Chapter 30

The Two Halves

(Same day)

I stared up at the canopy of Draco Malfoy's humongous bed, my bare arms above the covers. I was slightly out of breath and I could hear Draco's heavy breathing beside me.

I was very careful not to let any bit of myself brush up against him. I tried to discreetly tuck the sheets in around me.

I wasn't exactly sure what you were supposed to say to someone after you just had sex with them.

I considered just sighing with pleasure and declaring how amazing the sex was, the best I ever had, in fact. Though, I had already told him that I was a virgin before this so the last part wouldn't exactly work.

I could at least tell him it was amazing. Wasn't it important to build up your sex partner's self-esteem? If it wasn't why would so many women bother faking organisms? But was it amazing, really?

While it was happening every little touch was amplified by one hundred, every kiss gave me a high. I was drunk with euphoria, but now that it was over I just felt confused and frankly a little bit overwhelmed. It happened so fast (well in Draco's defense, it wasn't that fast). But it happened fast. I mean, I had just lost my virginity, for goodness sake. Losing your virginity is something that everyone fantasizes about but is way too embarrassed to admit they fantasize about.

I sat up in bed, holding the sheets up to my chest with one hand and pinning them behind me with the other, trying desperately to cover my nudity even though that ship was far gone.

My wand was in the pocket of my robes, which were on the floor on the complete other side of the room, so it wasn't like I could just summon my clothes to me. I would have to go pick them up.

In movies, the beautiful women, who should have probably just had the self-confidence to walk across the room naked, would gently pull the sheets of the bed and wrap them around themselves.

I tried to do this, but Draco was partially on top of sheets so that did not work at all.

"What do you think you are doing?" Draco asked. He had been watching me as I planned my escape from him bed.

"I am leaving," I said timidly as if I was asking permission. "I mean, I probably should go. It is getting late." The more I rambled about leaving the less I wanted to go. I didn't want to go back to Spinner's End and I didn't want to go back to Severus. Just the thought of him made my stomach ache. But I couldn't stay with Draco forever. "I really should leave," I paused, "um, it was really, um, great."

Draco rolled his eyes at me. "No," he said in a drawl, "come here," he ordered me as he patted the bit of bed next to him.

I slowly scooted towards him and laid my head next to his. Our legs touched under the covers. I tried not to move. Draco slid his arm around my shoulders. Closeness. His gentle touch made me relax and I rolled on my side, resting my head on his shoulder and my arm across his chest. He softly stroked my back.

We were just two people in the same screwed up situation, finding a bit comfort in each other.

I had never imagined that my first time would be like this. I always imagined that it would be the final expression of love and passion, not just the means of escape from the real world.

Once a long, long time ago when my world was still silly and carefree, I used to fantasize about having my first time be with David Harper. Sweet, kind, handsome David, whom I loved so much, but that was a nonsensical idea then and it was even stupider now, seeing that he, like everyone else I loved in my other life, thought I was dead.

"Everything is changing in the world, isn't it," whispered Draco as he continues to stroke my back.

"Everything is," I agreed. "But please, let's not talk about that," I said as I leaned over him, kissing him on the lips gently.

His eyes met mine; we both were thinking the same thing and we escaped once more.

August 18, 1997

I awoke in Draco's arms. I felt his warm breath on my cheek. I smiled to myself, still filled with intoxicating bliss from our last escape.

I looked out the window, the sky was still dark.

"Draco," I whispered, kissing him until his eyes opened.

"What?" he asked drowsily.

"What time is it?" I asked

"What?" he said again, blinking his gray eyes, which were heavy with sleep.

"What time is it?"

"Uh," he answered adorably, looking around aimlessly. Apparently, I was asking too much of him so shortly after waking him up. "How am I to know? he said indignantly, "I haven't a watch on."

I smiled. "No matter, I better leave anyway."

I stood up with newly found confidence, to retrieve my clothes. I could feel Draco's eyes on me as I hastily threw on my jeans and t-shirt. He lazily leaned forward, allowing me to kiss him once before he fell back onto his pillow.

I spun on the spot and in a single pop I was gone from Draco and was only a few blocks away from Spinner's End.

I didn't want to see Severus, so I didn't apparate directly into the house in fear of waking him. Although, I couldn't imagine Severus sleeping, if he did maybe he slept upside down like a giant bat. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that he was actually human.

I began to make my way to Spinner's End.

I felt so torn in my feelings for Severus. Part of me loved him beyond all things in the world and felt so much compassion and admiration for him and everything he has been through. But the other part of me, the part that loved my sister, hated Severus from his greasy, black hair to the soles of his black shoes.

It literally hurt to both love and hate someone at the same time. I felt like each half of my body was trying to run in a different direction, tearing my heart in half. I felt that if I truly loved Severus I should forgive him, but if I truly loved Sidney I should hate Severus with every fiber of my being.

