It feels like forever since I last updated and I am so sorry for that! I hope you all enjoy this little installment. Happy Reading!
Where is My Mind: Smith Girls version.
Happiness can only exist in acceptance…I read that somewhere, once. Or maybe my mother read it to me. Either way, no matter the source, they were right. Finnick and I were only happy after we had accepted our fate, unfortunately, at the time we thought our fate was just to go on with life, shut away from the world. Little did either of us know home was farther away as each day passed and the arena was so much closer.
I was twenty- two. It had been the three-year anniversary of my parents' deaths. I had spent three years in practical solitude. Finnick was gone more now, mentoring his tributes, courting the Capitol. Both were unsettling thoughts with even worse memories. Some years I would attempt to help mentor, but feigning madness made me unstable. So, I stayed unstable in District Four. I stayed unstable for all the world to see. When I went out to the market, they all stared, stared like I would break into a million pieces, like I was a ticking time bomb ready to shatter at the pull of a pin. When I went to see Finnick's parents, although they welcomed me with open arms…they knew I was crumbling. But holding things together became easier over time. If ever I was lost, I tied knots.
Finnick had just turned twenty-four. We were happy and we were together, that's all I could have wanted. The reminder of the upcoming reaping loomed over us, but tonight, like the night before our first painful introduction to the reality of the Games, was ours.
"What'd you wish for?" I asked him when he blew out the candle on the small cake his mother made for our little party.
"I don't know." He said, leaning back on the blanket I had laid out on the beach. It was nice, the small picnic we had to celebrate another year of Finn's life. His parents and brother joined us earlier in the day, but at this point, they left us alone to a private celebration. "I have everything, don't I?"
I watched the waves, leaning into his arms, "I don't know…do you?" I asked quietly. The stars were hidden by clouds.
He nodded, "I do." He said, as he started listing off blessings. "I have my health. My family. Fame. Fortune. You…" Finnick looked down at me with his deep sea green eyes.
I smirked, "You have me?" I asked, lifting my eyebrow.
Finnick smiled and then blushed, "Well, not officially…but…" He chuckled nervously and then in seriousness asked, "Do you like this?"
"Do I like what?" He seemed fidgety. I watched him clench his jaw and then relax.
He shrugged, still holding his arm around me tightly. "That we're not really anything."
I frowned, still watching the waves crash over one another, "Aren't we?"
Finnick shook his head, letting his bronze hair fall into his eyes. "Yeah, but I mean…I don't know. I love you." He said, squeezing me.
"That's enough for me." I told him, kissing him on the cheek. It was a different moment of longing for Finnick. One that made sense, but it lingered in territory we were too scared to enter.
"You don't ever want to get married?" He asked me, his deep voice was low matching the rumbling of the waves.
I shrugged, creating a small distance between us, "I mean…yeah Finn…but you and I both know that won't happen."
He seemed shock. "Why not?" He questioned the obvious reason.
I watched him, curiously. "They would never let us…and how would being married change anything for us?" I asked quietly, falling back into his arms.
Finnick smirked, a trace of the young boy I first met in it. "Well, it would change a few things now wouldn't it?" He lifted an eyebrow with a sly grin.
I smiled back, biting my lip and nodding my head, as I let my raw, rope-burned hands reach up to his face. "Oh I see," I said, playing his game of tongue and cheek. I climbed over him, "Well, if that's what you wanted Mr. Odair…" I said, sitting in his lap and placing one hand on his cheek, letting the other tug at his shirt.
He chuckled, and rolled me over, holding me so my head didn't hit the ground. He rested his head on my chest, and then pulled himself up to look me in the eye. He was smiling and I pushed my hands through his hair, pulling him closer to me. We were inches apart, nose to nose. "No. I want a Mrs. Odair," He said pulling away from me, while pushing my hair from my face. The breeze pulled us apart. He sat up.
"Finn…" I started, following his actions. I stared at him, worried now. We both knew it was an unrealistic dream.
"Would you marry me?" He asked, his face serious but his eyes full of hope.
I sighed with a small, sympathetic smile. "I mean of course I would but let's be realistic…" I said, letting my voice trail into the wind.
He shook his head and then grabbed my hands, forcing me to face him. "No. Let's not," He said with a bright grin. His smile was so beautiful. "Marry me, Annie Cresta," He said, crossing my wrists to mime his. He intertwined our fingers and kissed the bruises on my fingertips. "If you want to," He chuckled into my flesh, pressing his forehead to mine.
