After the princes had been missing for twenty years, Asgard assumed them dead, as Heimdall couldn't see them and the princes hadn't come back from a war zone for such a long time. And there was no heir. Asgard went on several search missions, but they never found the princes.
The last time Sorrow had seen Loki was with a fleeting glance, as he kissed her hurriedly and rushed out the door to join Thor on some escapade.
And now, twenty years later, Sorrow lay still in bed, alone.
Every single day she had thought about Loki, thought about her husband, her deepest friend, her most trusted confidant. And compared to any other man in the entire universe, there was no comparison. Loki was the only one that held her heart, no matter how many men who tried to bed her, knocking on her and Loki's… her chamber door, trying to "comfort" her.
She pushed them all away, sometimes calling to the guards for help.
Many court women had advised her to get a lover, in the fact that it would be foolish to drop her title as Princess to marry lower. Sorrow wouldn't have it. Not when she had slept with Loki, shared his bed, ate with him, laughed with him, lived with him. Loved him. Still loves him.
So, late at night, she lay in their bed, the other side of the bed, Loki's side, remained empty. Sometimes, she would bury her face in his cold pillow, smelling him. Smelling sandalwood, the smell of Loki's soap. She would read his books, the ones with notes scribbled all over the page in his neat handwriting. She would sleep in their closet, with all of Loki's armor, just to be near something of his essence. And most nights, she slept with Loki's helmet pulled tight to her chest, the helmet that was dented and burnt as it had been found on the battlefield where Loki was supposed to have come home from.
And though many called her obsessive, only keeping her wedding vows to her deceased husband to keep the title of Princess, though they whispered hating words behind her back and called her a whore, many rumors going about that she had taken several lovers, she refused all company because she loved a dead man.
Yet, she didn't think so. She felt as though he was out there somewhere, coming home. That even if he was dead, he would live on in her heart.
Twenty years. Twenty years of running, dodging enemy attacks, slipping through the darkness of night, eating hunted game, having to teach Thor how to use a dagger as Mjolnir was back on Asgard.
Twenty years without Sorrow.
Loki and Thor stopped at a stream, only a few more days from their final destination. Only days away from Heimdall's sight. Loki stripped off his extremely worn out armor, washing himself in the river. He washed the blood from his hands and face, getting the dirt out of his cuts. Though he hated being on the run, he couldn't deny that he was the most fit he had ever been.
Thor placed a heavy hand on Loki's shoulder after they were done washing, their armor drying, only in their pants. Loki looked up at Thor from across his magic fire, which created no smoke but kept them warm and cooked their fish.
"We are almost there, brother." Thor murmured.
Loki nodded, running a hand through his black hair, which he had cut himself to keep a reasonable length. And though it wasn't as good as Sorrow's haircuts, it wasn't too bad.
Thor's hand dropped from Loki's shoulder as he stood, wandering over to the stream to catch more fish. Thor watched the scars on Loki's back, remembering when he had first seen them, years ago. They still made Thor shiver, seeing permanent memories of pain etched onto his brother's skin. Scars that weren't supposed to be there, as Asgardian and even Jotun skin healed too fast for scarring.
Thor stood up and followed Loki, standing next to the younger prince. Loki had grown. They both had grown, but Thor's memories of Loki were still those of an elder brother watching out for the younger, playing with the younger, spending every second of each day with the younger. But Thor had learned much about Loki over the past twenty years.
The nightmares that plagued Loki's sleep, his intelligence for survival, his craftsmanship with a dagger. Things Thor had only scratched the surface on knowing about. Thor had always known that Loki was far more intelligent than he, that Loki was the best candidate for the throne, though that hadn't happened. If it wasn't for Loki, they'd both be dead.
It was Loki who had outsmarted their enemy time and time again. It was Loki who healed both their wounds, who knew which plants were poisonous and which ones weren't. It was Loki who knew how to make shelters out of branches and leaves, navigate in the night when the stars weren't out, make antidotes for poisons.
And yet, it seemed as though Loki didn't want to go home.
"What is wrong, brother? Do you not want to return to Asgard?"
Loki glanced at him with icy blue eyes, sighing. "I do, Thor. I feel as though we can't get there soon enough."
"Then why are you so anxious?"
Loki shook his head, staring into the clear water, evidently not over here to fish, but to think. "Sorrow."
Thor raised an eyebrow, confused. "The Lady Sorrow? I thought you were dying to see her."
Loki glared at Thor. "You do not get it, Thor. It has been twenty years. We have mostly likely been claimed dead in Asgard. And though twenty years isn't that long compared to the rest of our lives, think about our wives. Jane will not be able to remarry, as she was a mortal and the wife of the late crown prince. But Sorrow. Sorrow was born a noble, has noble blood, married to the late second prince, who was of no importance to the crown unless the first prince died. I was expendable. Our marriage vows can be released, especially since I am dead. She is beautiful, fully educated since I taught her a lot more, single, and worthy enough to be a Princess of the realm. What man in the right mind would not want her? Especially Haftor, the Captain of the Guard, who has been in love with her since he first laid eyes on her…"
Loki kicked the water, causing the fish to dash away and disappear, as he cried out in frustration, though not too loud.
