Ayame's P.o.V.
How long had it been since Akio's death? How long did it take for me to leave my house and claw through the heart ache? How long? It felt like an eternity. Days? Weeks? I couldn't tell - time felt fluid, yet frozen all at once.
I donated all of Akio's belongings to the needy, aside from a single photograph that was now framed and sitting next to a picture of Team 7 in my bedroom. Maybe holding onto it was a bad idea, for every time I truly studied my dead brother's smiling face, a wave of sadness washed over me.
Yuki and I had been exchanging letters. It was pleasant, and felt like a brief escape from my sorrows when I was writing to her. Learning about Ame was a nice distraction, and for that I was grateful to her.
Kakashi didn't bother me to go on missions during my extended grieving period. I think he knew that I couldn't perform at my best with a pain in my heart. But, when I did start to leave my home for work, everyone approached me with extreme caution as if I were a bomb ready to explode.
Not to say that people didn't approach me at all. Of course, Naruto had visited frequently and brought ramen for me; Sakura delivered healthier food (and though it was horrid I still appreciated the gesture); Kiba brought Akamaru to have playdates with Kage; Shikamaru brought shougi for us to play, even though he would win without a doubt. Even Ino came to bring me flowers once.
Sasuke was the only one who didn't come.
Were we still an item at this point? I cared so much for him, but did he still feel the same? Maybe he was just giving me the space I needed, waiting for me to come to him. He was just like that.
One lovely day I left my house on my own accord. I decided to finally stop pitying myself and see Sasuke, since he clearly wasn't coming on his own. When I reached his flat, I paused for a moment before gently knocking on the door. He opened it within moments.
"Hey," he greeted. His presence felt different. The aura felt . . . dark. "I'm glad you're feeling better."
"Thanks," I said. I tucked a loose strand behind my ear, the rest of my hair tied back in a loose ponytail.
"Did you need something?" He asked. I stared at him. Was he serious?
"I just wanted to see you," I said, sounding less confident as I looked away from him. Suddenly, I felt vulnerable and began to fiddle with the cloth around my throat. He didn't say much.
"I'm sorry I didn't visit you," he finally said. "I didn't know if you wanted me there."
"Of course I did."
It got quiet between us. It was warm outside, but I felt the coolness reach me from the inside of Sasuke's home. I didn't know what to say. Why did I even come here? I was about to turn as Sasuke took a step outside. He gently gripped my chin and placed his cool lips on my forehead. It was a long connection, and a comforting one.
Maybe I just came for that.
. . .
Soon after that day, I went back to normal life. I started to forget about the sadness as I smiled with my friends again. The Fifth Hokage, Lady Tsunade had been selected to replace the Third. She was the Slug Sannin of the Leaf and a master of medical ninjustu. Naruto called her Granny, which made me wonder how old this busty woman actually was.
One day in particular, I had spent most of my time with Sakura. We had shopped and talked - well, she mostly gossiped which I didn't mind. I never realised how pretty she was with her bright smile and twinkling eyes. I think losing a loved one makes you understand who is precious to you, and Sakura was one of those people.
When I returned home, shopping bags in hand (though much less than what Sakura had) I found an envelope attached to my door. I plucked it off and entered my home to find Kage snoozing on the couch. I set the bags down next to the door and kept the letter in my hand as I quickly scooped a cup of food for Kage, who happily scampered to the bowl.
The sun had begun to sag over the horizon, dusk seemed to fall faster as I opened the envelope, an orange heavenly glow covered my blood-red walls. A piece of fine parchment was inside, with writing in fountain pen with neat and familiar script. It read:
Dearest Ayame,
Goodbye.
"No," I managed to say when I caught my breath. I stormed out of the house and started running so fast it felt like my feet weren't even touching the ground. My heart was beating so fiercely it was almost vibrating. I reached Sasuke's home quickly.
"Sasuke!" I called, pounding on the door. No answer. I punched the door once more before spinning on my heel and trying the search somewhere else. I had no leads, so I went to the only road out of the village and stumbled upon the building where we first spoke. The Academy.
"Stop," I said when I saw him, breathless. His back was to me, showing a pack strapped on it. Beneath it I knew was the red and white fan of his clan's crest. His posture was immaculate, as always, like he never had a shadow of a doubt cross his mind. He halted, but didn't turn. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
Wind wafted around us, making the trees rustle restlessly. My heart was still beating hard, my face flushed. I felt that familiar gut-wrenching sensation of losing a loved one. Sasuke didn't answer me, because he knew that I knew the answer already.
"Don't do this," I said in a broken whisper. "Please."
"It's the middle of the night," he said, ignoring my plea. "You should go to bed." I took several steps toward him. "You can't stop me, so don't try it."
