Playing Games by JuliaBC
A/N: 11x14: Hostage.
An amazing episode! So much team!
But I was still a little lost as to what road to take, and ended up with a not-quite episode tag.
So that's why this is later than I'd prefer. Oh, and ugh, why does CM always have to threaten people with someone leaving?
"You know the feeling when a case ends?" Reid asked the person on the other line. "And you just feel like huge amount of..."
"Consolation?" Alex Blake asked. "I know that feeling all too well."
Reid sighed. "Sometimes things just work out," he said quietly.
"Why'd you call me?" Alex asked.
"I wanted to tell you about something I'm worrying about," Reid finally said, after a long moment of silence. "What do you know about dementia?"
"What do I know about dementia? It's a terrible thing to have to deal with, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone," Alex said. "Or were you hoping for something more technical?"
"My mom was diagnosed," Reid said, wetting his lips and crossing his arms.
"Oh, Reid," Alex said, pausing. He could hear her breathing and pushed on.
"And now there's one more thing..."
"For you to worry about," Alex finished.
"I...I don't necessarily actually want to discuss this right now, I just wanted you to know and every time I've picked up the phone before now I just stopped myself," Reid hurried to say, suddenly chickening out again.
"I get it," Alex said. "All too well."
Silence again.
"I got your picture of Poe," Alex said, fondness in her voice. "Reid, I never thought that you'd get a dog, but I am so happy that you did. He seems so perfect for you."
"He is," Reid said. "A very good companion. Someone to come home to. Do you have that yet, Alex?"
Alex heaved a sigh. "I finally do," she nodded. "James is there when I get home, or if I happen to get home before him, I get to be the one waiting and making dinner, or ordering it, more likely. It's a good feeling. But...Reid?"
"Yeah?" He asked.
"It doesn't always compare to the knowledge of a good day's work, to that satisfaction you get after a case. Family isn't everything, and sometimes...that's okay too," Alex said.
Emily had been the first person he'd told, maybe because of the distance between them. Maybe because it just made it easier to know that she could only worry with him and not actually be there.
He loved Emily, but this was a burden that he wanted to carry mostly by himself and he knew that she was always all too willing to help carry the load.
But, for the virtue of the miles between them, way back when he was still in Las Vegas, he'd called her, almost crying.
Solace. That was the word that came to mind when Spencer Reid thought of that conversation. Immediate solace.
JJ didn't talk about it, but not because she was unwilling or afraid. She didn't talk about it because she didn't want Reid worrying about it even more. "I don't want to belittle it, but I swear to you, you'll get past this. And, Spence, if you don't remember Cat's name in 20 years, that's a good thing. It won't mean you have dementia."
He smiled when he remembered her words, reflecting that she was right. He honestly didn't want to remember Cat, as she had been one of his waking nightmares, but in the end, she wasn't even that complex. She was just a girl with daddy issues and really, he could do better. If he wanted to wake up with nightmares, the Hankels were always handy.
No, in the long run, he'd rather forget Cat. Forget that whole night, and just remember that the dirty dozen issue was over and one of his best friends, Penelope, was finally safe. Oh god. He didn't know how he'd tell Penelope. He just didn't know. So he still hadn't.
The drive from the FBI buildings at Quantico to the DC area where Kate lived was greatly lengthened by the afternoon traffic, and Reid found himself tapping on the wheel with impatience. Alex had given him a new confidence; seeing those girls today begin to live their lives again had given him new confidence.
Gina. Amelia. Sheila. Lily. Jasmine.
Reid closed his eyes as the traffic came to a complete stop and contemplated the facts: minus Sheila, four lives had undoubtedly been improved by his actions today. Counting Amelia's parents, six.
Yes, sometimes family wasn't everything.
He'd been trying recently to just get over the feelings of needing and wanting, and the overwhelming desire for a family of his own. It was about to reverse on him. Couldn't his life be complete without kids? A spouse?
He bit his lip, trying to puzzle it out. Because something that this case had also shown him was that longing too hard for a family of your own? Sometimes it made you do crazy things.
Traffic started again and Reid pressed down on the gas pedal, wondering...would he still dare to have kids? After everything?
Poe bounded up to him, and Kate stood by the door, laughing. "It's such a nice day, I let him out early," she called. "And he's so happy to see you."
Reid, Poe at his side, walked across the lawn, to see that Kate was holding Jamie in her arms.
"Hey, little man," he greeted, touching Jamie's velvet soft cheek.
"This one has been cranky all day, though," Kate commented. "I'm really not sure why. I never had Meg at this age, I have to admit."
"No, you wouldn't have," Reid agreed. "I should really be going, I've got reports to finish."
"Ah, taking things home again?" Kate asked, eyes sparkling. "I want to say I miss that part of the job but I can't, honestly, I can't."
"I don't mind it," Reid said, petting Poe.
"Well, you're not the type," she said. "You like work. I mean, I like my work, but I don't like it. You do."
"Do I?" Reid wondered, almost totally lost.
"You like the systematic part of it, the files and the pens, and not the tablets," Kate said. "You love the paper, admit it, Spencer Reid."
"I'm honestly not sure what you mean," he finally said.
"Yeah, I guess that's okay," she finished.
Jamie started to fuss again and Reid stepped back. "I guess that's my signal to go," he said. "Thanks, as always."
"You're always welcome," she called after him, slipping back inside.
Reid started off to the car, drove for a short distance and then got out at the city park.
There was a biking trail and Reid started off down it, holding firmly to Poe's leash.
His mind was spinning out in a thousand different directions, and he didn't want to think about any of the possibilities right now.
So he avoided them.
In his mind, he formed a chess board and started to play. The white pawn went first, then a black knight.
The white queen eventually captured a knight.
He was won back rapidly by a brave black pawn.
The white queen put the black king in check.
The black queen valiantly sacrificed herself for her king, letting the white queen knock her down.
And the black rook took his move, slaying the white queen and standing victorious.
Reid realized he wasn't even moving anymore when Poe came back to him, barking. He opened his eyes to the world again, seeing the joggers, the moms, the dads, the school kids out and about.
He wanted in. He still wanted to get in to this world, of people. Of spouses and children and homework.
He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number.
"Garcia? Do you want to go out for Thai food tonight?"
His answer was a resounding yes.
Family. Maybe you could choose it.
A/N: In this chapter, I think I officially joined the 'Reid needs a significant other fanclub'.
Also, I like it when Reid touches people. I like it when it's shown that he's moved past some of his phobias.
Also...I don't know what it means that I only got two (extremely lovely) reviews on the last chapter. I'm not usually one to care about numbers, but I worked a little harder to make the episode mean something to Reid (and to viewers, by extent) and I'd like a little extra feedback to let me know that I didn't completely mess it up.