Hi guys. We have a couple more chapters coming in the next month. Thanks for reading and reviewing! (Despite our slowness. XD)
Matsuda was sitting in his office, watching his singing fish in envy. Surely his singing fish never had to deal with this madness. He wasn't even sure why it got sent to him; it was probably a joke. Or maybe they gave him Light's mail in case there was a bomb. Somehow, they always knew what belonged to Light—well, because it was addressed to Light, but sent through the police department. Matsuda really didn't get it. Light did have an apartment; they could send it there.
He had been ignoring the messages from the traffic department for the last hour. Not that the angry phone calls were anything new: Light usually racked up about five or so a week. Matsuda just wasn't used to fifteen. In one hour. Most of the phone calls normally came from women in bars who had tried to get Light's number—for some reason he always gave them Matsuda's office number. Maybe because he worked so much, he figured he'd be at work more than he would be at home. Either way, that wasn't too bad. But this time, they were from rights lobbyists. And those phone calls were terrifying.
Matsuda heard Naomi and Light walk into the room, bickering with each other rather loudly. This was weird because most of Light's partners were either too intimidated or too dead to talk back to him. Matsuda stuck his head out of the doorway of his office to watch them walk in.
The first thing he noticed was that Light wasn't covered in blood. Which was kind of rare, and on first instinct a good thing, but it usually meant things hadn't gone well. Naomi wasn't covered in blood, either. Matsuda kind of thought she'd be happy about it—but she didn't look particularly happy, either. As they got closer, Matsuda began to make out their conversation.
"No," Naomi said, looking straight ahead with her hands in her pockets.
"I'm afraid it's unavoidable. Family tradition," Light said with a wave of his hand, looking slightly more gleeful than usual. Light was a big proponent of schadenfreudre, and indeed, as Naomi's misery increased, Light's smile lifted as if he were a young child hugging a stuffed whale.
"Why am I involved in your family traditions?" Naomi asked extremely loudly, causing more heads to poke out of side rooms and cubicles.
"It's supposed to make me feel responsible for your safety and wellbeing," Light explained casually.
"Oh, I'm sure it works wonders. I can just see it now: dysfunction junction in dinner form, you on my right, Sayu on my left. We're eating dinner and suddenly it happens—you are cursed with a soul. Now you are in love with me and your greatest goal in life is to keep me alive at all costs, even to the point of martyrdom. So when I get kidnapped by the whale-man, you get yourself harpooned in order to save me and die a very bloody horrible death. Is that how it's supposed to work? Gypsy curses? Because Light, I don't know any gypsies!" Naomi stopped walking and looked away from Light with her hands still in her pockets, her face turning red as her anger simmered.
Light appeared to ponder that for a moment. He had stopped walking as well, and was now staring at the ceiling. "I've never heard it put quite like that before, but yes, I'm sure my mother hopes that you and I will get married."
Naomi's face paled dramatically. "Dear God, I wasn't serious…" She shuddered and backed away from Light. "You know, now I'm even more determined not to come." Naomi began to walk in the opposite direction out of the building, but Light grabbed her shoulder.
Matsuda blinked, because, well, it was so weird. But Matsuda swore he had seen that exact same position between a man and a woman on the cover of a romance novel. Only, if it was a romance novel, Light would have been shirtless and Naomi would have been wearing a dress. They were looking at each other with that same passion, though. Matsuda had to check to make sure. He ran to his desk and grabbed out a novel, holding it in front of him as he examined the detectives. Light held Naomi in place, both of them looked into each other's eyes, Light smiled, Naomi looked up…
"Naomi," Light said in a voice that Matsuda could swear was husky, "you are coming to this dinner."
Naomi didn't say anything, struck speechless by the sweltering look in Light's eyes. She just stared at him as if there wasn't anything else in the world.
"I have a gun and I can shoot you between the eyes before you have a chance to blink, rapist pig."
Matsuda fell on the floor outside of his office, causing Light to turn around with Naomi still in his arms. Both Naomi and Light looked down at the NPA director, who was trapped on the floor.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Naomi. Light didn't say anything, but instead looked into empty space as if Matsuda didn't even exist. Probably because Matsuda had ruined the mood, well, after… That didn't make any sense. Matsuda laughed awkwardly and stood up. He ran a hand through his hair but then discovered that he had put in hair gel that morning. Thwarted, he shook it out and looked at Light and Naomi with a smile.
"Hey guys, it's too bad you lost the crook," Matsuda said, trying to shift the focus off himself. Naomi and Light just continued to stare at him.
"Well, he's a rather fast swimmer," Naomi said with a sigh and looked over at Light. "Can you let me go now?"