"He couldn't help it," said the part of my heart that loved Severus. "He was undercover. He had no choice but to kill her. He must hate himself for what he had to do."

"Hate himself?" said the part of me against Severus, "don't make me laugh, Severus Snape would never feel guilty for anything, he can't even feel anything at all."

"He feels love," argued my other half. "He loves Lily Potter."

"But he doesn't love us," said the half against Severus, in a conclusive yet defeated tone. "He doesn't care about us and he definitely didn't care about Sidney, he could have protected her, he should have saved her."

I was at the door of Professor Snape's house. All the lights seemed to be off, so he must be asleep or out somewhere.

Severus did not have any magical protection on his house so I simply used Alohomora to unlock the door. It was quite stupid of him really because any witch or wizard could just walk right into his house, but I suppose he just figured that his buddies were the scariest guys around so who was there to worry about.

I pushed the door open and walked in.

The room was very dark, only the dim glow of the streetlamps crept its way inside from the open door, but as I shut it I was engulfed in thick darkness, unable to see. Suddenly I became blinded in a new way, by a single bright light in front of me.

I raised my arm up to shield my eyes. When I finally became accustomed to the new light, I was able to see Severus, looking menacing, his lit wand pointed at my face.

"I'd appreciate it if you would lower your wand," I said half shouting. I tried to pass him and go upstairs but he blocked my path before I could even reach the first step.

"Where. Have. You. Been?" He asked holding out every word with building fiery.

I pushed his wand out of my face and tried to get passed him, but he was too quick.

"Do you know what time it is?" He asked angrily as he turned the lights on with magic. Both our eyes flicked towards the clock in the corner of the room. It was about two in the morning.

"Where were you?" he demanded.

"Out," I said stubbornly.

Severus's face suddenly became stony as he glared down at me in the better light.

I lowered my eyes to look down at myself, to see what the problem was.

My shirt was inside out.

I looked back up at him. His expression was of pure disgust. I tried to give him the meanest look I could muster, but I am sure the effect was ruined by how red my face had turned.

I tried to push my way passed him but he was stronger than me. In my anger I completely forgot that I was a witch and could just apparate upstairs.

"Let me through!" I said.

"You are not taking your situation seriously." he grabbed my left wrist and yanked up my sleeve, revealing the dark mark burned onto my skin. "Or have you forgotten?" He said his dark eyes flashing cruelly.

I pulled my arm away. "How could I ever forget!" I said furiously. "Will you move!"
Severus did not move. "You are going to give you self away; you are compromising your position." He sneered at me. "You are making yourself vulnerable and weak." He told me in a venomous hiss.

"I didn't ask for this!" I snapped.

"You did when you disobeyed me," he retorted. "I told you to go upstairs and hide and you foolishly disobeyed."

"Disobeyed!" I shouted. "I was trying to protect you!"

Severus's eyes flashed. "I did not need your protection!" he said raising his voice for the first time. "I had the situation under my control!"

"Under your control," I mocked. "Sure you did. Yes, you could have confunded Draco; you could have modified his memory to forget he ever saw me in the house, fine. But what was The Dark Lord going to do when you failed to do what he asked? What if you hadn't brought me to him? Was he going to pat you on the back and say 'It's alright, Severus, better luck next time.' NO!"

"This is completely beside the point!" Severus said angrily.

"What is the point then?" I asked resentfully.

"The point is that you should not be fooling around," he said fiercely. "You are taking too many risks."

"I don't see any risks," I said stubbornly.

"That is because you are an ignorant child," Severus hissed.

"I am not a child!" I yelled.

"Then stop acting like one!" he retorted. "Stop being so naïve and realize when you are being used."

"USED!" I shrieked. "You think Draco is using me?"

Severus's eyes burned at the first use of Draco's name in the conversation.

"You know nothing about my relationship with, Draco," I snapped at him.

He scowled. "I know that you two are foolish for pursuing one."

"You are just jealous!" I said letting my anger get the best of me. Sidney's face flashed in front of my eyes. "You are lonely and you want everyone to suffer with you! Just because Lily is dead, doesn't me I have to be miserable too!" I regretted those words as soon as they left my lips.

Suddenly an invisible hand slapped me across my face, knocking me backward. Sparks flew from Severus's wand, but he did not have it raised. He had lost control.

I felt too disgusted with myself to stand; I looked up at him from the floor. He was breathing very heavily and his eyes were filled with anger and pain.

"Severus," I breathed, "I didn't mean it."

He turned on the spot and was gone out of thin air.

I stared at the spot where he disapparated for a long time. My words must have really hurt him, based on the way he lost control of his magic like that. I kept seeing his hating yet anguished eyes. I remember him sobbing over Lily's letter.

I was a horrible person. But then again so was he, for killing my little sister.