I bit my lip and then grinned, pushing him down. "Of course!" I squeaked. "Yes of course I want to." I smiled, kissing his lips, then I fell, letting my head rest against his collar bone, "But aren't you afraid the Capitol will attack us…?" I asked, tracing patterns into his shirt.
His kissed the top of my head, holding me tightly. "No. I'm not worried about the Capitol."
"Ok," I agreed. I reached back up to his lips, sealing our decision with a kiss. "Ok, then let's get married." I said, then taking the ring he had given to me almost six years ago on my left ring finger. It was official. We were engaged and soon he would be forever mine.
Finnick had a plan brewing in his mind, but never told me. It wasn't until the reaping I began to understand. "We're going back in the games!" I screamed when the announcement aired. "How is this happening?" I collapsed on the couch in my parent's old living room.
"Annie, don't worry." Finnick stood behind me, eyes still glued to the screen. The muted laughter from the television made me cringe.
I shot up, "Don't worry? Finnick we're going back to that damned arena where only one comes out! Everything ends for us then!" I said, my petite hands wrapped around his shoulders, but even shaking Finnick didn't seem to faze him.
He pulled his strong arms around me, encasing my frantic body, "No Ann, don't think like that." He told me, watching me with a warning eye.
I tried to push him away but he held me there. I glared at him, "How do you want me to think?" I asked facetiously with a clenched jaw.
Finnick became very serious with me. His jaw tightened. His eyes watched me with a new intensity. "That we'll make it." He stooped down to my level, looking me in the eye, looming over me in a protective stance. He grabbed my shoulders, "There are several other victors in Four, Ann. The odds might be in our favor this time."
I shook my head hopelessly, "The odds are never in our favor, Finn," I breathed.
And I was right. My name was called. But this time I didn't pretend to be ok. I fell apart for the world to see…again. I collapsed to my knees as my heart dropped. "No!" I screamed. "No, no, no!" Tears streamed down my face. It was over. I buried my face in my hands. The reality of surviving once was strained enough…surviving twice, that was an impossibility. I was lost, and had nothing to pine for or reach after. I felt two bodies approach me and readied myself for the Peacekeepers to take me away, but they didn't. Strong hands wrapped around my body, "Annie, Annie darling, you have to trust me." He whispered in my ear.
"I volunteer for Miss Cresta." I heard a woman cry out. Mags was the body to my left. She stood tall. My heart crumbled as Mags stood up to take my place, and as Finnick left my side. He was called too. "Finnick…" I called when he and Mags were asked to choose their mentors. Finnick ran to my side.
"Annie, I need you to mentor me." He ordered.
I had never been asked to mentor. I didn't know anything about keeping tributes alive. "Finnick, I…" I started, shaking my head. Doubt filled my mind, tormenting my every thought. I would kill him. I wouldn't know how to save him. I couldn't get him sponsors. Slowly, I started to leave Finnick and the world I knew and packed up to a place I often escaped.
"No baby, I need you. I need you to stay with me." Finnick said, shaking me, bringing me back.
Urgency filled my voice, "You have to come out of there Finn."
His sea green eyes fell pale. "I'm going to try my best, love," He told me quietly, stroking my cheek.
That wasn't good enough. I shook my head, "No. I need you to promise." My hands wrapped so tightly around his arms, I was afraid he would float away from me.
There was a softness in his touch. "I can't do that this time Ann." He said, holding my face in his hands.
"What's going on?" I asked, searching his eyes.
Finnick shook his head, his strong jaw clenched and then he sighed, "I can't tell you here."
"Where can you tell me?" I asked, pushing for details, pushing for answers.
Finnick stood over me and then pulled me into a tight embrace, "I don't know if I can tell you at all," He muttered.
I tried to push him away, "Finnick stop keeping secrets from me." But he was stronger than me.
"I'm sorry baby," He said kissing the top of my head and pressing me against him.
I tried to fight off tears. They were pointless now. But I couldn't choke back my sobbing, "I-I hate this." I cried into his shirt. The small grasp I had on hope was slipping away.
His hold on me was secure. I felt safer under his touch, and the thought of losing that destroyed me. "I know my love," He whispered. "I know." Our plans were silly. To think we'd ever be happy in the Districts…to think the Capitol would ever leave us alone was foolish. We would never truly be together. We would never be happy, because we would never be able to accept the injustice that was Panem. "Stay with me, please." He begged in a gentle whisper. A lure.
I felt the heavy weight of the ring on my finger, "Always." I would stay strong for him, even though the thought of losing him forever lingered in the back of my mind, threatening my stability.