Light released Naomi and Matsuda felt as if a great opportunity had been lost on Light's part. He'd have to tell Light to try again later. All the romance novels said the woman always hated the man at first—she'd fall with time. Matsuda gave him a look of sympathy, to which Light only glared. Right. The great womanizer Light Yagami didn't need sympathy. Matsuda changed his expression to encouraging.
"We'll get him," Light said with a wave of his hand. "How's my restraining order coming along?"
"Well… It's coming…" Matsuda didn't want to be the one to tell Light that it wasn't going well at all. The judge completely thought Light deserved it, even if Mello was a mob boss. And Matsuda couldn't exactly bring himself to disagree, although telling this to Light would result in loss of limbs. He decided to change topic. "Oh Light, there's a, um, package for you…"
Light's eyebrows raised; he walked into the office before letting out a harsh laugh. Naomi looked at Matsuda and Matsuda realized just how scary she was. She had not only survived a car ride with Light, but talked to him afterward. The way she was looking at Matsuda now—it looked just like Light when he was anticipating a nice slaughter… They were meant for eachother.
"This is wonderful!" Light said, carrying what looked like a bouquet of harpooned stuffed whales with red paint on their sides. He was grinning like a little boy given a bright red bicycle on Christmas.
"Well, I know I've always wanted a bunch of dead whales," Naomi said to Matsuda.
"What?" Matsuda asked, looking from her to the whales.
"Never mind, don't tell me it's from our man." Naomi pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. "I honestly never want to hear a word that man has to say. You can tell a lot about a man from his car. Quite a lot."
"Oh no, then it'd be put into evidence. This is from L."
Naomi looked up and stared at the bouquet. "L sent you a bouquet of harpooned whales… Why?"
Light's grin only grew more childish and wider, and he laughed. "He thinks he's clever and it's hilarious. Matsuda, do you realize what this means?" Light asked, looking directly at Matsuda, who felt that familiar fear for his soul.
"…No?" Matsuda suggested slowly.
At that moment, Light looked out toward the window, and the light fell onto him like a shroud of holy light—as if he were a god. His smile grew tranquil and he said, "It's going to get even worse, and you will get even more mail in far worse form."
Matsuda gulped and decided to change the conversation in order to put off the inevitable worsening of situations. He hoped. "So you guys were talking about a dinner? I think that's great!"
Naomi cocked her head and looked at Matsuda. "Would you like to come, Matsuda?"
"What? Well I…" Matsuda trailed off and looked at Light. "Can I?"
"No," Light said.
"Yes, he can. Think of it as a new family tradition. Invite your new partner and your director. That way it's more of a team-building thing and you can feel even more joy and love for the people around you. Matsuda, you should come. It will be a lot of fun." In that moment, Naomi smiled just like Light. Matsuda began to fear for his soul again. He rubbed his hands together and looked to his office where his safety taser had been left behind.
He looked to Naomi and to Light, wondering which of them he should fear more. He decided that since he didn't know what Naomi was capable of, he shouldn't get on her bad side first.
He grinned. "I'd love to come!"
Sayu hated when Light got a new partner. Whenever Light got a new partner, she had to show up at home. Whenever Sayu showed up at home she had to face the lecturing wrath of her parents and their stares of disapproval. Whenever her parents disapproved of her she got the sense that somewhere out there Light was in hysterics. Sayu hated her family sometimes, she hated them quite a bit.
Not to mention that every time Light got a new partner, they either thought she was a heroin dealer or a slut. They usually found out the difference pretty fast—usually after they woke up bleeding in an alley. The woman was no different; she kept her gun pointed at Sayu the whole time. Who the hell did she think Sayu was? Sure, Sayu probably could have beaten the shit out of her and would have enjoyed it, but that didn't mean she had to keep the gun locked on Sayu's back. Some people just had no manners.
She showed up at the door and rang the doorbell, then stood, waiting for the door to open and for her mother to sigh as she viewed the blue hair. It had actually been black last time, but Sayu was bored with black—it was a blue year.
Light couldn't have just killed the sucker already. He had to play mister nice guy for once in his life and actually leave her alive after twenty-four hours.
The door opened; surprisingly, it wasn't her mother who answered, but Director Matsuda of the NPA. "Hi Sayu! Wow! Your hair is really blue!" He smiled, and Sayu remembered why she hated him.
There was once a time when Light was still loitering around the NPA building in search of anything to relieve his boredom when Matsuda had thought Sayu was very pretty. There was also once a time when he had visited their house and had very awkwardly let Sayu know that he thought she was pretty. That was before the lead pipe, which was probably why Matsuda was still breathing.
She just stared at him and blinked, waiting to actually be let her into the house. He didn't move—just kept staring and smiling, his cheeks growing redder by the minute. Then he began to laugh. Sayu just kept staring, wishing she had thought ahead and brought her lead pipe.