Thor put a hand on Loki's shoulder once more. "I do not believe the Lady Sorrow would absolve your marriage vows, Loki. She loves you, everyone can see that."
Loki shook Thor's hand off his shoulder, walking back over to their fire and taking the fish off the roasting stick. He set his own fish aside, having lost his appetite. Thor wasn't hungry at that moment, wrapped up in the conversation.
"I know that Sorrow loved me… but it has been twenty years Thor. Hearts can change. She will have been lonely this whole time, at least taking a lover."
Thor shook his head. "You must trust me when I say this. Sorrow would never take a lover, not when it is you who holds her heart."
Loki sneered. "A selfish, overbearing man such as I? After a while, Sorrow will have remarried, if not for love than for companionship. And I will never see her again."
It was obvious Loki had been thinking about this for too long, convinced himself that Sorrow would have moved on and remarried. Thor knew his Jane was still waiting for him. He was confident that Jane would never take a lover.
Memories of the past surfaced, ones that made his heart heavy with guilt thinking about them now. Perhaps these past experiences were where Loki's fear came from. Sigyn, leaving Loki because she could not stand him. Amora, tricking Loki to get to Thor, shattering the younger's heart. Freya, leaving Loki to be with another man. All had left him, and Thor knew this is why Loki doubted himself.
But before Thor could say so, Loki spoke quietly. "If she truly has moved on, then I wish her happiness, as she deserves it more than anyone in the entire nine realms. If I find that another man has taken her heart, another man brings her happiness, I will let her go peacefully."
No more words were spoken as they finally ate their fish and dressed in their now-dry armor, packing up camp and heading out for Asgard, sure to arrive in a few days.
A few days later, Sorrow was talking with Jane, as Jane was one of the only people who understood her pain, the pain of rumors, the pain of losing a husband, when she was informed that the Captain of the Guard wished to see her.
Sorrow sighed, standing up, dark circles under her eyes as she still didn't sleep well. She made her way through the silent halls, wondering what Haftor wanted with her. Hopefully he wasn't trying to woo her again.
Haftor was on a balcony, the servant that had escorted Sorrow bowing and leaving quickly. Haftor's eyes lit up when he saw Sorrow, a smile spreading across his face as he kissed her hand, making Sorrow shift uncomfortably.
"Lady Sorrow. It is wonderful to see you."
"What do you need, Captain?" Sorrow asked, hoping to keep it formal. She noticed that he still held her hand in his.
"I have known you for a long time, my lady. I know that you still grieve for your late husband, but there are other opportunities for you. You are young, and can easily remarry another. You don't have to be alone."
Sorrow pulled away, wrenching her hand from his. "I'm not-"
Haftor cut her off. "Do not pretend that you aren't. I see your miserable gaze when you think no one is looking. I know that your heart aches with loneliness. One that only a man can soothe."
Sorrow scoffed at Haftor's arrogance. He had given her speeches like this many times, each one getting haughtier than the last. Sorrow glared at him. "I do not want you."
Haftor suddenly pulled her to him, whispering into her ear. "Are you sure about that, my lady?" And then he was kissing her.
Loki walked in right at that moment, both princes having been found just earlier, Loki having been directed the balcony by a servant. He froze, seeing Haftor's lips on Sorrow's, seeing them so close together. His numbed mind worked quickly as he turned on his heel and ran, just as Haftor glanced at him, not recognizing him in the fraction of a second that he saw the prince.
It all happened within a split second.
Sorrow shoved herself away from Haftor, her cheeks heated with fury as she backhanded the Captain across the face and stormed off, telling him that if he ever came near her again, she would use a dagger to keep him away. Loki had taught her how to use a dagger, and she was very close to driving it into the Captain's shoulder.
Sorrow stormed through the halls, passing several people who looked at her quizzically, having thought her and Loki would have been together by now.
As soon as Sorrow reached the empty corridors that lead to her and Loki… her chambers, she started crying, tears falling fast out of her deep blue eyes. When she reached her chambers, she pressed herself against the wall in her bedchambers, sliding down to sitting as her hands started shaking. She began weeping, clutching her hair in fists as her heart wrenched painfully, beating harder and harder. She felt as though she couldn't breathe, as if the very air itself was poison which she had to expel out of her lungs, choking on that darkness that fed her mind. She pressed her forehead to the golden wall, her shoulders shaking so hard they began to ache as her heart beat against its cage of bones. She cupped a hand over her mouth as she sucked in a ragged breath, thumping her other fist weekly against the wall, choking air in, pushing it back out.
She had let him kiss her. And she had thought of Loki as he had done so. And she hated Haftor for it, for reminding her of Loki's lips, of Loki's whispers. She hated Haftor's attempts to win her heart, to dominate her. She hated how he thought he knew her heart.
