Chapter 4: In Which The Newly-Won, But Incredibly Guilty, Heart of Maid Merlin Prompts Her to Reveal a Secret to Sir Gwaine
Merlin was walking down the hall after mucking out Arthur's stables when Gwaine found her. Her eyes widened when she heard him call, "Merlin!"
Biting her lip, she turned around. He was walking towards her purposefully, carrying- flowers. Gwaine, drunk Gwaine, never-gives-a-rat's-hat Gwaine, love 'em and leave 'em Gwaine had bought flowers.
Merlin could feel the blush already.
When Gwaine stopped in front of her, she could see that he was almost as nervous as she was. However, he did stop to take her in for a moment, and she could only imagine the sight she must be: clothes a mess, hair rumpled, and covered in a mixture of hay, water, muck, and dung. Not really how she had pictured this situation.
He cleared his throat. "Arthur still working you hard, then?"
"Punishment," Merlin said with a roll of her eyes. Insulting Arthur. Comfortable ground for them both. "For missing his breakfast a few days ago and showing up hungover."
"Sorry about that," Gwaine said awkwardly, scratching his head.
"No!" Merlin said sharply, startling them both. She wiped her hands on her breeches (she really should try wearing dresses more, but they were hardly practical for doing Arthur's chores, and incredibly uncomfortable). But because her breeches were as dirty as the rest of her, all this really did was spread the dirt around. She grimaced.
"I just meant," she said, uncharacteristically nervous, "That it's not your fault. And I had fun. So Arthur can just shove off."
Gwaine chuckled and looked nervously at his hands. Seeming to realize that he held flowers for the first time, he held them out to her. "For you."
Merlin took them carefully, trying to avoid getting any dirt on the white petals. She couldn't keep the surprise from her voice when she said, "They're lovely!"
"But?" Gwaine prodded.
"Did you pick them out yourself?" Merlin asked, in a tone of voice that clearly stated that she thought he didn't. Gwaine may have been a man of many talents, she rationalized, but trying to picture him buying flowers was something she couldn't really do.
"It was Lancelot's idea," Gwaine admitted, and Merlin, who had been delicately sniffing the flowers, snorted.
"Of course," she sighed happily. Gwaine, apparently deciding that things were going well, took a deep breath.
"Are you free for lunch tomorrow?" he asked her. Merlin looked up at him in surprise, almost dropping the flowers. She had seen Gwaine flirt with countless women- he was usually much smoother. His abruptness and nervousness unsettled her.
"I think so," Merlin said slowly. "I'd probably have to clear it with Arthur."
"Oh, leave him to me," Gwaine smirked. Merlin still looked at him, confusedly. After a moment, she asked, "Why did you want to know my plans for lunch?"
"Oh!" Gwaine said, and Merlin almost giggled. "I was- well- I know how much you enjoy the outdoors, and considering how fair the weather has been, I thought you might want to partake in a picnic. With me. Tomorrow."
"Sounds lovely," Merlin said cheerfully and without hesitation. "Sorry, but I should go get cleaned off before I stink up the castle. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"
"Yes," Gwaine nodded, before calling Merlin back. "No- wait!"
Merlin turned around, already having walked a few feet. She raised her eyebrows, not really sure what he wanted. "Yes?"
"You realize that this is a date, don't you, Merlin?" Gwaine asked. He seemed to have regained his composure, and was smirking leisurely, but Merlin had spent enough time with him to know that this was his I'm-nervous-and-frightened-but-don't-want-you-to-know-it-smirk, not his I'm-perfectly-content-and-confident-and-maybe-a-little-bit-hungry-smirk.
Deciding not to let onto the fact that, despite Arthur's and Gwen's assurances, no, Merlin hadn't actually been sure, Merlin rolled her eyes and walked quickly up to him. She was sure now. She planted a quick kiss on his cheek and squeezed his hand.
As she left, Merlin called over her shoulder, "Of course I do! I'm not that thick!"
When she rounded the corner, she caught a brief glimpse of Gwaine, who was smiling happily, blissfully unaware of the small bit of manure on his cheek.
It didn't take long for Merlin's good mood to fade. The longer and longer she thought about what she had to agreed to, the worse she felt.