"Yes, I can," I argued, tightening my hands into a fist. "I'm stronger than you think. I can't let you leave."
He turned to face me, wearing a resolved face. His decision had been made ages ago. "You'll have to let me go. I don't want to hurt you." I shook my head, pushing back the urge to weep.
"Stop this, right now," I said, bearing my teeth. "I know why you want to go to him. And I'm sorry. But nothing will be accomplished by getting your revenge."
"You don't get to act so high and mighty," he snapped, making me flinch at the sharpness of his tone. "I know you want revenge as much as I do. We're different . . . but not that different after all."
"If you leave, I'll never forgive you!" I shouted. "Don't you care about this village, Sasuke? Or Naruto or Kakashi or even Sakura?" I swallowed hard. "Did you ever care about me?"
Suddenly, he was gone. I felt a presence directly behind me, his warmth radiated onto my back. The breeze picked up his scent as it fluttered around me. He said my name gently and I felt his fingers wrap around my hand.
"Ayame," he said in my ear. It felt reassuring for just a moment. "That's exactly why I have to go." There was a pressure on my neck and a world of darkness closed around me.
. . .
Hey, Ayame, I heard in the void. Wake up, or you'll catch a cold sleeping out here.
The scent of morning dew slowly reached me as my grey eyes gradually opened, the world looking fuzzy with sleep in the light of sunrise. I remembered Sasuke's voice, That's exactly why I have to go. I shot upright, gasping his name. The only people I saw were Suge and another guard, stacks of papers going up to their chins in their hands. I felt hollow as tears escaped the corners of my eyes.
I had failed. I said I would stop him, but I couldn't.
After I explained what happened to Suge through incoherent sobs, he reported it to Lady Tsunade. I guess she put Shikamaru, who was given the Chuunin rank, in charge of retrieving him. As I stood there, at the gates of the village, Shikamaru, Naruto, Chouji, Kiba and Akamaru, and Neji about to depart, with Sakura next to me, and Kage comforting me while on my shoulder, I realised what a fool I had been. Sasuke had never cared - or else he wouldn't have left.
"Onee-chan," Naruto called, "and Sakura-chan. Don't worry. Team 7 will be whole soon enough! I'll bring Sasuke back! Believe it!"
"Naruto, this is a team operation," Shikamaru reminded him. "Also, I know it's troublesome, but I'm kind of the leader of this mission." Naruto pouted. I glanced up to see Kiba looking back at me. He excused himself briefly and approached me. Akamaru sat in his jacket, a white tuft popping out of his chest. He seemed to acknowledge Kage with a yip.
"Don't you worry," he assured me. "We'll bring him back." I reached out and scratched Akamaru behind the ear, his coat soft and shiny.
"That's the mission, I guess," I said unenthusiastically. I looked at Sakura, who was crying even harder than I was. She was hurt and suffering, too, even though Sasuke didn't belong to her. That was what love was like, wasn't it? "Kiba."
"Huh? Yeah?" He would be leaving momentarily, so I had but one thing to say to him.
"Watch out for my little brother," I requested. "Keep yourself and my friends safe."
"We gotta go, Kiba!" Shikamaru called, an authority in his voice that I had never heard before. Kiba nodded at me once before joining up with the rest of the group. The five of them walked off. My brother, Naruto, Sasuke's best friend. Shikamaru, a brilliant Chuunin and leader. Kiba, my friend who understands me. Chouji, a hungry goofball who is loyal to his friends. And Neji, stern and powerful, but will finish the job at any costs.
"Sakura," I said, still watching after them. Her sniffles and tears for Sasuke never stopped. I turned to her, feeling the harshness in my own voice. "If they bring him back . . . I'm done. He's all yours."
. . .
I walked Sakura home when she was ready. She had been so upset than she drained herself and was in need of rest. But me, I couldn't imagine sleeping when my head was too busy with thoughts and my heart too full of anger. First the Third Hokage, then Akio, and now Sasuke. My losses kept piling and I couldn't even prevent them.
Kage occasionally licked my cheek reassuringly as I walked to the meadow in which I trained for the Chuunin tournament. Patches of torn up grass as a result of technique practice were sprouting with new life. Standing near the middle of the pasture, where the grass was tall and up to my hips, I bit my thumb and made some handsigns before crouching down and touching the ground.
A cloud of smoke burst from my hand and Akarai was left in its wake after it dissipated. Looking as regal as ever, she nodded at me.
Ayame, she said, I have not heard from you. Is everything all right?
"No," I said, sitting down, now completely concealed by the barley. Akarai joined me and Kage leapt down to lay in between us in the lush foliage. "My brother has died. But that was some time ago."
I am sorry, she said, her green eyes wide in surprise at the news. I can sense the pain within you.
