Whitestorm: (standing in front of a large desk with a silver paw print on the front of it. The room is dimly lit.) Four contestants from around the United States come here today for the chance to win 10,000 dollars. I don't know what a cat would want with 10,000 dollars, but who am I to judge? I mean that very literally. A panel of three judges will be critiquing the contestants' dishes.
There will be three rounds. One cat will be eliminated each round. Soon there will be only two cats remaining to face off for the 10,000 dollar grand prize. (Whitestorm cocks head) Can you believe that there is a Canadian version of this show? I would have rather seen an Australian one. I LOVE their accents! (Sadly) I wish I had an Australian accent.
{Title sequence shows picture of a trio of salmon doing the shuffle}
Whitestorm: Uh…Never mind. Well, the contestants are here. We have Dappletail, sprit of Redtail, and Runningwind here as judges. (turns to Redtail) You look quite angry.)
Redtail: (darkly) I'm dead.
Whitestorm: Oh yeah…well…you will have your revenge someday. (turns to Runningwind) You also look quite angry.
Runningwind: I'm dead.
Whitestorm: What? You too? How is that-
Runningwind: I'd tell you, but the length of time it would take for me to explain to you would take several years. It would also involve breaking the fourth wall, which I think we've done that too much already.
Whitestorm: Did we have a character do something that shouldn't have happened yet?
Runningwind: Yep.
Whitestorm: Huh. Oh, well. Let's continue that. (turns towards a small golden she-cat) This is Sunpaw. (squints eyes) make that Sunkit.
Sunkit: (meows)
Whitestorm: Well, I'm sorry if I've offended you. It is Sunpaw.
Sunpaw: (meows)
Whitestorm: (pads over to Onewhisker) You have traveled a long way here.
Onewhisker: I enjoy cooking.
Whitestorm: What?
Onewhisker: (gives Whitestorm blank, wide-eyed stare) Mostly dirt. I'm not allowed to play with fire any more.
Whitestorm: You're odd. (pads over to Silverstream) You seem nervous.
Silverstream: I don't want to be seen by anyone.
Whitestorm: We are being televised right now.
Silverstream: I don't know what that means.
Whitestorm: Ignorance is bliss. (pads over to Tigerclaw) Do you have a death wish or something?
Tigerclaw: Don't get mad at me! For some reason, I keep appearing every time one of you idiots decide to do something.
Whitestorm: Hmm. You know what? Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you what's going to happen to you. (Walks away.)
Tigerclaw: What's going to happen to me? Tell me! TELL ME NOW!
Whitestorm: No! (turns towards other contestants) The ingredients that you have to incorporate into your dish are: boiled shoe, pasta, an HP 17-inch 64-bit laptop with Windows 8.1 operating system, and the entire "Junie B Jones" series.
Onewhisker: Wait, only one of those things are food.
Silverstream: What is a laptop?
Tigerclaw: This is idiotic.
Whitestorm: You will all have 20 minutes to make an appetizer. You will also be allowed to use ingredients from the kitchen area.
Onewhisker: I'm still having a problem with us having to use a laptop in something that people have to eat-
Whitestorm: Time starts now. (stands on two legs and slowly wobbles over to where the judges are.) Oh, god. That hurts. (begins panting heavily)
Onewhisker: (Staring at basket full of "ingredients".) This doesn't make any sense!
Silverstream: Wow, this is what Graystripe is doing? I feel sorry for him.
Tigerclaw: How would you know what he's doing?
Silverstream: (staring at Tigerclaw, then grabs laptop and throws it at him)
Redtail: HEY! HEY! TIGERCLAW! LOOK OVER HERE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! (pounds table with left paw in anger)
Tigerclaw: (rubbing his head) I don't know what you're trying to accomplish. No matter what you do to me in revenge, you'll still be dead.
Redtail: COME OVER HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE, YOU COWARD!
Tigerclaw: No thank you, but I will kill you again if I have to. And that's a promise, not a threat. (stares at the boiled brown boot in front of him) I'll kill you along with the f****** idiot who came up with these ingredients.
Whitestorm: (talking to audience) Surprise, surprise, I'M the one who came up with them. (laughs evilly)
Redtail: HEY! HEY, IDIOT! YOU ONLY HAVE 10 MINUTES TO MAKE SOMETHING, YOU WORTHLESS B*****D!
Tigerclaw: I'm not doing this!
Onewhisker: Yeah, me neither. (large fire spreads around him, but goes unnoticed by him)
Silverstream: SWEET GOD, PUT IT OUT!
Onewhisker: (still not noticing the fire behind him) I don't know what you're talking about.
Silverstream: YOU'RE STOVE IS ON FIRE!
Onewhisker: (STILL not noticing fire) You are mistaken, (shaking head slowly) this is not my stove. This stove is property of Food Network.
Silverstream: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! SOMEONE PUT IT OUT! WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!
Tigerclaw: The "genius" here had it on the stove, so…now it's on fire.
Whitestorm: 30 seconds.
Redtail: OOH! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, YOU TIGERCLAW B*****D! YOU'RE SCREWED NOW!
Silverstream: HOW ARE YOU ALL WORRIED ABOUT TIME?! THIS KITCHEN IS ON FIRE! FORGET THIS, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE! (Runs towards the exit. Stops, grabs Sunpaw, then resumes running)
Onewhisker: (Finally acknowledges the fire, which has now spread to the other stations.) Oooohh! That's what she was talking about. (Laughed softly) I had no idea- HOLY CRAP WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THIS! AND I'M TAKING THE HP! (Swipes up HP laptop before running out of the room)
Whitestorm: Time! (Looks around) Oh, am I the only idiot still here? Nope, there's Tigerclaw. (Faces judges) why aren't you running.
Redtail and Runningwind: (in unison) we're dead.
Whitestorm: Oh, yeah. What about you? (Staring at Dappletail)
Dappletail: I have good karma, so the Magical Birds of Eden shall come and pick me up and escort me out of here.
(two large white birds with flaming feathers crash through the ceiling and gently grab Dappletail by her shoulders and begin to carry her up out through the hole)
Dappletail: Goodbye! (Waving down to Whitestorm)
Whitestorm: Jesus, Bluestar had put us in a lot of situations where people get killed or almost killed. We need to elect a new leader, 'cause I'm tired of this bulls*** (throws of tie he was wearing and briskly walks out of building, leaving Redtail, Runningwind and Tigerclaw alone in a raging inferno)
Runningwind: (turns towards Redtail) Wanna play checkers?
Redtail: Yes, But first, I want to take care of something right quick. (glares at Tigerclaw as he laughs evilly) Oh, today is a great day for Redtail. (pads towards Tigerclaw as he rubs paws together)