It wasn't that she regretted her decision to go on the picnic with Gwaine.
She didn't.
Merlin just felt so guilty.
Gwaine was her best friend, and he told her everything. In turn, she tried to do the same, but there was one big secret that she had yet to reveal to him: her magic. It made things hard, with Gwaine, sometimes, when he was so open with her (surprisingly so, it turned out), and she couldn't always reciprocate because her magic continued to get in the way.
So much of her existence was centered around her magic. Her destiny. And Merlin couldn't tell him. Because of that, with Gwaine, Merlin missed much of the freedom she had when talking with somebody, like, say, Lancelot, who knew about her magic.
Merlin had considered telling Gwaine about her magic so many times it was ridiculous, but something always seemed to come up.
It just wasn't fair, to him or her.
She was hiding a major part of her life from him, the one thing that made her who she was, the thing that, when she was feeling down or sad or generally annoyed at being a servant and having people always treating her like an idiot, reminded her that her time would come.
One day, a time would come when magic was free in Camelot, and Albion was at peace, and she could serve and protect Arthur without having to hide herself from everybody.
It was that thought that gave Merlin the strength to keep her secret from Gwaine in the beginning. The thought that, no matter what, nothing was going to get in the way of that dream, not even her best friend, especially not when she had no real way of knowing how Gwaine would react.
Even after she had gotten to know him better, she had held onto that thought like a lifeline, even though her grip grew more and more weak.
And now...
Gwaine had clearly decided that their level of friendship and trust and intimacy meant that it was time for them to try taking their relationship in a new direction.
Merlin knew that Gwaine didn't usually make those sort of decisions concerning women (Merlin had never met a woman who had kept Gwaine occupied for more than a week), which meant that, for whatever reasons, he had decided that she was special enough to make an exception.
The thought sickened her, now, because, even though he had always been honest with her, she couldn't say the same towards him.
The most obvious (and really only) solution to the problem was simply telling Gwaine her secret, but this solution had the unpleasant consequence of having to deal with his reaction, which may not be good, for a number of reasons.
But keeping her secret was tearing her up inside.
And so the debate continued, for the rest of the day. As she went about the rest of her chores, Merlin wrestled with the issue constantly. Some of it must have shown on her face because, when she finally arrived home (excited for dinner and eager for some sleep), she found not only Gaius waiting for her, but Lancelot.
He rose from the bench when he saw her.
"Lancelot?" she asked, greeting him with a quick hug before sitting down. He followed. "What are you doing here? It's late."
"I know," Lancelot said nodding, before taking a sip of his water, which Gaius had no doubt given him. "But you looked troubled all day and I wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine," Merlin said, unconvincingly. "Just- peachy."
"Merlin," Lancelot said firmly.
"It's Gwaine," she admitted, sitting down. Gaius looked up from the tonic he was making, but otherwise said nothing. Lancelot shook his head.
"You shouldn't be worrying about a thing like that," Lancelot said. "If you wanted to tell him no, you could've. He's a big boy. One girl's rejection won't keep him down for long- even if it was you."
Merlin was already denying it. "No! No, nothing- nothing like that."
She stopped not really sure how to go about explaining this. Finally, she said, "I just feel so guilty, keeping things from him. I mean, I always did, but it's worse now that he's- you know."
"Made his feelings for you more obvious," Lancelot suggested. Merlin nodded. Lancelot added, "And now that you seem to have decided that you reciprocate those feelings."
Merlin nodded, gnawing at her lip so hard that she worried that she would soon taste blood. Lancelot tapped her cheek lightly, to get her to stop. She did, but instead brought one of her hands up to bite her nails.
After a moment, Lancelot leaned forward and captured her hands in his, pulling them down and squeezing reassuringly. "You've known Gwaine for years, Merlin. Do you honestly believe that he would hold your magic against you?"
"No," Merlin said after a moment. "Not really. But it's not just that. What if he's okay with my magic, but hates me for keeping the secret? And is it fair to have him have to keep the secret, too? I already hate that you and Gaius know. It puts you in danger everyday, and could I really do that to him? I mean-? I can't- I don't-! Gaius," Merlin implored, turning to the only father figure she really had in her life. "Tell me what to do."
