Chapter 28

Not Hogwarts

(September-March)

Hogwarts is not Hogwarts anymore.

It once was a place of hope and safety. Now it was only a place of daily suffering. Now only the cruel would laugh and even dare to look joyful. It was not a rare occasion to see students with injuries brought upon by their "disobedience." The Carrows ruled the school and the other teachers were helpless against them.

All students were required to take Muggle Studies and The Dark Arts classes.

Alecto would lecture us on our superiority to muggles. "They are all filth," she would tell us on regular bases, "no better than dirty, stupid animals meant only to serve witches and wizards or otherwise be kept as pets."

At first shock of her new curriculum, students with muggle family or friends took to uproar, but Alecto would just send them to detention and they would soon keep their graces.

Students with detentions were turned over to the Carrows. All teachers (except Severus) were required to report their ill-behaved students to the Carrows immediately; although, it so happened that all the students became perfect little angels out of the presence of the Carrows because none of the real teachers ever assigned any detentions, but no matter, the Carrows found plenty of fault with their students, so there was never a shortage of kids to punish.

Punishable students soon became extremely necessary for Amycus Carrow's Dark Arts classes. For it was so much more fun and a more opportune learning experience to practice illegal curses on people.

When asked to perform an unforgivable curse on a peer or friend, many of the cowards would do it out of fear. Some would relish in the chance to cause someone pain and would laugh with pleasure, like a cruel little child with a magnifying glass, burning ants on the pavement. Those who refused to act would be the next victims.

In the course of the last five months, Neville had been the constant subject of all Amycus's classroom projects. He and the Lovegood girl and the redheaded girl were always the ones to be in the most trouble.

The fools tried to steal from the headmaster's office, but Severus caught them as they tried to smuggle out the sword of Gryffindor. Who knows why they wanted the sword so badly, probably just to cause mischief.

They were just fortunate that they did not try to steal from the Carrows, but from Severus it made no difference; he gave them a detention yes, but it was conducted by Professor Hagrid not the Carrows.

Severus was furious that Neville and his friends tried to steal from him, but I don't think that it was the act of stealing that truly bothered him; it was the fact that the students would go to such lengths to create a disturbance and he worried that maybe next time they would not be so fortunate to get caught by him.

Not that he told me any of this. The little I did talk to him we only discussed what information was safe for me to pass on to the Dark Lord. It was always constant discussion of Voldemort and though I had Severus to advise me, I felt very much alone.

I soon learned that I should not come to expect any friendships nor affection from my teachers. I was not trusted. Though, some continued to remain kind to me, most shunned me all together.

Neville still attempted to talk to me, well, that was until sometime in the middle of March when he mysteriously disappeared and soon after him, his redheaded friend followed along with several other students. But I was sure they were safe. I knew they had not been captured, like the Lovegood girl, I couldn't even bear to think of her, but if they had been taken, I would have known about it. Sometimes when walking through the halls at night, I would think I had caught a glimpse of Neville, but then when I would turn to look again he would be gone.

I was so lonely.

I stopped seeing Draco. At first he tried to persuade me, catching my hand as I walked by, whispering secret meeting places in my ear, but I never would meet him and soon he gave up. I just could no longer bear to be so close to anyone. I could just not bear to feel anything.

I fell into a state of absentness as if I were stuck in autopilot; I could think and function, but I was not in the driver's seat. I was just watching my life pass by from the passenger's seat. I was constantly cold because I was out of my body with no skin to keep me warm.

The Dark Lord was happy with my work for him and I bore his presence and all the unpleasantness his presence brings with a numb, ghostlike air, floating inches above my body, yet still earth bond.

He would praise me and as he did this I seemed to become less and less human. It was only when the Dark Lord would invite me across the threshold of that side room would I be painfully forced back into my body, pulled into my own vat of suppressed emotions, feeling as human as it is possible to feel, but in the worst sense, so vulnerable, so weak. But as my visits to that room became more frequent, I began to give up the struggle and sometimes I wouldn't even scream. And then when it was over I would find my nothingness again.