"My boyfriend - " I shook my head. "I guess he's not anymore. But he left the village last night. And I couldn't stop him. But to make things worse, he left to go to the very person who killed Akio." My throat tightened. I swallowed to loosen the words that got stuck. "I guess I just need guidance. Or a distraction. My friends are risking their lives to bring Sasuke home. And I'm worried for them."
I see, Akarai replied meditatively. How can I help?
"Well, maybe you could tell me more about, um," I paused. "What was his name, again?"
Aroi, she answered with a nod. I take it you have not been communicating with him.
"Not really," I admitted. "I suppose I'm just nervous. He knows everything about me, but I know nothing about him."
I understand. Akarai rested her head on her paws that sat in front of her as if to settle in. I have five pups. They are grown now, and most of them left to join other packs in need of numbers. But one abandoned the ideology entirely and lived on his own. To this day, I do not know nor understand his reasons for forsaking the pack. Being alone is the saddest way to exist as a wolf. I never knew what happened to him until recently. He had been dead for many years.
"I'm sorry," I said. Akarai and her packs could live to be hundreds of years old, so how did her son die, I wondered. More importantly, why was she telling me this?
All this time, she continued, for nearly fifteen years, he had been dead. But his soul was not lost. Because his spirit had not moved onto the next world, I did not realise he was gone. Instead, he had been trapped within a young girl. I gasped aloud. You have been wondering why I agreed to train you. I apologise for not telling you sooner, Ayame.
"It's fine," I said, my eyes still wide. "How did you know?"
Your eyes, she said. I thought I saw her emerald eyes shining, but I said nothing. When we first met, I did not realise why you felt so familiar to me. Yet I offered myself to you. Perhaps it was simply because I knew you had a wolf in you. But when we met the second time, before I even learned your name, I knew. You have the same eyes as Aroi once did.
"Wow," I breathed. What else could I say? "Can Aroi talk to me himself?"
I do not know.
We got quiet for a moment. The beast inside of me, this wolf, was Akarai's son? Aroi. It was as if she were my mother, too. Like Aroi and I were the same person. It was all too weird - I squirmed where I sat, cringing. Kitai was the mother of my body, but was Akarai the mother of my soul?
"Can you tell me more about your pack? Your children?" Akarai lifted that big, beautiful head of hers and nodded.
She told me about her family until the jutsu wore off. Thankfully, Aroi's chakra helped me to keep her there for as long as possible. She spoke with so much love and affection, even when talking about the wolves that weren't her kin. It was beautiful. It was something I longed to understand and be a part of.
. . .
When Shikamaru's team returned, each of them were badly injured and some were clinging to life. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I had word of their arrival. Kiba and Akamaru and Naruto were resting in their hospital beds, but Neji and Chouji were undergoing extreme medical procedures. When I reached the corridor to one of the surgery rooms, I skidded to a halt.
"Shikamaru," I breathed. He was sitting on a bench just outside of the door, elbows on his knees and hands intertwined. I took long strides towards him. The plaque on the door read: Akimichi Chouji. Squatting in front of him, I could see the bandage wrapped around his finger. I suspected it was broken. "Are you all right?"
"Fine." His eyes were dull, his face blank.
"Hey," I said gently, rising to sit next to him. "He'll be okay."
"Well, aren't you going to say anything to me?" A woman's voice asked from across the hall. I looked up to see her sitting on the other bench, leg crossed with her fan next to her. "I'm the one that came to your friend's rescue, after all."
"Temari," I acknowledged. I hadn't even noticed she was sitting there. "Thank you for helping them. It's good to see you."
"He shouldn't be making himself crazy," she said to me, though making no effort to shield Shikamaru from her words. "With every mission comes sacrifice. That's what the psychological training is for."
"Training and reality," Shikamaru said, that empty stare in his eyes, "are two very different things. I thought I knew what it meant to be a shinobi, but after this mission, my first as a squad leader, I've learned one thing." He stood up, his eyes on the linoleum tiles of the ground. "I'm not cut out to be a shinobi. It's all my fault."
"Shikamaru," I said, sensing his vulnerability. "You know that's not right. You're too smart to not see that."
But he walked away, his steps echoing in the hall. Temari scoffed, "What, are you afraid you'll get hurt?"
"Shikamaru," A voice said from around a corner. I recognised Nara Shikaku's voice, Shikamaru's father. "What are you? Not a man, that's for sure. Far as I can see you're a coward. You think if you quit, the missions'll stop? Someone's gotta do it. Your comrades will be sent out again, facing the same risks - and some of them might not make it - with someone else leading them." I sat there, mouth agape, but unable to speak. "Use your failures to make yourself a better leader. You won't help your friends by running away. Instead, you should be getting stronger for their sake.