"I can't help you here, Merlin," Gaius, who had been listening intently and who had obviously figured out the gist of the situation, said apologetically. "This is for you to decide. I can tell you only this: from what I have seen, Gwaine would go to the ends of the Earth for you, and that would include happily keeping your secret, from what I can see. Do not feel guilty about telling him, that's for certain."
Lancelot nodded. "Do not feel guilty about Gaius or myself, either, my friend. I think I speak for us both when I say that we are honored to be there for you in anyway we can. If Gwaine wouldn't feel the same, then I clearly don't know him as well as I thought did, and neither do you."
Merlin was quiet for a few minutes, just mulling it over, going over the same points she had considered, but thinking about what Lancelot and Gaius had said.
With the matter of her guilt over revealing her secret to him resolved, it didn't take her long to come to a decision.
Merlin stood up abruptly, startling both Gaius and Lancelot.
She nodded in their direction. "I'm going to tell him."
"Good!" Lancelot said.
Gaius frowned, though. "Now, Merlin? At this hour?"
"Yes, now," Merlin agreed. "It's not that late, especially not for Gwaine. He would have just gotten to his room for the tavern, which means he's drunk, so he'll be in a better mood, and maybe he'll take it better."
"Merlin," Lancelot cautioned, "Maybe you should wait until tomorrow. I don't think-"
"It's got to be now," Merlin denied, shaking her head. "I need to do it now before I lose my nerve. Excuse me."
When the door closed, Lancelot sighed and looked to Gaius, who had his eyebrow raised in concern. "This could go either really poorly, or really well."
"Indeed," Gaius muttered. "Let us hope for the latter."
Merlin, who was walking down the castle corridor to Gwaine's chambers, was convinced that it was going to go well. Really well. Splendidly.
At least, that's what she told herself. She had to tell herself that, if she were honest. Merlin didn't really want to imagine what would happen if Gwaine took the news badly. If he decided that magic made her immediately evil and turned her into Arthur (oh gods, Arthur's reaction- would he burn her at the stake, or execute her, or exile her, or...). Or, what if Gwaine decided that her magic was alright, but was angry that she had kept her secret for so long? What if he didn't understand that the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world was to see her kind able to live without fear, and that achieving that dream meant she couldn't afford mistakes and that she had to be cautious?
What if he decided that he hated her?
No.
No.
That's not what was going to happen. Gwaine was going to be alright with it all. Shocked, perhaps, a bit confused, maybe. Drunk? Fairly certain. Still, he was going to understand why she kept her secret from so long, and then he was going to tell her that she could answer all his questions at their picnic, and she would, and he would happy, and curious, and they would have a good time and then-
Merlin shook her head.
For some strange reason, this train of thought was not helping either.
Merlin finally reached Gwaine's door and, after psyching herself up, nodded and knocked. She waited a moment, but heard no response from inside, other than some shuffling.
She pressed her ear to the door and knocked again, louder this time. She called, "Gwaine? Are you in there?"
Again, more shuffling.
Frowning now, Merlin opened the door a peak and looked inside. Gwaine was there, obviously getting ready for bed, his back turned to her. He pulled back the covers on the bed and then peeled off his tunic.
Merlin's voice died in her throat.
It wasn't until that Gwaine went to undo his breeches that Merlin (now blushing so red that she was incredibly thankful that Arthur couldn't see) finally found her voice again.
"Gwaine?" she squeaked.
He turned to look at her, finally noticing her presence. He smiled at her. "Merlin!"
Gwaine had a nice smile, Merlin noted. She had been noting a lot of things about Gwaine all day, as a matter of fact. Like, that his smile wasn't the only thing nice about him, he also had nice hair (although that one was harder to miss, since he was constantly flipping it and running his fingers through it) and a nice bum (Merlin had blanched the first time that thought had crept into her head, it was so foreign), and, during training, how well he handled a sword, and how strong he was-
A fact that was very evident right now.
Merlin focused on her goal in coming here.
Focus.
But he's so pretty-
Focus.
"I need to talk to you, if that's alright," Merlin said.
Gwaine shrugged and hopped onto the bed, stretching out languidly. "I always have time for you, Merlin."
Merlin nodded, looking anywhere but him. "Good, good, I'll just- I'll just sit down, then."
