"But how?" asked Sora. "To make that throw, you'd need to have incredible aim!"
"Or, you know, with magic." said Donald dryly. He used his staff to levitate the grenade. Once it was over the Guard Armor's torso, he used magic to pull the pin and dropped it inside.
The Guard Armor looked down just in time to see its torso explode. The surprised head of the Guard Armor fell to the ground with a loud THUD.
"That was easy." said Donald.
"FOOT!" Yelled Goofy. The surviving foot was going wild, stomping everything. Cameron the Heartless, covered in sticky pink frosting from his curly antennas to his feet, wandered into the plaza.
"Hey guys!" Cameron waved to Sora, Donald, and Goofy. "Have you tried that bakery? They have delicious ca-" Cameron was cut off when the remaining foot stomped on him. Due to the sticky frosting, Cameron was stuck to the sole of the foot like an ant trapped in a wad of bubblegum. "This is the second biggest foot that has ever stepped on me." He said, his voice slightly nasally due to having his face smushed against the bottom of the foot.
Donald watched the foot stomp around. He turned to the other two and asked, "Now what?"
Sora sighed, pulled the pin, and threw the other grenade. "I really wanted to keep that grenade." he said wistfully.
The grenade sailed through the air and landed in the middle of the plaza. The foot landed on it and the grenade exploded, taking out the foot, Cameron, and the frosting.
The pillars blocking the stairway disappeared, revealing Squall (using crutches) and Yuffie.
"Good work." said Squall. "Maybe you can use the Keyblade without stabbing yourself in the chest."
"About that," said Donald, "How did you manage to come across the Key?"
"Oh, here." said Sora as he pulled up a laptop. "Let's just read the first seven chapters of Kingdom Hearts: The True Story."
(Sometime later)
"So…you guys were looking for me?" asked Sora.
"Well…" said Goofy hesitantly. "Not you, specifically. More like the guy who was using the Key."
"In fact," Donald chimed in, "If someone else suddenly started to wield the Keyblade, we'd probably just abandon you."
"We are going to be best friends." said a clueless Sora.
"So, now that we've found you," began Goofy, "You should come with us! We can head to other worlds on our ship!"
"Is it awesome looking?" asked Sora excitedly.
"Uh…" Goofy thought about the bright orange and yellow Gummi Ship. "…Kinda?"
"…I'll go with you." said Sora. "But only on the condition that we look for my crush, Kairi, and my hetero life partner, Riku."
"Sure!" said Donald brightly. "We'll spend every moment looking for them!"
"Really?" asked Goofy quietly.
"F**k no." whispered Donald. "But we need him to come along with us, so we can prove to the King that we at least somewhat listen to whatever drivel he says."
Squall hobbled forward. "Sora. You need to go with them, they'll help you find your friends."
"Leon!" said Sora. "You really do care!"
"To be honest, I really just want you the f**k out of this town." said Squall.
"Best friends!" cheered Sora.
"Ok…just…stop being happy, ok?" said Donald. "It's really starting to creep me out a little."
"O RLY?" asked Sora as he made one of the most grotesque smiles in the history of history.
"My god." whispered Donald.
"I peed a little." whimpered Goofy.
Sora stopped his horrible face and said, "I'm Sora. Who are you guys?"
"Uh…Donald Duck?" said Donald. He pointed to Goofy. "Goofy Goof? Haven't you ever watched Disney cartoons?"
"Cartoons? On Disney?" Sora scoffed. "Disney doesn't have cartoons. They have shows like Zack and Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place, and Shake It Up."
"…I feel like crying." said Goofy.
(Meanwhile on a faraway world)
Several dark figures crowded around a table in a dark room. On the table was a holographic image of Sora, Donald, and Goofy.
"He took down the Guard Armor?" asked one figure, whose blue flames were giving out some light into the room. "Him? That's dumb."
"You're dumb." said another figure, whose snake staff was glinting in the dark. "The boy is obviously using the power of the Keyblade."
"Idea!" said a figure with a Cthulu-like silhouette. "How about we kill him? That would solve all of our problems." She laughed with the sort of laugh that makes sailors want to drown themselves.
"I'm going to ignore you, you salty wench." said yet another figure. The light glinted off of the hook shaped appendage on the edge of his wrist. "The little barnacle's shipmates are the King's swabbies. Damn my eyes, they all look like they'll keelhaul at the first sign of trouble! I've seen deadlier cabin boys!"
"Like your one to talk." said a fat, fat figure. "We should have chosen Barbossa instead."
"Belay that talk, ye bag of bilge before I tear open yer belly and pull out yer squirmy guts!" shouted the other.
"Enough." commanded a voice. "He is the main character." said a woman in a dark robe. In her hand, she held a scepter with the inscription "Mama's Bitch Stick" written on it. "I wonder if he will end up devoured by the darkness. Either way, he stands little chance of stopping our goals. If so, he will surely peris-" The figure suddenly started coughing and choking. "God…I can't…breathe. I keep forgetting…how much using that voice actually hurts…"
"..." There was an awkward pause. Finally the fatty fat fat figure said, "So...what now?"
"I don't know about you guys," said figure with the hook-like appendage, "But I could go for some rum right about now. Anyone else?"
There were murmers of agreement from the rest of the figures.
Our heroes have united, our villains have a plan, and our Narrator is still narrating.
Can Sora, Donald, and Goofy manage to stop the bad guys? Will they actually find out what the villains' plan is? Will our four Heartless: Chase, Cameron, Chris, and Zach ever catch a break?
The answers are maybe but not without a lot of amusing injuries, maybe but they won't understand even if they do, and dear sweet god, no.
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