Chapter 12

New York City. Augusta. Concord. Providence. Buffalo. Philadelphia. D.C. Richmond. Charlotte. Atlanta. Orlando. Miami. Jacksonville. Memphis. Louisville. Cincinnati. Cleveland. Detroit. Indianapolis. Chicago. Milwaukee. St. Paul. Omaha. Topeka. St. Louis. Little Rock. Tulsa. Dallas. Houston. San Antonio. Santa Fe. Denver. Rapid City. Billings. Boise. Salt Lake City. Spokane. Seattle. Portland. Carson City. San Francisco. Las Vegas. Los Angeles.

Six months.

43 American cities.

11 million fans.

And countless lonely nights.

New York City through Atlanta were finished. Next was Orlando.

It'd been nearly a month since she'd seen Tobias at her performance at Madison Square Garden. She was extremely homesick—for not only the UK and New York, but Tobias also. She desperately craved him physically, but but also just wanted his presence. They, of course, always texted, called, snapchatted. She missed having him by her side when she slept. She missed having him to hold onto when the press became too much to handle. She missed having him to kiss her and make her feel like she wasn't just a robot who sang. She missed having him. She missed him. She wanted to see him anywhere but a screen.

She especially wanted to see him since their one-year anniversary would be on the day she performed in Orlando. Her tour has been so detrimental to their relationship, and the both of them knew it. They weren't as close as they once were and they certainly didn't open up as much. They've never discussed taking a break, which eased Tris. That was the last thing she wanted, and she was quite sure he hadn't wanted that either. But after the previous day, she wasn't too sure. They'd gotten into it a little over something stupid. She wanted to figure out a way to see him in between cities, and he told her it wasn't possible and that her tour was more important.

Tris's performance was eight o'clock that night, and it was 7:30. Still no call from Tobias. She contemplated calling him. In fact, multiple times, she'd picked the phone and almost pressed the green call button. She didn't have the courage though.

She sat backstage with her long performing outfit on, alone. Her little bit of make-up was finished, and she was waiting for the opening act to finish up. She stared at herself in the mirror, the lightbulbs around it glowing brighter than the sun.

Is this really who you want to be?

The answer was not black and white. It's was purple and red and yellow and green. She didn't know who she wanted to be. She wanted to sing and write songs, but she also didn't want the fame and fortune. It was overrated and not for her. But she'd dug a hole, and now she couldn't escape it. It was too deep and too thick.

"Tris, you're on in five," the stage director announced to her through the door.

She stood up, grabbed the microphone from her director, and walked to the edge of the stage.

"All right," he said, "Five, four, three, two…"

And so she walked. And so she performed. And so she got energized. And so she acted like her life was perfect—which, all in all, she did have a pretty great life, and she knew it. But she knew it just wasn't right for her.

The audience roared and applause thundered throughout the arena when she finished. She turned around one last time to see the audience.

Tris turned away. She entered the dressing room and immediately checked her phone. Nothing. From anyone. A blank screen. A sigh rose from her. She put her elbows on the desk and her face in her hands. Then a knock on the door.

Another sigh, but she mumbled through her hands, "Come in." She figured it was her stage director, so she added, "What do you want?"

The director paused for a second. "You."

Tris lifted her head from her hands, snapping it up to see the only man she wanted to see.

"Tobias," she said with a smile. "Are you actually here, or am I hallucinating from my lack of sleep?"

He laughed. "I'm entirely real."

She didn't have the energy to go and tackle him with kisses or run and jump into his arms like every cliché romantic comedy she watched with Tobias. She simply couldn't she barely will herself to get up and walk over to hug him.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered into his chest. She glanced up at him and smiled, and then kissed him.

"I'm sorry if you were expecting a big run and dramatic jump into your arms. I'm just… Babe, I'm so tired," said Tris with a sigh. "And I just—I want everyone to have the best time of their life at this concert. I want that for them, because they are the reason I can do this. But… I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm just so stressed and—and we have 32 more cities to go. 32! I don't think—"

"Tris," he said calmly. "Sh." And then he hugged her like nothing was wrong.

She was on the brink of tears, and everything was wrong. Nothing was right.

"Honey, it's okay. It's okay. You can do this. You're strong. This is nothing compared to the hell you've been through in your life."

Tris squeezed her eyes tighter as she hugged her man. "I need you," she whispered hoarsely. "I didn't think I would, but I do."

"Honey…"

He didn't say anything else for the next couple minutes. He stood there and held her, which was the only thing that made her forget who and where she was. That was how much she loved him.

"Do you want to go back to the bus? We can cuddle and watch Notting Hill," he suggested.

She looked up and smiled as she nodded. "That sounds pretty fantastic."

When they arrived, Tris showed him around the tour bus. They settled in on the bus, not wasting any time. Tris showed him around the smallish tour bus. They stood in front of the TV. Notting Hill was in Tris's Recently Watched on Netflix, and she could tell that Tobias noticed it.

"I watch it when I miss you," she says, soft and shy.

He smiled and kissed her forehead.

"I watch it a lot." She looked up at him, full of affection. She noted that his eyes were full of life, while hers were normally dull. But with him… Well, with him it was different. She felt a spark awaken her; she was alive, and she loved every second of it. Her eyes suddenly weren't dull and lifeless, but full of passion and audacity. And to think, they weren't even touching and he gave her that feeling. She was overwhelmed with want. She wanted his lips on hers, his hands caressing her, and his eyes gazing at her, craving her as much as she craved him.

Tobias's arms snaked around her waist, and hers went to encase his jawline. She went weak, and then they collided. Their love was more impactful than the Big Bang. More explosive than the asteroid that ended the Cretaceous Period. More of an inquiry than religion.

Their lips pressed against each other's harder and harder by the second, until they pulled apart, breathing. Tobias leaned forward again, and Tris pulled her head back a little, hesitant. And then she sighed and let him kiss her again. She ceded into him, but still remained strong enough to tease him to the point where he groaned.

He pulled back and smiled, and Tris back at him. "Your dress looks beautiful on you."

She gave him a weird look, raising an eyebrow. "Thank you."

"But it'd look better on the floor."

She grinned and rolled her eyes. "And though you look quite dashing in this t-shirt and jeans," she laughed, "I think that they'd look a lot better, well, on the floor."

Tobias laughed and kissed her once again.