Merlin sat down in a chair and fiddled with her neckerchief for a minute, letting an uncomfortable silence fall over the room.
Finally she said, "Gwaine, listen, you-"
"Merlin?" asked Gwaine. Merlin raised an eyebrow to show that she was listening, but otherwise made no attempt to lift her head. Teasingly, Gwaine said, "If you're going to interrupt my beauty sleep to talk to me, the least you could do is look me in the eye while you speak, don't you think?"
Merlin looked up to glare at him, but forgot that that was in direct opposition of her plan to look at anything but him. She blushed and Gwaine laughed at her. "You're more than free to join me. That chair looks mighty uncomfortable."
Merlin glared at him more. How much had he had to drink tonight? She wondered, but then brushed it off. "I'm fine, thank you. But I have to tell you something important."
"I'm all ears, princess," Gwaine smiled.
Merlin nodded. "I have magic."
Merlin had decided, on her way over, that it would be best to be blunt and to the point and to get everything out at once.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. At first it was because I didn't know you, and I really don't want to be burnt at the stake, but then, after we became friends, I was worried that you would be angry with me for keeping it from you, and a good time to tell you just never came up, but I decided that, what with the picnic and all, I needed to tell you soon. Or now. Please say something now so I can stop talking."
Gwaine just blinked several times and Merlin could see the gears in his head turning as he worked to figure out what she meant, and went through all of the times where some stroke of good fortune had befallen him and the knights: flying plates, the fire during his and Arthur's duel, tree branches falling on bandits, and so on.
"That explains a lot," Gwaine said after a moment. "I mean, no offense, but you aren't very subtle, mate, looking back."
"Well, they say hindsight is twenty-twenty," Merlin said drily. "And when working with Arthur, I don't need to be subtle. I could announce to a conference room that I have magic and they'd just laugh in my face."
"You didn't?" Gwaine smirked. Merlin grinned sheepishly and Gwaine snorted.
"So- you're okay with it, then?" Merlin asked. Honestly, he was taking this all very well.
"'Course I am," Gwaine told her. "You have magic. Good on you!"
Merlin nodded. "Great, alright. Thanks? I mean, I'll just let you get back to your, ah, beauty sleep, then."
Gwaine smiled gratefully as Merlin left, a similar smile on her face. When she made it back to Gaius's, her smile told him and Lancelot all they needed to know.
Lancelot simply got up and clapped her on the back as he left. Merlin shot a smug look at Gaius before heading upstairs to get ready for bed.
It was going to be an early day.
Sure enough, Merlin was up just as the sun rose, and, quietly, as to not wake Gaius, she left the house and want to get Arthur's and Gwen's breakfasts. It had been awkward at first, waking up her two, now married (which implied certain activities that Merlin really rather not know about), best friends, but they had come up with a system.
Merlin would get the food and bring it to their room, as she did when she had served Arthur alone. Now, however, instead of waking Arthur up in the most obnoxious way possible, she would gently nudge Gwen awake, first. Once Gwen was awake, Merlin would help her get dressed if need be (the first time Merlin had walked in to find both of her friends asleep unclothed, she had dropped the food in surprise and ran out the room shock, unable to look at either of them in the eye for the rest of the day).
Gwen would decide whether or not she wanted to wake Arthur, or if she wanted Merlin to do it (something that usually happened when Gwen decided Arthur had been particularly prat-like the day before), and then the king and queen would settle down for breakfast, while Merlin watched to serve them.
Merlin opened the door to Arthur's chambers, expecting to see he and Gwen still asleep, but to her surprise, they were both awake, and they themselves looked surprised to see her.
"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked. He sounded oddly accusing.
"I brought breakfast," Merlin said weakly.
"You have the day off," Arthur said. Merlin's jaw dropped. Arthur never gave her the entire day off. Maybe a morning or afternoon, but never the entire day.
"I do?" Merlin asked. Judging by Gwen's smile, Merlin guessed that she had something to do with it.
"Yes, Merlin, you do," Gwen assured. "Go get ready for your picnic with Gwaine."
"Get ready?" Merlin asked blankly, placing the extra plate of food on the table. She looked down at what she wore: her red shirt and blue neckerchief, her normal pair of trousers, boots, belt, and jacket. Comfortable, practical, and perfectly suited to running from bandits, witches, or other magical creatures.
