Brightheart: (sitting on top of a pink fluffy cloud wearing a purple wizard's hat with yellow stars) do you crave excitement?
Thornclaw: (looking around) Do what now?
Brightheart: Do you need something to make the day go by faster?
Thornclaw: Not particularly…where are you going with this? (begins frowning)
Brightheart: Well I got just the thing for you! Introducing the One Moon in Five Seconds potion! The steps are easy to follow, so anyone can do it! From tiny little kits who can somehow speak in full sentences, to the elderly! You just pour this on the ground like so (empties bottle of green liquid on dirt ground) and wait to see instant results!
[ground shakes slightly, then tree falls over in a distance, followed by cursing]
Brightheart: Oops. That was not what I thought it was. That was the Make A Tree Fall Down on Tigerclaw potion.
Tigerclaw: (in a distance) Haven't I been punished enough?!
Bluestar: (yowls in anger in a distance after previous statement)
Thornclaw: (shaking head)
Brightheart: No matter! You can get all you magical needs down at the Magical Warehouse!
[Thornclaw and Brightheart are transported to a 55 foot tall oak tree with a door glued on it.]
Thornclaw: Where are we?!
Brightheart: Dude, I already told you. (Gestures at building) Come, come! Follow me on a journey to experience the endless magical possibilities. (Grabs Thornclaw's shoulder as she waves her hand in the air in front of her)
[Both cats walk inside of the oak tree, which "magically" disappears once they're inside]
Brightheart: Ah ha! Now it is time for you to learn the first rule of magic: never trust anyone!
Thornclaw: What does that have to do with magic?
(A trio of large demonic rabbits stampedes through the warehouse, trampling Thornclaw.)
Thornclaw: (on ground) all right.
Tigerclaw: (looking at Brightheart) you there. If someone were to…hypothetically poison someone, where would that be in this store?
Brightheart: Ha, ha. Nice try. This is good old fashioned normal magic here. I would never create something that can be used to harm another cat. Shark, maybe. You would have to speak with our resource department, where they can locate you to the Voodoo Hut.
Tigerclaw: (sighs) Fine. Wait a minute that tree fell on me! (Begins snarling)
Brightheart: (nodding) yeah…well…you're evil. Side note: where are we getting the money for all these shows, cameras, commercials…etc?
Bluestar: (in a distance) don't worry about it! I have my ways! Stop breaking the fourth wall!
Brightheart: That's not breaking the fourth wall. THIS is breaking the fourth wall: how long is this story going to last? Also, why are there cats interacting with other cats who were previously killed in other books?
Bluestar: I will strike you down…
Brightheart: (Facing camera) Do not feel left out! ANYONE…except sharks…CAN EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC! Do you wanna get back at your friend for telling on you for blowing up that rock on Ye Olde Hill, we have the solution!
[kitten squeaks on the other side of the warehouse]
Brightheart: If…oh, who was that? Oh, that was Wafflekit. Why is he named that? I don't know. Maybe because he smells like a waffle. He works here. That's right! Kits work here…for 2 minutes a day! They are in charge of everything. So…think about that the next time you wanna buy something here because I'm not changing anything.
[A bottle of pink liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]
Brightheart: (voice over) If you wake up one day and decide, "hmm, I'm a fatty." Then this is right for you! It will make you fatter! That's right! I bet you thought I was gonna say something else! You couldn't be more wrong! It's your body, you chose to be fat! Now you have to suffer the consequences! There's no potion for fixing your life! Actually, there is! But you must pay trillions upon trillions of dollars for it!
[A bottle of purple liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]
Brightheart: (voice over) Now this really is something special! This is called the "I Do Not Like Your Face" potion. If you hate someone's face…example, how Sandstorm probably doesn't like Spottedleaf's face…all you have to do is pay me in 1,000 rabbits, I'll give you the potion, then all you have to do is hold down the other person with the horribly disgusting\beautiful face that you don't like because you're a jealous you-know-what and in seconds, their face turns into a screen that only plays "Divergent". That's right! Only "Divergent"…and then "Insurgent". It's illegal and I don't care!
Thornclaw: What's a "Divergent"?
Brightheart: I'm not allowed to tell you! You will read the book, then you will watch the movie! And in that order!
[A bottle of black liquid sits on a spinning table in front of a blue background]
Brightheart: (standing next to the display) Ah, now this is tricky. (Lightly taps bottle) This is the Armageddon potion. (Speaking in happy tone of voice) If this bottle is ever opened, the world will end! That's right! All life on Earth as we know it will come to a horrible, fiery end filled with never-ending despair and torture! (Claps hands together)
Thornclaw: (screams) WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!
Brightheart: (coldly) I am half blind. (Pointing to scar) From that day on I possessed an evil side to me. (Happy) but luckily my happiness outweighs that. (Coldly) but only slightly,
Tigerclaw: (staring at the bottle, waving his tail with joy) YES! Oh, this is much better than poison! MUCH better! (Gives a loud yowl as he lunges for the bottle. The liquid spills over the grass floor. An alarm then begins to blare loudly)
Brightheart: Hmm. We have 1 minute to evacuate the building before we all die.
Thornclaw: WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO END! WE ARE ALL GOING TO D*** DIE!
Brightheart: Oh…I guess you're right.
[Screen shows a row of potions on a spinning background with "Wide Awake" playing in the background. Sounds of Thornclaw yelling at Brightheart and cursing at Tigerclaw can be heard, along with the sounds of sirens]
Narrator: Order right now for a final markdown on all these fabulous potions! It's the End of The World Closeout Event!
Thornclaw: (off-screen) HOW DID YOU HAVE TIME TO PLAN THIS?!
Brightheart: (off-screen) I am bankrupt! I was planning to set this place on fire yesterday!
P.A: 10 seconds. 9 seconds. 8 seconds. 7 seconds. 6 seconds. 5 seconds…
Brightheart: I did not think this through.
[large explosion occurs, wiping out entire forest…then the world]
Don't worry! Everyone survived! Except now everyone is either a demon or an angel! Also, Bluestar is planning to harm Brightheart and Tigerclaw! Mainly Brightheart!