She missed Loki. She missed him so badly she knew she would not be able to live anymore without him. She curled up against the wall, leaning her head against it as tears continued to stream down her face. Pressed the hand with her wedding ring to her heart, closing her eyes. "Loki…" She choked out. "Please…. please… I can't… I can't take it anymore… I can't do this every day... please..." How pathetic those pleas sounded, even to her own ears. But she simply couldn't stop those madly uttered words.
He had been preparing himself to let her go, to go find her and talk to her. To absolve their marriage. He had been holding back a mix of angry tears when Sorrow had stormed into the room, throwing the door closed with a bang. Loki had turned invisible as soon as he saw her, watching as she sank down against the wall, sobbing and clutching her hair, curling up against the wall and holding her hand to her heart as she whispered his name.
Loki's heart picked up as she began pleading… for what, he didn't know. Eventually, she stopped crying, staring at her hand. At a ring. Their wedding ring.
"I miss you, Loki… I miss you… I know you're not dead… Haftor is wrong. He's wrong and stupid, trying to convince me that I can move on."
Loki was so stunned by her words, such sweet words to his heart, that he could only stand there, cloaked in transparency as Sorrow pushed herself to her feet, falling onto the bed, burying her face in his pillow, taking a deep breath as she began weeping. Never in his life had he heard such a pure sound. A sound of pure sorrow. It was different to read in a book about someone weeping, or seeing some peasant on the street crying their souls out.
It was different. There was something in the air that was too hard to describe. Something so thick and harsh that it forced those gasped breaths and uttered words from the woman's throat. Now, he could only stand there, paralyzed, as he watched her tense shoulders shake violently, her face buried in his own pillow.
Never... never had he seen Sorrow weep with such... sorrow. Such grief. In all the years he had known her. It wasn't something he wanted to see again.
Loki finally dropped the invisibility spell and stumbled towards the bed, allowing himself to drink in her beauty, her features, her sounds, her cries. Her. Sorrow noticed him before he got to the bed, stifling a panicked scream as she realized who it was.
Loki barely had time to blink as he was tackled, Sorrow wrapping her arms around his neck, shaking and sobbing. Loki had been planning on speaking words… but none came. And none needed to as Sorrow kissed him, not letting him breathe proper as she kissed him long, deeply, making sure that he was real. Sorrow leaned her head on his shoulder, suppressing the sobs as she heard Loki's whispers in her ear, promising that he was here, that he was back, that he loved her. She breathed in his scent, the scent of fire and stream and fish and metal.
"Loki… you were dead." She whispered.
"No. I was gone. But I'm back now."
Sorrow shivered, clutching Loki's armor harder, her knuckles a painful white. She tried to force words out of her mouth, but no more came as she couldn't speak. She sank into Loki's embrace, feeling his hand run through her hair.
Loki pulled back first, still holding her arms. "I am sorry, My Queen. I cannot bear to think of what I put you through, being assumed dead. I must also apologize, for I could not help but think this entire past year that you had moved on, taken a lover, married. I should have never doubted you."
Sorrow felt guilt well up in her throat, remembering just a moment ago as Haftor had kissed her. Her eyes flitted down to the floor. "I… I was not completely faithful… Haftor kissed me…" She choked out, not bearing to lift her gaze to Loki's, fearing the shock that would certainly be on his face. "It was so sudden… I didn't have time to stop it… I-I didn't mean to let him kiss me…"
But Loki already knew, for he had seen it. He tipped her chin up, her eyes finally meeting his as he shushed her panicked explanation. "I know. I saw. I was looking for you, and I him kissing you. But you did not kiss him back, did you?"
Sorrow's eyes widened at Loki's confession. She shook her head slowly, a tear falling down her cheek as she feared what Loki would do. That he would leave her. "I hit him." She whispered. "I have only ever hit one other person, and that was Brandt. And I threatened him to leave me alone or I would use a dagger next time…"
Loki's head tipped back as he laughed. "I wish I would have stayed to watch, but I was a bit upset at the time. Let me change, and if you would allow me, I would love to stay this time…" Loki hesitantly let Sorrow go, stepping into the closet.
Sorrow glanced at the open balcony doors, the stars shining bright as the sun had barely set. He was back. He was alive. He was okay. Her hands shook as she undid the laces to her dress, changing into her nightgown. She buried herself under the covers, feeling the cold side of the bed, the side that Loki slept on. Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath, trying to still her shaking hands.
Her eyes opened quickly as she felt larger hands entwine with hers, lacing their fingers together. Loki had slipped under the covers without her even knowing. She met his gaze.
"Why are you shaking?" He whispered.
"You're alive… you're alive and I thought you were dead. Loki, you were dead. I worry that I will wake up and you will be another dream." Her voice was uneven.
Loki wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his strong arms, body flush against his. Warm. Alive. Real. He traced the scars on her back, feeling the ridges that ran this way and that, a map he had memorized. He kissed her forehead, his lips lingering on her skin as he whispered to her. "I am alive, Sorrow, My Queen. I thought about you every day, longed to hold you, to feel your sweet embrace, your sweet kiss. I love you. I love you, Sorrow."