"You don't plan on going like that, do you?" Arthur said far too innocently. Gwen shot him a look, knowing exactly what he was doing.
"Don't listen to him, Merlin," Gwen said quickly. "You look lovely."
But the damage had been done.
Merlin was not self-conscious by any means, nor did she often pay much mind to her appearances. Merlin could look in the mirror and be perfectly fine with what she saw: she knew that messy black hair, bright blue eyes, cheekbones that could cut glass , and full lips would have been considered beautiful (look at Morgana, Merlin thought), had it not been for her large ears, incredibly diminutive size, and overall scrawniness.
Still, having magic meant that, unlike the girls in the village who had spent their time on clothing and cosmetics, Merlin focused on not being burnt at the stake. Having a boy as a best friend meant that she wasn't afraid to get dirty, and often chose clothing for their practicality, not beauty.
Merlin new she would never have Morgana's striking looks or Gwen's gentle prettiness, but Merlin was fine with that. She had usually been too busy with her destiny to really pay any mind, and she never had a real reason to care.
Until now.
Merlin's eyes were wide as she remembered some of the women she had seen Gwaine with. Obviously, Merlin knew , if he had taken the initiative in asking her out, than he had no objection to how she dressed or looked, but that didn't mean she couldn't make some sort of effort, right?
"Merlin, don't worry about it," Gwen tried again. "Really, Gwaine likes-"
"Yea, Gwen," Merlin assured. "I know: 'you for who you are.' 'Inner beauty is more important.'"
"Which explains a lot," Arthur said under his breath. Merlin heard him and shot him a slightly hurt (and incredibly annoyed) look as she left the room, closing the door behind her, perhaps with a bit more force than she should have.
When Merlin made it to her room, though, she realized that there was something she hadn't really considered: she had no clothes.
Or rather, no clothes other than her normal outfits.
Well, she also had the two dresses. She held each of them in one hand to examine them, nose wrinkled in concentration.
The first was a lovely pale pink gown with black lace overlay that Morgana had given her as a gift to wear to the formal banquets that were often held at Camelot. Merlin never had a chance to wear it, though (although she would often pull it out to stare at it, it was so pretty). It hadn't taken long for Merlin to convince Arthur to let her wear her normal clothing to the banquets (mainly after he realized how often thing went wrong at those banquets, and that putting Merlin, who was clumsy enough on her own, in fancy dresses with long hems was just asking for disaster).
The second dress was a deep purple and much more simple and suited to her tastes, although Merlin hadn't worn it, either. Gwen had given it to her. She had apparently gotten it from a friend only days before Merlin had arrived in town. It was too small for Gwen, but fit Merlin perfectly.
It was this dress that Merlin was wearing when Gaius walked in, wondering what all the noise was about. His jaw dropped when he saw the state of the room: clothes strewn everywhere, Merlin standing in the center of it all, looking completely helpless.
"Merlin?" he questioned.
She turned to look at him, eyes wide. "Gaius! Help me! I don't know what to wear!"
Gaius opened and closed his mouth, not really sure where to begin. "This is hardly my area of expertise, Merlin."
Merlin huffed in frustration and stomped her foot childishly. Then she twirled. "Is this too much?"
Gaius shook his head, still dumbfounded, but finally said, "You look lovely."
Apparently, this was the right thing to say, since Merlin grinned gratefully at him. He nodded, satisfied, and then gestured to the mess. "Now, clean this up, brush your hair, and come downstairs-"
"My hair!" Merlin shrieked, before flying promptly into another tizzy.
Gaius just watched her affectionately, chuckling to himself. Between her power and her responsibilities and the incredible role she had in Albion's destiny, sometimes it was far too easy to forget that Merlin really was just like any other young woman.
Gaius watched with a raised eyebrow as Merlin bid a ribbon braid itself through her hair with nothing more than a muttered word and gold flash of her eyes.
Well, maybe not quite like any other young woman.
AN: So Gwaine took Merlin's magic pretty well, didn't he? Maybe a little too well? *Blinks innocently* Anyway, I know some people were looking forward to the picnic, but that's not until the next chapter. Sorry for making you wait, but I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
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