The choice is simple: you're either a leader or a coward. Which are you?"
The large metal doors next to me slowly squealed open. The light signalling operation in progress shut off. Lady Tsunade emerged from the room, a tired grin on her face.
"Chouji is going to be fine," she announced, moving to take a seat next to me. How could Naruto call her Granny when she was so beautiful? "The Nara medical handbook was invalubale."
"That's great," I said with a sigh of relief.
"Lady Tsunade!" Shizune, the Hokage's right-hand woman, called as she sprinted down the hall. "I have news about Hyuuga Neji! His condition has stabilised. Also, Hatake Kakashi and Uzumaki Naruto are on their way. Naruto's injuries are serious but not life-threatening!"
Tsunade sighed. I watched Shikamaru tremble where he stood as she said, "Shikamaru, your mission was a failure." The mission was to bring back Sasuke. My head drooped, looking at the hands folded in my lap. So they couldn't get him after all. But she added, "However, everyone's alive. And that's what matters."
"Next time," Shikamaru said in a strained voice, "the mission will go perfectly."
. . .
"Onii-san," I called from the crack in the hospital room door. The smell in the room was sterile, the walls white and bright from the opened curtains. He was sitting up in bed, staring at something in his hands. Closing the door behind me, I entered the room. Bandages around his arms, neck, face, and head, the only thing I could really see clearly were his sad, beautiful blue eyes. "I'm so glad you're home."
"I'm sorry," he said as I sat on his bed. "I'm so sorry, Ayame."
"Stop," I said, holding up a hand. "I mean it."
"I swear I'll bring him back," he continued. "I promised you and Sakura-chan, right? I never go back on my word! I'm even training with Pervy Sage for three years to do it! Just you wait."
"Naruto," I sighed, though a faint smile on my face. "Put that on Sakura. I'm . . . revoking my request." He looked at me with a shocked expression.
"But - "
"And anyway," I interrupted, "if you're planning on training for three years, then so will I. I can't let my kid brother get stronger than me, can I?."
When he understood what I said, he grinned hugely and chuckled. I didn't realise that was what I wanted before, but Naruto opened my eyes. Staying here, training here won't help me to be stronger. That day, when I let Sasuke go, I was weaker than I had ever been in my life. Seeing Naruto, who wasn't able to stop him either, made me realise that I needed to get stronger, even if it took ten years.
And I knew Akarai would help me.
. . .
Months later, after Naruto, Kiba, Neji, and Chouji were all out of the hospital and going on missions once again, after I got all the paper work filled out and things packed, it was time for me to go. Naruto had already left with Master Jiriya, who I had yet to meet officially, though I knew he was legendary Sannin like Lady Tsunade. To be honest, I cried like a baby.
Now it was my turn. I stood at the gates of Konoha, Kage and Akarai waiting a few feet ahead of me. Some of my friends wanted to see me off; Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru and Kiba stood linear under the enormous arch of Konoha.
"Be careful out there," Sakura told me, handing me a small box. I was so glad that she was here, and happy that Sasuke hadn't ruined her heart. "I made some food pills for you. They'll help you with your training."
"Thank you, Sakura," I said, accepting the gift. "You didn't have to."
"I wanted to." She smiled and I hugged her.
"Good luck," Ino said. She, too, emerged from the other side of her heart ache. I embraced her as well.
"Women crazy," Shikamaru sighed, shaking his head. He looked impressed when he stopped mock-scolding me. "Remember back in the Academy, when I said you were above Hama?" I nodded. "You're in a whole other league." My face flushed.
"You're not just saying that because you'll miss me, are you?" I teased. He rolled his eyes, but we tapped fists anyway. Lastly was Kiba.
"I wish I could do something like this," he said, admiring Akarai. "It's way cool."
"Just make sure you don't die when I'm away," I said. "That would suck."
"Sure thing."
Ayame, we must leave, Akarai told me. I turned back and nodded at her. Tightened the blue bandanna around my neck and adjusting my Konoha shinobi headband, I smiled at them.
"Gotta run. Thanks for everything, guys."
"Will you visit?" Sakura asked.
"Of course," I winked. "Keep those food pills going." I turned around and caught up to the others.
Are you ready? She asked.
"Absolutely."
We hit the ground running, ready to plunge into a whole new world of hard work and to be accepted into another family.
. . .
So, here we are. Finally at Chapter 28, the end of this tale and the beginning of another. It took three years to finish this story, and for that I'm truly sorry.
For those of you who have supported me, I thank you. For those who have left, I don't blame you.
The third part of the Beast Trilogy will continue (hopefully) in one month. I will (again, hopefully) have prepared chapters for periodic updates.
Thank you so much for reading.
This is the end of Exams With the Beast.