"It looks good!" Matsuda finally said, looking down, then looking up and then laughing.
"I thought Light killed you," Sayu said finally, grabbing the door and shoving Matsuda out of the way.
Matsuda laughed awkwardly; he was always awkwardly laughing. "Yeah, well, no he hasn't. Your brother's not that bad, you know."
Sayu just stared at Matsuda with a blank look. Matsuda amended his statement with red cheeks: "Well, I mean, he has his good points... He's really smart!"
"Yes, Matsuda, Light is really smart." Sayu smiled then and walked past him.
Sayu walked into the dining room where Light and the gang were already seated. They didn't even look up. She frowned. Maybe she had actually been looking forward to having an argument about the hair—this lack of reaction was a little unnerving. Sayu took the only available seat, the one next to the new partner.
It was weird. Light had never had a woman partner before. She was vaguely pretty, if somewhat dull-looking—she wore enough black to look at home in a funeral. Or Hell. The woman looked over at Sayu when she sat down and smiled slightly before saying, "Nice combat boots."
"Nice turtleneck, really sexy," Sayu said, digging out a nail file and sharpening her nails.
"Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint the prospective in-laws." The partner tapped her fingers against the table and looked meaningfully at Soichiro and Sachiko.
Sayu just stared, "...What?"
"You know, I expected the gypsy curse to kick in by now. It's late."
Sayu looked over at Light, who appeared to be having no problems whatsoever. "I hate to cut into your problems, but... Light doesn't do the marriage thing. Or the woman thing. Or the people thing, really."
"Oh no, no problem here. Just waiting for your brother to declare his love for me. Then I hope to be whisked off to the chapel, followed by you, Matsuda, and Light's hidden army of zombies that he keeps in his private mausoleum. No problem at all." Naomi looked down at her empty plate in distaste, as if she really wished she could begin stabbing her food.
"And people think I have problems," Sayu said to Matsuda, who seemed to be the only fellow sane person in the room. He just stared at her, then smiled wistfully. Never mind. She was alone.
"You don't have problems. Your hair is blue," Naomi said shortly.
"Of course not. All people with blue hair are stable individuals." Sayu nodded. "One of the most important facts of life."
"No, it means you try too hard to look like you're unstable. See Light? Notice any blue hair or piercings? Light doesn't need blue hair to be insane and unstable and have many large problems."
Sayu looked at Light, who was enjoying himself far too much for comfort. "We don't use Light as the standard for anything in this household. Family rule. Since the watermelon competition."
Naomi looked at Light, who just smiled pleasantly. "Watermelons. Why am I not surprised?"
"Oh yes," Sayu said, "it was the end of his relationship with Takada Kiyomi, as well. That poor girl. She never saw it coming. Light was always her white knight. It's so sad."
Naomi burst into hysterics but calmed almost immediately when she realized that everyone but Light was giving her 'the look'. "Sorry, continue your traumatizing story."
"Right, well, Takada thought she and Light were soulmates. They dated for quite a long time. He took her to restaurants, bought her overpriced chocolates..."
Naomi covered her mouth in an attempt to stifle the laughter. Sayu glared.
"Will you let me finish?" Naomi nodded, not the least bit apologetic. "Anyway, they were meant for each other. But after the watermelon incident... we don't talk about Takada anymore."
"Was she eaten?" Light's partner asked blandly. Sayu looked at Naomi, who for the most part looked relatively sane—if somewhat upset at the lack of food to stab. Sayu blinked and shifted her look to Light, who didn't look that unnerved.
"...What?" Sayu asked.
"Did he eat her?" Naomi asked and then sighed, looking up from her plate. "Listen, if you're going to say things like that, I have to assume that Light devoured her soul. Am I wrong?"
For once in her life, Sayu had the distinct feeling that she had just met a woman more frightening than herself. She suddenly wished that she was on the other side of the table, far away from Light's new partner. Sayu looked at Light and then to Naomi, wondering where the hell he had managed to find this one.
No one seemed to want to answer that. Light hadn't actually eaten Takada. He had just destroyed her mind and turned her into a devoted, sniveling wreck after he realized that he didn't actually care enough to even pretend to be interested in her. He also gave her an acute fear of watermelons.
Matsuda decided to ease the tension. "So Sayu, how's life been recently? I haven't seen you around much."
Sayu smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, I've been hanging out in the ghetto, beating grown men with a lead pipe. How about you, Matsuda?"
Matsuda awkwardly chuckled and pointed his finger at Sayu as if to convey he understood the joke. Then Light's partner looked sideways and said, "Matsuda, she isn't joking."
Matsuda stopped laughing and began to blush. Again. He looked down at his plate, and then looked at Light with a face halfway between a plea and an apology.
Soichiro and Sachiko looked vaguely ashamed yet resigned, as usual. Their expressions never changed during these stupid dinners. One day, Sayu wasn't going to show up and they were just going to have to deal with the disappointment.
"Are these dinners normally this much fun?" asked Naomi to the entire group. Everyone blinked and repressed their various sighs.
"Usually someone has the sense to bring booze. I don't remember much of the other dinners," Sayu grumbled. "When are we eating? If we're not eating, I am getting the hell out of here."
"Sayu, you're so impatient," said Light with a wave of his hand. Sayu crossed her arms at Light.
It had been a while since she had seen Light actually bother to dress nicely. Most of the time, he didn't bother to wear a suit—just walked around in casual clothes with a gun on his hip. Now he looked impeccable, like he did in high school when he had cared about his impression on other people. Sayu had assumed those days were long gone, but apparently they were back in full force. She realized that Light hadn't even bothered to say anything particularly evil yet. In fact, he looked as if he was having a good time…
"Sayu, you're staring. It's rather creepy. Did you want something?" Light asked.
"Who the hell are you and where did my brother go?" Sayu asked, to which Light simply looked at her and blinked before smiling.
"He's in a good mood because he's getting a reaction out of the Greatest Detective in the World. Which is a complete childish waste of time, if anyone was to ask me… But no one ever does." Naomi resorted to stabbing her empty plate instead of the food that had yet to appear.
"If we're not actually eating, I'd like to go. People to see, places to be..." Sayu gazed longingly at the door that was so very far away.
"In a minute." Sachiko's answer was quiet.
"Abandoning the family at the table somewhat defeats the purpose of a family dinner," Light said musingly, looking at Naomi. "What do you think?"
"I think that I really have no reason to be here and that if you weren't so socially inept, I could be doing something far more productive and enjoyable," Naomi said bluntly, staring at the wall rather than looking directly at Light.
"I invited you," Light said with a slight gesture of his hand, as if this were a perfectly normal occurrence.
Naomi just glared at the wall, her face becoming steadily redder as time passed. Sachiko exited to the kitchen and returned with the dinner. Everyone but Light sighed in relief at the signal that the awkward disaster was almost over.
And then Matsuda ruined the moment.
"So, um, Sayu do you have any educational plans for the future?" Matsuda asked, trying to break the ice again.
"Do I look like a girl with a future?" Sayu asked, stabbing her food and taking large, open-mouthed bites.
"… Doesn't everyone have a future?"
"It wasn't literal."
Matsuda turned very red and turned to Light and then to Sayu. "I was just trying to start a conversation…"
Sayu picked up her food and then threw it against the wall. She stared at the dripping noodles. She stared at the family. "Well, I feel better now."
"Later, bitches." Sayu then proceeded to walk out the door, never to return until the next time Light got a partner. Or New Years. Whatever came first.
Somewhere inside that house, Light was in hysterics at her misery.
Mello and Matt crashed incognito at the local adult store. They had been checking the scene to see how the master plan had been going, but unfortunately it had been going a little too well. Mello was in the middle of the second biggest tantrum of the month.
"What the hell?" he screamed at Matt. The girls at the register to turn around with blank expressions and panicked eyes.
"I think this means we did a good job," Matt pointed out.
"He's not that good looking! He's certainly not better than me, so why do they buy his poster?"
Mello was referring to the master plan: the plan to make large posters featuring a half-naked Light Yagami who rested on a bed with sheets in ruin around him. It would be humiliating, life-scarring, malevolent! Light would never be able to walk the streets again. The only problem with the plan is that everyone but Mello seemed to like it. He thought it would be embarrassing, but instead he was bolstering Light's sex ego.
They were selling far too many.
"I hate to say it, Mello, but when Inspector Yagami tries, he does have a certain sexual appeal…" Matt trailed off, looking warily at Mello as Mello's face turned an angry shade of purple.
"NOT YOU TOO. YOU'RE MY BITCH, NOT HIS!"
The cashier sighed. He had been hearing this for over an hour now, and he was getting rather tired. He looked at Mello as if he really wanted to throw him out. Unfortunately, Mello was his best customer and a mob boss, so it wasn't really an option.
"You photoshopped his abs, didn't you!" Mello griped, sniffing as he surveyed the poster hanging on display.
"…Perhaps."
Matt then realized that his cell phone was ringing. He surveyed the message with raised eyebrows.
"What's that?" Mello asked.
"Light Yagami thanks us for the celebrity status but he thinks we may have put too many bed sheets in the picture."
"Remind me to kill him! In the most painful way imaginable!"